One father's lament: "The day I stood shimmering in shame."

[pnwmom]

http://ncronline.org/blogs/soul-seeing/day-i-stood-shimmering-shame

Committed a sin yesterday, in the hallway, at noon. I roared at my son, I grabbed him by the shirt collar, I frightened him so badly that he cowered and wept, and when he turned to run, I grabbed him by the arm so roughly that he flinched, and it was that flicker of fear and pain across his face, the bright, eager, holy-riveting face I have loved for 10 years, that stopped me then and haunts me this morning, for I am the father of his fear, I sent it snarling into his heart, and I can never get it out now, which torments me.

Yes, he was picking on his brother and, yes, he had picked on his brother all morning and, yes, this was the culmination of many edgy incidents already and, no, he hadn't paid the slightest attention to warnings and remonstrations and fulminations, and, yes, he had been snide and supercilious all day, and, yes, he had deliberately done exactly the thing he had specifically been warned not to do, for murky reasons, but still, I roared at him and grabbed him and terrified him and made him cower, and now there is a dark evil wriggle between us that makes me sit here with my hands over my face, ashamed to the bottom of my bones.

SNIP


______________________________

I think most parents have been in this father's shoes.

[shedevil69taz]

1. Sorry to say

But there is nothing wrong with children fearing the reaction of their parents if certain acts are committed especially ones they have had multiple warnings and/or reminders about. This man didn't do anything to be ashamed of IMO, and seems to me that the point finally got across without any line being crossed over into abuse of any kind.

[pnwmom]

8. What is wrong is that it can teach a child exactly the behavior you don't want them to learn:.

that it's okay to lash out in anger.

And every time a parent loses his temper like that, it chips away at the feeling of love and security that child feels toward the parent.

I wouldn't say that what this father did was abusive -- he did stop himself before it came to that. But he, and his son, knew how close he came.

[vanlassie]

10. Exactly. Many don't see the positive results of having a relationship

with our children, which does not in any way imply a lack if authority. There is no use arguing with those who have no experience if what this looks like, unfortunately. "My dad beat me and I deserved it" is a worldview of it's own.

[Drahthaardogs]

11. Not so fast

My older sister was a miserable person and as such, took out her frustrations on me. I hold my father accountable for NOT scaring her straight. She apologized years later for 18 years of mental torture. I am okay with her now...but we will never be close. Anyway there is another child here that wzs a victim. Lets not lose complete sight of that.

Siblings bully too.

[pnwmom]

12. But there are other ways of discipline that don't involve fear of a parent losing it. n/t

[Drahthaardogs]

14. Yes and none of them worked.

My father would not spank her because she was a girl. Not everything is kittens and unicorns and deep philosophical conversations.

[kcr]

16. I'm sorry for what you went through

but your memories of your experiences simply isn't evidence that abuse is the only thing that works.

[pnwmom]

17. The fact that your parents didn't succeed does NOT mean that there was no

alternative except hitting or scaring.

[Drahthaardogs]

19. Why does there have to be an alternative?

He yelled at his kid for bullying his brother. He had warned the boy beforehand. In the real world people get angry and yell sometimes. I dont think this guy just turned his son into Dexter. I also think the younger brother needed defending. I dont share your opinion and I reflect upon my own life experiences. Truth be told my sister wishes
Our parents would have been harder on her.

[pnwmom]

21. He did more than yell at him. He became enraged and grabbed him roughly.

It was the rage in his father that wounded the boy and made him not feel safe -- and that made the father feel guilty.

The father's reaction was healthy.

[Drahthaardogs]

22. You are a psychiatrist?

What physiological benefit was received?

[pnwmom]

24. I am someone who believes the father, who clearly feels that he behaved badly.

And his description of the incident tells me that he is right.

"I roared at my son, I grabbed him by the shirt collar, I frightened him so badly that he cowered and wept, and when he turned to run, I grabbed him by the arm so roughly that he flinched, and it was that flicker of fear and pain across his face, the bright, eager, holy-riveting face I have loved for 10 years, that stopped me then and haunts me this morning, for I am the father of his fear, I sent it snarling into his heart, and I can never get it out now, which torments me.

