What kind of beans

[unionworks]

... give you the worst gas? I am doing research for those occasions when I may intentionally want to pass as much gas as possible, such as leaving an asshole boss a present when he is out of his office,. Or infiltrating right wing meetings/speeches. I have tried navy beans and am looking to broaden my flatulence vocabulary. Suggestions?

[siligut]

1. Some of it is how you cook them

Cook them in the water you soaked them in and don't add carrots. Try pinto beans this way. I applaud your creativity.

[ret5hd]

2. first, don't limit yourself to a meal of only beans...throw in some brussel sprouts.

even if you don't particularly enjoy them yourself, the results are worth it!

[siligut]

4. Oh, so right. For that deadly methane gas, you can't beat the cruciferous vegetables.

Broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, kale, cabbage, and bok choy, all members of the cabbage family, I think. And the added benefit is that they are very good for you.

[unionworks]

10. this is more fun

Thann a "home economics" class!

[siligut]

14. You started a fart thread, lol.

The new DU isn't as prudish I guess. Who doesn't laugh at a fart joke, seriously?

[unionworks]

15. George Carlin

... had a fart skit. Out of respecct I have not repeated any of it.

[siligut]

21. Al Swearengen from Deadwood. "Who cut the cheese?" I'm betting it was EB.

May be offensive to some. A short 25 sec video from the HBO series Deadwood.

[unionworks]

22. thanks

And anyone who is offended by this hasn't been in the lounge very much... this is actually quite tame.

[sarge43]

35. Cucumber for counterpoint burps. n/t

[siligut]

36. Get them comin' and goin'?

I was babysitting a little girl and she farted. She looked at me in surprise and told me her butt just burped.

[sarge43]

38. Yup.

Burps, tenors and falsetto; farts, baritones and bass and the beer belch, basso profondo. Why, they could do PDQ Bach's Iphigenia in Brooklyn

[hifiguy]

44. The greatest fart-off of all time

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="

" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Nice PDQ Bach reference. A tromboon would be an excellent accompaniment for unionworks' plan.

[alfredo]

90. Blazing Saddles

[unionworks]

39. and good for you too! n/t

[alfredo]

87. The Bloomin Onion from Outback. Brings a tear to my eyes.

I had a friend who prided his ability to tune his gas for sound or smell. He had specific diets for any occasion. One summer a competing bicycle shop was spreading lies about our shop. This friend offered his help. So one hot Saturday we sent him over to get revenge. As luck would have it, their AC was broken, so they enlisted fans to move the air. Our friend, primed with steak, cabbage, onion rings, beer, and pickled eggs, walked into their busy show room. He stood before a big floor fan and released the burning green mists of hell.

He cleared the showroom.

[unionworks]

17. liverwurst and onions

...washed down with beer! This is turning into a real party!

[pipi_k]

24. Also...

cooked cabbage

pickled eggs

and a bunch of "sugarless" hard candies with sorbitol in them.

Oh...and a big pizza with sausage, onions, and green peppers

[ret5hd]

25. my god, you have to be able to walk into work the next day. otherwise it's no fun.

[unionworks]

28. payday was on thursday

And having to use the mens room on Friday morning was taking your life in your hands. All the guys who went out drinking would be in the stalls making the paint blister off the walls.

[pipi_k]

55. You can still walk...

Just make sure you're wearing protective underpants.

Or else eat that stuff for breakfast and wait till later in the day for the results...

[HopeHoops]

3. Black beans in a can - DO NOT RINSE THEM! The canning juice helps a lot.

Then definitely eat some cabbage and hard-boiled eggs. Wear dark undies.

[unionworks]

8. dark undies

A respirator might come in handy too!

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

5. By "worst", you mean volume? Or potency?

For right wing meetings, I'd suggest refried beans, plenty of hot sauce, jalapenos, etc. They hate all things Mexican. Except for Tex-Mex.



May the farts be with you!

[unionworks]

6. chicken farts

From eating fried chicken seem to stand out in my memory as being especially "silent but deadly" for some reason. I suppose it really mattters if you are seeking decibels or potency. Different gas for different missions...

[davsand]

7. An egg and dairy meal can really help intensify your output.

I think the bean varietal is a personal thing, along with the preparation method. The results may vary a great deal. If you REALLY want to maximize your "bang for the buck" make sure to include some especially aromatic foods prior to eating the beans. Dairy and eggs can really expand your horizons. Pickles can help too...


Laura

[unionworks]

11. Cheeses

And eggs in combo perhaps? Limberger and deviled eggs? Oh, the humanity!

[davsand]

16. I used to live with a guy who KNEW his stuff on this issue.

He was a former bottom diver, and according to him the "best" combination he ever found was an evening of brown ale followed by milk and pickled eggs. He said that for silent running and maximum impact he'd never experienced anything quite like the morning after... Having lived with him for a couple of years I can vouch for his expertise and skill.

