Elderly parents

[Aerows]

I have two elderly parents that seem to believe that nothing has changed. My mother was in the back of a pickup truck at the bequest of my father (who is 86 and can't get up there) after she, at 82 fell 3 months ago. I tried to help, and nearly got my finger broken, and the response was "Don't you love me?" and "We'll go back tomorrow".

My blood pressure is at 180/103. I weigh 110. I'm going to stroke out.

[RKP5637]

1. Aerows, your BP is waaayyyy too high. That's a lot of stress on your

cardiovascular system. You've got to take care of yourself too! I had BP that high a few times, but it's under control now. You can end up with an aneurysm or something like that! Be careful!

[Aerows]

5. I cut out caffeine several years ago

but the drama that the two of them cause is unreal.

[Cleita]

2. Sorry you are going through this. I'm elderly myself (75) and hope when

the time comes I don't put my family through this. It seems though that you need to find some help. They are showing a lack of judgement and hopefully you have family and friends enough to help you do some intervention. I would get rid of the truck. I had to do it to my husband when the time came that he didn't need it anymore and shouldn't have been driving it.

[Le Taz Hot]

3. It can be challenging.

I'm getting closer to the point where decisions are going to have to be made with my 93-yr-old great aunt. It's hard when their confusion just starts to get the best of them. Each contact is an avalanche of problems that they are counting on you to solve for them. As I said, it can be challenging.

[Aerows]

15. Every situation is one

where I need to physically deal with lifting, hauling, etc. while getting yelled at or needing to provide emotional support while doing the lifting, etc.

I'm not exactly a heavy-weight - I do the best I can, and can lift enormous amounts of weight for my size, but in the end, I'm just not *that* healthy.

Someone is going to get seriously injured if they keep on how they are, and while I would rather it be me rather than them, I'd rather it be NONE of us because of foolhardy decisions.

[eShirl]

4. that kind of blood pressure calls for medical intervention. n/t

[Aerows]

14. I know, and I can't keep going on like this

I WILL have a stroke if I keep getting drawn into these "projects" before the break of dawn and the second I get home from work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[countryjake]

6. Arrows, I was just reminded of the sturdy stock I come from, moments ago.

I had to get my SO to help me wheelbarrow a heavy bucket out a ways to the back forty and as we were doing that I told him about the struggle I'd had last year with my old mother. At 95, right before she died, we could not get her to stop hauling buckets of water around her acres to "water her posies and trees".

If she'd have been here this afternoon, she wouldn't have even needed a wheelbarrow.

[Aerows]

7. Both of them need to stop though

and quit including me at the last minute in their dangerous ventures.

[countryjake]

10. (After reading your last post), mine would raise her fists at me...

with a nasty glint in her eye, and proudly declare that she's still got her arms as she'd snatch the bucket back from me. There was no polite way to deal with such an aggressive nature, so, short of hiding every tote-able vessel on the property (or lying to say we'd already watered that morning), we pretty much just had to let her continue her routine.

[Aerows]

11. It's rather like that

They think they are still as capable as they were 20 years ago, and I'm a lazy asshole for not being able to do manual labor before the break of dawn, not ready to do manual labor when I come home from work, and waving a cane in my face saying "get up on a ladder and get rid of that" isn't a mandate from heaven.

[demigoddess]

42. my aunt painted the outside of her house

all alone, no help, at age 94 or so. She died at 97. Sometimes you just have to let older folks do what they will. As for the drama, I would be there would be drama, if they were only sitting in a retirement home all comfortable and safe. Learn to disconnect from the drama.

[countryjake]

58. My mother would've been hauled off to jail if we'd have put her in a home...

so that was never an option that us kids could ever have considered. Plus, taking her away from everything she was familiar with would have killed her in short order. I'm just glad that I was able to drop everything in my own life and go help her get along at the end. Not many people these days can do such a thing. It was very hard but it was also worth it. She died in her own bed with a smile on her face.

[Aerows]

8. I was screamed at for being a piece of shit

because I damn near broke my finger when they called me, I came and attempted to help, and dad dropped the tailgate on my hand and then I cursed loudly.

"You shouldn't talk like that to your father." I'm sorry, when my hand gets squashed and my finger nearly broken, what kind of pleasantries do you think I can come up with?

I don't know how much more of this I can endure.

