Today, I was my very own death panel (my Mom)

[Bennyboy]

Decision day. She took out her breathing tube last night. Do we put it back in? She is incoherent and sticking to the bed, she hs so much fluid. So do we insure a few more days or do we make her last days comfortable? I was going to have to make the decision to how much we were going to do in regards to the ventilator but she made that decision herself.

In some ways, I think people no matter what face some kind of death panel. family or otherwise. I think they can keep almost anyone alive but is that all there is?

Very very hard to deal with right now. All alone. my Borther is no help other than give my the weekly attaboy......

[warrior1]

1. I'm so sorry.

We're here for you bro.

[hrmjustin]

2. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

[mainer]

3. So sorry. If she took out the tube, maybe she's telling you something.

Before my mom died, she refused to eat. Wouldn't take anything by mouth, even though we tried to spoon-feed her. She'd just turn away, and this was after she'd stopped talking. I think it was her way to control her own passing.

If this is not reversible, then I would not replace the tube.

[former9thward]

4. My father was in that condition.

I let him pass on. That is what he wanted. It is not an easy decision no matter what you decide.

[hedgehog]

5. This is a hard time for you. The question you have to answer is whether or not

she will ever be able to come home. If not, I'd opt for keeping her comfortable rather than stretching out her dying.

We went through this with my mother several years back. We were lucky in that she was able to tell us it was time for her to go. I sometimes wonder briefly if we did the right thing, but she'd been in and out of the hospital several times that year, and she came home weaker each time. She was looking at being bedridden at home, which she wouldn't have liked.

My prayer goes that you make the right decision for your situation, and that you are confident in your decision.

[uppityperson]

6. Hugs to you. Sounds like she made the choice, it sucks having to deal with it.

My mom made her choice and it was just hard. Peace to her and to you.

[elleng]

7. VERY sorry you feel you are alone,

but we are with you, Bennyboy, and she appears to have made decisions herself.

Keep her comfortable.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. She is telling you, in the only way she can, that she's ready to go.

Let her go.

It's hard, yes, but this is what she wants. She wants to be comfortable.

Think about the quality of her life, rather than the quantity. Maybe that will make it easier.

You have my sympathies...

[pacalo]

48. ^^This^^

[Arkansas Granny]

9. My thoughts are with you.

[renate]

10. I completely understand your reluctance to let her go

Could you talk to anybody on the hospital's hospice team who has seen a lot of deaths and could advise you on what she's going through right now?--whether she took out the breathing tube as a reflex or whether it means she genuinely wants to go, what somebody in her physical situation is experiencing, stuff like that. Some health care professionals deal with this process all the time, every single work day, but it's brand new to you. Get the best advice (emotional as well as medical) that you have access to; again, I'd particularly recommend a talk with a hospice nurse if one is available.

This is an extremely difficult choice... there's really no upside to either letting her go--it's the end of hope--or to prolonging her life for the sake of postponing the inevitable. Sorry to be so frank but you know better than anyone that this situation is completely horrible. I'm truly sorry you're having to go through this. You're in my thoughts.

[Historic NY]

11. Hard decision my aunt in Feb did the same thing.......

she wanted no more tubes, vents & O2, she slipped away peacefully on her terms.

Hard choice.

[msanthrope]

12. I am so sorry. I wish you strength and peace. nt

[hollysmom]

13. I have been there with my own father and then my mother

I am so sorry you are alone, it is hard to shake the decision, but you have to think that this is for the best. We did what we did to ease the pain and having been for warned we all got to see mom before she went into the coma. talking on line is not as good as in person, but we are all here for you. post again. we can talk about it.

I hope these stories can give you comfort.

ON Christmas long ago we found that my father was entering the paralyzed phase of parkinsons. If we got him up, he could shuffle around a bit, but when we put him in bed it took 1/2 hour for his body to unbend and lie straight. He had been in the hospital for a month and they tied him to his bed, he begged us to take him home, when they finally got his medication adjusted so his heart rate was right, we took him home. Then Christmas day we found he had taken all his heart medication at once, when he started to fail. He fell asleep and seemed out of pain, we (mom and I) delayed calling help until he was dead. Could not send him back to the hospital and his future was bleak and he was almost 90 and lived mostly in a delusional world where he accused the cat of knitting all day and my mother (actually me, he started thinking I was his wife and my mother was his mother) . was having affairs with a basket ball player who lived in the attic.

Mom was harder, I had talked her into not having some surgery because the prognosis was very bad, I had spent over and hour discussing it with mom and my doctor, who I had review all my mother's tests. The odds were 50% she would survive the surgery and if she survived, she would be in a wheel char for the rest of her life. Because of not having that surgery, my mom had a stroke, which tool away her peripheral vision and english. She spent a year recovering from that when she had a heart attack, When I brought her to the hospital, she recovered and they did a test, where she died and they revived her despite her DNR. SO they put her on blood thinners - but this caused a brain leak for days and they only discovered it when it destroyed her ability to breath and move.I had my sister fly up after talking to a doctor (not her doctor who had all sorts of surgeries planned but an intern at the hospital, who took a liking to us) who thought the prognosis was hopeless. So together we made the decision to pull the breathing tube.

