Why I never reported my own rape

[Paula Sims]

It was back in 1985, he was a grad teaching assistant and I was a chubby (fat) shy girl that was lucky enough to have ANYONE talk to me without making fun of me or wanting to cheat off my tests. My home life was a joke -- I was never supposed to go to college, but just stay home to take care of my uncle. My late Father dipped into his pension to get the money. Of course I had to go to a commuter college -- "nice girls didn't go away to school".

I did the best I could (actually straight A's), found some acquaintances here and there, and then I met him -- Richard. It started very appropriately and went that way throughout the class. Yes, I got an A because I earned it (as I did in calc, organic chem, inorganic, and econometrics). After class we'd run into each other, chat, go our own ways. Yes, the sparks did fly just between. Then one day he took my hand and we walked hand in hand to and from class. And yes, nice hello/good bye kisses (nothing heavy).

Then another day he wanted to take me to a restaurant on the north side of town, in his neighborhood. I was too naive as to what this could mean but he never gave me any indication that it was anything else. He wanted to stop off at his apartment to drop off his books and then we'd go to dinner. He turned on McNeal Learer, 6pm CST, and started kissing me. Then more, Then more, then groping. I kept saying no and pushing away but I guess I was a bit in love with him and thought "what could it hurt".

Then the more became the MORE. I barely remember that. It wasn't violent but it was coerced. It wasn't fun. I remember thinking of the Virgin Mary and the brown scapular during the whole time. At least he took me home. Yes, we did have dinner -- at the Burger King.

I NEVER told my parents, no one at school (people did wonder why we weren't walking around campus anymore), and about 90% of what I told you I told my husband.

I always felt I was a bit at fault for believing this but really, I was a sheltered naive "good girl" that went to confession and communion the next day (it was April, just around my Father's birthday, and Orthodox Easter Eve). But I know it wasn't my fault because I tried to say "NO" -- many times. But he just smoothed his way in.

So that's why I never told anyone. It's bad enough blaming myself, but then having a legal system and then my parents blame me is too much to share. It's my scarlet letter.

I try to help the college girls (and yes, boys) out there but too many are in my situation, and frankly, too many false accusations. I think it's the false accusations hurt the most (like my own God Daughter who later admitted she said yes many times and then, when she was being shamed, she called rape).

I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I felt I needed to. Perhaps it might help some. Hopefully it gives a perspective to "why didn't she report it"? My rapist went on, had relationships with other women (don't know if rape was included), but he settled down in a southern town (he's actually a big science liberal) and I'm sure doesn't even remember me. God I hope I can forget him. . .


Paula

[Kalidurga]

1. It happens far to often

my youngest daughter had a similar experience and she felt it was better to just move on. She didn't call it rape though until both her sisters and I said that sounds like rape. Coercion is rape, it might not leave bruises. But, it does leave scars.

[Dont call me Shirley]

2. I'm sorry that happened to you. Me too. You can heal.

[BlueJazz]

3. Paula, you're a mighty brave woman to put your heart and words out here/there. It's quite

.understandable not to bring your rape out into the world. The world can be a harsh and cruel master for women that have been abused, assaulted and raped. You may blame even a part of yourself but I hope you know that you did nothing wrong.
You DO have to be strong and don't let the bastards/thoughts change you. Don't let the son-a-bitches win.
The only person that can cause you to feel guilty about anything is you.

and Yes...it's easy for me to say all this...

I really admire you.

[pnwmom]

4. Thank you, Paula, for your very honest story. You are right that this has happened

to many other college students. And it was rape and it was his fault, not yours.

I hope you've healed.

[dipsydoodle]

12. Kind and thoughtful words to help repair a bad situation.

Thank you for posting that.

Richard.

[KitSileya]

5. You are very courageous

And I thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately, it's an all too common one.

I wish you healing and happiness from a fellow survivor.

[Liberal_in_LA]

6. i am so sorry that happened to you.

[TygrBright]

7. Happened to me, too.

In the 1970s.

And I didn't report it because I'd had a few drinks at the frat party, was feeling muzzy, tried to say "no" several times, tried to roll out from under him, nothing worked and then he was gone.