[Aerows]

9. I cannot hold a job

and do backbreaking manual labor after I get off of work.

I can't.

My finger got squashed because I was tired.

[Habibi]

12. Nor should you even try.

This scenario is all too common these days. Please, please get some outside help, whether they "accept" it or not. Tell them it's happening, and they *will* accept it or you are gone.

[Aerows]

13. Thanks for the support

I will try to get some outside help, because frankly, I am not able to move huge amounts of things that weigh a lot. I'll kill myself trying and today nearly breaking my finger was a wake up call.

[LeftyMom]

16. Is there a young person in your area they can hire for odd jobs like this?

It sounds like it would be safer and smoother for everybody if you weren't the person doing this stuff. It stresses you out, you don't have the time and honestly it sounds like you're a bit of a klutz.

Ask around and find somebody else to do this stuff. They'll probably be happier once they get used to the idea- I'm sure they don't like feeling dependent on you.

[Aerows]

17. "It sounds like you're a bit of a klutz"

That has to be the shittiest comment I've ever had made to me.

Go "LeftyMom".

[LeftyMom]

18. Really?

[Aerows]

19. Really.

What propelled you to make such an offensive comment?

[lonestarnot]

20. Rugh ro.

[Aerows]

21. No need to be frightened

I just stated the way I felt about "LeftyMom"'s comments. No need to "Ruh Ro".

[lonestarnot]

22. Just observing the conversation which appears to have gone south. I can do that. No rule against

it.

[Aerows]

24. It did indeed go south

I'm in the south already, though , so I'm going to exercise some Southern wisdom and dodge before sending it plummeting into the Gulf of Mexico to drown.

[Jenoch]

23. I know of an elderly farm couple (late 70s to early 80s)

and the husband had his wife get into the bucket of their front end loader on the tractor to lift her high enough to pick the apples from the top of the apple tree.

At some point he mishandles the hydraulics and dumps her to the ground from at least 12 feet. The short story is that she spent a month in the hospital, a few months in rehab, and is back at home, but I don't know her current health. What were they thinking?

[Aerows]

25. Who knows?

I'm at a loss at this point.

[840high]

26. Please take care of yourself. I'm 76 and have

tried very hard not to be a burden on my daughter. One day I was hanging a shower curtain - slipped and fell face first into a full cat litter box. Now I hire handymen to help with things around the house.

[Aerows]

28. I do all of that for my parents

I replaced a toilet seat about 4 days ago. There is just so much I can do, though, and they are starting to get ambitious with toting mulch and a bunch of heavy crap, I'm starting to realize that I am not able to do it. Frankly, I DON'T WANT to do it on my day off. I'll help, but hell, I don't want to do spring shed cleaning when I have my own laundry and things to do, and it is unreasonable to expect it.

[840high]

29. I don't blame you. Hugs.

[Aerows]

37. Thank you.

Last edited Sat Oct 4, 2014, 09:02 PM - Edit history (1)

[Aerows]

60. This is what pisses me off more than anything

My father waves his fucking cane, and stands there giving directions on what he wants to have done. "You can get all of that". Like I wanted to be doing all of this shit in the first place, and he's waving his cane like the "LORD OF THE MANOR".

He pisses me off so badly that being around him is a feat of self-restraint that you could not imagine.

[Warpy]

27. Mine are gone now

but I can remember my 87 year old dad getting up on top of his roof with a plumbing snake because he was too cheap to call a plumber. He bloody nearly went down the ladder arse first.

Our parents are going to do what they're going to do. The worst thing we can do to them is take their independence away from them.

My dad lived another 3 years. I had managed to keep my trap shut but I confided to a neighbor that the ladder thing terrified me. She offered to help me steal it and cart it down the street and throw it into the canal.

I didn't bother, he'd only have bought another one.

I didn't take her up on it because I've learned the hard way that older folks seem to take chances because they want to live their lives instead of being heavily supervised in nursing homes and if they fall head first off an extension ladder, oh well, at that age something's going to kill them and it might as well be quick.

[840high]

30. Sounds like my Dad. Lived to

93 - eventually Alzheimer's got him.

[Aerows]

32. I just don't want to be taken

along with them because I'm lifting something too heavy for a 110 lbs. woman to lift and it falls on one of us. Or if I have a damn stroke.