[Skittles]

14. I remember it well

my dad shot himself in the head and lived for six days.........day three was my birthday - I guess we were oddly fortunate he passed on his own.......my sympathy to you Bennyboy

[NYC_SKP]

33. Oh shit.

I'm so sorry Skittles.



My mom left us Friday, by choice, with hospice, and with my full support.

I'm so sorry about your experience.

[Skittles]

36. my sympathy for your mum

my mum left two years ago the same way as yours

[Curmudgeoness]

58. My condolences to you, NYC SKP.

Even if you do give your full support to the choice, it is still a difficult experience to lose your mom. I am sorry to hear this.

[countryjake]

108. All my sympathies to you!

[spinbaby]

47. That's rough

My husband's grandfather did that almost 40 years ago and some family members are still scarred.

[TreasonousBastard]

15. As you see, many of us have been there and there is no right answer...

not even a good one.

Just follow your heart and remember that every one of us is alone when we make these decisions. Even if family is there to consult with, it's still your decision.

[TNNurse]

16. my thoughts

I am an RN. I have worked with many patients just like your mother. You know what your mother would want. Does she have an illness that is terminal or is there something that can be cured? Yes, they can probably keep her alive...but can they make her better? Do we keep people alive for ourselves or for them? The thing to remember is that people die from their illness. They do not die from the decision to not treat longer, they were dying anyway. If we cannot cure an illness but can maintain someone only to suffer, should we? Most of the treatments done in ICU involve uncomfortable ( the polite word for painful).

I made the decisions for my mother after talking with her. It sounds like that it is too late for you to do that with your mother, but I suspect that you would know what she would want. We can only do the best that we can. We cannot predict the future. I would tell your brother to come and get involved or decide to accept what you do. This is hard. VERY HARD...we sometimes show our love by letting go. I will be thinking about you as I am sure many others on this site will also.

[dixiegrrrrl]

82. What a beautiful wise reply.

Welcome to DU.

[Arkansas Granny]

89. Thank you for helping us realize that letting go can be an act of love.

[Betsy Ross]

17. Peace. n/t

[Warpy]

18. I had to do it for both my parents.

My dad made himself DNR, but I had to assemble the people (lawyer, nurse witnesses, chaplain) to allow him to do it.

After he died, I found something they'd drawn up in the 1960s, detailing that if the situation were hopeless, there were to be no heroics at all. They'd done that before things like end of life care became an issue.

It helped a great deal when I found that.

There are still people who want everything done, even when all hope is gone. It's very hard to let go. The best I could ever do as a nurse was explain what "everything" would entail in terms of suffering.

[Yo_Mama]

19. In general, I would opt for "last days comfortable"

But this is up to you - you know more of her and her condition.

Do the doctors give any hope for improvement? If not, then perhaps you should look at her action as a choice?

If she took out her breathing tube, then sedation would be required anyway, so....

It sounds as if you are all alone in this, without other family helping you. I'm very sorry.

[JackN415]

20. My condolences

[brer cat]

21. I am so sorry that you are alone with this decision, Bennyboy.

It is never easy, but it really helps to have siblings with you as you decide. DU will be here for you if you need a sounding board or a shoulder.

I will be thinking about you.

[Lugnut]

22. I've been there with my mother.

There was no chance that she would recover or survive with or without a feeding tube. I asked her physician to make her as comfortable as possible so she could find peace. It was always about her and with her in mind.

You will make the right decision for you and your mother.

[RobertEarl]

23. Been there, it wasn't my choice

One mistake I made was in not bring her home where she wanted to be. But all in all, it was not my decision or choice. It was not my life.

Just give her all the love you can.

Peace.

[In_The_Wind]

24. I'm sorry Bennyboy.

If it were my family I would let her last days be comfortable.

[malaise]

25. Let her go peacefully - yes insure her for a few more days

It's hard but since she wants to go, let go.

[MannyGoldstein]

26. So, so sorry this has to happen

Whatever decision, it is the right one. We all do the best we can, it's all we can do. And when we use our heart, we make the right decision.

Peace to you, your mom, and to your family.

[WinkyDink]

27. {{{Bennyboy}}}

[arely staircase]

28. i gave the "do not resuscitate" instructions in the case of my grandmother

it was very hard but I don't regret it. medical science has, in many cases, allowed us to live longer and shittier.

[Tien1985]

29. I'm sorry, wishing you peace and love nt

[NYC_SKP]

30. So my mom died on Friday, May 24th, but we had hospice care.

I cannot recommend them highly enough.

I urge you not to make these decisions without some professional input from a doctor, a priest, a rabbi, a nurse or health care professional of some type.

Otherwise, you might forever question your decision and that's just unfair.

My mom chose to quit life a week ago and with the administration of medicines, she legally hastened her own death.

Please ask for help, please don't bear this along.



Also, I can relate vis a vis unsupportive siblings.

[nenagh]

102. I agree that a professional can give great counsel ... My Dad, 92, was in ICU in Florida...

on a positive pressure breathing machine, put on so I could get to the hospital before he passed away, to say goodbye.

But, flying from Canada, I could not get to the hospital before 7 pm or so, he had been on the machine at least 8 hours by then.

