Republicans legalize nationwide concealed carry of machine guns
Washington (Spurious News Network) -- "We finally decided to make the Second Amendment mean what it says," said Wayne La Pierre, de facto head of the Republican Party.
"The Second Amendment says, 'A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.' There is no question that a well-regulated militia, if it is to be necessary to the security of a free state, would be armed not with muskets and swords but with machine guns, tanks, field artillery, antiaircraft guns, nerve gas, and missiles. We had no choice but to legalize them all."
Under the Republicans' new law, which takes effect immediately, "no weapon which is allowed under the Geneva Convention to be used by any military force shall be forbidden to any citizen, nor shall any person be allowed to restrict a citizen from carrying weapons to any place in America."
When asked the most obvious question, La Pierre replied in the affirmative: "Just because a man shot nine or ten people to death while committing a botched armed robbery, doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to defend himself using the most effective means."
La Pierre also affirmed the second most obvious question: "You never know. You might be standing in line at the bank and some bad guy with a gun just whips it out and starts shooting up the place. If you are forced to wait for the police to arrive everyone in the bank would be dead. You have the absolute right to pull out your M60 machine gun and apply a Second Amendment solution, and this new law guarantees you'll never be punished for following the Constitution."
An M60 machine gun is roughly the size of a four-year-old boy and can cause nearly as much damage.
When informed that President Obama vetoed the bill on the hood of a car out in the driveway so it couldn't contaminate the White House by being brought inside, La Pierre shrugged it off. "He only has three-fifths of a veto so it doesn't count."
NRA spokesman Ted Nugent was ecstatic. "As all good Americans know, the Constitution only has two parts. One of them allows me to sue anyone who claims I dodged the draft by covering myself in rancid shit, even though I did. The other lets me walk around in the woods hunting ground squirrels with a loaded 81mm mortar if I want to. Right after the law was passed, I tried it...I think there's something wrong with my mortar because I put a round in it and it flew right back out again. It totally blew the shit out of the building where I keep all my guitars and bowhunting gear. And then I tried it nine more times...all those accidental discharges blew up my house, all my cars, the museum I built to display my Grammy award if I ever win one...I'm taking this defective piece of shit right back to the store."
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