Apparently... Princeton Alumna Has Blown Up The Interwebs... Or At Least The Princeton Servers...

[WillyT]

SUSAN PATTON'S LETTER TO THE DAILY PRINCETONEAN
Letter to the Editor: March 29, 2013
By Susan A. Patton
Guest Contributor
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Published: Friday, March 29th, 2013

Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had

Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here’s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you.

For years (decades, really) we have been bombarded with advice on professional advancement, breaking through that glass ceiling and achieving work-life balance. We can figure that out — we are Princeton women. If anyone can overcome professional obstacles, it will be our brilliant, resourceful, very well-educated selves.

A few weeks ago, I attended the Women and Leadership conference on campus that featured a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter, and I participated in the breakout session afterward that allowed current undergraduate women to speak informally with older and presumably wiser alumnae. I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

When I was an undergraduate in the mid-seventies, the 200 pioneer women in my class would talk about navigating the virile plains of Princeton as a precursor to professional success. Never being one to shy away from expressing an unpopular opinion, I said that I wanted to get married and have children. It was seen as heresy.

For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.

I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again — you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Of course, once you graduate, you will meet men who are your intellectual equal — just not that many of them. And, you could choose to marry a man who has other things to recommend him besides a soaring intellect. But ultimately, it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn’t as smart as you.

Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.

Susan A. Patton ’77
President of the Class of 1977
New York, N.Y.

Link (scroll down): http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2301415/Susan-A-Patton-wrote-Princeton-student-newspaper-urging-female-students-snag-man.html

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HuffPo Responds..

Susan Patton's 'Daily Princetonian' Article Urges Female Students To Find Husbands Before Graduating
Nina Bahadur - HuffPo
Posted: 03/29/2013 12:42 pm

Link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nina-bahadur/susan-patton-daily-princetonian-find-a-husband-princeton_b_2979789.html

[villager]

1. Talk about self-entitlement.

I guess they teach that at Princeton, too.

[kestrel91316]

2. Did I somehow miss the federal legislation that made it illegal for women to

marry men who are younger than they are, or perhaps just graduated from college a little later??????????

Somehow a double facepalm seems inadequate here.

[dixiegrrrrl]

3. Oh, THAT explains my failure as a woman..

I didn't marry while I was in college.....sigh. I thought it was a place for learning stuff, not a hunting ground.
I feel so inadequate now........

[Sheldon Cooper]

7. Heh. I married a man I met in college (not Ivy League).

He was my intellectual equal, if not a little better. The marriage lasted three years.

[Kber]

4. If I send my daughter to Princeton

It won't be so she can get her Mrs.

Wow.

[CTyankee]

5. Back in the '60s, I always suspected that the culture of Princeton was screwed up.

But I thought it had "evolved." Now I am wondering if it evolved all that much or just got women students who were like minded.

But hey, I live around Yalies here in New Haven...

[shenmue]

6. What?

Did she bump her head on something?

[Phillip McCleod]

8. probably a glass ceiling.

[supernova]

9. Oh, Bollocks!!

What a stinkin' pantload. She went to PRINCETON to figure that out? Clearly their curriculum was wasted on her. After 40+ years she doesn't remember:

Her favorite subject?
Her favorite professor?
Her favorite notebook of class notes?
Her most enlightening course?
Her favorite spot in the library stacks?
Her best essay, assignment, or class presentation?

She was a bag of rocks going in and a bag of rocks coming out.

I'm 50 and learned a few things about relationships and education:

1) People are individuals. Same for potential romantic partners. Let people tell you who they are without making assumptions about them. The guy who runs your corner convenience store? He speaks seven languages and on his days off likes to watch international films and go to art galleries and museums. The young girl at the dentist's office wants to go to dental school herself. People aren't their jobs or station in life. It's just where they happen to be when your lives intersect. What you see initially might not be all there is.

2) Men don't futz over the same things women think they do about women's bodies. For hetero matchups (only because that's what I know): Mature men of substance (I'd say definitely 35+) don't care if you are overweight or rail thin. They care if you are healthy and are leading an interesting life that they might want to join in. They may initially be attracted to your *assets* Legs!, Boobs!, but it's your passions in life that will keep the right one(s) interested in you day after day, year after year. Once I realized this, I was able to relax and meet the right person for me. We've been together for four years. He is my same age and of similar tastes and expectations. Woo. Before that I had all the attention from 20-30 somethings I could want. It was fun but nothing of substance. This also keeps away people who are potentially harmful personalities out of your sphere. What I learned was, go party. Say "Yes!" to all invitations that interest you. Don't turn down a chance to get out and meet and mingle. So the idea that there is a dwindling supply of "quality" people to date is bollocks! You can find an appropriate person for you at any stage of life. If you don't feel especially social, stay home, order in and watch a movie or read a book. Do what is needed. You'll be a happier person on your next outing.

3) There is always time to learn something new. School was so fun I try to learn something new every day. It's one of the things that keeps you alive and interesting, and not fundy! No matter where you went to school, it's the difference between being educated and just getting a diploma.

Princeton should take her sheepskin back. Clearly she didn't learn anything useful.

[Raine1967]

15. +1

What you say is spot on!

Especially ((2))

ok, I take it back, ALL OF IT. I feel exactly the same way and have pretty much lived my life like that.

But especially 2.

[treestar]

10. I always had to wonder at these warnings

They are in essence admitting to you and telling you that these "husbands" are picking a sex object out. Who wants that husband? If it were as she says, none of us should ever get married.

[supernova]

11. She's a trophy wife

and in turn picked someone (probably a frat boy) who wanted a trophy wife.

[Raine1967]

14. I think it a little more than that.

I posted this link, but it worth reading it all. http://jezebel.com/susan-a'-patton/

She has a few issues that I think she would serve herself well to deal with before bestowing marriage advice to women she doesn't know.

[Raine1967]

12. Wow. Just freakin' wow.

I am really glad you posted the response from Ms. Bahadur. She responded perfectly.

Ms. Patton does not have truths. She has opinions that she seems to really seems to want to be truth.

And her opinions certainly are reminiscent of a time long ago when women were expected to go to college to find a nice man and settle down and have a family.

--- I wonder if Ms. Patton would apply such wisdom to Michelle Obama -- she did pretty well without marrying before she graduated.

SMH.

God forbid women put off commitment while they choose to achieve there own goals. I know for myself, marriage was an obstacle to things I wanted to do. It's also why I chose not to have children.

My education and the knowledge I gained from it was important to me.

Jezebel has Patton's response to pushback from her letter: http://jezebel.com/susan-a'-patton/

"I understand how retrogressive it is and yes I understand that not every woman on earth wants to get married and have kids, that yes you could marry a man who is not your intellectual equal. I'm just saying, you increase your odds of being happy in your marriage, happy in your life, if you find a husband who is appropriate for you. Which gets harder after you graduate…I don't mean to be anti-feminist. This is truly the advice I would give my daughters if I had them."

and then there is this:

Patton and her husband separated between her older and younger sons' admissions to Princeton (in 2006 and 2010 respectively), which she attributes to his lack of Ivy League swagger: "My husband's academic background was not as luxurious as mine, and that was a source of some stress... I think he felt a certain level of resentment."

This sounds like an awful lot of projection on Patton's part.

SMH.

She's a mess.

[supernova]

13. Just guessing

but i bet the ex-hubs has a word or two to say about "not as luxurious as mine, and that was a source of some stress.... resentment."

Yeah. Whatever keeps you warm at night, lady.

[CK_John]

16. Not to worry, Princeton and other Ivy League won't be around in 5yrs.