The machine was exhausting and he wanted it off... But he thought he could just leave the hospital then and go home..

He was very awake and aware, verbal and wanted the mask off. I was in charge of end of life decisions...if he was unable to be competent to make the decision.

The dilemma was that no one had told him that, if the mask came off... he was going to die...

So I asked that a Social Worker talk to him...to explain to him what might happen if he took off the mask.

Later the SW, a gentle young woman, perched beside my Dad's bed and euphimestically but quite clearly spoke to him of what would probably happen if the mask came off.

He elected to keep it on...Thankfully, very early the next morning a wonderful team of Hospice workers asked if

I would accept him being moved to the Hospice area... and I was relieved to say yes...they explained that they would not use any extraordinary measures, the mask would be removed by their team, that he would not last long...but he would be very comfortable. They told us when to come in. He was lying in a real bed, looking very content. He passed away shortly after.

So, I can only thank the little social worker and the Hospice Team for their help in the end of life decisions

and how much I needed to have my Dad informed of how gravely ill he was.. because everyone had expected that I would walk in and say yes...take off the mask now...before he fully understood and accepted what would happen after the mask was removed..

Speaks to the complexities involved...and how difficult are the decisions.

I'm so sorry that you now are facing these issues.

[NYC_SKP]

105. Thanks.

They are the kindest people, hospice workers, and that is their profession.

I think every culture has the equivalent, an elder or shaman or someone to help others through this time.

It's a good thing.

[countryjake]

109. I couldn't agree more...Hospice is amazing!

Hugs and Peace to you, NYC_SKP!

[AnotherDreamWeaver]

31. After we brought my Dad home, and had Hospice care, there wasn't much to do but wait.

We all knew what was coming. The last words I can remember him saying were "I don't know what to do." He could no longer take food or liquid. We would dip a washcloth in water and let him suck on it a little so his mouth wouldn't dry out. The family was all around him when he passed. Not much we can do but provide as much comfort as possible.

Best Wishes,
ADW

[Cronus Protagonist]

32. Do what your heart tells you

You're a kind and loving son. She knows you will do what's best for her and all the family. It's tough being in that situation, I know because my own mother was in a coma a couple of years ago. Mine survived and is back to normal, but she had a simple illness that was alleviated by surgery. I remember the anguish I felt about her life and her care back then and so I feel for you.

Do the loving thing.

[texanwitch]

34. I dealt with this with my parents and I visit a nursing home.

When people want to die, they will.

Your mother knows what she wants to do.

I have seen to many people in the nursing home I visit kept alive by family.

Spend time with your mother and let her go.

Let her have peace.

I know this is hard on you, listen to your heart.

[Le Taz Hot]

35. My Great Uncle,

who was the closest thing to a father I ever had, did the same sort of thing. He was refusing to eat so they inserted tubes which he then proceeding to try to tear out. As a result, they literally tied his hands to the bed. This is a man that trapsed up an down the Sierra Nevada Mountains hunting and fishing and camping for 50+ years, tied to a bed. Because of age and a broken down body, he could no longer go camping or even drive. He was homebound and hated every minute of it. We had to make that decision and my Great Aunt, his wife of 63 years, made the decision to pull the feeding tubes. He was transferred to the V.A. Hopsice where he passed peacefully several days later. It was the right thing to do.

Know that, sometimes, people just know when it's their time to go and they actually make that decision, one way or another, themselves. You just facilitate their wishes. This time is NEVER EVER easy and know that there are people who have been where you are now who can offer empathy and support.

[ismnotwasm]

37. That is so very hard to go through

[Coyote_Bandit]

38. .

I gave the do not resuscitate orders for my mother in December and then made arrangements for hospice care, Sucks. I think of it as the last thing I was able to do for her.


Sending warm thoughts your way.

[mia]

39. I feel for you, Bennyboy.

I would probably want to have the breathing tube put back in, just in case she accidentally pulled it out.

My dad tries to pull IVs out and leave the facility whenever he's hospitalized. They put thick "boxing type" mittens on him so that he can't do this. He still has a strong will to live, even though he sometimes is confused - frequent urinary tract infections make this much worse.

A few months ago, during his last hospitalization, the doctor recommended that we start hospice care for him. We children were stunned and decided to have him released back to the assisted living facility, knowing that he was still very much himself, even if physically weakened. He's doing okay now, wheeling himself around and up and down the elevators - going to and from meals and visiting our mother on her room.

Whatever decision you make for her, know that it is the right one. Only you are close enough to have her best interests at heart.
May you find peace during this very difficult time.

[annabanana]

40. I am so sorry Bennyboy.

When my Pop was in extremis, there was one time we reinserted the ventilator that I regret in hindsight. But we had no way of knowing what the next few days would bring.

It is the hardest thing to deal with.

I know that no matter what you do, you will have done the best you can.

[OneGrassRoot]

41. I am so sorry you're all going through this.

One of the hardest things in the world.

[tularetom]

42. You aren't alone you're among friends here

And many of us have faced the same decision.

We've been through this plug pulling process twice with my dad and my mother in law. Plus my mother refused all treatment for lung cancer except palliatives.

