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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 179)

December 6, 2004
Bush Goes North Edition

Unfortunately for all concerned, Bush was allowed into Canada last week, and promptly made an ass of himself (1). But there is some good news for George - after 70 years, it's finally okay to use confessions obtained from torture in a court of law (2). Phew. Meanwhile, Bush's new "moral majority" are on a crusade to ban books (5), Jesus is now only allowed on TV if he kicks ass - none of this wishy-washy "compassion" crap (7), and Ken Starr (8) has finally realized that he's a moron. And there's plenty more where that came from - enjoy!

1Oh, Canada
George W. Bush showed up in Canada last week - not in a single-handed attempt to prevent Americans from fleeing there, lured by the promise of free healthcare, cheap prescription drugs, and legal marijuana - but to make nice with our northern cousins. And, well, to issue a few demands.

First Bush embarrassed Prime Minister Paul Martin when, according to the Associated Press, he "deviated sharply from the formal agenda ... by baldly requesting Canadian participation in a continental missile defence program." Way to go! That should win Martin's support. "We cannot defend our country and save our homes and families by waiting for the enemy to attack us," said Bush. "To remain on the defensive is the surest way to bring the war to Canada."

So let me get this straight... we need Canada to build a missile defense system because being on the defensive is the surest way to bring war to Canada. Did I get that right?

Bush also used his speech to "thank Atlantic Canadians for helping thousands of American air travellers who were stranded after the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001." So, only three years late there.

But despite his poor diplomatic performance, Bush really hit it off with thousands upon thousands of Canadian citizens who took to the streets to welcome him, carrying signs reading, "U.S. Out Of Iraq," and "Go Home Mother Fucker."

I'm pretty sure that in Canada, that means you really like someone.

2Fun With Torture
Moral Values Watch: So now that Our Great Leader is back in the White House, what's new? Well, after a 70-year absence, torture is back on the menu. According to the Associated Press, "Statements produced under torture have been inadmissible in U.S. courts for about 70 years." But bringing new meaning to the phrase, "stick a fork in me, I'm done," the Bush administration has now determined that, "U.S. military panels reviewing the detention of 550 foreigners as enemy combatants at the U.S. naval base in Cuba are allowed to use such evidence."

Here's the thing though - torture is still technically illegal (I say "technically" due to the lack of charges brought against those giving the orders at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo); but evidence obtained from torture is legal. So as long as nobody actually catches you putting that brown guy's nuts in a vice, you can present his confession to the Oklahoma City bombing, the sinking of the Titanic, and the assassination of Abraham Lincoln in a court of law. America: Land of the Freeeeeeeeoooowwww my nipples!

3Fun With Torture, Part Two
Moral Values Watch: While we're on the subject of torture, well, you'll never believe this - but apparently our generals in Iraq were told ages ago that "members of an elite military and CIA task force" were abusing detainees. Who would have guessed?

According to the Washington Post, "A confidential report to Army generals in Iraq in December 2003 ... concluded that some U.S. arrest and detention practices at the time could 'technically' be illegal." Ah, there's our old friend "technically" again. The report contains descriptions of a variety of Geneva Convention violations, including beating prisoners to death and keeping "ghost detainees" - that is, hiding prisoners from international humanitarian organizations. Incidentally, this report was delivered more than a month before the photos of torture at Abu Ghraib prison were received by Army investigators.

Oh yeah, and according to the Post, the report also says that "coalition fighters could be feeding the Iraqi insurgency by 'making gratuitous enemies' as they conducted sweeps netting hundreds of detainees who probably did not belong in prison and holding them for months at a time." Jeez, can't the Iraqis just chill out and enjoy their freedom and democracy already?

4Hearts and Minds
The UK's Sunday Herald reported last week that "The Pentagon has admitted that the war on terror and the invasion and occupation of Iraq have increased support for al-Qaeda, made ordinary Muslims hate the US and caused a global backlash against America because of the 'self-serving hypocrisy' of George W Bush’s administration over the Middle East."

Want more? "Referring to the repeated mantra from the White House that those who oppose the US in the Middle East 'hate our freedoms,' the report says: 'Muslims do not 'hate our freedoms', but rather, they hate our policies. The overwhelming majority voice their objections to what they see as one-sided support in favour of Israel and against Palestinian rights, and the long-standing, even increasing support, for what Muslims collectively see as tyrannies, most notably Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Pakistan and the Gulf states.'"

Should I continue? "'Muslims see Americans as strangely narcissistic,' the report goes on, adding that to the Arab world the war is 'no more than an extension of American domestic politics'. The US has zero credibility among Muslims which means that 'whatever Americans do and say only serves ... the enemy'. The report says that the US is now engaged in a 'global and generational struggle of ideas' which it is rapidly losing."

Still not enough for ya? "There is no yearning-to-be-liberated-by-the-US groundswell among Muslim societies ... The perception of intimate US support of tyrannies in the Muslim world is perhaps the critical vulnerability in American strategy. It strongly undercuts our message, while strongly promoting that of the enemy."

Hey, these aren't my words - this report came from the Pentagon. I'm just sayin'...