[Iris]

40. Aerow's parents are not independent.

It sounds like they are heavily dependent on Aerow

[Warpy]

47. My dad shouldn't have been living independently

but I knew nothing would kill him faster than getting him into an assisted living apartment, let alone a nursing home.

Every time the phone rang, my heart was in my mouth.

As it was, his final illness was six weeks in duration. I wouldn't have robbed him of his sense of independence until that time for the world.

[Iris]

66. It's a tough situation.

There are no easy answers, that's for sure.

[Habibi]

65. Exactly!

Yet they probably think they are independent because they're not yet in assisted living or skilled nursing. Sometimes such parents completely ignore the burden they put on their kids.

[stage left]

31. Aerows, this may sound harsh.

but wrecking your own health is not something you owe your parents. Helping them when you're really not physically able to do so is also helping them avoid the rational realization that they are no longer capable of doing these chores and that they need a life style adjustment. There comes a time when one has to make decisions for their parents when their parents are busy all day making bad decisions for themselves. And for you. I hope you will get treatment for your blood pressure. That is much too high.

[Aerows]

34. I assumed I was pretty healthy

but I've been so stressed with my parents in the last few weeks, that in retrospect, I'm not surprised. I've lost weight that I can't spare, and I have just plain overdone it.

And they want more.

I'm not some burly guy, for heaven's sake, I'm a woman that right now weighs 110 in a stiff breeze. I can't do this hauling things in and out of the house, the shed, the office, the etc., on a whim at dawn nor when I come home from work, either. I need some damn rest.

They already have some more plans for things to do, though, tomorrow, and I guess they assumed I would be there at 6am on Saturday. NO. Not just no, HELL NO.

[Warpy]

48. Good for you. "No" is a complete sentence

The best bet is to check around and find people like home health aides to set up their pills and do some cleaning. If you can take them shopping once a week, "Meals on Wheels" isn't necessary, they can live pretty well out of the frozen foods section if cooking is now beyond them. I know my dad appreciated my introducing him to Marie Callender.

It's going to be tough, but your parents are going to have to be educated in the difference between what they want and what they need. If you focus on the needs like food shopping and doctor appointments, it will be doable. If they want you to drive them around for entertainment and be their on call 24/7 personal assistant, they'll outlive you.

[Aerows]

53. I already have grocery store

and doctor's appointments covered. I do them, and it's okay. What I *can't* do is physical labor. I change the lightbulbs with the ladder, the air conditioner, winding the clock, and do most things they need that require someone that won't fall while doing them. I also do plumbing, replacing toilet seats, and using a wet dry vac for different occasions.

What I have come to understand is that I am, at this point, incapable of hauling things that nearly outweigh me, dad waving his cane and wanting me to "clean this up off of the top of the fridge" when I am worn out.

If I hear "I'm going to let you ...." You aren't letting me.

[SheilaT]

33. At the risk of sounding unsympathetic,

have you tried telling them No, you won't do this stuff?

It sounds like they are treating you in a rather abusive way. You are an adult, and you can tell them you won't do the labor any more. And if they get hurt because they insist on doing it themselves it will not be your fault. Do not allow them to guilt you into harming yourself.

Around the time I turned 40 (and I'm now 66) I decided I wouldn't do any more heavy lifting. So every time we moved, which was at least five more times, we hired someone to do the actual heavy lifting. I honestly have little patience for people who insist on doing physical things that they really shouldn't be doing. And you are in that situation right now. You should not be doing this stuff. Tell them no. And as I've already said, if they do it themselves, that's their choice. You can, as someone else has suggested, try to hire someone to help them out. But if they refuse that, again, you're not responsible for their choices.

Here's a hug because you need it. I don't want you to think I'm just blowing off this real problem of yours. I want you to see that there is a solution, however unpleasant it may be. If you wind up with a broken bone, or have a stroke because of the high blood pressure, or any other potential disaster, you won't be able to help them at all.

Please take care, and I hope you can give us a better report soon.

[Aerows]

35. I already pointed out to them

that all of these endeavors exponentially increase the risk of one of us getting hurt. It fell on deaf ears.

I've tried, I'm the horrible daughter, and they can cry to my beautiful, darling sister who lives 1500 miles away about how much of a lazy slug I am.

I nearly broke my finger, and trying to keep up with their demands and my own life is too exhausting.

It feels like crap, but I can't do it anymore. I love them dearly, but they ask too much.

