Give us your best Limerick ! nt

[rogerballard]

[lapucelle]

1. "There once was a girl from Nantucket"...

I forget the rest.

[vlyons]

3. Not ready for prime time

Nantuckett limericks are quite bawdy. I like to write my own limericks.

[rogerashton]

12. There was an old man in Nantucket

who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter, named Nan
ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket, Nan tuckit.

Paw followed the pair to Pawtucket,
Nan, and her man, and the bucket.
He said to the man,
"Now, you can keep Nan,"
But as for the bucket, Paw tuckit.

[vlyons]

2. There once was a man named Trump

There once was a man named Trump
Who thought he could speak from the stump
But when he opened his mouth
His mind, it went south.
Thus proving that he was a chump.

[sl8]

4. Said an ovum one night to a sperm ...

Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You're a very attractive young germ.
Come join me, my sweet,
Let our nuclei meet
And in nine months we'll both come to term."

           -      Isaac Asimov

[Dale Neiburg]

5. I've always been proud of one I came up with back in grad school.

The question arose (this was in a history seminar, so I don't remember how) whether a poem could be written about something very unpoetic. The specific example was the physics equation force=mass times acceleration. So I devised one while driving home, and as soon as I arrived sent it off to the rest of the class:

Luke Skywalker climbed from his ship
And muttered aloud, "What a gyp!
This rebellion's so bad
I'll sign up with my dad.
The dark side seems increasingly hip."

Said a friend to Darth Vader, "Of course
Your son Luke might be quite a resource.
So as not to be late
You must accelerate
And that (times your mass) is The Force."

[LuckyCharms]

6. There once was a man from Nantucket

Or maybe he was from Indianapolis
Or Dallas
I can't remember, so fuck it

[sarge43]

7. There was a bishop from Havery

Who had a vice most unsavory.

With maniacal howls

He'd roger young owls

In a secret underground aviary.

[sl8]

9. That's just sick! Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick!

Other than that, not too shabby.

[sarge43]

10. Yes sick, but it scans well as all limericks should n/t

[CentralMass]

8. There once was a girl from Hoboken....

[Dave Starsky]

11. There once was a Twittering twit...

Who chose the wee hours for his wit.
When asked why'd he do it,
He said, "Nothing to it.
It's boring just taking a shit."

[Laffy Kat]

20. Win! nt

[red dog 1]

21. Good one!

[rogerashton]

13. A silly old man was a bit

confused where his message might fit.
He said, "Is it better
to e-mail a letter
or to twitter a tweet to a twit?"

[MLAA]

32. Well done!

[A HERETIC I AM]

14. There was a young man from Van Nuyses.....

Who had balls of two different sizes.

One was quite small,
Hardly a ball at all,
The other was big and won prizes.

[edbermac]

15. I only know the one from the movie Jaws.

Spoken by Robert Shaw as Quint.

Here lies the body Mary Lee
Died at the age of a hundred and three
For fifteen years she kept her virginity
Not a bad record for this vicinity

[rogerashton]

17. Not a limerick!

It's a quatrain.

[Callmecrazy]

16. There once was a man named McQueen...

Who invented a wanking machine.
Concave and convex,
To fit either sex,
And remarkably easy to clean!

[Iggo]

18. A tooter who tooted a flute...

Tried to tutor two tutors to toot.

Said the two to the tooter

"Is it harder to toot or

To tutor two tutors to toot?"

(Might not be a true limerick, but it's got the same beat.)

[CentralMass]

19. The classic Farter from Sparta

The Farter From Sparta

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
Hi basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform,
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit.
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

[red dog 1]

22. There once was a pervert from Queens

There once was a pervert from Queens
Who liked to bang girls in their teens
He'd offer them money
Then say to them "Honey,
I want you to take off your jeans!"