Nobody gave us any directions but we could read the non verbal signals and listen to the doctor's prognosis (no hope of any sort of recovery in either case) and after many years we still feel we did right by them.

You know your mother better than anybody and you'll make the proper decision.

Hang in there.

[cate94]

43. So sorry for what you are going through.

Please don't feel alone because we are here for you.
Peace to you and yours .

[timdog44]

44. I am there with you.

It is a very difficult decision to make. But like some have said, it sounds like she made it for you. My father had idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis and was on an oxygen machine that produced over 30 liters per minute and he was still heaving. He said he really did not want to go on. And I, with the help of my wife, reassured him that if he did not want to go on that it was OK to die. He wanted to know what to do. So we took his oxygen off and had the nurse give him a big shot of Demerol (we had to get the doc to OK it). Within two hours Dad had died. He died knowing it was OK to do so and with the dignity he deserved.

My Mom was a different story. She was advanced Alzheimer Disease and was not able to make the decisions and she was in a nursing home and they did everything they could to keep her alive. For us she died twice.

My opinion is for her to be left to be as comfortable as possible. If you have a hospice, they are usually very good at doing the end of life things. It is OK to die. It is part of the journey. I am there with you. Good luck. God bless.

[enlightenment]

45. As so many have said,

she has made her decision. Make sure she is comfortable; speak to her as though she can still understand you - because maybe she can. Say goodbye - do that for you - and tell her it's okay to go. She may need you to do that for her.

We are always alone in these moments, Bennyboy - even when surrounded by family - because we each experience the death of a loved one in our own way. It's not something shareable. I certainly understand how you feel; particularly with a sibling who can't bring himself to help you share the choices that need to be made, but remember that in the end, the choice is hers. All you can do is what you believe - what you know in your heart - that she wants.

Strength to you. It is a very hard road, but you will get through it and you will have the comfort of knowing that you did the best you could for her.

hugs.

[nobodyspecial]

49. Very sage advice

Saying goodbye is so difficult.

[enlightenment]

91. The most difficult thing we ever do in life. nt

[Botany]

46. You are not alone!

We are here for you and your mom.

[calimary]

113. Let me echo what Botany just said, Bennyboy. You are NOT alone!!!

We are here, with you on this. We keep this vigil with you, and surely you know how many of us are up at all odd hours, around the clock.

Many of us have had to watch an older loved one complete the last passage and make the jump to lightspeed. We know how difficult and heartrending it is, and we've stood in your shoes. We understand and sympathize with what a difficult transition this is for both of you.

Please keep us posted. Keep us in the loop. We will walk beside you along this path.

You are NOT alone.

[TheOther95Percent]

50. I was in the same boat.

My sisters and I had to make this kind of decision for our dad. It was a difficult decision but we wanted him to have a peaceful and pain-free passing as possible. We could have opted for feeding and breathing tubes and other interventions. All that would have done is extended his hospital stay. He had no quality of life and no hope of ever leaving the hospital. He knew that and we knew it too. Still, it wasn't easy with the emotional connection to figure out the right thing to do. I'm just grateful that we got to make the decisions instead of the insurance company or somebody who didn't know and love him. It felt like we gave him a final gift in letting him go peacefully.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I wish you peace.

[ewagner]

51. We've all had to face this...

.."we" of course means "us babyboomers" who have had to make this same difficult decision with and for members of our families...

dignity

without pain

without suffering

...that's how we show our love for our family members.

[LiberalLoner]

52. I'm so sorry. Sending you and your family my deepest sympathies.

[patrice]

53. We went through that with Daddy. It left a mark on the family that will be a long time

going away - if it ever does.

...........

You will do the right thing, Bennyboy. Peace be with you.

[BrotherIvan]

54. Dear Bennyboy and all those who have lost loved ones

My deepest sympathies and empathy to you all. I just lost my mother this month after a long and grueling fight with cancer. But I must say, the fight with the doctors and the medical system was much worse. The recommendation to hospice on here is the best one I can recommend. They know exactly what stages the body is going through, as well as a patient's psychology and their needs. No regular doctor can help you. Hospice will help you so much to make your decisions and not feel the crushing guilt (though the absence of guilt is not possible). I'm so sorry to hear your brother is checked out, but I was in the same boat--alone with no family members to lean on--and the hospice nurses were so compassionate and caring that it really helped.

I do hope you and your mother find some peace. I fought so hard against death because I thought it was the worst thing, but watching my mother waste away, bedridden by inappropriate treatments for over a year, I realized that death surrounded by people who loved and cared for her was, in fact, not the worst thing at all. All my heartfelt feelings of caring go out to you and your mother.

[calimary]

115. Such a great post, BrotherIvan.

It reminds me of the struggle I had with my dad, when he was in his last months. It was awful - seeing him go through that, knowing the agony and pain and longing for release. He kept talking about wanting to go "home." And there was nothing we could do but sit and wait it out with him, and try to make him comfortable.

I reached a point with him (as with my mother-in-law and mom later on) where I didn't know what to pray for - a "miracle"? Or simply safe passage? By then, it seemed like a "miracle" wasn't even a realistic option anymore - keep him alive so he could stay mired in this awful, painful, and frightening ordeal? After only a little while, that option didn't make sense anymore. And we KNEW it wasn't what he wanted.

