The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
November 22, 2004
Four More Years Edition
Needless to say, we were kinda expecting to be publishing this edition
of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots under slightly different circumstances.
Instead of taking a triumphant victory lap, we took two weeks off
from writing to lick our wounds and cry in our beers. We apologize
for the unscheduled hiatus. But this week the Top 10 is back, and
we're ready to fight the good fight for another four years. To all
you patriotic Americans who gave your heart and soul to this year's
campaign: We salute you. This week's column is for you.
Yes, he's still the president. No, we didn't vote for him.
Sorry, America, but for the next four years y'all get exactly what
Bush's supporters voted for. So don't come crying to us when the
wheels come off the wagon. Got it?
When the going gets tough, the tough run screaming. Since
Nov. 2nd, a growing number of Bush appointees have decided to call
it quits, presumably in preparation for the End Times which are
apparently just around the corner. To help DUers keep track of the
ins and outs of the recent resignations, here's our official Quittin'
Time Fact Sheet:
John Ashcroft (Justice)
Good News! In four short years,
Ashcroft has solved all of our problems. In a five page resignation
letter, Ashcroft told
George Bush that, "the objective of securing the safety of
Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." So, uh,
that's all sorted out then.
Reason for quitting:
Wants to spend more time with
Rod Paige (Education)
Although Paige hasn't formally resigned
yet, a White House spokesman said,
"The secretary has been looking at leaving, and he's been
in discussion with the White House about the right time to
do so." Chester Finn Jr., a former Education Department leader,
said, "He didn't sound like a man who was in a great hurry
to pack up and clear out."
Reason for quitting:
Either felt he had reached the pinnacle of his career
after publicly calling the National Education Association
a "terrorist organization," or got fired.
Spencer Abraham (Energy)
The Cato Institute's Jerry Taylor
said, "When the administration undertook their national energy
strategy planning operation, it was not directed by Secretary
Abraham, it was directed by Vice President Cheney. That's
a reflection of how seriously the administration takes his
expertise in this area." In an interview after his resignation,
"We got a lot of things that were stuck unstuck and moved
ahead and made some really good progress."
Reason for quitting:
Nothing left to unstick. Made some really good progress.
Colin Powell (State)
Colin Powell wrote
in his resignation letter, "As we have discussed in recent
months, I believe that now that the election is over, the
time has come for me to step down as Secretary of State and
return to private life." We hear that Bush accepted his
resignation, replying, "Now that the election is over,
I couldn't agree with you more."
Reason for quitting:
Health reasons. Sickened by own hypocrisy and loss of
Ann Veneman (Agriculture)
Despite outbreaks of hoof-and-mouth
disease, an increased threat of "agro-terrorism,"
and the director of food policy for the Consumer Federation
of America saying, "We don't think she took all the steps
that were necessary to protect the public," Ann Veneman wrote
in her resignation letter, "We have made great progress
during the past four years, and I feel now is an appropriate
time for me to move on to other opportunities."
Reason for quitting:
Don Evans (Commerce)
Don Evans told
his boss that "while the promise of your second term shines
bright, I have concluded with deep regret that it is time
for me to return home." He added, "The mothership has
concluded that my work here is done, and my fellow Alpha-Centaurians
are in great need of the knowledge I have obtained from your
Reason for quitting:
Bush gave him a noogie after Evans told him not to for like
the two hundredth time.
Porter Goss was confirmed as the new CIA chief back in August.
the time, Goss promised to avoid partisanship, and Senate Intelligence
Committee Chairman Pat Roberts, (R-Kan.), "rejected suggestions
that Goss is too political" for the job.
It is therefore no surprise whatsoever that Goss last week started
moving to purge
the CIA of liberals and replace them with inexperienced Bush
loyalists. A former senior CIA official said, "Goss was given instructions
... to get rid of those soft leakers and liberal Democrats. The
CIA is looked on by the White House as a hotbed of liberals and
people who have been obstructing the president's agenda."
