The One Where the Guy Tries to Kill Nancy Pelosi With a Hammer (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, the midterms’re just around the corner, and things’ve gone more or less apeshit. Welcome to election season in the madhouse; sure am glad everybody’s so heavily armed.
(O, the links that await ye on my blog site!: https://showercapblog.com/the-one-where-the-guy-tries-to-kill-nancy-pelosi-with-a-hammer/)
So, turns out, when you spend a couple years driving folks violently insane with persecution fantasies, your politics turn a bit screwy. In a lot of ways, it’s surprising it took us this long to arrive at the Hammer-Wielding Assassin phase of the show.
But we’re there, folks. Masked maniacs in tactical gear menacing voters in Arizona. Election policy succumbing to the demented demands of conspiracy theorists in a rural Republican community in Nevada. Election offices hemorrhaging staff under a bombardment of harassment and nuisance requests. Fast-congealing plans to use the coming results in Pennsylvania to test-drive new attacks on the election system, as MAGA gears up for the big one in 2024.
Basically, the mewling white resentment cult we call the Republican Party has declared open season on democracy, and now we get to find out how many furious weirdos answer the call this time ‘round, wheeeeee. I wonder what silly costumes they’ll wear as they attempt to murder us with whatever household tool or small appliance happens to be nearest at the moment their brain finally breaks.
God knows Paul Gosar’s ready to boogaloo. Lookit the way he lights up at the mere mention of shooting immigrants. Nothing semi- ‘bout Congressman Szell, friends. Feels like it should be a bigger story, doesn’t it?
“Oh Cap, that’s just how Republicans are nowadays, they’re angry and racist and growing more authoritarian by the dang minute and they spend their time daydreaming about violence.” I suppose you’re right; I guess I’m just attached to the old-fashioned notion that every single step these freaks and losers take towards fascism deserves to be front page news.
Like, when Kanye showed up to the picnic unexpectedly bearing a tuna casserole and Stormfront-level anti-Semitism, they slid him into the conga line without missing a beat or making a fuss. People do conga lines at picnics, right? Please don’t tell my high school English teachers about this blog.
(Watching the Pelosi story unfold while I draft this post. Hammer Dork spent his life in the wingnut disinformation bubble, you say? Hours flinging all the latest lies around Facebook, you say? Huh.)
As expected, the Pennsylvania Senate debate offered Republicans an irresistible opportunity to once again prove Adam Serwer’s famous hypothesis, and also for dog-torturing telequack Mehmet Oz to opine that abortion decisions really oughta stay between a woman, her doctor, and “local political leaders,” yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
Since they’re to be deputized as Junior Theocrat Rangers in charge of every womb that wanders within 100 yards, let’s check in some of those “local political leaders,” shall we? See what they’re about?
Obviously, Herschel Walker is ready to hit the ground running here, given his extensive, hands-on experience with the abortion issue, which it feels like we’re learning more and more about every day. Anybody have the Tootsie Pop owl’s phone number? I’d like to find out how many abortions financed it takes to get to that elusive candy center where wingnut evangelicals actually hold themselves to those standards they’re always bellowing about.
Anyway, we’re gonna need some clarification on the mechanics. For example, with Marsha Blackburn cavorting with Proud Boys at an anti-trans hate rally, and Marco Rubio’s campaign hiring white supremacist canvassers, we have to ask, does this apply only to elected officials, or would the umbrella extend to any brownshirts in their entourage? Precisely how many militarized incels will be consulted in each individual birthing vessel’s reproductive health decisions?
Will the “local political leaders” all be as craven and obsequious as Blake Masters and JD Vance? And, if so, how will they balance these new slut-flogging duties with their time-intensive day job, tongue-bathing the hindquarters of a guy who’s spent years boasting about passing a cognitive test?
(What’s that? Glenn Youngkin debuted his tight five on the Pelosi attack while her husband was still hospitalized with injuries inflicted by a MAGA terrorist? On the campaign trail, no less? Gee, there’s certainly no culture-wide rot there!)
Maybe we’re just not getting local enough. Let’s check in on the gubernatorial candidates, I’m sure they will prove qualified, trustworthy supervisors to the nation’s assorted whores and jezebels.
