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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsGorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack
Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack
SAN DIEGOFollowing the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.
After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me, said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if Im ever in that situation, I wont have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. Ill be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.
Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly, Keller added. And you never know when youll need to use a gorilla to save your life.
Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.
...
http://www.theonion.com/articles/gorilla-sales-skyrocket-after-latest-gorilla-attac,30860/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:NA:InFocus
Cali_Democrat
(30,439 posts)Ian David
(69,059 posts)FourScore
(9,704 posts)Last edited Tue Dec 17, 2013, 01:08 PM - Edit history (1)
CFLDem
(2,083 posts)BB1
(798 posts)His name is Bokito and he is a juvenile. Still a huge animal, though. He attacked a woman who had been visiting him for years, vying for his attention every visit. He bit her 99 times. You read that right.
After attacking the woman, Bokito moved to the cafeteria for a light snack and the olde souvenir-shoppe for a picture of himself.
Here's the video of Bokito in the restaurant after his escape (skip to 1.15 minutes)
In the afetrmath, the zoo was to be made 'Bokitoproof' (you read that right, again. It was the word of the year, iirc) and Bokito himself was moved to another zoo.
(instead of purchasing a private gorilla, people talked a lot about tranquilizer guns)
Logical
(22,457 posts)CreekDog
(46,192 posts)you saying it is doesn't make it so.
Logical
(22,457 posts)CreekDog
(46,192 posts)to you they do.
Control-Z
(15,682 posts)Are you a gun enthusiast?
napkinz
(17,199 posts)The parody really hit a nerve with that individual.
It probably opened his/her eyes to something he/she doesn't want to acknowledge.
Rex
(65,616 posts)and ever...
Capt. Obvious
(9,002 posts)You lost this argument already in Ask The Administrators.
Rex
(65,616 posts)Yes, being shown the total buffoonery of the gun argument probably does that to certain people.
uppityperson
(115,681 posts)NYC_SKP
(68,644 posts)After every gorilla spree people get a-scared that the gubmint will pass new laws and take their gorillas, so they go out and load up.
It's a terrific example of an Unintended Consequence, or a Perverse Result.
Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #6)
Name removed Message auto-removed
frylock
(34,825 posts)NYC_SKP
(68,644 posts)...before it went away!
And, in any event, I and everyone I know support UBCs and closing gunshow loopholes.
I think it's the AWBs and magazine limitations that spur sales more than anything.
~~~
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)or should I say, what you *think* is their real name.
It took you forever! I kicked and recommended this post, amigo!
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)for some reason you keep attempting to reveal what you think is that poster's true residence and/or first name. this info not only doesn't appear to be correct, it's not something that's been revealed on DU, so why you are attempting to do this to a poster as retaliation for an argument they had with you is beyond me.
but it is a form of intimidation, in addition to being against the rules.
It took me even longer. Must be your superior mind that put us all on our knees. Or that you're so narcissistic that you think that DU and the World and then The Universe all revolve around you so we can find you 24/7. I kicked and recommended this post too, amigo!
The more the merrier!
NealK
(1,918 posts)NealK
(1,918 posts)But I'm sure that you too have an excuse. A better one of course.
NYC_SKP
(68,644 posts)It's a big place, so many groups and forums and PMs to manage.
But I think digestion is even more important because without that, well, we wouldn't get very far!
.
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)no wonder!
and sprinkling and unsprinkling your profile with references to other posters and their posts.
very time consuming!
joeybee12
(56,177 posts)KNR
progressoid
(50,043 posts)sarisataka
(18,981 posts)If you feel you need to protect yourself get a macaque. Only the police and military should have gorillas.
longship
(40,416 posts)I have a troop of baboons. Now that's serious defense!
sarisataka
(18,981 posts)Now you are talking about assault apes of mass destruction
longship
(40,416 posts)...
No... Back... Get back.... BACK!!!!!
AAAARRRRRRGH!!!!!'
.
.
.
theaocp
(4,259 posts)AR-angotang15. It's very reliable.
aikoaiko
(34,186 posts)Blanket Statements
(556 posts)ThoughtCriminal
(14,080 posts)longship
(40,416 posts)You win the thread. With National gorilla suit week, no less.
ProudToBeBlueInRhody
(16,399 posts)IDemo
(16,926 posts)awoke_in_2003
(34,582 posts)only criminals will have gorillas. Jesus wept.
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)Much lighter, and the ammo is much cheaper.
Demoiselle
(6,787 posts)The idea of an everyday carry Capuchin is entrancing!
