Attainder: my fantasy after a Shakespeare binge
I’m currently watching “The Hollow Crown”. I’m getting it through Roku and Apple TV, in case you Shakespeare fans out there want to know. I’m liking it.
England once had something called attainder as punishment for treason. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attainder. So basically you could be stripped of all your lands, riches, titles at the whim of the crown, because treason could basically be defined as defying anything the king wanted in those days. Parliament had to sanction it, but they pretty much went along. Now, the US constitution forbids attainder, because it reeks of absolute monarchy.
But let us dream that such a thing were possible for treason. Of course, Congress should not accede to such an act, least it be abused by those such as TFG, but let’s say it were possible.
All tRump’s money is seized, and attainder forbids children inheriting. All lands are seized - Merde a Lardo could be sold to finance a manatee sanctuary. Bedminster could become a public cemetery (after Ivana’s coffin is thoroughly searched and decently reinterred). All Scottish properties would be converted to a wind farm. Trump Tower is converted into an antifascistt museum.
Stripping of titles would put an end to the pretentious fallacy that TFG is entitled to any vestige of privilege the office he once held. No Secrets Service, no pension, no right to have something like the Presidential Seal on the tawdry merchandise he hawks at his hyped up Putt Putt venues. And maybe Israel could finally get the archaeological treasures it lent the White House (not lent you personally, Donnie!) returned.
Of course, attainder for treason often involved execution and while one would hope BLOTUS would commit seppuku via paper cut from one of his precious, beautiful mind boxes, but it could also involve exile. The Saudis might christen Skankvanka the duke and Duchess of Bonesaw and allow them to live there, but after they saw Jared’s performance with their sovereign investment fund, they throw them out. The family could flee to Kim Jong Un, but he would toss them after he found none of them could play basketball worth a damn. I guess Ivanka could call Putin and remind Uncle Vlad of the time he let her sit in the big chair. Vlad would say he had better lap dances, and adamantly declare “Nyet, no Kimberley Guilfoyle!” Vlad offers sanctuary if Jr And Gums will bring their guns and fight in his Ukrainian invasion, but the boys have seen “Hogan’s Heroes” reruns and will not go to the Russian Front. Their post on Twitter reads “We will only sign up to kill defenseless (and preferably endangered) animals.
So penniless, friendless, and homeless, the family wanders the world, hoping for pity. Until finally, Mark Meadows offers a trailer in the NC mountains from which he illegally voted. But they cannot remain after being declared highly undesirable aliens, and face deportation yet again. In a final desperate move, they seek refuge in Slovenia,where Melania persuades the government to allow “chain migration” on the condition that there will be “No fooking Christmas decorations, okay?”
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