Not everyone is sad to be missing the holidays with family this year

[Demovictory9]

https://www.cnn.com/2020/12/09/health/break-family-holiday-tradition-pandemic-wellness/index.html

In pre-pandemic times, Sarah Sheehan always headed to North Carolina for a hectic holiday schedule that included hopping between the homes of several different relatives, a Christmas Eve midnight church service and caroling around the rural county where her extended family lives.

"On Christmas morning, my grandparents, mom and I get together at my mom's sister's house with my uncle and cousins," said Sheehan, 27, a content strategist and consultant in Virginia. "We always have biscuits and sausage gravy, quiche and cinnamon rolls with hot coffee or tea and eat breakfast together while opening presents."

This year, however — with Covid-19 both raging and a handy excuse to bow out of the festivities, Sheehan said — she plans instead to be "curled up with my dog (at home), watching zombie shows while drinking wine and smoking a blunt."

Sheehan looks forward to taking a break from her family's busy holiday celebrations as well as not having to appear as "religious, conservative, or docile as I have to pretend to be when I'm home," she said. "As much as I care for my family, we are incredibly different people. I love being with them in short doses, but a week or more at a time during Christmas is too much."
'Tis the season for avoidance

If you're looking forward to pulling the pandemic card for a hall pass on the holidays with family this year, too, you're not alone.
"Holidays can be a time of joy, but they can also be a time for obligation, so they don't always feel so good," said psychologist Wendy Rice of Rice Psychology Group, a general psychology practice in Tampa, Florida. "It's not easy to get out of things because this is what your family does. It can be hard to break with tradition."

[madaboutharry]

1. I must say what I thought reading this article.

Last edited Wed Dec 9, 2020, 09:09 AM - Edit history (1)

Ms. Sheehan comes off as very selfish and self-centered. How lucky she is to have the big loving family she describes. Yet, she finds it taxing to be around people for a week who are religious and conservative and see things differently even though they are her loving family. She is relieved she doesn’t have to bother being around them.

This is the problem with the world. We can’t just take the love at face value.

BTW, I agree that no one should be at family gatherings this year because of Covid-19. But that isn't what this article was about.

[Kitchari]

3. She has a right to be

What sounds like an introvert in a very clamorous family

[Turin_C3PO]

12. I can't stand being

around my conservative, religious, extended family either. They’re nice enough but I can’t deal with their ignorance. I feel no guilt for feeling this way.

[Silent3]

14. Just because *you* think this person should appreciate this family experience more...

...doesn't make that person "very selfish and self-centered" because they don't. A person either enjoys experiences like this, or they don't. Appreciation of the thought behind it can only move the needle so much, especially when we're talking about something that goes on for a full week. Obligatory appreciation is close to being an oxymoron.

If the woman is an introvert, then there's nothing that could make such an experience, not even an outpouring of love, anything other than an ordeal.

Why begrudge her a sense of relief for having a damned good excuse to get out of this just once, when she normally grins and bears it?

As for the wording you used, "see things differently", maybe there was a time when I could use such mild words to describe those who are "religious and conservative", but with the abject horror of the Trumpian baggage so often attached to those words these days, it's no longer a mere difference of opinion concerning levels of taxation and degrees of government regulation. I personally can only appreciate the love of well-intended fascist theocrats so much.

[LittleGirl]

19. Oh come on! eom

[obamanut2012]

21. Seriously? You read what she said and came away with THAT?!

JFC.

It is obvious they do NOT love her "at face value." They love whom they force her to pretend to be.

[madaboutharry]

27. She said this:

"As much as I care for my family, we are incredibly different people. I love being with them in short doses, but a week or more at a time during Christmas is too much."

These people do love her and she loves them.

I am sorry that you all feel the way you do. I just can't agree the bitterness expressed here. Having a family that loves you is a gift even when you find them annoying.

I wish each and everyone of you a happy and joyful Christmas.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

28. People wanting to be alone is not selfish. No one has a right to your time, attention or energy.

[Beringia]

38. I think people's children, at least while young have a right to those things

[LizBeth]

33. I agree with Sheehan, but then I was the one shopping/wrapping all presents for all,

family and friends. Put the decorations up and took them down. Did the cleaning for the guests and day and days of cooking without any help.

Glass of wine and a blunt is a good alternative.

Selfish as I am.

[betsuni]

2. From Garrison Keillor's "Leaving Home":

"The exiles were home. It was pretty quiet, though you could hear the gritting of teeth, and there was a moment of poisoned silence at the Clarence Bunsen home that rang like a fire bell. Before the blessing, as they sat around the table and admired the work in front of them, a still life Christmas Dinner by Arlene, before they ate the art, their daughter, Donna, in town from San Diego, said, 'What a wonderful Christmas!' and her husband, Rick, said, 'Well, if Democrats had their way, it'd be the last one.' Silence.