5Dig Your Own Hole
Moral Values Watch: The far-right fringe is on the march! Flushed with success after being told repeatedly by the media that they were responsible for George W. Bush's recent election victory, the "moral majority" is already starting to over-reach.

Take Alabama's Rep. Gerald Allen, (R-Cottondale), for example. First he tried to ban gay marriage - but that wasn't enough. Now he's filed a bill to ban public libraries from stocking novels featuring gay characters. "Our culture, how we know it today, is under attack from every angle," he said last week during a press conference to promote his bill - and obviously banning books is the answer. You know, that kinda rings a bell...

Anyway, the good news is that Rep. Allen doesn't actually want to burn the books. When asked what he planned to do with them, he said, "I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them." Good thinking, Gerald - that ought to put an end to the sin of homosexuality once and for all!

6Abstaining From Reality
"I have no objection talking about abstinence as a surefire way to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases," Democratic congressman Henry Waxman said last week, but, "I don't think we ought to lie to our children about science."

Perish the thought. Waxman was discussing a congressional staff analysis of federally funded abstinence-only programs which, according to the Washington Post, discovered that some abstinence-only programs have been teaching children that, among other things, "A 43-day-old fetus is a 'thinking person,'" "HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears," "Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse," and that, "women who have an abortion 'are more prone to suicide' and that as many as 10 percent of them become sterile." Wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong, even though some alleged medical doctors - yes Sen. Bill Frist, we're looking at you - appear to want to push the same lies (video from crooksandliars.com, skip to 10:35).

Joe. S. McIlhaney Jr., the guy whose organization came up with most of this crap, said last week that he was "saddened" that Waxman chose to "blast" well-intentioned abstinence educators. Oh, those poor well-intentioned abstinence educators. Don't people realize that children need to be lied to about sex?

7No Jesus For You
Hey, remember that guy Jesus? I know his teachings have gotten a bit lost lately, what with all the war and torture and bombings and reverends saying things like "blow them all away in the name of the Lord." But have no fear - Jesus is back!

Don't expect to see him on a broadcast station near you, though. Last week CBS, UPN, and NBC announced that they would not be airing a commercial by the United Church of Christ because it is "too controversial" and "unacceptable for broadcast." What blasphemies does this commercial contain?

Well, it features a church with mean-looking bouncers outside turning away gay, minority, and disabled parishioners, and concludes with the message "Jesus didn't turn people away. Neither do we." Hey, wait a minute - that actually sounds like real Christianity!

But I guess the whole "love thy neighbor" thing is a bit passé these days, what with the triumph of George W. Bush's gay-hating "moral majority." Kudos to CBS, UPN and NBC for preventing a church from promoting the old-fashioned Christian tenet of inclusiveness. We won't be needing any of THAT in George W. Bush's America, thank you very much.

8Catch A Falling Starr
A mere six years too late, Kenneth Starr has revealed that he believes he should not have been in charge of the Monica Lewinksky investigation. "There was a sense on the part of the country that my (Lewinsky) effort was an effort somehow to expand the (Whitewater) investigation, when it was separate," he said last week.

Starr said that, "the most fundamental thing that could have been done differently" was for someone else to have sniffed through Lewinsky's underwear drawer... uh, I mean, investigated the allegations that Clinton lied about his affair with Lewinsky under oath. And as we all know by now, lying about an affair under oath is a lot more serious, than, say, lying the country into an illegal war with a country that didn't have weapons of mass destruction after all.

Anyway, Starr then wound up his press conference, saying, "If you'll excuse me, I have to go masturbate myself unconscious."

9 Billboard Baggings
One of the hallmarks of a good totalitarian leader is the tendency to jump into a military uniform at the drop of a hat (although stuffing socks in your crotch while doing it is an innovation apparently dreamed up by George W. Bush). Another is to make sure there are plenty of very big pictures of yourself all over the place. Fortunately for Our Great Leader he doesn't have to do this himself, because he's got one of the biggest media companies in the country to do it for him.

Clear Channel - home to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity - owns over 1,200 radio stations and 57 television stations in America. They also own a lot of billboards. Want to know what they do with their billboards when nobody's paying to use them?

The picture was taken off I-4 north of downtown Orlando by DUer davhill. The text at the bottom reads, "Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. A political public service message brought to you by Clear Channel." Did you know that one of the largest media companies in the country was in the business of bringing you "political public service messages?" Me either.

Truth be told we originally thought that this picture was fake, but we had to eat crow when Clear Channel released a statement which read in part, "Clear Channel Outdoor markets are operated locally. Local managers determine what copy to use when a location has time that is not sold to an advertiser." That statement was made after Clear Channel denied the billboard existed, of course.

Florida's not the only state to suffer Clear Channel's "political public service messages" by the way - check out this one from Arizona:

Curse you, liberal media!

10Flying Low
And finally, while we're on the subject of "pictures that are so ridiculous they must be Photoshopped, except they aren't," check this out...

Don't believe it? Sorry gang, it's real (that's an Associated Press URL, small version here). See you next week!

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