He Thought He Could Steal Nuclear Secrets...And Keep Them...At His House. (Ferret)
Well, the news continues its lascivious, herky-jerky dance ‘twixt the slapstick and psychological horror genres. You’re trying to enjoy the simple purity of laughing at some masturbatory wingnut performance art, when WHOOPSIE, one of ‘em did a terrorism again! It’s exhausting.
(Links n’ shit, you know the drill: https://showercapblog.com/he-thought-he-could-steal-nuclear-secretsand-keep-themat-his-house/)
As you are no doubt aware, the single greatest act of tyranny ever committed against the American people occurred earlier this week, when the FBI trundled down to Marm-a-Lago to reclaim some of the shit Tangerine Idi Amin stole.
Yeah, I guess Donald Trump’s criminality is the great civil rights cause of our time. And while it’s certainly interesting that you freaks are so ready to kill and die for a game show host who’s spent years bragging about passing a cognitive test, I just don’t think whether we have a civil war or not should be up to Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Civil war is called for, y’see, because there’s no conceivable way Donald John Trump has ever done anything, in his spotless life of piety n’ service, to merit any law enforcement activity whatsoever, nay, not even one as mild as the execution of a legally-obtained search warrant. Civil. War.
Over Donald Trump. Who steals for the pleasure of stealing. Steals from charity. Revealed classified intelligence to the Russians in the Oval Office. Has been credibly accused of sexual assault by more people than I speak to most months. Who spent two months trying with all his might to overthrow the federal fucking government, culminating in crazed mob attacking Congress in the mind-numbingly moronic belief that disrupting a ceremony would make the entire constitutional order disappear like a fart on the wind.
So many crimes, you can’t keep ‘em straight. Shit, you’ve already forgotten about the article where we learned he wanted “his” generals to behave like Hitler’s, and that wasn’t even a week ago.
In a different case, the doddering old fop pleaded the Fifth like he didn’t know any other words in the English language. (No, not the case where his company’s accused of tax evasion, a different different one.)
And, as we’ve seen so often, he’s way too dumb to cover his tracks. It’s like he’s some sort of idiot bug monster that molts evidence. No possible way this dude earned this warrant, nah, it HAS to be tyranny. Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus, it’s like saying horse dewormer cures COVID-19, it’s - ohhhhhhhhhh now I see it.
I guess when you start at “Donald Trump cares about me, and if I vote for him, he’ll work on my behalf,” it’s a fairly short trip to hydroxychloroquine enemas and armed insurrection; the first absurdity on the road to atrocity.
And I certainly understand blind fealty to a celebrity that doesn’t have the first fucking clue you even exist. Why, when that Winona Ryder shoplifting thing happened, I declared myself a sovereign citizen and spent eleven months developing an elaborate plot to kidnap the Department of the Interior undersecretary I held responsible, but I carelessly scheduled the op for what turned out to be a federal holiday*, so it kinda fizzled.
Behaving precisely as a man with nothing incriminating in his safe would, the Dotard in Exile swiftly declared those dirty deep state dastards had surely planted evidence to besmirch his good name. And say what you will about Cult45, for all their deficiencies, they hate who they’re told to hate. This week, that’s law enforcement, specifically the FBI, which is…I mean, I’ve seen less ominous behavior.
In the end, there is, objectively, much, much more evidence that Donald Trump has committed a number of fairly ginormous crimes than there is that gay people are “groomers,” or that “critical race theory” is being used in public schools to indoctrinate children, but of course, one of the big perks of living inside a disinformation bubble is that any resistance to the harm you inflict automatically transforms into evidence of the persecution you face, thus justifying further retaliation on your part!
And this endless, lurching cycle of victimhood and aggression is pretty much the Republican Party’s entire GOTV strategy now, which I suppose is why damn near every prominent politician and pundit on the Right spent the week spouting the craziest, Proud-Boy-pokingest lies imaginable, miles beyond the rhetoric that got Steve King kicked off his committees just a few short years ago.
And we’re not talking about pimply randos, live-streaming from their mom’s basement, these are the most powerful elected Republicans in the nation. Rand Paul. Marco Rubio. Steve “David Duke Without the Baggage” Scalise, alleging, with nary a shred of evidence, that somebody in the FBI went “rogue.” Kevin “How Hard Can Herding Nazi Cats Really Be?” McCarthy, vowing retaliation, should he be handed such power to abuse.
It took a matter of mere hours for this organized, concentrated propaganda barrage to drive some addled fuckwit to attack an FBI office in Cincinnati, with an assault rifle and a nail gun, (a MOTHERFUCKING NAIL GUN) fantasies of sparking civil war dancing through his broken brain like sugarplum fairies. Left the saddest, stupidest Well I Done Got Muhself Killed farewell note on Off-Brand Orbán’s pathetic Twitter knockoff. Even the loser hate cult that made a martyr of Ashli Babbitt isn’t gonna be able to do much with this doofus.
Now, after such a smashing success, you might expect the nation’s stochastic terrorists to close up early for some celebratory day drinking at Chili’s, but it turns out, they were just getting warmed up.
