Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 144)
Unsafe in Any Election Edition
suppose it is a matter of question whether Ralph Nader (1,
2) is actually a conservative, but this week he showed that
he's an idiot. And he's got a plan to provide aid and comfort
to the conservatives. Meanwhile, Arnold (4) is raising cash
hand over fist, while college Republicans in Rhode Island
(5) and Utah (6) are acting like complete fools. College football
coaches, too (7). We've got Mel Gibson's Dad (9) making moronic
statements about the Holocaust. And if you are a fast food
worker, Greg Mankiw (10) is about to give you a big promotion!
Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!
Well, it's official. Ralph Nader is once again working for
the Dark Side. Appearing on NBC News' Meet the Press on Sunday,
that he is once again running for president of the United
States. It seems that Saint Ralph couldn't stand the idea
of sitting this one out, and putting the interests of the
country ahead of his own massive ego. He has once again illustrated
how he is the nation's Number One Bush Enabler. Apparently,
multimillionaire Nader has been too busy counting his savings
from the Bush tax cut to notice or care that the Bush Administration
has damn near ruined our country in less than four years.
After a few perfunctory and lackluster criticisms against
Bush, Nader (as usual) heaped most of his contempt on those
of us who are actually out here trying to defeat the illegitimate,
unelected moron. In a particularly gag-inducing bit of spin,
Nader said that his critics on the left were "against
democracy, against freedom." Funny, that sounds kinda
like what Ashcroft and Bush said about us when we dared to
criticize them these past few years.
Of course, Ralph wasn't content to simply announce that he
was going to once again be the spoiler in the presidential
race. Just for good measure, he had to also resort to outright
lying about Al Gore. When Tim Russert asked him, "Do
you believe that Al Gore would have invaded Iraq?" Nader
responded, "He would have." Never mind that Al Gore
has been an outspoken critic of the Iraq war, since before
the war even started. No, Ralph isn't going to let the
truth get in the way of his outrageous anti-Democrat spin.
But really, what could Nader say? His entire campaign was
and is built upon the contemptible lie that there is no difference
between the two parties. To concede the truth that Al Gore
would have been a much better president than Dubya would take
away his only justification for running in 2000 and 2004.
Which would be tantamount to admitting that he
shares some of the responsibility for the Bush presidency.
Sorry, Ralph. This year, liberals aren't going to fall for
your ridiculous lies. There is just way too much at stake.
60 top U.S. scientists (including 20 Nobel laureates), laid
the smackdown on the Bush administration last week for "manipulating
and censoring science for political purposes." The administration
of "suppressing, distorting or manipulating the work
done by scientists at federal agencies" in a 46-page report.
What kind of suppression, distortion and manipulation? Here's
a small taste - the administration apparently: "Ordered
massive changes to a section on global warming in the U.S.
Environmental Protection Agency's 2003 Report on the Environment.
Eventually, the entire section was dropped... Replaced a Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention fact sheet on proper condom
use with a warning emphasizing condom failure rates... Ignored
advice from top Department of Energy nuclear materials experts
who cautioned that aluminum tubes being imported by Iraq weren't
suitable for use to make nuclear weapons... Established political
litmus tests for scientific advisory boards. In one case,
public health experts were removed from a CDC lead paint advisory
panel and replaced with researchers who had financial ties
to the lead industry... Suppressed a U.S. Department of Agriculture
microbiologist's finding that potentially harmful bacteria
float in the air surrounding large hog farms... Excluded scientists
who've received federal grants from regulatory advisory panels
while permitting the appointment of scientists from regulated
industries." As you can see, when it comes to science,
the Bush administration is much keener on science fiction.
Still, I guess it won't be long now before the Rapture, so
none of this is really that important.
"The people of this state do not trust their government,"
Arnold Schwarzenegger back when he was running for governor
in 2003. "They feel it is corrupted by dirty money, closed
doors and backroom dealings. They see the contributions go
in, the favors go out, and the people are punished with wasteful
spending and high taxes." How ironic, then, that according
to the Los Angeles Times, the groping Austrian
beefcake's fundraising is "outstripping that of former
Gov. Gray Davis." And he's only been in office 100 days!
Here's the scoop: Arnold's future as governor of California
may well rest on two very important ballot initiatives which
will be put before the voters on March 2 - Proposition 57,
which allows the state to borrow $15 billion to cover its
debts, and Proposition 58, a balanced budget amendment. Meanwhile,
Arnold has a special group called the "California Recovery
Team" set up to promote the crap out of these initiatives.
Now, because the California Recovery Team is dedicated to
ballot issues and not personal campaigning (despite the fact
that in this instance the two may well be inextricably intertwined),
individual donations are not capped. All of which means that
Arnold is free to attend a fundraising dinner in New York
this week where donors have been asked for individual contributions
of anything up to half a million dollars. Now, why
do you think someone's going to drop $500,000 on promoting
a ballot initiative which has no organized opposition, but
is important to The Governator? Gee, I have no idea. But I'm
glad that Arnold campaigned so hard against just this sort
of dubious fundraising behavior when he was running for governor.