"Arlene said that if Rick had his way, the turkeys would be having us. Clarence bowed his head. ... He prayed a long prayer, as a cease-fire. Arlene smiled at Rick: 'Have some mashed potatoes.' 'Thank you, Mom.' She winced. He is her son-in-law and she doesn't know why. He is not raising her grandchildren right ... he makes fun of Norwegians, he makes fun of women including his own wife, and he says 'agenda' in place of 'plan' or 'idea' -- 'Did you have a different agenda?' he asks. 'Let's get our agenda straight.' 'I sense a hidden agenda here.'

"He piled his plate with Christmas agenda and chomped a big bite of it. He said, 'Mom, this is the best dinner I ever ate, I really mean that.' She smiled her brightest smile, the smile she has used all her life on people she'd like to slap silly. She'd like to give him a piece of her mind, but she can't, because he has hostages, her grandchildren. So she kills him with kindness. She stuffs him like a turkey. ... She's found the crack in his armor, and it's his mouth. His Achilles mouth. Her agenda is stuffing him so he becomes weak and pliable and goes into a caloric coma, and she takes the little boy and the girl for walks and tells them about our great presidents, our great Democratic presidents. And did you know they were all Norwegian? Yes, they were, a little bit, on their mother's side, and that little bit was enough to make them great."

[abqtommy]

16. Thanks so much for this.

[betsuni]

35. You've very welcome!

[Hekate]

37. "... the smile she has used all her life on people she'd like to slap silly" --I like Arlene Bunsen

She smiled her brightest smile, the smile she has used all her life on people she'd like to slap silly. She'd like to give him a piece of her mind, but she can't, because he has hostages, her grandchildren.

Thanks for this, betsuni.

[betsuni]

41. You're welcome.

Garrison Keillor has lots of great Christmas stories.

[Kitchari]

4. I don't have exactly this kind of family

But the few dominant holiday types among my in- laws make me want to run away, although I usually grin and bear it. This year I preemptively announced that my husband and I will be isolating for the holidays, and it's definitely a relief, in addition to being the correct health protocol

[Thyla]

5. Can totally relate to this

Nothing like a quiet, peaceful Christmas at home where pants are entirely optional.

[pecosbob]

6. Yeah, I kinda miss 'em...I just don't wanna kiss 'em...no!

[LuvNewcastle]

7. It's just going to be my parents and me this year.

I don't know if they'll want to get together on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. I was in the hospital for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year and for Thanksgiving this year as well, so I'm really looking forward to being with my family on Christmas.

I can understand how some people are overwhelmed by the Holidays, though. Sometimes you have people in your family who try their best to make your family time as miserable as possible. It's good to air your grievances to other members of the family and tell them how you feel. Sometimes other members of the family feel the same way, and the offending person can be isolated and neutralized. It worked for me and my family. Don't let an asshole ruin your family gatherings. If other members of the family won't stick up for you, maybe it's time for you to avoid those situations altogether and find more enjoyable activities for the Holidays.

[Klaralven]

8. The problem is the talking and the doing

If people could just get together and be quiet, they'd be happier.

[samnsara]

9. we usually have Tday from wed night thru Sunday when all the relatives drive from seattle

...with all their dogs, in one car and crash on my floor. Lots of music and games as its a musical youngish group ( up until her death at 104 my MIL joined us as well), drinking around the fire pit ( even she would tip a beer).Hubby would be brining and cooking all weekend. This year just he and I ate a bag of pork rinds and grilled a small chicken the next day.

It was nice!

[peacebuzzard]

10. well I had to google "smoking a blunt"

I suspected more/less what would turn up.
I have dated myself& and live in a protected world, but it was educational, nonetheless.

Not something I would do, necessarily; especially with the ongoing pandemic. I optimally always give preference to max lung functions.

[snowybirdie]

11. This article is very tone deaf

and enrages those of us who haven't seen loved ones in a year and who have missed important milestones of our families. Screw her. Wait til her family starts to die out and ask her then.

[JI7]

13. I didn't read the whole article but I don't see how it's cruel . There are some people who just

prefer to spend more time by themselves . That doesn't mean they don't feel anything for others .

[obamanut2012]

22. It isn't cruel -- THEY are cruel to HER

My fiance finally went full no contact with her mother this summer. This woman has been cruel to her for over three decades, and holidays were a literal torture for her that generated extra therapy sessions before and after. I personally cannot wait until her mother dies, and neither can she. She will be freed.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

29. Why are you "enraged"?

She isn't the one keeping you from your family.

