"People Doing Poems on Aircraft Carriers" & Other Atrocities (Ferret!)
Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news:
(You know the drill, links version here: https://showercapblog.com/people-doing-poems-on-aircraft-carriers-other-atrocities/)
The GOP’s presidential front-runner was found liable for defaming the woman he was previously found liable for sexually assaulting, and yet again I find myself shamed by the dazzling moral purity of the religious right. I repent of my heathen beliefs, that lying and rape are wrong. What a fool I’ve been.
And Off-Brand Orbán’s DiMaggio-esque getting-whooped-in-court streak rolled on with no signs of slowing, as Marm-a-Lago IT guy Yuscil Taveras flipped on him, joining the ever-growing list of co-defendants coming to the eminently reasonable conclusion that going to prison for a conspiracy of dipshits who won’t stop publicly confessing doesn’t make a lick of sense.
Oh, and Ann Coulter called him a “gigantic pussy.” I bet Ivanka still won’t fuck him, either.
Animatronic Chuck E. Cheese rat granted a hideous approximation of life by a monkey’s paw Ron DeSantis refused to meet with President Biden during the latter’s visit to hurricane-damaged Florida communities, calculating that a little petulant cowardice might reverse his freefall in the polls.
Bro, that ship has sailed, sunk, and been excavated during a live National Geographic special titled What’s Realer: Atlantis, or Ron DeSantis’ Chances at Ever Getting Elected President? It is 31 flavors of over, son.
Then again, perhaps the death cult can be enticed with the prospect of extralegal violence targeting migrants? Why not swing on down, take in a little of the culture the Governor has built in Florida? Ok, tell you what, how about taxpayer-funded PS5s and Disney tix for homeschoolers? No? I understand. Ron’s personality defects were clearly pander-proof from the beginning.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I simply cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
After obliterating 90% of his expensive new toy’s value in less than a year, Elon Musk found himself in dire, desperate need of a scapegoat. But after making so many epically fucking stupid decisions in full view of the entire world, how could even the richest man alive, equipped with (the tattered remnants of) his own, personal social media platform, hope to deflect culpability?
Inspiration struck like a thunderbolt. “By Jove, I’ve got it! I shall blame…the Jews!”
And blame the Jews he did, visions of reclaiming his squandered billions by suing the Anti-Defamation League dancing through his otherwise pudding-filled noggin.
We also learned Elon sabotaged a Ukrainian military strike on the Russian fleet, thereby enabling months of murderous missile launches, because he truly is what he appears to be: the bad guy from the eighth installment of some irritatingly labyrinthine James Bond fanfic where they kept casting George Lazenby.
Former Grand High Proud Boi (Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Everything) Enrique Tarrio won a 22-year reprieve from stressful decisions like “should I go someplace today” and “when will the lights in my bedroom go on and off,” such are the wages of seditious conspiracy. Well…bye.
Of course, nothing pisses Cult45 off quite like watching terrorists pay for their crimes. I haven’t seen Sarah Palin this upset since the last time one of her shitsack kids got arrested.
Watch out, America, if 2024 doesn’t go Mike Huckabee’s way, he’s gonna gather all his pedophile pals and large adult sons together and start shootin’ up the joint! Like so many Republicans, Mike’s caught Civil War Fever, but don’t worry, it’s nothing a few doses of horse paste can’t fix.
Wisconsin Republicans have no intention of allowing a trivial inconvenience like the clearly stated will of the electorate to interfere with their minoritarian stranglehold on political power, so they’re looking into impeaching newly elected Supreme Court Justice Janet Protasiewicz before she hears a single case. You give the plebs an inch of self-determination, they’ll take a mile, y’know.
Ordered to redraw their hellaciously racist congressional gerrymander to include a second majority-Black district, Alabama Republicans instead exhumed George Wallace’s skeleton and left it, middle fingers fully extended, on the courthouse steps, so an additional judicial spanking has been administered. Boy, good thing John Roberts realized racism is over and gutted the Voting Rights Act, huh?