[Curmudgeoness]

55. I am so sorry that you have to be in that situation.

I have been there twice, once with my father (but my mother was there to talk it though with) and again with my mother. Both times, the decision was to let them go peacefully. I think it was easier for me with my mom, since I knew how she felt about what to do for my dad.

You are right, we often have to be our own death panels. I am lucky in that I believe in euthanasia, so I did not have guilt about not doing more. I did have regrets about other things, like not having more time to talk to them or tell them all that I would have liked to say, but there was no guarantee that they would have been able to do that if we had done anything heroic.

Another thing that I learned was that hospitals will, under the auspices of "keeping them comfortable until they pass", help them get there sooner. With my mom, they pumped morphine into her IV every 10 minutes or so until she basically overdosed. Not a bad way to go when you know the end is there anyways.

Your decision will be the right one. My condolences. I know this is the hardest thing in the world to do.

[still_one]

56. Sorry for what you are going through, but it is not a death panel it is an end of life issue to prev

Suffering

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family

[Freddie]

57. Follow your heart, she would not want to suffer

A week ago today my mom, 84, had a massive stroke after having several other strokes over the past 10 years. The neurologist in the ER explained everything to my brother and me, and we decided together, no tubes, no heroics. I remembered she had filled out such a form and I found it later.
Mom spent her last week in a lovely hospice. She never woke up. It took almost a week for her body to follow; she passed away early yesterday morning. The hardest part is dealing with Dad, who is 91 with pretty severe dementia in a nursing home. When he has lucid moments and realizes his wife of 62 years is gone, it's hard to watch to say the least. He was supposed to go first.

[PasadenaTrudy]

59. Went through that with my mom...

in 2010. Had to make the decision to remove the tube and send her to hospice. Horrible decision to make, but it was the right one. She passed away peacefully a few days later. Peace be with you and your mother, it is just an awful thing to go through...

[Cleita]

60. When death is inevitable and prolonging it results in great discomfort and

pain, it's better IMHO to make them comfortable and let them go. I wish I could have done this for my father, who was put through eight days of agony with efforts to prolong his life when he should have been allowed to pass peacefully. But back then in 1972 the medical community felt they had to prolong lives as long as they could no matter how much the patient suffered. My dad died with broken ribs and bruises all over his chest with the efforts made to resuscitate him every time he tried to die. I would have loved to have been able to be his death panel.

I know you must be going through an awful time and I hope you will make the decision that feels right to you.

[grasswire]

61. look around -- you're not alone here

Many kind folks will listen, will offer advice, will see you through. We are DU. Open 24/7.

[VPStoltz]

62. I was Power of Attorney to my mother and I had to make the same decision 2 and half years ago.

I was just thinking of her today for some reason - strange coincidence.
I had my family with me though so at the time I didn't feel I was doing it alone.
But I have often felt like I did something horrible even though my mom was terminal.
It's never easy, but believe me when I say, "I know what you're going through."

[siligut]

63. If she has all that fluid, she is not at all comfortable, either way

Let her go, tell her you love her and let her go.

[Bennyboy]

64. Thanks all. I have been sorting stuff and all that and I am a wreck....

Going through all of this stuff.

[WinkyDink]

74. I'm sorry, Bennyboy. It must be so very hard.

[hopemountain]

65. take her hand

and tell her everything that is on your heart right now, bennyboy.

ask the nursing staff for support resources. tell them you can use it now. just talking with someone helps.

i am sorry.

[barbtries]

66. i'm so sorry

you have to go through this alone. i'm going to make sure my sons know my feelings about this. i hope your mother passes peacefully. all the best wishes to you.

[DesertFlower]

67. sending positive thoughts. today

is the 1 year anniversary of my husband's death. he died in hospice from an inoperable brain tumor. he was only 64.

[onlyadream]

68. So sorry

I was where u are with my dad 6 months ago. I wanted that damn tube out more than I could express. We did it and he passed about two hours later. You'll feel a lot better when it's out. I feel guilt that we kept it in for four days.

[sarge43]

69. The good folks of DU have said far wiser words than I ever could,

so I'll just say this and forgive me if I sound harsh.

I went through this with both my parents and I learned this: Death is inevitable and your heart shatters watching it happen to someone you love. However, there is one thing worse -- pointless pain and suffering.

Strength and peace.

[Thinkingabout]

70. I have a physican's directive and four people with medical power of attorney will

Direction of my desires. I am a Christian and know there is a better place and do not want any heroics. I had talked to both of my parents, I had no doubt of their desires at their end of life and though I knew this was carrying out their wishes I still hated to admit I had to give them up. I am happy for them. My duty was done, I said my good byes and this also helped in my grieving process. May God be with you at this time.

[onethatcares]

71. I am so sorry to hear this

can Hospice offer you any help?

I hope you have peace in whatever decision you make.

[RainDog]

72. ((((((hugs)))))))

you're not alone, as you see here.

peace to you and your family.

[nadinbrzezinski]

73. Let me give you a hug

And a shoulder.