Brian Kilmeade, filling in on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, presented the most blatantly, clownishly doctored photograph you’ll ever see, depicting the judge who approved the Mar-a-Lago warrant partying with child trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell. Knowing everything we know about the violence caused by QAnon, he hung that target on that judge’s back. I guess because he didn’t explicitly offer to pay airfare for the first ten callers who expressed willingness to take a weekend off to go axe-murder the poor guy, we’re supposed to believe Kilmeade was just doing normal, journalist-y stuff here.
The judge was already receiving so many anti-Semitic death threats that his synagogue had been forced to cancel events, but there just never seems to be enough right-wing violence to satiate Rupert Murdoch’s bloodlust.
Unwilling to be outfashed, Elise Stefanik approvingly recited the nail gun creep’s manifesto, more or less word for word, a stupefyingly awful decision, made for abhorrent reasons, though coincidentally the very same ones that earned her Liz Cheney’s old job, and the platform she now desecrates daily, in the first place.
Also, suddenly last week’s BACK THE BLUE-shriekers today demand we DEFUND THE PO-PO, and while there’s likely no bipartisan common ground to be found there, the meetings sure would be interesting.
Anyway. Merrick Garland, forced into a game of political chess with a reckless manchild who thinks all the pieces are butt plugs, took a moment out of his day to effortlessly outmaneuver his forever overmatched foe, offering to release the warrant Wee Donnie One Term and his stooges were having such fun lying about.
And then, just as we’re all buckling under the weight of this fathomlessly batshit moment in history, they tell us the seized documents contain nuclear secrets, classified at the highest possible level. Documents they’ve made previous attempts to recover, and which were waiting for them, exactly where they knew they’d be, as their warrant, obtained with meticulous caution, confirms.
How did they procure such a wondrous, prescient warrant, you ask? Well, at least partially with witness testimony. Turns out there’s a MOLE in Shartopia’s highest halls, which has apparently introduced an element of paranoia into what I’m sure is an otherwise serene work environment.
Anyway, we got to see the warrant, and they’re investigating the 45th President of the United States of America for violating the Espionage Act, which feels like big news. It’s like a Tom Clancy novel, if they made him write it with somebody bludgeoning him in the forehead with a monkey wrench the entire time.
Still, even I have to admit it was pretty sketchy of the FBI to pull this shit while Hunter Biden roams free, committing every crime known to man simultaneously. The Hunter Biden hearings are gonna be so, so stupid, you guys. Howler monkeys flinging poo at the walls. Live on C-SPAN. For TWO YEARS.
Oh, also, Assclown Autogolpe apparatchik Scott Perry got his phone seized by the FBI, probably over that criminal conspiracy to end American democracy forever, but I’m not ruling out kiddie porn just yet. Alas, young Scottward made the rookie mistake of committing high crimes and/or misdemeanors without first procuring the services of a substantial, reliable lynch mob, so he’s havin’ some trouble generating attention for his lil’ plight. Poor guy.
The Mar-a-Lago raid made things tough for propagandists all over; in Putin’s troll farms, they don’t know whether to shit or go blind, though perhaps they’re just overworked from futile attempts to spin Russia’s biggest loss of military aircraft since WWII. That’s one mighty empire you’ve got there, Vlad. Everybody’s super impressed.
Some personal news: I’ve accepted a post as one of Joe Biden’s 87,000 new IRS stormtroopers. I start Tuesday. Can’t wait. Gonna go all Jade Helm on these weirdos. No more writing off livestock medication, ya filthy takers!
Anyway, it’s been kind of a one-story week, but let me try to hit a few random things before I collapse into a gibbering mess.
Turns out the GOP’s candidate for Michigan attorney general illegally breached voting equipment, in search of bamboo fibers or Mike Lindell’s pubes, or…who knows? Who cares? I assume even the water commissioner are dogcatcher nominees are fascists now.
Boy, government doesn’t get much smaller than the state scrolling through a mother’s private messages with her daughter in order to prosecute both for exercising the basic human right to bodily autonomy. Sometimes, there’s The Handmaid’s Tale so quickly.
Also, apparently Alex Jones sent Roger Stone nekkid pictures of his wife. I acknowledge this is not particularly newsworthy, but I saw it, so you have to, too.
I guess we could check in on the Democrats…anybody stealing state secrets over there? Riling up extremists armed with power tools? No? Oh, they passed the, whaddyacallit, the, the biggest climate bill ever? The one with all the massive drug cost savings? That was a thing. (The GOP’s one successful, spiteful swipe at the legislation kept the cost of insulin high for as many diabetic Americans as possible, and they sure are proud of themselves for that.)
Anyway, next person who says “may you live in interesting times” gets tased. I got a really nice taser on Prime Day, and I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.
*I never remember fucking Presidents’ Day. Never.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Thx for the laughs, Ferret! 
I hope you & Mrs. are well!
always cracks me up!
Thanks for the laughs 