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)Plus it's expense as heck to get a permit for a full auto primate.
justhanginon
(3,292 posts)valerief
(53,235 posts)Only chimps are probably meaner than gorillas, despite the size difference. Chimps are the real face-eaters.
zappaman
(20,606 posts)It cost $20,000 but I have never been attacked.
Money well spent since it has been proven to keep away gorillas.
Iggo
(47,625 posts)The Straight Story
(48,121 posts)No wonder people think we are a little cuckoo at times.
"NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store. "
How many threads have we had on DU about the actual school shooters? Hardly any. Why? Because guns, over 200 million of them, run around with their buddies SUV's and kill people randomly (they just happen to hitch rides on some folks, who are totally innocent and just like you and me). The Adam Lanza's of the world we don't question or discuss (unless they beat up someone, second you use a gun you are no longer the topic and no one cares about the perp).
Hmmm 200 million guns. 30,000 deaths (half of which are suicides) = 0.015% of the guns are running around killing people.
Our solution? Ban more guns! Take em all! It is a crisis! More Laws (don't enforce current ones or fund them, that don't make me feel better). We lap up the news because the news tells us it is news and to be scared. We don't think for ourselves (look at what skinner said even about guns in DU, it tends to follow the news cycle) because we don't have too. I could take 30,000 stories and spread them out a year and folks will lap it up.
News stories about the 200,000,000 people don't want to hear (it does not build up their hate or bias - responsible gun owners? Over 99% are. How many women claim false rape? Less than one percent. So, by the gun logic those people are what? Don't like the same basic argument in that case? Wonder why? Probably because it is a bogus argument in the first place).
I don't have to own a gun (which I don't) to see that the logic is something we normally shun when it comes to other things, but hey, this is all about emotions and feelings! The muslims is dangerous and we need to be scared when we see one on a bus. Ooops meant hunters or people reading gun books. Same logic we complain about elsewhere we worship here.
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)Too many perfectly good gorilla threads hijacked by guns. ..
DBoon
(22,450 posts)go to the dungeon
If you want to fling gorilla poo - stay here
Continue flinging away my fellow primates
Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)For everyday carry, you want to go with a smaller caliber primate. Much easier to conceal.
Sure gorilla's throw enormous dooties downrange, but at lower velocities due to being so muscle bound. Granted, they will tear though just about anything, but how many bad guys wear their "Second Chance" undies on a regular (pardon the pun) basis? I feel, IMHO, that higher velocity Capuchin rounds have nearly the same stopping power with the added benefit of being much cheaper and a quicker cycle rate. YMMV.
Glassunion
(10,201 posts)No ones coming to take your gorilla.
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)In fact, if what I wrote or posted pleased you regularly, I'd have to reconsider.
I'm not here to please conservatives with what I post --quite the opposite.
Tab
(11,093 posts)Bueller?
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)it's not that complicated is it?
Bjorn Against
(12,041 posts)There have been hundreds of articles from the Onion posted in GD over the years. Good satire is popular around here and I am glad it is.
WowSeriously
(343 posts)Lizzie Poppet
(10,164 posts)The Founding Fathers only had mandrills...
FailureToCommunicate
(14,046 posts)Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)NealK
(1,918 posts)Funny.
etherealtruth
(22,165 posts)RebelOne
(30,947 posts)Packerowner740
(676 posts)Scootaloo
(25,699 posts)DreamGypsy
(2,252 posts)That's zero, zippo, zets.
The Onion article linked to on this post is from January 10, 2013. On that day, the Slate site - How Many People Have Been Killed by Guns Since Newtown? reported 1020 or more people killed by guns in the US.
I have a slight suspicion that the Onion's reports are exaggerated. I am not concerned about being touched by a wild mountain gorilla:
They need to be concerned about our touch:
IUCN Red List: G. gorilla: CR; G. beringei: EN (What is Red List?)
Key: CR = Critically endangered, EN = Endangered
Gorilla
Gorilla gorilla gorilla
All gorillas face a very high risk of extinction in the wild in the near future if current threats do not subside. Hunting, forest clearance for agriculture and timber, and disease are the main threats to gorilla survival and these problems continue to increase in intensity and extent. Gorillas, like many African primates, are also subject to human warfare in parts of their range.
