Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goodbye (Ferret)
There once was a boy called Kevin McSomething, who ventured out into the world, looking to swap his soul for something shiny and hollow. The old witch who lived in the dumpster in back of the abandoned Blockbuster Video offered him half a pack of stale cookie dough bites and a VHS copy of Turner & Hooch, but Kevin said, “Oh, I bet I can get MUCH less than that!” and on he skipped, tra lee, tra la, until he came upon the Republican Party.
(As ever, links and the shiniest of colors await those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey-goodbye/)
The rest, sad to say, is history, and if literacy is still a thing when we come out the other side of this shitshow, the textbooks will remember Speaker McCarthy as perhaps the single bootlickingest stooge in the craven cabal that sought to sell American democracy to a game show host who regularly brags about passing a cognitive test. Ask not for whom the face-eating leopard yowls, Kevin; it yowls for thee.
Under the terms McCarthy shrewdly negotiated with those unmatched leadership skillz of his, the Speaker serves at the pleasure of the skeeviest attention whore in his caucus, so Matt Gaetz pulverized a couple Viagra tablets, snorted ‘em off Andy Biggs’ ass, and dispatched his boss to a farm upstate, where he’ll have plenty of room to run around and play with the other “Young Guns.”
Naturally, the Party of Personal Responsibility™️ blamed Keville Chamberlain’s defenestration on Democrats, who were supposed to bail their election-denying, default-threatening, sham impeachment-pushing, fascism-enabling asses out “for the good of the country.” Why, the mewling “moderates” who cave to the radical fringe every. single. motherfucking. time. are even squawking about quitting the Problem Solvers Caucus.
GASP!
Not…THE PROBLEM SOLVERS CAUCUS!
(I assume you have fainted and recovered by now. Moving on.)
Kevin kicked off his Speaker Emeritus phase with all the class and dignity we’ve come to expect from him, ordering his buffoonish placeholder replacement to evict Nancy Pelosi from her office, while she attended Diane Feinstein’s funeral in California, so he could move in. Go for it, bro; you’ll always look two inches tall in her shadow.
Now he’s talking about fleeing Congress altogether. Good. May you pass the remainder of your days in sandpaper underpants, you spineless chickenshit.
Anyway, now begins the assclown slap fight for the worst job in Washington. Who will emerge from the morass as the next Grand High Turd of the Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus? Will it be Steve “David Duke Sans Baggage” Scalise? Gym “Feel Free to Molest Wrestlers in the Cloakroom” Jordan, who earned the coveted endorsement of Inmate P01135809? Or possibly Kevin “Also a Congressman, Apparently” Hern?
Better vote quick, campers, cuz George Santos could be hauled off to prison at any moment, especially now that his former campaign treasurer has taken a plea deal, and implicated him in campaign finance fraud.
John Kelly confirmed all those stories about the Velveeta Vulgarian calling our troops “losers” and rubbing his butt on the graves of the fallen and whatnot are totally true, a revelation that will surely cost him electoral support with an evangelical base that’s notoriously as repelled by disrespect for the military as they are by lying, stealing, inciting violence, and illegally paying thousands of dollars to conceal extramarital affairs with porn stars.
Barred from all the really cool one-percenter clubs after falling off the Forbes 400, Off-Brand Orbán aimlessly wandered the streets of New York until he stumbled, purely by chance, into one of the many courtrooms where he’s on trial. He lingered for a few days to antagonize the judge, which is the sort of thing only the very stablest of geniuses do.
He earned himself a gag order, for dropping Judge Engoron’s principal law clerk in his loyal murder mob’s crosshairs, (with an assist from the shrieking heads at Fox Nooz) as part of his ongoing campaign to terrorize the justice system into submission. Beyond that, he mostly just whined about not getting the jury trial his own equally stable, equally genius lawyers declined to request.
Say, if there’re any spare gag orders laying around, maybe somebody can get this goon to stop blabbing our nuclear secrets to every foreign billionaire and Russian intelligence officer that wanders by? Probably wouldn’t hurt to discourage the Hitler-y language, while we’re at it.
Meanwhile, the Dotard dropped his retaliatory lawsuit against Michael Cohen, rather than sit for a deposition under oath, amidst the customary cavalcade of legal setbacks. (With more to come, given the inanity of the week’s fresh filings.)
“How many voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb,” asked Greg Gutfeld, Fox’s resident comedian. “Trick question, elections don’t work, try civil war instead!” Greg’ll get his very own sitcom in the Reich to come, about a single dad trying to raise a couple of (white) kids on a concentration camp guard’s salary, called Who’s the Gruppenführer?
In a desperate bid to get someone to pay his legal bills, outstanding taxes, and tab at Four Seasons Total Malt Liquor, Rudy Giuliani announced he’s suing the President, alleging Biden ruined his reputation. Unless you’ve got footage of Joe donning a hyper-realistic, Mission: Impossible-style Rudy mask right before every single one of your public appearances over the last five years, I don’t like your chances, kid.
Speaking of unpaid bills, seems the pillow money finally ran out, leaving Mike Lindell lawyerless before the voting machine companies he’s been so vigorously defaming. In the end, Dominion may have to settle for Fox’s $787 million plus a coupon for 20% off a shitty comforter.
It’s actually been a banner week for stories about shitbags going broke, which brings us to Lil’ Ronnie DiSappointus, who finds himself with barely enough cash on hand to cover the funnel cake budget on the state fair circuit. Pro tip to any GOP megadonors reading this: next time, maybe check to make sure your boy can approximate human facial expressions before investing too many millions.
Plus, rumor has it the state of Arkansas may soon file for bankruptcy, under the crushing weight of Governor Sarah Huckleberry Slanders’ $20,000-a-day podium habit.
Busloads of antifas descended upon Vivek Ramaswamy’s car in Iowa, seeking to tear the prattling gadfly limb from limb for loving America too much. Okay, admittedly, that didn’t technically “happen,” but I heard it from this furry kid who was shitting in a litter box, so I reported it anyway.
New Jersey State Assembly candidate Joseph Viso is sorry about that one time he smeared feces on that one children’s daycare center, he was simply upset because “Obama came into office the year before.” How Obama was responsible for Viso’s 2016 conviction for conspiracy to distribute Methylone was unclear at press time.
So, some prime specimen of MAGA masculinity got arrested for carrying a handgun in the Wisconsin Capitol, while shirtlessly seeking an impromptu audience with Governor Tony Evers, which is the sort of thing that happens every day now, in our exceptionally healthy democracy. I only bring it up because as soon as the little freak posted bail, he returned to the Capitol, this time with an assault rifle. Alas, the dude was hospitalized before he could complete the trifecta, with a nail gun or a Sherman tank or whatever.
Well, it took the full fury of the dastardly deep state, but Lara Trump’s cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” has been successfully cheated of its rightful place as our next national anthem. When you look the song up on Spotify, Dr. Fauci shows up at your front door and administers a special, ivermectin-proof variant of the Covid vaccine that beams Hillary Clinton speeches directly into your mind via 5G.
Speaking of Hillary, she triggered Cult45 again, by calling them a cult, which is what they are. WHY, IT’S THE BASKET OF DEPLORABLES COMMENT ALL OVER AGAIN, they screeched…from their basket.
Okay, that’s about all I can stand for one week. If you’re still readin’, and you want to support the blog, I’m rebuilding the following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter @john_luzar, in addition to the email list at showercapblog.com, plus there’s always room for another 6 pack in the ol’ beer fridge. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, chum…
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Governor Sarah Huckleberry Slanders…
I’m never gonna be able to think of her “real” name again!