[red dog 1]

23. The Donald is clearly insane

Last edited Sat Nov 4, 2017, 05:24 PM - Edit history (1)

The Donald is clearly insane
His ravings bizarre and inane
The wildest "fake news"
Is the "news" that he spews
As our healthcare glug-glugs down the drain


Michael R. Birch

[red dog 1]

24. Another Trump limerick

from poet Michael R. Birch


North Korea has matter that's fissile
It looks like they're making a missile
Not to be crude
We are all screwed
Unless we can get your dismissal

[red dog 1]

25. There once was a lady named Ferris

There once was a lady named Ferris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the bath salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris

[red dog 1]

27. Another Drumpf limerick

There once was a grumpy old fart
Who turned lying into an art
He couldn't be trusted
But never got busted
His lawyers were always too smart

[Chasstev365]

28. There once was a man named Enos...

[red dog 1]

29. There once was a man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket - Nantucket

[rogerballard]

38. Love this one...

You had some good ones !

[red dog 1]

41. I got this one from a friend

Thanks for the thread!

[red dog 1]

30. There once was a double-chinned phony

There once was a double-chinned phony
Who fed all the people baloney
But he won the election
Using lies and deception
With some help from Putin and Comey

[CentralMass]

35. Well done.

[PJMcK]

31. The lass I brought home was a prize.

With an alluring set of blue eyes.
Her breasts were well kept,
Just like you’d expect.
But her penis was quite a surprise!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

33. There once was a lawyer named Rex

who was sadly deficient in sex.
When arraigned for exposure
He said, with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

[Glorfindel]

34. There was a young fellow named Herkin...

There was a young fellow named Herkin,
Who was always jerkin his gherkin.
His mother said, "Herkin! Stop jerkin your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for firkin, Herkin."

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She left earth one day
(In a relative way)
And returned the preceding night.

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased at that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.

I love Limericks!

[rogerballard]

37. Me too !

[rogerballard]

36. Bravo !

Great limericks!!!

[Wolf Frankula]

39. The very FIRST Limerick

And let me the canakin clink,
And let me the canakin clink:
A soldier’s a man;
A life’s but a span;
Why then let a soldier drink.

Master Will I Am Shak't Spur Othello.

Wolf

[Aristus]

40. There once was a girl from Niger

Who smiled as she rode on a tiger
She went out for a ride
And came back inside
With the smile on the face of the tiger.


(And I saw this one above, and was annoyed they got there first. But here's the version I learned: )

A girl from the Isle of Wight
Used to travel much faster than light
She set off one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night

[bluecollar2]

42. pity the lad from Madrass

Whose balls were made of brass.

In stormy weather they'd clank together

And sparks would fly from his ass.

[UTUSN]

43. If:

If I were a louse in your shag
my soul would ease and expand

Gently would I nibble and nip
Sweetly would I tipple and sip

My *soul* would ease and expand
If I were a louse in your shag!1

[rogerashton]

44. Not a limerick, and here is why:

My muse is sporadic – and enigmatic!
She’s unpredictable and quite erratic.
Years will go by without a sign of her --
Not a tittle, a jot nor so much as a line of her –
And then she’ll turn up, all full of “Tah-Dahs”
And hand me a couplet that would give Petrarch pause.

Who knows when I’ll be seeing that dame?
But there is one thing that’s always the same.
She may do Omar, a rondel, or swing,
But she doesn’t do limericks. Just not her thing.

--- well, she lies, too.

[DFW]

45. Well, you canught me in a nasty mood, so...........

An aspiring young letcher named Donald
Was proud of the ladies he’d fondled
But then he aimed high
And that is now why
He gets himself porked by McConnell


and though this is not a Limerick, I offer this one provided to me by none other than Spider-Man creator Stan Lee:

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To do some things they shouldn't
But when they got
To the perfect spot
They forgot the Viagra, and couldn't

[Orrex]

46. An oldie but a goodie

Sez Rumsfeld, "We've lost three civilians.
"Not soldiers, alas, but civilians."
Sez the Prez, head in hands,
"I just don't understand.
"How many are in a Brazillion?"