And I spent several weeks terrified I was pregnant, and finally got a rabbit test, even though my periods had always been irregular and it just MIGHT have been late.

And the school health service sent the bill to my home address, not my school address. And then the fit hit the shan, indeed.

It was the beginning of a long downhill slide that nearly ended in a suicide attempt, but I pulled up in time, though there was plenty of other slow-motion long-term damage.

One in four women.

Think about that.

ONE IN FOUR.

Don't try to tell us we don't live in a rape culture. Just don't.

wearily,
Bright

[LittleBlue]

8. You are a very brave person to share this

Awful that this happened to you. Thank you for sharing.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

9. brave, courageous soul -- K&R

[Luminous Animal]

13. How many false accusations do you think there are?

[Paula Sims]

15. Sadly, even one taints the pool.

It is a sad fact but true. And THAT is what makes me angry. It's situation like those that makes it harder for people in my situation to report the truth.

ACTUAL statistics -- have no clue, but I know my Goddaugher isn't the only one. . .


On edit: there was a famous case in IL in the 1970's of Cathleen Crowell Webb vs Gary Dotson (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Dotson). THAT was also still in my mind, the ugly way it played out.

[fun n serious]

14. False accusations are few and far.

Last edited Fri Sep 26, 2014, 02:54 AM - Edit history (1)

I'm truly sorry for what happened to you. Did you ever get a chance to express it to him later how violated you felt? I think it is far easier to wash your hands and say you lied than to go face a very critical public about your rape, this I think is one reason women will back out of an accusation. I also note that you said your niece had said yes many times and when being shamed she called rape. I wanted to point out that woman can say yes many times and still be raped by that same man. In fact, a woman can be in a relationship and even married and still be raped. No is no, simple as that.

[Paula Sims]

16. Thank you everyone for your love and support -- only DU can get together like this

I don't really know why I posted it but I felt I had to given all the issues out there regarding women, college, and rape. I'm not a hero and I'm not sure how I managed to compartmentalize it, but I did. Not all rapes are brutal -- as seen on TV -- scenes. Many more are like mine -- just happen.

It happened 30+ years ago, it's over, he's the idiot, and I survived AND THRIVED (and found out I'm making 3x more than he is so yes, that shallow bit of information makes me feel better). I don't want him in jail because that would have just made things worse. I wanted to finish college and start a life. The episode is a part of me, and I choose to use it as a better part of me. Trust me -- much worse things -- emotionally abusive things -- came from my parents and brother. Those scars are the hardest and never really heal.

But one point I really wanted to answer -- why didn't I have sex with him willingly? I didn't want to! I was waiting for my wedding night and he knew that -- he knew my religious affiliation. And no, we didn't get "hot and heavy" -- kissing with NO FONDLING (other than holding hands) was all that ever happened. I will NOT excuse him for "getting hot and bothered" and expecting me to go through with it. There are other means. And why should I be responsible for that? Where is HIS responsibility? Perhaps I should start a campaign: NO MEANS NO (and F#@($#@$( Rush Limp-balls!!)

Where I place the fault is society. They make the victim (woman OR man) to be a double-victim. STOP IT. I wouldn't even compare us to animals because I believe animals have a better sense of "morality" and "honor" than the human animal. And again, it's the false accusations that piss me off the most. That taints the glass for the rest of us.

Thank you for listening and the DU-style lovein'.

Paula

[Duppers]

17. It's happened to too many of us.

H.S. for me. Never reported it. My religious misogynist mother would've blamed me anyway. She still doesn't know. The s.o.b. goes to her church! I cringe when she tells me that he still asks about me.


Thanks for sharing and welcome to DU.

[oberliner]

18. McNeal Learer?

I think you mean MacNeil/Lehrer.

If this is the show you mean:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PBS_NewsHour

In any case, I'm sorry you went through that horrible experience. I hope that sharing it here was helpful for you.

[malaise]

19. Thanks for posting this

[YarnAddict]

20. What a horrible experience, Paula

My heart goes out to you.

I was in college in the '70's, and I knew several young women who were raped. Alcohol was involved, they were in the guys' rooms, and they totally blamed themselves. I hope that by this time they have been able to forgive themselves, and place the blame where it should have been all along.

There was never any justice for them, and their rapists probably went on to do it again.