[dionysus]

75. went through that last year almost to the day, it sucks, bad. best thoughts to you, and stay strong.

[FLyellowdog]

76. The difficult decision was made for my sister in February.

She wasn't aware so the circumstances were a little different but removing all life-support was the kindest thing we could do for her.

Please find peace in knowing that whatever decision you make, it will be the best you can do during this moment of truth.

You know in your heart probably what your mother would want...whether to be more comfortable or a little older.

Thoughts for you and your family.

[Uben]

85. Sorry for your loss....

....yeah, I've been thru it, too. Dad in '91 and my wife last year, but she had a medical directive on file and made her own decisions. It's tough, but you gotta let em go.

[FLyellowdog]

92. I totally agree. My wishes are in writing and my family understands.

Sorry about your losing your wife last year.

[roamer65]

77. My thoughts are with you right now.

I know you will make the right decision. Your mother is guiding you to it. Be with her till the end.

[Buns_of_Fire]

78. I'm so sorry. I've been there, too.

It was just about a year ago, and I wound up making the decision that nobody wants to make.

You have as much support here as we can give.

[ErikJ]

79. Doctors give each other extra morphine

to die. That's what one did for my dad. After all the relatives had seen him in his terminal stage I faintly overheard his doctor ask him if he was ready. He was gone the next morning.

[MuseRider]

80. Sending hugs.

I helped make this decision with my mother by being brutally honest with her that we had tried and done everything that was offered to extend her life. I did not have to make that final decision but I was alone with her when it was made and alone with her when she died.

I did everything humanly possible to save my brothers life, he wanted to live and he was only 47. I was the only person left or around who gave a shit, even my husband could not be bothered. I understand entirely the burden put on you here. Please be easy on yourself, she did this and intubating her again would be difficult for her and truly, she will just do this again unless they tie her down and nobody wants to see that. Be well, do what you think is best for her at this particular time. You will do what is right, no matter what you decide. Whatever it is it is done with love so be at peace with it. I am sorry.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

81. sincere condolences for your suffering. We may all have to face this one way or another.

[Mnemosyne]

83. ...

[Samantha]

84. As difficult as it was, I think you made the right decision

You respected your Mom's wishes. Losing a parent is one of the top ten stressors. Take care of yourself. In time, you will only remember the good times and the wonderful Mom you had.

I lost my Mom when I was six and never really "got over it." But the things that give me comfort are thinking of the wonderful moments we had together. I am sure when some time passes, this will happen for you.

Sam

[VA_Jill]

86. It's hard

My dad died 3 years ago. He was in the hospital, and while there he was DNR/DNI (Do not resuscitate, do not intubate) but we allowed some invasive procedures. He recovered, but ultimately ended up in a nursing home because my mom was unable to care for him at home, even with help. While he was there he was given physical therapy.....well, they tried, but after a week or so he announced he was "not going to do this any more" and he didn't. We let Mom Nature take her course, because basically we knew he had announced his decision that it was time. He died peacefully and quietly. Earlier this year, when it became apparent that our mom did not have too much time left, we took a somewhat different course. In addition to making her a DNR, we decided not to hospitalize her unless she did something like break a hip, and not to have any invasive procedures, even an IV at home. She had a full time caregiver and was on home hospice. Last Wednesday evening she went out the way she wanted, at home, in her own bed, with her granddaughter, her caregiver, and her beloved pug at her side.

It sounds like your mom made the decision herself. Just respect it and don't be too hard on yourself. They can keep people alive almost indefinitely with enough procedures, but is that ethical? I am a nurse (retired now) and I don't believe so.

[KT2000]

87. It's OK

and your decision will be OK. You want peace and freedom from suffering for her, as does she, so your decision will be the right for her.
Sending strength to you at this difficult time.

[Savannahmann]

88. When my Mother was in that situation, I had to make the call.

She'd had a heart attack, and a stroke. We have no idea which triggered the other, but the results were beyond debate. My Father had been ill for some time, and we were expecting to make the call for him, not her. My Father couldn't say the words, and my Brother would not take the lead. I made the call, and then they followed my lead. They could agree, but could not lead on the one event we did not imagine.

My Father passed three years later. He'd been living with my Brother, and due to my own familial obligations, I could not be there. My Brother called me and told me what he'd done, refusing further resuscitation efforts. I could do little but give him an attaboy, and support him verbally, and emotionally. I would have liked to be there, but it was impossible. He was left with the burden, and while I feel a small sense of guilt, I also know my Brother understands my issues. He and I are absolutely supportive of one another.

I don't know your situation, and I hope that you find the peace you so desperately seek. I don't know if your Brother has a similar situation to my own, but I will say this. If it was possible, I would have been there for him. It was simply not possible. So all I could do was the phone attaboy.

[cally]

90. My family made this decision a little less than a year ago for my Dad

and it was the right decision. He would not have survived with any quality of life and dignity. He had made clear to us all that he did not want medical intervention so it was easier. Still, the medical staff pushed us to use the feeding tube but my sister had just witnessed the endless agony of her best friend's mother who was given a feeding tube at the hospital and has lived in a close to a vegetative state for over two years. Once you get it in, then it is hard to take out. Another friend I called who had just gone through something similar suggested it was the wrong thing to do. I do not want that life for me and I know that my Dad did not want my life.