Senator Sherlock Tuberville uncovered the dastardly deep state plot to feminize and woke-ify the U.S. military via “people doing poems on aircraft carriers,” so the Illuminati had to act fast to contain the damage. At press time, doctors were uncertain Tuberville would recover from the 3-6 new assholes Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro tore him on CNN.
Well, whaddya know, Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis actually declined to prosecute a number of prominent traitors, despite grand jury recommendations, including ascendant American fascism’s yappiest lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham.
And you’d think Lindsey would look upon the smoking wreckage of what was once Jim Jordan, and simply express gratitude at managing to stay out of Hurricane Fani’s path, but it’s just not in his nature. Kissing Donnie Dotard’s ass sure is, though.
During a rare break from decorating Trump mugshots with his seed, Jesse Watters stumbled out in front of his prime time Fox audience to ask, “Is the government controlling the weather with laser beams?” so if you thought the $787 million Dominion defamation payout would slow the Marjorie Taylor Greenification of the wingnut media bubble…think again.
Speaking of Marj, Rolling Stone took us “Inside MTG and Kari Lake’s ‘Death Race’ To Become Trump’s VP.” If you’re wondering what such a race entails, see, Jason Miller puts a paper bag over each participant’s head, and then they wait to see who wanders into traffic or starves to death first.
JD Vance thinks schoolchildren who don’t want to catch preventable, potentially lethal diseases are sissies, and that maybe they’d toughen the fuck up if we mandated wedgies and swirlies instead of masks.
Republican strategists have apparently deluded themselves into believing they can rebrand their way out of the electoral consequences of stealing bodily autonomy from millions of American women, so they’re looking for a snazzy replacement for the old, stale, “pro-life” label. Coming soon: Diet, Caffeine-Free Patriarchy! With Splenda! It’s LIT!
Peter Navarro finally earned the coveted Trump Scout “convicted of a federal crime” merit badge, but at least he made a new friend. Meanwhile, Mark Meadows lost his bid to move his Fulton County case to federal court, while remaining largely friendless.
Turns out Jeffrey Clark is more than just the fashy little bureautwerp who volunteered to rubber stamp any edict necessary to facilitate the destruction of American democracy, he’s also a religious weirdo, who denounced the Burning Man festival as “a neopagan ritual.” Well, depending on how the election goes, Jeff’ll be either in prison, or some cabinet-level Minster of Culture post, can’t wait to find out which!
In an earth-shaking Newsmax exposé, Megyn Kelly revealed the Obamas secretly shadow-puppet Joe Biden via a Being John Malkovich-style portal into his rapidly decaying old man brain. Michelle handles the lion’s share of the puppetry, which frees up Barack’s time for hobbies like crack smoking and having sex with con men. Santa’s still white, too, incidentally.
Meanwhile, the world trembles before the fearsome might of Czar Vladimir’s mighty Russian empire reborn…or it will, anyway, assuming his groveling session with Kim Jong-un goes well enough to secure enough dusty, Soviet-era ammunition to go on slaughtering children for a few more months.
It’s enough to drive a man to drink. Oh hell, it looks like Chuck Todd raided my beer fridge, but anyone who feels like chipping in on the restock can do so now via PayPal or Venmo,PayPal or Venmo, if you didn’t already know. No worries either way. I’ll see you in a week, you stay safe out there till then. Oh, and I’m still trying to rebuild the ol’following on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can be found @john_luzar.
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Okay, I'm only half way through reading but this made me take a moment to laugh my little ass off.
I also enjoyed the part about "Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves" and the description of "American fascism’s yappiest lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham." 
In addition, I'm still snickering at this:
Personally, I don't think 3-6 is anywhere near how many Tuberville deserved, but maybe that's just me!
K&R, plus now that DU4 lets us subscribe to individual posters, I have made sure I won't miss any of these in the future!
Every sentence is pure gold. He introduced me to so many choice ways to not say tfg's name that I just can't thank him enough for that.
I think I'll use the follow feature in DU4 for this one too. 