[SheilaT]

36. Good. You've told them someone will get hurt,

now just make sure that someone isn't you.

And if your sister who lives 1500 miles away wants to come and help them, that's fine and she should do it. The fact that she actually lives so far away strikes me as significant.

Please stop letting them manipulate you. Several others have already said the same thing. Best of luck to you.

[Aerows]

38. I don't mind doing normal handyman things

I replace the light bulbs, I replace the A/C filter, I changed a toilet seat, heck, I took the pipe out from under the sink and played plumber when mom dumped pasta down the sink and got it stopped up.

If it involves a ladder, I don't mind.

I just can't handle carrying a bunch of heavy crap. What part of "I weigh 110 lbs" do they not understand?

I'm venting at this point, but it is helping me to get my thoughts together when I inform them tomorrow that I will not be involved in the "Let's clean out the old shed full of heavy shit" project.

[SheilaT]

39. Good. I'm glad

you're going to tell them you won't be involved with the clean out the shed and lift heavy stuff.

Sometimes venting is very helpful.

[Aerows]

54. Thanks for getting it

Are you familiar with what roof tile sacks weigh?

I'm highly familiar.

[SheilaT]

57. No, but the sound heavy.

Among the reasons I'm so protective of my back is that I stupidly managed to injure it when I was 25 years old. I was a ticket agent at National Airport in Washington, DC. A man was checking in his tool box and I moved it over to our scales to weigh it because we had a 70 pound limit on what we'd take without charging excess weight. He tried to move it for me, but of course I did it myself. I could actually feel the ligaments in my lower back ripping, although that did not hurt at all.

Over the next week I felt the injury, more and more. At the end of a week I couldn't stand except in great pain, and I went to my supervisor to report this as an On the Job Injury. Even though I'd delayed the report, because I was a good and reliable employee, they didn't question me about what had happened, but sent me off to be evaluated. Yep. I'd hurt my back. I was given a prescription for muscle relaxants and sent home for bed rest. After a week I was able to return to work, although for the next year my back would occasionally hurt a lot. Then that went away for about twenty-five years. As I've gotten older and put on some weight, I can tell the injury is there.

The toolbox, by the way, weighed seventy-two pounds.

[roody]

41. Not saying 'no' brought my mom an

early death due to stress and resentment. I just had a consultation with someone at Iowa Council on Aging. It was very helpful and enlightening about how to interact with our elderly parents with cognitive impairment. Look for some help. Using logic with them is futile.

[MoonRiver]

43. Aerows, so sorry you are gong through this. Been there done that.

Only advice I can offer is that tough love applies to elderly, impaired, parents as well as children. I had to have both my parents declared incompetent to save their lives (one had Alzheimers, the other a severe physical disability). They were both mad at the time but quickly got over it when they were in a safe environment.

Also, as everyone else has said you MUST take care of yourself. That bp is dangerous.

[mainer]

44. My hypertension first started when I was dealing with my elderly mom.

Up till then, I had BP readings averaging 110/70. Then I flew out to help her pack up her house and move closer to me, and while I was waiting for her prescription at a pharmacy, I happened to take my BP. For the first time in my life I was hypertensive! After three years of caring for her, my hypertension became permanent. Coincidence? It makes you wonder.

Take care of yourself.

[mainer]

45. btw, I've vowed I won't do this to my kids.

When the time comes, I swear I will move into a retirement home or hire someone to help me out at home. I won't burden them with constant phone calls to come over and help me figure out how to use my TV remote.

Right now we're dealing with hubby's 90+ year old parents who won't stop driving a car. We have been trying to talk them into calling taxis instead, and have considered just taking away their car keys, but they fly into a rage.

[onethatcares]

46. flying into a rage is the least

thing to worry about. Running into a kid or a family would be a lot worse.

My dad lost his license at 83 due to bad eyesight. He found a doctor that ok'd his eyes but drove for
9 months without a license. He kept telling me he had insurance because he paid for it and I kept countering
that he was breaking the law and his insurance was null and void due to that aspect.

He's gone now but he was a hard headed s.o.b. if there ever was one. At 78 he and my uncle stripped his roof
(2 story) and re roofed it with shingles carrying the bundles up ladders for 30 squares. I told him he was nuts and
he should spend some money but he got mad and hung up on me. That didn't kill him. A stroke at 85 laid him right out.