I know what helped me is understanding that some of these early decisions like the feeding tube have big long term consequences to their potentially long suffering like this poor woman. Be at peace with your decision. Also, we couldn't use hospice because my Dad was in the hospital but we used palliative care at the hospital and talked to the social worker at the hospital. Both were helpful.

[Rowdyboy]

93. I had siblings and their spouses and it made matters worse....Do what you think is right.

Sounds like you have a pretty clear idea what she wants.

[peace13]

94. As a current caregiver to my sister...

...my heart goes out to you. Love to you for being there for your mother. Your brother has no concept of how things are for you. Mom is so lucky to have you. Keep her comfortable and stay close. Not everyone gets to experience this kind of love. Namaste, Kim

[glinda]

95. Love and hugs on this difficult time

My mom died last year and we went through difficult decisions. I feel very much for you.....

[BlancheSplanchnik]

96. Bennyboy...I'm hoping YOU have *some* support somewhere.

Because it's important for you now.

I think you know what's the best thing to do for your mom...just a matter of listening to her, and I think you are doing fine with that.

But when you said you're dealing with all this on your own, I resonated with that and felt concerned for you in all this mess.

You got any kind of support?

[Bennyboy]

101. Not one iota...

My friends live miles away. My brother refuses to help, or even care I think. He lives in Montana. My kids, well they are no help at all and the one that should refuses to even call me. And none of them live in the area.

It is not just the emotional help I am talking about. it is the dealing with the stuff in the house, the cat, all of that that i will have no help with. Where is it going to go? How is it going to get there? I have NO MONEY,a nd am not physically able to lift anything heavier than a couple of pounds, and I have beds, couches, Sony trinitron TV's (Which are enormous) and all that which I cannot possibly move. Nor do I have anything to move it with, or into, or to, even if I can move it.

I have no place to go (Well that might be the easy part, myself and my stuff) but the rest of the stuff I have no idea what to do with any of it.

Really overwhelming really.

[SoCalDem]

103. Take a deep breath and try to relax a bit, Benny

Your non-helpful family is probably the norm..until they decide that "Mom always wanted them to have......" or to try and claim something for themselves.

Ask someone.....anyone you know to help you move things or hold a sale.. Before she became ill, perhaps she had some friends who have able-bodied children/grandchildren who could help you. You might even ask a nurse who;s been caring for her. You must ask for help...People will surprise you..

You are doing her a kindness by not prolonging the inevitable.

If there is an auction place nearby, perhaps they would be willing to help you move the stuff out, in exchange for auctioning it off for you (they take a cut, but it's still better than nothing at all)

[Fla Dem]

121. Bennyboy, I can feel your despair and sadness and I weep for you.

Please know there are many here who have experienced much of what you are now going through. You will get through it, one day at a time. You will be tired and exhausted when it is all done, but you will get through it. You will still be sad when it's over, but you will get through it.

As far as your Mom's household possessions, in my experience, the best way to go is to find an auction house nearby that does estate sales. We have a wonderful one near where I live. They came in and boxed up the little items and sold them as lots. The bigger items, first they had a sale right in the house, and what didn't get sold they took and sold at auction. Everything was inventoried and accounted for. Just a suggestion.

Be at peace, knowing that your mother will soon be.

[Granny M]

97. so sorry, Bennyboy.

Wishing a peaceful passing for your Mom.

[Raine]

98. I had to go thru that 5yrs ago with my father. I know how

how awful it is. We had to decide after it had been removed if it should be put in again. In the end we decided to let him go on his own. The doctor said reinserting the tube would be terribly painful and only give him hours longer, not days, not any real time. My father went on his own about 45 minutes later. My thoughts are with you.

[Chemisse]

99. The best thing to do (and maybe the hardest?)

is to let your mom go when she is ready.

My sincere condolences to you for the tough time you are having right now, and for your loss when the time comes.

[Contrary1]

100. So very hard to let go...

It will have been 18 years next month. My mother was ready to go...she had told me. But, she refused to fill out the living will form. By the time the doctors figured out what was going on, it was already too late.

And yet, when that moment came when they asked me if they should revive her...for a few seconds I was selfish. I wanted her here. I wanted her to see her grandchildren graduate from college. I knew I would miss her terribly.

And, then I thought of how her last two years had been. Dialysis three times a week. By the time she recovered from her last treatment, it was time to go again. So much weakness and pain.

And so, I shook my head no. At best, it would have bought her a few hours more.

I miss her every day.

[arthritisR_US]

104. Love, peace and strength to you (((Benny))).

I know too well what you are going through having gone through it at the end of January with my own mother and now dealing with a terminal illness with Robert. We got his diagnosis Febuary 15th and between palliative care coming daily and the emergency 911 EMT forays to the hospital where each time they sit us down to discuss the levels of care, it's a heartbreaking journey.

