The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
December 6, 2004
Bush Goes North Edition
Unfortunately for all concerned, Bush was allowed into Canada
last week, and promptly made an ass of himself (1). But there is
some good news for George - after 70 years, it's finally
okay to use confessions obtained from torture in a court of law
(2). Phew. Meanwhile, Bush's new "moral majority" are
on a crusade to ban books (5), Jesus is now only allowed on TV if
he kicks ass - none of this wishy-washy "compassion" crap
(7), and Ken Starr (8) has finally realized that he's a moron. And
there's plenty more where that came from - enjoy!
George W. Bush showed up in Canada last week - not in a single-handed
attempt to prevent Americans from fleeing there, lured by the promise
of free healthcare, cheap prescription drugs, and legal marijuana
- but to make nice with our northern cousins. And, well, to issue
a few demands.
First Bush embarrassed Prime Minister Paul Martin when, according
to the Associated Press, he "deviated sharply from the
formal agenda ... by baldly requesting Canadian participation in
a continental missile defence program." Way to go! That should
win Martin's support. "We cannot defend our country and save
our homes and families by waiting for the enemy to attack us,"
said Bush. "To remain on the defensive is the surest way to
bring the war to Canada."
So let me get this straight... we need Canada to build a missile
defense system because being on the defensive is the surest way
to bring war to Canada. Did I get that right?
Bush also used his speech to "thank Atlantic Canadians for
helping thousands of American air travellers who were stranded after
the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001." So, only three years
But despite his poor diplomatic performance, Bush really hit
it off with thousands upon thousands of Canadian citizens who
took to the streets to welcome him, carrying signs reading, "U.S.
Out Of Iraq," and "Go Home Mother Fucker."
I'm pretty sure that in Canada, that means you really like someone.
Moral Values Watch: So
now that Our Great Leader is back in the White House, what's new?
Well, after a 70-year absence, torture is back on the menu. According
to the Associated Press, "Statements produced under torture
have been inadmissible in U.S. courts for about 70 years."
But bringing new meaning to the phrase, "stick a fork in me,
I'm done," the Bush administration has now determined that,
"U.S. military panels reviewing the detention of 550 foreigners
as enemy combatants at the U.S. naval base in Cuba are allowed to
use such evidence."
Here's the thing though - torture is still technically illegal
(I say "technically" due to the lack of charges brought
against those giving the orders at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo); but
evidence obtained from torture is legal. So as long as nobody
actually catches you putting that brown guy's nuts in a vice, you
can present his confession to the Oklahoma City bombing, the sinking
of the Titanic, and the assassination of Abraham Lincoln in a court
of law. America: Land of the Freeeeeeeeoooowwww my nipples!
With Torture, Part Two
Moral Values Watch: While
we're on the subject of torture, well, you'll never believe
this - but apparently our generals in Iraq were told ages
ago that "members of an elite military and CIA task force"
were abusing detainees. Who would have guessed?
to the Washington Post, "A confidential report to
Army generals in Iraq in December 2003 ... concluded that some U.S.
arrest and detention practices at the time could 'technically' be
illegal." Ah, there's our old friend "technically"
again. The report contains descriptions of a variety of Geneva Convention
violations, including beating prisoners to death and keeping "ghost
detainees" - that is, hiding prisoners from international humanitarian
organizations. Incidentally, this report was delivered more than
a month before the photos of torture at Abu Ghraib prison were received
by Army investigators.
Oh yeah, and according to the Post, the report also says
that "coalition fighters could be feeding the Iraqi insurgency
by 'making gratuitous enemies' as they conducted sweeps netting
hundreds of detainees who probably did not belong in prison and
holding them for months at a time." Jeez, can't the Iraqis
just chill out and enjoy their freedom and democracy already?
The UK's Sunday Herald reported
last week that "The Pentagon has admitted that the war on terror
and the invasion and occupation of Iraq have increased support for
al-Qaeda, made ordinary Muslims hate the US and caused a global
backlash against America because of the 'self-serving hypocrisy'
of George W Bushs administration over the Middle East."
Want more? "Referring to the repeated mantra from the White
House that those who oppose the US in the Middle East 'hate our
freedoms,' the report says: 'Muslims do not 'hate our freedoms',
but rather, they hate our policies. The overwhelming majority voice
their objections to what they see as one-sided support in favour
of Israel and against Palestinian rights, and the long-standing,
even increasing support, for what Muslims collectively see as tyrannies,
most notably Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Pakistan and the Gulf
Should I continue? "'Muslims see Americans as strangely narcissistic,'
the report goes on, adding that to the Arab world the war is 'no
more than an extension of American domestic politics'. The US has
zero credibility among Muslims which means that 'whatever Americans
do and say only serves ... the enemy'. The report says that the
US is now engaged in a 'global and generational struggle of ideas'
which it is rapidly losing."
Still not enough for ya? "There is no yearning-to-be-liberated-by-the-US
groundswell among Muslim societies ... The perception of intimate
US support of tyrannies in the Muslim world is perhaps the critical
vulnerability in American strategy. It strongly undercuts our message,
while strongly promoting that of the enemy."
Hey, these aren't my words - this report came from the Pentagon.
I'm just sayin'...