Best of luck in your quest!



Laura

[unionworks]

18. he should have

Bottled that for the military!

[hifiguy]

46. Lordy lu, that should be banned by the Geneva Convention.

Picked BROWN eggs for the final touch.

[unionworks]

61. Brown eggs?

A stroke of pure evil genius.

[Major Nikon]

23. Hard boiled eggs and beer create an interesting combination

I assume that any carbonated beverage taken in large quantities will increase volume while the eggs add body.

[FSogol]

9. Worst Original Post Ever!

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

12. Why? It's not advocating any really bad stuff ...

... like "glitter bombs" (yikes)

[unionworks]

13. flatulence

...will get you nowhere. Just hold your nose like the rest of us. Did you know that before people started clapping hands as applause, flatulence served the same purpose? True fact.

[geardaddy]

19. I agree with many other replies here add the cruciferous veggies

Plus if you can get your hands on some homebrew, be sure to drink the yeasty sediment at the bottom of the bottle. That'll give your farts a really potent stank.

[Angry Dragon]

26. After a night of drinking you need

to stop off at a White Castle
and pick up a bag of sliders
with french fries and onion chips

[geardaddy]

37. Totally!

The onion chips are what does it for me.

[Brickbat]

27. Homemade split pea soup and apple juice do it for me.

[unionworks]

29. "Bulldog Gas Problem"?

(Not being a star member has its benefits. Pop up ad appeared at the top of the page advertising pills to relieve gas in bulldogs. (The ads are always related to the thread title.) Having once owned an english staffy bull, I can tell you they aren't kidding about this. My bull would let one go that would nearly knock me out, I would yell SAM! (His name) and he would get this hurt expression on his face. (I loved my Sammie)

[Brickbat]

30. ROFLMAO!

Our first dog (He Who Will Always Be First In Our Hearts) used to fart and then look at his ass like, "WTF was that?" And then we would all die because of the smell. He was a shepherd/doberman mix, but yes, I've heard bulldogs are lethal.

[unionworks]

32. your pup

Was smart enough to try to play it off. Mine just got a guilty expression on his face... he literally could fill a large room in a single toot.

[unionworks]

43. I must click on more DU ads

I clicked on the "Bulldog Gas" ad out of curiosity and it wasn't at all what I expected. (A scam.) It was a quite interesting arrticle that explained how dry dog food causes gas in dogs and generally isn't the healthiest thing for them, and had links to recipes for making your own healthy dog food! The ad was selling supplements to make sure your dog would be getting all he needs nutritionally in your homemade food. Fascinating!

[pipi_k]

56. Boxers are pretty nasty too...

Or maybe it was the food we gave him.

When I was a kid we had a boxer named Buster.

We fed him "Strongheart" canned dog food. Smelled like it contained a lot of garlic. Anyway, when Buster got going, he could leave clouds thick enough to bounce a ball on...

[unionworks]

72. from what I've been reading

most commercial dog food isn't anywhere near a dogs natural diet, hence the gas... boxers are beautiful dogs!

[unionworks]

31. You and Angry Dragon

Are making me hungry!

[Chan790]

33. Lentils.

Lentil soup produces the worst gas imaginable. Worse than other legumes, worse than peas, worse than beans.

[unionworks]

34. the legumes with the fumes!

And I'm suprised no one has mentioned a classic - "the egg salad sandwich".

[MiddleFingerMom]

40. The BESTEST dive bars have ample supplies of pickled eggs & cheap beer.

.
.
.
.
.
My Tucson dive of choice?
.
.
.
The "Eggybeer Inn/Vengeance Out Saloon/Bistro". INdoor plumbing next year.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

[unionworks]

41. those pickled eggs...

....look soooo good!

[siligut]

42. I saw a program on how to make them.

They use beet juice to get them that pretty red color.

[unionworks]

47. Tell you who REALLY knows

How to make them. In my town there is a relatively large Russian Orthodox Catholic community. (Erie Pa.) I once was invited to a Russian Orthodox wedding by my then girlfriend. Bearded Priests, killer vodka, dancing with the most beautiful blonde women I've ever seen, and the best damned pickled food on Gods green earth. An evening I will never forget.

[pipi_k]

57. Some of them even offered

pickled pigs' feet and lambs' tongues.

My second husband ate that crap. Got quite insulted when I refused to even try a taste of his favorite delicacies...

[geardaddy]

94. Don't forget pickled chicken gizzards.

[RebelOne]

45. Lentils, and I love them, but can only eat them once in a while,

otherwise I would be explodng.

[unionworks]

49. I also love

The legumes with the fumes. Actuallly, lentil soup is sometimes recommended by doctors for people who are anemic due to its high iron content. Good healthy food!

[hobbit709]

48. Cabbage is much better for that.

Especially if you add a lot of garlic.