CONSERVATION THREATS & POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS
Threat: Human Induced Habitat Loss and Degradation
Habitat loss and modification due to human activity is a primary threat to gorilla survival. Agriculture, logging, fuelwood and forest product collection, and grazing domestic animals all degrade gorilla habitat and are problems that only increase as the human population in Africa grows (Plumptre et al. 2003). Only about 20% of gorillas live inside protected areas where, in theory, they are safe from habitat modification by encroaching humans. The remaining 80% are severely threatened by human induced habitat modification (Harcourt 2003). Mountain gorillas, while numbering only a few hundred, live in well-protected national parks known as the Virunga Conservation Area comprised of Parc National des Virunga, Parc National des Volcans, and Mgahinga Gorilla National Park (Steklis & Gerald-Steklis 2001). Habitat destruction has subsided in this area in recent years (Tutin & Vedder 2001; Plumptre et al. 2003). The growing human population on all sides of the mountain gorillas' habitat allows for little buffer between the apes, and human activities like cattle grazing and collection of forest products have been problematic in the past and may become so in the future if political instability results in another civil war (Oates 1995; Steklis & Gerald-Steklis 2001).
Eastern lowland gorillas living in war-torn DRC are losing habitat faster than any other gorilla population (Plumptre et al. 2003). Logging, agriculture, and livestock grazing are all important economic activities for humans that lead to habitat modification in the eastern lowland gorilla's range. Lowland populations are being forced into higher altitudes where steep slopes are not conducive to farming or ranching, isolating the population even further (Ilambu 2001). Following wars in 1996 and 1998-99, a huge influx of refugees from Rwanda compounded the problem as more pressure was put on the forest for fuelwood and food collection. The potential far-reaching effects of this sudden increase in human population will not be known for some time (Ilambu 2001; Tutin & Vedder 2001). Mining prospects in DRC are also having devastating effects on the habitat and gorilla population (Stoinski pers. comm.). Ecotourism can be a positive, revenue-earning undertaking for some communities, but when poorly managed can have negative impact on the animals or ecosystems it has been implemented to save. In the case of eastern lowland gorillas, ecotourism has had a negative impact on the gorillas and their habitat. Implemented as a source of revenue for local communities, the large groups of frequent visitors severely impacted high-altitude vegetation and were disturbing to the gorillas (Tutin & Vedder 2001).
The majority of western gorillas live outside protected areas and are therefore most at threat from human induced habitat modification. Fortunately, though, where gorillas exist in the remote forests of the Congo Basin, they are not subject to human disturbance. Interestingly, though, gorillas can coexist with logging because they tend to favor the areas of secondary vegetation that grow after an area has been clear cut (White & Tutin 2001; Plumptre et al. 2003). Unfortunately, with logging comes habit fragmentation by logging roads and easy access by hunters. Forest products are in increasing demand in some parts of their range where human populations are high and continuing to grow, including Nigeria (Cross River gorilla), southern Congo, and parts of Equatorial Guinea (Tutin & Vedder 2001).
<much more at the link>
Recursion
(56,582 posts)So, umm....
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)Recursion
(56,582 posts)I mostly am.
I really hate seeing my fellow progressives advocate from a position of ignorance, over, and over, and over, and over, and over again...
Spitfire of ATJ
(32,723 posts)muriel_volestrangler
(101,445 posts)tclambert
(11,088 posts)shall NOT be infringed.
That's yer 2nd amen-munt right there!
stevenleser
(32,886 posts)Betsy Ross
(3,147 posts)Search and replace gun with gorilla or pussy cat for similar results. Come on Onion, get creative.
Rex
(65,616 posts)I love the Onion!
Stevepol
(4,234 posts)Here are the figures for 2010:
If a gun is used to kill someone, who gets killed?
19,392 = gun suicides
8,275 = gun homicides
606 = unintended deaths
230 = justifiable homicides
Put another way,
68% of the time the gun will be used (maybe not by the buyer) to commit suicide
29% of the time it will be used to kill somebody while committing a crime
2% of the time it will be used accidentally to kill someone the user didn't intend to kill
1% of the time it will be used to kill an intruder or attacker or someone that the user may be justified in killing.
What if somebody tried to sell you something, whatever it is, and he told you, "Well, to be honest, the chances of this product doing what it's intended to do are only 1%, but everybody's got one, and you will feel weak and insignificant if you don't have one."
Would you buy that argument?
After Obama won a second term, I saw a picture from somewhere in Tennessee, of a line stretching 2 blocks of people anxious to buy a gun because of their fear that Obama would _______________ (I don't know. Just fill in the blank.)
CreekDog
(46,192 posts)Nuclear Unicorn
(19,497 posts)Liberal_Dog
(11,075 posts)This was posted here not long after Newtown.
It is still funny though.
myrna minx
(22,772 posts)Aldo Leopold
(685 posts)What a dream job it would be to write for The Onion.
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