Federal Judge Wrote World's Best Product Complaint After Portable Toilet Collapsed

[sl8]

https://abovethelaw.com/2024/04/federal-judge-wrote-worlds-best-product-complaint-after-portable-toilet-collapsed/

Federal Judge Wrote World's Best Product Complaint After Portable Toilet Collapsed

Seems like a fair complaint.

By JOE PATRICE
on April 4, 2024 at 11:17 AM

Judge Hugh Lawson of the Middle District of Georgia died last week at 82.

In his self-authored obituary, Judge Lawson explained that “He despised obituaries written by funeral home hacks (he said that anyone who wrote that his memory would be ‘forever treasured’ should be shot) and wrote his own.” It’s a final tour de force from a judge known for his wit.

But Greg Bluestein of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution posted perhaps Judge Lawson’s finest piece of writing, a letter — drafted while he served as a Georgia state judge before his nomination to the federal bench by Bill Clinton — to the Wiles Manufacturing company to complain about one of its “Kamperjons” which the judge had purchased.

At approximately 6:10 a.m. on Friday, December 4, 1987, my friend, Fred V. Joiner, Zr., was perched atop a Kamperjon in the Altamaha River swamp. After making a substantial deposit he sat there for a moment, admiring the beauty of the new day and contemplating the intense satisfaction of a:successful bowel movement. The squeal of several low flying ducks brought him back to reality and the business at hand and he reached down for the Charmin. At that moment the Kamperjon, suddenly and without warning, completely gave way and deposited Mr. Joiner squarely and accurately into the center of about four pounds of shit.

[...]

[Aristus]

1. I've already told my family that if anyone puts in my obituary that 'Aristus has GONE FISHIN'!',

I will come back and haunt them so hard, it will make "Poltergeist" look like a Casper cartoon.