Your Own Hole
Moral Values Watch: The
far-right fringe is on the march! Flushed with success after being
told repeatedly by the media that they were responsible for George
W. Bush's recent election victory, the "moral majority"
is already starting to over-reach.
Take Alabama's Rep. Gerald Allen, (R-Cottondale), for example.
First he tried to ban gay marriage - but that wasn't enough. Now
he's filed a bill to ban public libraries from stocking novels featuring
gay characters. "Our culture, how we know it today, is under attack
from every angle," he said last week during a press conference to
promote his bill - and obviously banning books is the answer. You
know, that kinda rings a bell...
Anyway, the good news is that Rep. Allen doesn't actually want
to burn the books. When asked what he planned to do with
said, "I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury
them." Good thinking, Gerald - that ought to put an end to the sin
of homosexuality once and for all!
"I have no objection talking about abstinence as a surefire
way to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases,"
Democratic congressman Henry Waxman said last week, but, "I
don't think we ought to lie to our children about science."
Perish the thought. Waxman was discussing a congressional staff
analysis of federally funded abstinence-only programs which, according
to the Washington Post, discovered that some abstinence-only
programs have been teaching children that, among other things, "A
43-day-old fetus is a 'thinking person,'" "HIV, the virus
that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears," "Condoms
fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time
in heterosexual intercourse," and that, "women who have
an abortion 'are more prone to suicide' and that as many as 10 percent
of them become sterile." Wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong, even
though some alleged medical doctors - yes Sen. Bill Frist, we're
looking at you - appear to want to push the same lies (video
skip to 10:35).
Joe. S. McIlhaney Jr., the guy whose organization came up with
most of this crap, said last week that he was "saddened"
that Waxman chose to "blast" well-intentioned abstinence
educators. Oh, those poor well-intentioned abstinence educators.
Don't people realize that children need to be lied to about
Jesus For You
Hey, remember that guy Jesus? I know his teachings have gotten
a bit lost lately, what with all the war and torture and bombings
saying things like "blow them all away in the name of the
Lord." But have no fear - Jesus is back!
Don't expect to see him on a broadcast station near you, though.
Last week CBS, UPN, and NBC announced
that they would not be airing a commercial by the United Church
of Christ because it is "too controversial" and "unacceptable
for broadcast." What blasphemies does this commercial contain?
Well, it features a church with mean-looking bouncers outside turning
away gay, minority, and disabled parishioners, and concludes with
the message "Jesus didn't turn people away. Neither do we."
Hey, wait a minute - that actually sounds like real Christianity!
But I guess the whole "love thy neighbor" thing is a
bit passé these days, what with the triumph of George W.
Bush's gay-hating "moral majority." Kudos to CBS, UPN
and NBC for preventing a church from promoting the old-fashioned
Christian tenet of inclusiveness. We won't be needing any of THAT
in George W. Bush's America, thank you very much.
A Falling Starr
A mere six years too late, Kenneth Starr has revealed
that he believes he should not have been in charge of the Monica
Lewinksky investigation. "There was a sense on the part of the country
that my (Lewinsky) effort was an effort somehow to expand the (Whitewater)
investigation, when it was separate," he said last week.
Starr said that, "the most fundamental thing that could have been
done differently" was for someone else to have sniffed through Lewinsky's
underwear drawer... uh, I mean, investigated the allegations that
Clinton lied about his affair with Lewinsky under oath. And as we
all know by now, lying about an affair under oath is a lot more
serious, than, say, lying the country into an illegal war with
a country that didn't have weapons of mass destruction after all.
Anyway, Starr then wound up his press conference, saying, "If
you'll excuse me, I have to go masturbate myself unconscious."
One of the hallmarks of a good totalitarian leader is the
tendency to jump into a military uniform at the drop of a hat (although
stuffing socks in your crotch while doing it is an innovation apparently
dreamed up by George W. Bush). Another is to make sure there are
plenty of very big pictures of yourself all over the place. Fortunately
for Our Great Leader he doesn't have to do this himself, because
he's got one of the biggest media companies in the country to do
it for him.
Clear Channel - home to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity - owns over
1,200 radio stations and 57 television stations in America. They
also own a lot of billboards. Want to know what they do with their
billboards when nobody's paying to use them?
The picture was taken off I-4 north of downtown Orlando by DUer
davhill. The text at the bottom reads, "Not authorized by any
candidate or candidate's committee. A political public service message
brought to you by Clear Channel." Did you know that
one of the largest media companies in the country was in the business
of bringing you "political public service messages?" Me
Truth be told we originally thought that this picture was fake,
but we had to eat crow when Clear Channel released a statement
which read in part, "Clear Channel Outdoor markets are operated
locally. Local managers determine what copy to use when a location
has time that is not sold to an advertiser." That statement
was made after Clear Channel denied
the billboard existed, of course.
Florida's not the only state to suffer Clear Channel's "political
public service messages" by the way - check out this one from
Curse you, liberal media!
And finally, while we're on the subject of "pictures
that are so ridiculous they must be Photoshopped, except they aren't,"
check this out...
Don't believe it? Sorry gang, it's real
(that's an Associated Press URL, small version here).
See you next week!
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