[Drahthaardogs]

25. But what makes it healthy vs. un healthy...

And what qualifies you to make that determination. See cause where I am sitting if the younger boy now sees his father upset for standing up for him... what message does that send.

[pnwmom]

27. As I said, I believe the writer is the most qualified. He knows exactly what happened,

exactly what was happening between the brothers -- and you do not. He also believes that becoming enraged at his son, and grabbing him roughly, causing the child fear and pain, was wrong. And he was there. We weren't.

I'm very sorry about what happened to you but there is no reason to think that your situation, apparently repeated over years, was comparable to what happened in this family.

It's not okay for parents to become enraged with their children over minor incidents, as this man described, causing them fear and pain. It probably happens to most parents, but that doesn't mean it's right or healthy.

[rustydog]

20. I can count the times I was spanked by my parents on both hands and have 7 or 8 fingers left over

I do recall very clearly when I had to tell my father what I had done once...
He looked at me and said: "I thought you know better than that, I am so disappointed."

That hurt more than any spanking

[Liberal_in_LA]

2. k&r

[riderinthestorm]

3. This guy is way over-analyzing his parenting.

His boy transgressed towards the younger son after being warned. Older son gets the consequences.

There's no "shame" there.

First world problems redux...

Trying to "talk" to kids in some sort of counselor/therapeutic soothing tones to resolve problems doesn't necessarily work.

Sometimes it takes a prompt direct response.

Your toddler runs off into the street, you don't try to talk him/her about it. You immediately convey your disapproval - hugely! so that they don't do it again. Same thing with bullying younger siblings. Its simply unacceptable behavior. Make it known that's a bright line and transgressing it means a parent gets angry.

Rightly so imho.

[pnwmom]

6. No one's life was in danger. This was a case of a tired, stressed parent losing his temper.

When you terrify your child, you've crossed the line, IMO. And most of us have probably crossed that line, but that doesn't make it right.

[lumpy]

15. Yes. That child will never forget the violence he experienced from his father. There are so many

other ways a child's behavior can be altered.

[Laffy Kat]

26. The problem with showing anger when your child runs across the street.

Children will confuse anger with fear. Instead of a swat on the behind, I would always try to explain how much they scared me and why. Once, rather breathlessly, I place my son's hand on my heart so he could feel how fast it was beating, how scared I was. And sometimes, when I was really, really, at the end of my rope, I would tell the boys that I was feeling extremely angry and I had to put myself in a time out. I would then lock myself in the bathroom. They HATED that and would stand at the door and beg me to come out. I don't think I ever locked myself up more than five minutes before I caved. Now they're teenagers, though, and I'm open to suggestions.

[handmade34]

4. good read...

"...No god can forgive what we do to each other; only the injured can summon that extraordinary grace...

...he sprinted away and slammed the door and flew off the porch and ran down the street, and I stood there simmering in shame. Then I walked down the hill...and found him there huddled and sobbing. We sat in the moist, green dark for a long time, not saying anything, the branches burly and patient. Finally, I asked quietly for his forgiveness and he asked for mine and we walked out of the woods, hand in hand, changed men."

[Snotcicles]

13. I too, found that most profound.

[ecstatic]

5. There was a segment on "What Would You Do"

that kind of touches on this. The woman who showed up at the 3:30 mark was awesome!

[dionysus]

7. nice prose.

[Brigid]

9. I think there is another lesson here . . .

It seems to me that by age 10, a kid is going to start learning that his or her parents are fallible human beings, and that means they make mistakes. Learning that your parents are neither omnipotent nor infallible -- and neither is anyone else -- is part of growing up.

[lumberjack_jeff]

18. It's a tightrope.

When a kid darts across a parking lot, they need to freeze when a parent says "stop"...

I think there are worse parental sins than to alarm your child, and while bullying his little brother may be as good a teachable moment as any.

It's not all fun and it's not all easy.

[Lex]

23. My father would do sort of the same to me but I knew he loved me

but I did think twice about defying him when he told me I was pushing it if I didn't stop picking on my brother.