The Mastriano campaign was unavailable for comment, as they were far too busy impugning the Jewishness of opponent Josh Shapiro, and spending Gab founder Andrew Torba’s money, but you know Dougie’s always down for a little dominionism.
But you’ll have to speak up if you want Tudor Dixon to hear you over the brain-devouring maggots. Dixon, who we must assume is, as the party’s nominee for governor of the whole state, the very best Republican in all of Michigan, apparently believes Covid-19 was part of a decades-long Democrat conspiracy to reinstate slavery, which, like so many things Republican candidates spew these days, is closer to believing the Trix Rabbit wants you to kill some recurring insurance commercial character than it is to anything real.
(Oh, and I see the Everything I Don’t Want to Believe is a False Flag contingent completed its thorough study of the Pelosi/hammer incident. Say what you will about their conclusions, they’re speedy.)
Really, the only prerequisite to obtain the uterus-policing powers of a Local Political Leader™️is blind fealty to the ever-expanding litany of Crazy Fake Shit MAGA Believes, like “medication designed to deworm livestock will cure a virus” or “Donald Trump, a 239-pound man who cares about ordinary people like me, won the 2020 presidential election.” Shit, New Hampshire Senate candidate Don Bolduc gets pissy when you understate the length of his cult membership.
If anybody’s looking to snap that last thread and go stark raving nuts tonight, may I recommend the article in the Times documenting the mad tangle of pillow money and Mike Lindell’s personal mental health issues fueling the spread of the Big Lie? Don’t read this one over any vats of experimental chemicals, folks.
Boy, if there’s one thing recent American history has taught us, it’s that there’s no practical limit to the damage one emotionally stunted rich prick can inflict with a sufficiently large platform. Good thing nobody’s selling any massive social media platforms to thin-skinned manchildren, huh?
(Hammer Dork shared Lindell’s videos on Facebook, you say? And me without my fainting couch.)
Incidentally, while I appreciate the contribution to the historical record, I fear Bob Woodward’s Trump tapes are hitting the market at a commercially suboptimal moment; I’m not sure anyone’s hoping Santa leaves Hours of Narcissistic Pandemic-Era Whining in their stocking, y’know?
I tell you what, I bet nepotism is nothing to fuck with when you’re dealing with the spawn of the very mouth of ascendant American fascism; anyway, Tucker Carlson named his kid “Buckley,” because fucking of course he did.
I see the Trump/DeSantis softboi slapfight is heating up, and golly, that’s gonna be embarrassing. Two lumps of weapons-grade mediocrity dueling for the MAGA mob’s attention and adulation. Living in history is gross, and I hate it.
With all the grim shit going down, I thought it was right kind of Ted Cruz to waddle out and step on a few rakes for our amusement. In these post-decency days, nothing warms the soul quite like watching people remind an asshole he’s an asshole.
…except maybe watching the gears of justice work their slow n’ steady will on these thugs. Another clock just ran out on Mark Meadows, I always enjoy those stories. Our old pal Jacob Wohl swung by, to plead guilty to felony fraud. Remember Jacob Wohl? Simpler times, man. Nobody was gonna build a gallows because they thought Elizabeth Warren was gettin’ a piece on the side, y’know?
Nowadays the right-wing kooks are more like Albuquerque Head, who earned every minute of his 7 1/2 year sentence at the Capitol Riot. Or, you know, the fellow who broke into Nancy Pelosi’s home with a hammer and sent her husband to the hospital.
So yeah, this was the one where the guy tries to kill Nancy Pelosi with a hammer, and I dunno about you folks, but I’ve never been so excited to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Something about a tornado of malice and violence just makes me feel like standing up to be counted. You stay safe out there, so you can do the same.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Just finished filling out my ballot. I, too, am excited to VOTE in the Midterms. 
And then I will do some work towards soothing my nerves. 
In this case the bride of Frankenstein’s monster.
Always happy to clarify in cray cray land.
Thanks for everything, Cap.
I am still processing two massive attempts on the Speaker of the US House’s life and not even a hint of decency on the Right. The Turd Reich continues its misbegotten march. This is why we can’t have anything nice. Vote in the GODDAMNED mid-terms!