[unionworks]

50. Amazing that the healthiest foods

....are the ones that make us toot!

[LiberalEsto]

51. To inspire you: The Great Crepitation Contest of 1946

randsesotericotr.podbean.com/2008/05/14/the-great-crepitation-contest-of-1946/

My father and brother had a copy of the record back in the 1960s.
They loved to play it whenever I was getting picked up by a guy for a date.

[unionworks]

52. May you always

...be upwind! Thanks!

[LiberalEsto]

62. As a special treat, Estonian sauerkraut soup for you!

This is powerful stuff!



Estonian sauerkraut soup - from http://easterneuropeancuisine.com/sauerkraut-and-pork-soup/

2 pounds of pork
1 and 3/4 pounds sauerkraut
3 quarts water
1 small onion, quartered
1 tart apple
2 carrots, grated
3 peppercorns
1 bayleaf
1 tsp salt or to taste

Wash meat, place in cold water and bring to slow boil. Skim the scum as it forms. Add the quartered onion and the spices, simmer gently for 1 hour. Then add the sauerkraut and the whole apple. Simmer another 30 minutes. Add the grated carrots and simmer til soft. Remove apple and the meat. Shred meat and return to pot. Serve hot.

Estonians sometimes add beer in place of some of the water. They often toss in some uncooked barley as well.

[unionworks]

63. truly mouthwatering

I could nearly smell it as I read it!

[GoCubsGo]

53. None of them.

I have eaten so many of them in my days, my gut flora are used to them. Bell peppers, on the other hand... They are the gift that keeps on giving.

[unionworks]

54. Peppers

Are in a catagory of their own. I love my mexican food liberally doused with blazing habenero sauces. The bell peppers, red and green peppers add a special signature to flatulence. The human olofactory is an amazing wonder of biology. Consider that we do not, for the most part, find our own flatulence offensive, whereas it would turn another nearby blue and running for the door. And we can identify the trace odors of what we have eaten, such as peppers. Indeed, how many will admit to having let one go after a wonderful meal, and savoured the aroma, a warm comforting apertif of sorts?

[pipi_k]

58. I have to thank

George Carlin for making it OK to enjoy my own emissions...

[unionworks]

60. I have nominated

Father Carlin for sainthood. Unfortunately the Pope didn't seem interested...

[GoCubsGo]

78. It's only the bell peppers that do it.

I have no issues with chiles. And, yep. I can smell the bell peppers. I notice it with chicken, too.

[unionworks]

79. It's an unsolved mystery

Of biiology! I have yet to see an explanation for it.

[deucemagnet]

59. No science nerd answer yet? Allow me.

We get gas when we consume foods containing high amounts of sugars and starches with alpha galactosyl linkages. We do not have the necessary enzymes to fully digest these sugars. The bacteria residing in our guts, however, do, and produce gas in the process.

So we need to find the foods that contain the highest content of these indigestible sugars. The most common is the trisaccharide raffinose, (with stachyose also contributing to the gassy mix). I found an article from a science journal here that lists the content of these sugars in mg/g. I think you should probably stick to the foods with the highest raffinose content to get the most bang for the buck, so to speak. So, according to the article, alfalfa (13.5 mg/g), and soybeans(12.6 mg/g) are your best bet. The common garden pea also makes an impressive showing at 11.6 mg of raffinose per gram.

But, if you really want to take your passive-aggressive flatulence to the next level, the way to do that is with cottonseed flour, which contains a whopping 69.1 mg of raffinose per gram. According to a quick google search, cottonseed meal is used primarily for livestock feed and fertilizer, so it's probably not a good idea to eat the stuff, aside from the fact that you might 'splode.

Also, I promise from this day forward that I will never use science for evil again.

[unionworks]

64. Do you now

...or have you ever worked for the Army chemical warfare lab?

[deucemagnet]

66. No, but I am looking for a new job right now.

Perhaps I should write a research proposal on weaponizing flatulence? I don't know if the army would be interested. Anyway, if I were to pursue a career in evil, I think I'd rather go the route of the secret island fortress with gun-toting bikini-clad femme fatales. Do you know any who are hiring?

(BTW, thank you to whomever gave me a heart! )

[unionworks]

67. Jeez

I just watched a show on CNN this a.m. talking about how difficult it is for returning vets to find jobs... I am working for the temps right now myself. I wish to the best of luck... hold on, better times are coming!

[deucemagnet]

70. Oh, I have nothing to complain about.

I have two part-time teaching jobs at local colleges. I'm not getting rich, but I'm making ends meet and doing what I love. I've noticed a lot more full-time job openings in the past year, and I've got a lot of applications out there, so I'm confident I'll be back in a permanent job soon. Thank you for the words of encouragement, and best of luck with your job prospects as well!