[Bettie]

31. Do you have to pretend to be someone other than who you are

when you are with your family?

It is exhausting to keep your mouth clamped shut while they spew right wing talking points for days on end, knowing that you'll be the one who is "ruining the holiday" if you say a single word against the orange man.

Her experience is obviously not yours.

I'm not upset that we can't travel all over this year. I'll be happy to be home with my husband and sons (and all the pets).

[redstatebluegirl]

34. Unfortunately not everyone has the Waltons waiting for them at the end of the trip.

I had more than a few students who hated going home for the holidays. They told horror stories of drunken relatives, fighting over dinner, people storming out angry at one thing or another. I told them that not everyone has the family dynamics they show on facebook and instagram. More people have the Adams family than the Waltons.

My family is a mixture of good and bad, but not going home to my husband's family does NOT bother me in the least. It takes me a long time to come down from one of those visits. When my husband goes home he always buys some alcohol to keep in the car or the hotel room (we never stay with the family).

I don't think the article is tone deaf at all.

[patricia92243]

17. I would love to take her place with her family. She has no idea how

lucky she is to have them.

[obamanut2012]

23. No she isn't -- they are cruel to her

How are people "lucky" to have folks who demand they hide their true self if they want love? How are people, like my fiance, who grew up in abusive households where that abuse continues well into adulthood "lucky to have them"? YOU are the type of person who would tell my fiance, who finally went full no contact with her mother, she will regret cutting her abuser out of her life.

[snowybirdie]

32. Thank you

I said the same thing and many here can't understand what the loss of those you love can mean. As the old song said, "ya don't know what you got til it's gone".

[LittleGirl]

18. I don't think she sounds entitled at all

I haven’t spent holidays with my family in over a decade and I prefer it that way.
Someone would get drunk and stupid and I don’t miss the toxicity At All!

Everyone, every adult, should not feel Obligated to spend their precious time off with people, even family, if they don’t want to. I would have loved to have grown up with a loving family!

Anybody here saying she’s selfish has lived a charmed life.

[MaryMagdaline]

20. I totally identify - I love to stay home alone

I hate traveling for holidays

[obamanut2012]

24. Some folks in this thread have been very, very lucky with how their families treat them

Many people are forced to go home and spend time with abusers, or hide their true selves like the woman in the OP. Quit saying she and others are entitled, or cruel, or whatever. No, they are not.

I am lucky that my family is "normal" and not dysfunctional. My fiance was raised by an abusive narc (think Trump -- she acts exactly like him), and even a nasty text from her mother could cause extreme anxiety and fear, and she is in her 30s.

[moreland01]

25. Left at 17

And haven't spent a holiday with family since. When there is a history of physical and mental abuse, some of us choose to move on and not subject ourselves once we're adults and get to make those choices.

I'm envious of those with loving families.

[mtnsnake]

26. What the article said and then some

We sorely miss not being able to get together with MOST of our friends and MOST of our family like we used to. BUT, if there was anything positive at all to come out of this pandemic, it's that my wife and I haven't been plagued with the usual surprise visits 5 or 6 times a year from a certain pair of our conservative/evangelical trump-voting relatives and their 2 spoiled brat teenage kids. "Hey we're in town for a couple days, so let's make plans for dinner tonight and then go to your place afterwards to watch Survivor."

The author of that article has every right to find peace and solitude away from her annual hectic holiday gatherings if that's the way she feels. Holiday gatherings shouldn't have to be for everyone.

[cate94]

30. In my late teens and early 20's I felt like Ms. Sheehan.

I grew up. The truth is we are each responsible for our own holiday experiences. She doesn’t have to participate in every family activity. The only person responsible for her pretense of being “religious, conservative or docile”, is Sheehan. Grow up. Be who you are. Celebrate that you have family and let them know you. Face that fear of rejection and let them love you for who you are. Worst thing that could happen is spending more holidays alone with your wine and your blunt.

[mtnsnake]

36. IMO, the key phrase Ms Sheehan said is "but a week or more at a time during Christmas is too much."

A day or two, not so bad, but a week? I can certainly sympathize with Ms Sheehan. Heck, there are lots of folks who have family members living afar who they dearly love and who have the SAME political preferences as they do, and they STILL think a "week or more at a time" is way too long to be stuck together. Politics aside, some family members or relatives can drive you nuts after an hour together, let alone a week or more.

[Iggo]

39. People are learning my secret.

😂😂😂

[Raine]

40. I will miss getting to see my cousins

the family has gotten smaller and smaller and only us cousins are left. On tne the other hand it's lots of bother for one evening so that's somewhat of a relief 🤔 but still I'd rather see them then not. 😥