[mainer]

49. I completely agree. We are trying to find a way to get his car away from him.

The most tragic thing would be for some innocent to be hurt. But his eyesight is still good and he's good at covering up his deficiencies with small talk, so he's able to renew his license. It's impossible to enact any laws requiring more extensive testing for seniors because the state runs up against charges of ageism.

What do you do with an elderly driver who refuses to admit he's impaired?

[onethatcares]

50. we were going to go as far

as having him pulled over by a police officer we knew but realized that the police officer would have made a big deal out of it and
actually arrested my dad so we dropped that idea..

we weren't going to let him go down a full block but have him stopped within 100 ft of his house. Stupid cop wouldn't let us do that.

[Aerows]

62. I'd be overjoyed with them asking me how to program the remote

It's the "We need to move all of this shit that doesn't need to be moved in the first place" type projects that are the worst.

And, oh wait, Let's do all of this shit that involves Aerows doing a bunch of fucking physical labor.

[dembotoz]

51. mom passed 3 weeks ago

like getting out of jail

loved mom but as only child and she was 93....

like getting out of jail

and she was in good shape till the end

[mainer]

52. I felt a mixture of both relief and guilt

Relief that I had my life back. Guilt that I should feel that way.

It's a complicated thing, isn't it?

[countryjake]

56. My sympathies to you, dembotoz.

And I understand just what you mean.

[dembotoz]

59. thank you

[ladyVet]

55. You've got to take care of yourself, or who will be there for them?

If you can afford to hire some help for the heavy stuff, and get them to accept it, then you could continue to do the "light" things.

I remember my daddy telling a story about his uncle, at 94, climbing on the roof to fix it. Family members came by, asked him if he needed any help, and left when he said no, he had it under control. He died peacefully in his sleep a couple of years later.

When I was little, Daddy used to take me and my brother to visit with his grandmother. She and her brother lived together, both in their 90s. She kept a tidy home, cooked and did laundry, right up to the end.

Now that I think about it, both sides of my family are long-lived, and keep their mental faculties. Gosh, I'm going to be a firecracker in about 40 years. My poor kids.

[Aerows]

63. I have

folks on both sides of the family that exceeded 100 years old.

If the "carry heavy shit" projects don't stop, I won't be among them.

[laundry_queen]

64. At the risk of sounding like a hardass

You need to stop enabling them. Even upthread you are making excuses for them or minimizing your own discomfort. They expect that from you. And every time you do something for them, they expect more. We've had this discussion before about manipulative parents. You need strict boundaries. You are not obligated to help them with yard work. If they can't do yard work, they need to be moved into a place with no yard. You need to put your foot down with them. You need to put your own health before them - and I know that's not what you've been taught and it doesn't come naturally. You've been taught their wishes and whims are more important than your own well being. Guess what - normal loving parents wouldn't do that to their children. Also, you've been shown that it's easier to go along to get along, because if you don't, they will make you pay. That is not normal, loving behavior.

I've seen the difference between 'normal' loving parents and manipulative parents as they age. My paternal grandmother is a raging narcissist and my dad eventually stopped visiting because all she wanted when he was there was for him to help her. Help her shingle the roof. Help her harvest the potatoes. Help her move stuff from the garage to the shed, or vice versa. Once he tried to be polite and told her he injured himself and couldn't help. He then had to put up with a few hours of "a GOOD son would help his mother out. *I* raised you to be a good son. I deserve this help. I am OWED this from you. This is what sons are expected to do." and so on. He finally told her he didn't take 2 weeks of vacation to spend half of it helping her do her yard work and that he was no longer going to help her out, period. The next time he visited, she started with the demands again. He said, "Thanks for the visit, mom. I have to get going now." and he walked out the door. The next few visits - the same thing. Eventually, she clued in and moved herself into a home.

Contrast that with my maternal grandparents who were loving and normal. They did what they could and when they couldn't, they called up their kids and announced they were moving to an assisted living apartment. They never once asked or manipulated their kids into helping them.

I've seen you post about your parents before. How they are treating you is abusive. You are not obligated to put up with it. As I said, it's going to be hard because you've been trained to obey them, put up with their abuse and put everyone else before yourself. You've been taught to accept it all as normal. That is not normal or healthy. You might have to put up with one hell of a tantrum the first time you say no, but it will get easier from that moment on. I promise. You can do it.