[unionworks]

73. I have a friend

... who may be able to help you find that "life of danger". Google "The Covert Comic".

[pintobean]

65. Well, I've been told...

[unionworks]

68. I'm not even

...going to go there! But thanks for stopping in!!! Shows you do have a sense of humor, a valuable asset in these times indeed!

[unionworks]

69. Interesting fun facts

"


THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS
(BUT WERE TO EMBARRASSED TO ASK)

1. The formal word for farts is "flatulate." While the word fart
can serve as a noun or a verb, flatulate is a verb only.

2. Farts are a concoction of air, methane gas and other gases.
Because methane is odorless, it is these other gases that
provide aroma.

3. The unpleasant odor associated with flatulence comes from foods
containing chemicals such as sulfur. Some of the more notorious
suspects would include eggs, beans, cabbage, cheese and beer.

4. Men average approximately 13.63 expulsions of gas per day.
Women (supposedly) average 3.28.

5. The legendary "Blue Flame": 12% of men admit to having ignited
their own farts.

6. "Passing" the buck: 52% of men and women admit to having blamed
others for their own flatulence, suggesting that what may be one
of humankind's oldest lies is also one of its most widespread.

7. When posed the question, "How long do you have to be 'going out'
with someone before you'll fart in their presence?" the average
of responses came out to 92.77 days -- 62.98 for men and 149.82
for women.

8. Etiquette tip: If you clench your sphincter while passing gas,
tremendous noise will be generated. Relaxing this muscle will
result in a smooth, silent release.

9. Common terms for flatulation: poot, blow, cut the cheese,
rip/cut one, float an air biscuit, blast, break wind
and lift a leg.

10. Some not-so-common terms for flatulation: crepitate, eructate,
kwatz, carpet creeper, spider bark.

11. The fatbutted person can always be relied on to produce truly
earth-shattering, window pane shattering decibal readings...
Skinny butts tend be only sad, starved, little 'poots'.
A well-toned, athletic butt however can release super-sonic,
dog-startling eruptions.

"

[unionworks]

71. Wild Kingdom

Our animal friends have their own uses for flatulence. Notice the Hippos flailing tail. This flings the byproduct onto the trunks of trees/foilage to mark his territory. I have noticed similar habits in some humans.

&feature=fvwrel

[alfredo]

89. Airline Stewards farting as they walk down the aisle is called "Crop Dusting."

[geardaddy]

95. LOL

[pintobean]

74. I've been stopping in

for over eight years. I never knew my having a sense of humor was in question.

[unionworks]

76. I'm relatively new

I wasn't questioning your sense of humor, just observing that you have one and saying thanks for visiting my thread!

[flying rabbit]

75. Is this a great thread or what? nt

[unionworks]

77. it's a gas

[felix_numinous]

80. Nothing like hotdog farts

i have a clear memory of being trapped in a tent on a camping trip one 'morning after' ... believe me, it was deadly. I think it was chilidogs and beer that did it.

So the hotdog stand might be a 'spur of the moment' option...with extra chili and onions if they have it. Good luck in your fartquest, we're all behind you.

[unionworks]

82. there was a scene

In the Brandon Lee movie "The Crow" a cop buys a hot dog for the young girl. She remarked "no onions! They make you fart big time"!

[madinmaryland]

81. Schlitz beer is the perfect thing to use.

A six pack the night before does the trick.

[unionworks]

84. long ago

A friend of mine who spent some time in the Navy used to sing the old Schlitz "!

[av8rdave]

83. Red beans

I love red beans and rice, but have learned to plan ahead for where I'll be/who I'll be around after consuming them. I have a personal policy of NEVER eating them when I'm going to be flying. The cockpit is fairly small, and since 9/11 the copilot can't just get up and take a break when it becomes unbearable.

[unionworks]

85. this is wierd

I was just watching one of the Blue Angels test flying a Russian fighter on "Pawn Stars". If I had been in that cockpit it wouldn't have been gas he'd be smelling. Something a lot more solid. I love aircraft. Thanks for posting and safe blue skys to you!

[eppur_se_muova]

86. Heh ... Google "ham and motherfuckers" ... nt

[unionworks]

91. a generally despised

C-ration posing as ham and lima beans! thanks for your service!

[eppur_se_muova]

93. Not a vet myself -- heard about this from DU vets. :^) nt

[unionworks]

96. My brother

Was in Vietnam, 1967 Army. He gave me a bunch ofc-rations. I got. A lot of sliced beef, peaches, gum, little short packs of cigarettes. Most of the food was good, the peanut butter was so concentrated it was like glue. The ham and motherfuckers was so hated it was considered bad luck to say its real name. Aloud on combat patrol!

[yellowcanine]

88. Beans are like children. They should be seen and not heard.

[HopeHoops]

92. "Beans, beans, they're good for your heart. The more you eat the more you fart..."