But - bear with me, this is pretty funny - remember when we invaded
Iraq because George W. Bush told us that Saddam Hussein had massive
stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction? (Rack your brains, it
wasn't very long ago). Well, all of that WMD information came from
Bush loyalists within the intelligence services who were determined
to give the president the justifications he needed to go to war,
regardless of the facts. In fact, the White House even set up an
of Special Plans which would second-guess the CIA and give Bush
the information he needed.
So now - and this is the really hilarious part, you'll love this
- now it's turned out that all the information Bush's intelligence
cronies passed on to him was completely and utterly wrong,
Goss is dumping the people who got it right. And the people
who fucked up the pre-war intelligence so very royally? They get
to keep their jobs. In fact, Goss is going to hire more of
So let's see... Condoleezza Rice was the National Security
Adviser on the day of the nation's worst-ever lapse of security.
She publicly announced
that "I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people
would try to use an airplane as a missile, a hijacked airplane as
a missile" despite attending the G-8 conference in Genoa two months
earlier where "U.S. officials were warned that Islamic terrorists
might attempt to crash an airliner into the summit, which prompted
officials to close the airspace over Genoa and station anti-aircraft
guns at the city's airport." She tried to pretend
that a Presidential Daily Briefing entitled "Bin Laden Determined
To Attack Inside United States" wasn't really that important,
after testifying just minutes earlier that the briefing contained
"nothing about the threat of attack in the U.S." She was put
in charge of the Iraqi Stabilization Group, which quietly
disappeared several months later.
And what does her husband... oops,
I mean, President George "Responsibility" Bush do about
all these failures? Why, he makes her Secretary of State of course!
Because what better person to have in charge of the nation's diplomacy
than a career war-hawk who has screwed up at almost every turn in
her current job, and who, according
to the Washington Post, "many experts consider ...
one of the weakest national security advisers in recent history
in terms of managing interagency conflicts." That's right -
she can't handle interagency conflicts, and now she's in charge
of managing world conflicts.
But like I said at the beginning, America - don't blame us Dems.
We didn't vote for this crap.
Quality of My Election
I'd like to take a moment here to answer a question which
has been on everyone's lips since November 2nd. With all the reports
disproportionately affecting minorities, machines
counting backwards, curious
predictions by Republican congressmen, the
possibility of machines being hacked, bizarrely
incorrect exit polls, people
waiting in 3-hour long lines, machines
recording votes for one candidate as votes for another candidate,
provisional ballots, the
media whitewashing the whole thing, and so on and so forth...
who really won the election?
Answer: It doesn't frickin' matter.
It is completely missing
the point to suggest that those
concerned with making sure every vote is counted are nothing
but partisan nutballs. The point is that after the 2000 election
we were assured by the powers that be that they would do everything
they could to correct the multitude of problems which led to a Supreme
Court decision awarding the presidency to George W. Bush. The countless
irregularities on November 2nd would seem to suggest that the
powers that be screwed up.
Should Americans have the right to know that their votes have been
counted? If you've been following the mainstream media's post-election
coverage of voting problems, you'll know the answer to that question
is, "what, are you some kind of Kerry-loving, tinfoil-hat-wearing,
X-Files-watching, conspiracy-threory fruitcake? What the hell is
wrong with you?"
We're supposed to believe that we can successfully export democracy
to Afghanistan and Iraq, yet we can't even trust our own electoral
process. But don't mention it to the mainstream media - they'll
just laugh at you.
It appears that Sen. Rick Santorum is one of those Republicans
who believes that the government should butt out and let everyone
pull themselves up by the bootstraps - except when it comes to rich
In 1997 Santorum bought a small two bedroom house in Penn Hills,
PA. But his family never lived there - they live in an $750,000
house in Leesburg, VA. That didn't stop Santorum taking around $100,000
of Pennsylvania taxpayers' money so his children could attend the
Pennsylvania Cyber Charter School.
When Santorum got caught with his pants down last week, he announced
that he would withdraw his children from the school immediately
and begin home-schooling them. With the money he saved gouging PA's
taxpayers, he should be able to afford a pretty good tutor.
Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake is promising to boost
hydrogen as an alternative fuel source in California - a laudable
goal. Perhaps, though, he could start by practicing what he preaches.
Arnie turned up at a photo-op
last week driving a hydrogen-powered Hummer, which he proceeded
to fill at a special pump in front of a crowd of enthusiastic photographers.
Unfortunately the makers of the Hummer admitted later that it not
been retrofitted but built specially for the occasion and, could
only travel 50 miles before needing to be refueled. And, uh, no
hydrogen actually came out of the pump that Arnold was photographed
using, it was just a prop. Finally, after the press had put their
cameras and notebooks away, the Gropenator left in a regular gasoline-powered
Hummer that gets 15 miles to the gallon. Oh well, at least he looked
good for the cameras.
Rules Are... There Ain't No Rules
In 1993 House Republicans adopted a rule which would force
House leaders indicted by a state grand jury to resign from their
leadership positions, saying, according
to the Washington Post, that "they held themselves
to higher standards" than their Democratic counterparts. Unfortunately
it appears that they were joking.
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is currently under threat of indictment
for "using a political action committee to illegally collect
corporate donations and funnel them to Texas legislative races"
- three of his political associates have already been indicted.
And now - surprise - House Republicans want to change their own
rules. I guess the "rule of law" isn't something they
feel that strongly about after all - I mean, it's useful for making
empty statements and taking political shots at your opponents, but
when it comes to actually applying it to members of your own party,
well, I guess rules were made to be broken.
"You live today with the most corrupt congressional leadership
we have seen in the United States in the 20th century," said
Newt Gingrich in 1992. Twelve years later, and guess what? We live
today with the most corrupt congressional leadership we have seen
in the United States ever. Now that's what I call progress.
I'll Be Barack
"Before heading off to Washington and the U.S. Senate,"
the Associated Press last week, "U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, D-Il.,
gets a hug from Sen. Mattie Hunter, D-Chicago, left."
Um, I hate to break it to you, Associated Press, but that's not
And finally, an exit
poll released after election day apparently showed that "moral
values" was the foremost thought in peoples' minds when they
cast their votes for president. Moral values, with 22 percent, beat
out the economy (20 percent) and terrorism (19 percent). Suddenly
the record deficit has taken a back seat to banning abortion and
it's more important to stop Jerry and Bob from getting married than
it is to capture Osama bin Laden.
What's wrong with this picture? The media were perfectly willing
to discount as "erroneous" exit polls which showed John
Kerry beating George W. Bush by 6 points among women voters in Ohio.
But an exit poll which shows moral values beating economic issues
by two points? That's taken as gospel by the pundits.
There's no denying that fundamentalist Christian conservatives
turned out in record numbers to put George W. Bush back in the White
House, and over the next four years it will surely be interesting
to watch Our Great Leader tie himself into knots trying to placate
his evangelical nutjob base without alienating moderate Republicans.
But will far-right "moral values" - that is, letting
the government sniff around in our bedrooms, step between a woman
and her doctor, and control what we're allowed to watch on our televisions
- trump real American Values of freedom and liberty? If the nutjobs
have their way, they will. Funnily enough, the "war on terror"
that we're currently engaged in is supposed to be spreading freedom
and fighting against fundamentalism. How ironic.
Obviously we'll be keeping an eye on this debate as it unfolds,
but to kick off, let's take a quick look at divorce. Considering
the right-wing's habit of painting liberals as moral delinquents,
you might be interested to know that the state with the lowest divorce
rate in the nation is... Massachusetts. You know, the state George
W. Bush kept using as a whipping-boy for all the nation's liberal
sins during the campaign. And oddly enough, the highest divorce
rates are found in the Bible Belt. According to an AP
study, "the divorce rates in these conservative states
are roughly 50 percent above the national average of 4.2 per thousand
What is it they say about people who live in glass houses?
Notice: I know, I know, the Top Ten
has only just returned - but we'll be swapping conservative turkeys
for real ones and taking a break for Thanksgiving next week. See
you in two weeks time.
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