Republicans - Rhode Island
Despite all the evidence to the contrary, Jason Mattera believes
that white folks have it tougher than everyone else, particularly
when it comes to getting into college. "White kids are
at a handicap," he
says. "Handing out scholarships based on someone's color
is absurd." So Mattera, who is president of the Roger Williams
University College Republicans, decided to do something about
this disgraceful bigotry against downtrodden whites - he's
offered a $50 "scholarship" to the white student
who can write the best essay on the subject of "why you
are proud of your white heritage." The student must also provide
a recent picture to "confirm whiteness," and the application
for the scholarship says, "Evidence of bleaching will disqualify
applicants." My, how clever and not at all offensive.
Mattera himself is of Puerto Rican descent and believes that,
"No matter what my ethnicity is, I'm making a statement that
scholarships should be given out based on merit and need."
Seems reasonable. Oh, except did I mention that Mattera happens
to be the recipient of a $5,000 scholarship which is only
available to minority groups? So I'm sure he'll be standing
on principle and giving that money back immediately. Unless
he's spent it already.
Republicans - Utah
But there's more from the bizzaro world of the College Republicans
this week! That's right - prepping the next generation of
right-wing bigots and future Clear Channel talk show hosts
is a full-time job, and it takes dedication, courage, and
an inherent ability to slander the dead. At a meet-the-candidate
night last week, Mike Clement (representing Republican congressional
candidate Mike Bridgewater) was chatting with the audience
about Norm Coleman's Senate victory in Minnesota, when, according
to the Salt Lake Tribune, an audio tape of the meeting
picked up an unknown "Republican gadfly" saying,
"We had to kill off Wellstone to get it." He was, of course,
referring to Senator Paul Wellstone, who was killed, along
with most of his family, in a plane crash just before the
2002 elections. Nice, real nice. I've got a quick tip actually
for any College Republicans who might be reading this - just
mention in your thesis that Wellstone's plane crash was Bill
Clinton's fault, and you'll graduate summa cum laude.
The University of Colorado's football program was in chaos
last week amidst allegations of "using sex as a recruiting
tool" and six accusations of rape by Colorado football
players. One of the accusers was the only woman to ever play
on the team, Katie Hnida, who was a place-kicker in 1999.
Demonstrating how much he cared about Hnida's plight, and
his feelings towards women in general, Colorado head coach
Gary Barnett said
last week that "Katie was not only a girl, she was terrible."
So, uh, I guess she deserved to be raped by one of her teammates
then. Way to support your players, Mr. Barnett.
Yes, we noted George W. Bush's taxpayer-funded trip to the Daytona
500 last week - but we couldn't pass up another chance to slam
the Chimp for his lame-ass "official visit." Now remember
- this wasn't a campaign event. Bush would have to spend his
own money on that. This was an official visit. According
to the Bradenton Herald, "As Bush strode through
pit row, he received rock-star treatment. An extravaganza unfolded
around him. A man with a rocket strapped to his back sailed
into the speedway, followed by a bald eagle that landed on its
trainer's arm. Fireworks erupted, cheerleaders danced, country
star Leann Rimes sang 'R-O-C-K in the USA.'" Jesus, it
sounds like an episode of The Simpsons. Bush is, of course,
not the first president to attend a NASCAR event. That honor
belongs to Ronald Reagan, who attended the Firecracker 400 in
Daytona back in 1984. Unlike Bush, however, Reagan stayed to
find out who won. That's right - Air Force One was back in the
air about halfway through the race. Gee, kinda makes you wonder
why Bush showed up for this "official visit" in the
first place, doesn't it? Mind you, it's possible that Dubya's
shameless campaign ploy might not play as well with NASCAR dads
as he'd like - as well as spending their tax money on a joyride
to the Daytona 500, Bush watched the race (well, half of it)
from a posh suite, well isolated from the regular fans. And
the following day, the Daytona International Speedway had to
issue an apology
to fans for the long delays many of them faced getting into
the event, because of the massive security precautions which
had to be taken due to Bush's visit. And which we all had to
pay for. Vroom.
By now you've probably heard the allegations that Mel Gibson's
new movie "The Passion of the Christ," is anti-Semitic.
You've probably also heard his lame protestations to the contrary.
Well, it seems as if the apple doesn't fall very far from
the tree. Last week his father, Hutton Gibson, said of the
Holocaust: "It's all - maybe not all fiction - but most of
it is." He also explained how there was a vast conspiracy
of Jewish bankers, the Federal Reserve, and the Vatican to
create "one world religion and one world government." There's
much more here.
I could go on, but the whole thing is just sickening.
And finally, it is said that manufacturing jobs are the backbone
of a healthy economy; they provide our citizens with good
work for solid pay and benefits. Furthermore, in this post-9/11
world, maintaining a healthy manufacturing sector is vital
to national security. So, the Bush Administration has a problem:
They can't seem to create any manufacturing jobs (or any jobs,
for that matter). Fortunately, in his new Economic Report
to the President, N. Gregory Mankiw, the chairman of the president's
Council of Economic Advisers has proposed a clever solution
to the problem, which would create millions of manufacturing
jobs overnight - reclassifying
fast-food workers to count them as manufacturing jobs.
They're manufacturing hamburgers! But why not stop with fast-food
workers? I mean, by this logic we're all kinda in the
manufacturing sector. Musicians are manufacturing music. Authors
are manufacturing writing. Janitors are manufacturing clean
schools and workplaces. I'm not just a webmaster - I'm manufacturing
a website! See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
a Conservative for Next Week's List