Please take care of yourself as it is all too easy to neglect ourselves and you will need every ounce of strength you possess. Be gentle with your spirit and know you are not alone

[life long demo]

106. I am so sorry Benny

There is no easy way. The only thing I can tell you, do what's best for your Mother. But sometimes it's the hardest thing you ever have to do. And you are not alone. You have hundreds of friends here to hold you when you find it difficult to hold yourself up. We understand, we care.

[countryjake]

107. You have my deepest sympathies

I'm in a much similar situation as you, but I called in Hospice already, more than a month ago, after the doctors gave my ancient mother only one month to live. Before that, there was much despair and sad scrambling, trying to do anything and everything to fix what ails her, as I also have a brother who appears to be in denial about her condition and who would have put her thru much more suffering to save our old ma.

I am not like him. She is 95 yrs old, has lived a long, independent life, literally refuses even an arm to help her walk, and has shunned and despised doctors and the entire medical industry throughout her entire life. Heroic treatment was never an option, as far as I'm concerned; no tubes, no chemicals, no magical modern machines for this stoic old country woman. She will die under her own terms, and she is taking her own sweet time doing it.

I have been back home with her for the past two months, doing practically everything necessary to keep her clean and comfortable. We are very little women, she is five foot, now 75 lbs due to her illness, and I am not a whole lot bigger, but I have bad joint and bone troubles, so I have been using my own heroic efforts just to care for her properly...it has been very hard. Now that Hospice is helping, we have several modern conveniences to make that care much easier, a bedside commode, a wheelchair, a wedge bolster for her old bed, and a lift chair (which she despises, has climbed right out of the thing every time I sit her in it, ha). But, the Hospice nurses have been so helpful and wise...I would recommend their assistance and advice to anyone and everyone who finds themselves facing a similar dilemma. Call them, get their initial interview and judge for yourself whether or not that is the route you must take...they will aid you in your decisions, advise you with their own experience and expertise, and provide the much needed comfort that you, yourself, are lacking. Do it!

(I am back in wa state now, since Sunday, called to my own home to help my beloved little kitty die her own death. Amazingly, with this dear animal, I have been torn to find any and every means to save her, but with the cost of vet care, that decision was not mine to make, so I must simply help her die, myself. It is agony for me, but she is in no pain and was almost gone when I got here...I cry with every breath she takes, thinking it may be her last. I just consider her passing as practice for when I return to Ohio, to continue helping my mother do the exact same thing.)

Peace and strength to you, Bennyboy!

[reflection]

110. .

[Moostache]

111. All my condolences for your terrible circumstances...

I know I will be facing my own similar circumstances soon enough as mom has beaten back cancer 4 times in the last 12 years but won't have the strength left for another round...its been a miracle to have her for the time we have. She got to know her grandchildren and spend more time with my brother, sister and I than her mother ever got (died of cancer at age 45 when I was just 6 months old).

I hope the happy memories warm you in the difficult days ahead and wishing you all the best.

[Sheepshank]

112. It takes courage mixed with a lot of questioning and tears......

....but in the end you do what "they" want you to do. IMHO it's not so much a death panel as an act of conciliatory compliance. Hugs you to!!!

[mazzarro]

114. My sincerest condolence to your family -- n/t

[noiretextatique]

116. my sympathies, Bennyboy

i know how difficult it is to watch loved one suffer. my sister had a relatively short battle with cancer and died after two months. if she had asked me, i wouldn't have hestitated to end her suffering. do what's best for your mom.

[DCKit]

117. Just went through this....

Every penny in receipts you submit for caring for your Mom is going to drive the vampire insane. Go for it. I didn't count everything either... that wasn't the point, but it is now.

If you have sisters, sick them on him. He'll be powerless against them.

Hope your Mom did a better job structuring her estate than mine did.

[tavalon]

118. I'm so sorry,

and please let her go. Your description really describes a person in misery. I know this is incredibly hard and it sucks that your brother is being a wuss, so you have to be the man.

[Highway61]

119. Been there...

Last edited Tue May 28, 2013, 03:59 PM - Edit history (1)

My heart goes out to you. Made that decision on my daughter. Hardest thing I ever had to do. In my heart of hearts I knew I did the right thing. Zero prognosis and much suffering. She was 20. It's been 10 years and there isn't a day goes by......

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

[democrank]

120. May you find the strength you need, Bennyboy.

~PEACE~

[Bennyboy]

122. Thanks everyone for your words... (Update)

She is now being treated as recoverable due to her breathing on her own for 24 hours. So now the course of action is one of getting her back on her feet.

She is having a stent put in today and then she is being operated on tomorrow for a blockage in here bile duct between liver a and gall bladder (possible stone) and then hoping that will clear some of that up and solve the infection troubles.

[mia]

123. Good news!

Glad to read that she is pulling herself through this.

[Bennyboy]

124. Update

Mom is doing much much better. She was fairly alert toady. She was thinking she is coming home tomorrow (something she has done that last couple of times she made the hospital).

The doctors have changed thier approach to her they are trying to make her well instead of comfortable. She surpried the Docs when she pulled the tube by coninuing on. Today she is having some stones removed and the Doc's expect her to go to Skilled Nursing next week. She may even come home, which changes everything for me. I have already started packing and preparing for he not to come home.


But that's how it goes. Can't argue that I could spend a few more days with my Mom...