Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 143)
Attack Of The Hacks Edition
that we're starting to roll downhill towards the presidential
election in November, the Right-Wing Media Hacks (1,2,3) are
getting the slime machine fully greased up and ready for action.
Of course, they still can't answer legitimate questions about
where George W. Bush (4) was during the Vietnam War. Meanwhile,
Halliburton's (5) reputation (or what's left of it) is rapidly
going down the pan, Antonin Scalia (7) proves that if it walks
like a duck... well, you know, and the Bush Administration
(8) has a bold new job creation plan. Actually it's not a
plan as such - they're just going to pull 2.6 million jobs
out of a magic hat. Finally, Bill O'Reilly (10) gets caught
out, and takes it like a man. I'm joking of course - he tries
to blame somebody else as usual. Don't forget the key!
Media Hacks, Part One
Last week RNC chief Ed Gillespie said
that Democrats are mounting the "dirtiest" presidential
campaign in history. "We highlight policies, and note Senator
Kerry's long Senate record," he mewled. "They accuse the president
of desertion." How ironic then that on the same day Mr.
Gillespie made his statements, Internet rumor-monger Matt
Drudge was smearing
turd all over the front page of his website. "CAMPAIGN
DRAMA ROCKS DEMOCRATS: KERRY FIGHTS OFF MEDIA PROBE OF RECENT
ALLEGED INFIDELITY, RIVALS PREDICT RUIN" screamed the
Drudge Report, although further investigation revealed that
there wasn't actually a media probe, and nobody had actually
predicted John Kerry's ruin (except possibly Wes Clark in
a throwaway off-the-record comment, although Clark is clearly
so concerned about Kerry's "ruin" that he's endorsing
him). The following day, Kerry appeared on Don Imus's show
and laughed off the allegations, saying, "Well, there
is nothing to report, so there is nothing to talk about. I'm
not worried about it. No." Drudge apparently decided that
this was an admission of guilt and emblazoned
his website with the shocking headline "KERRY ON IMUS:
'THERE'S NOTHING TO REPORT, NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT . . . NO.'"
So, uh, I guess that clears that up then. Meanwhile...
Media Hacks, Part Two
...Ann Coulter was out and about disparaging
Vietnam war hero and triple-amputee Max Cleland last week.
Yes, that's the same Max Cleland the GOP defeated in 2002
by running TV ads comparing him to Osama bin Laden (was that
your idea, Mr. Gillespie?). Ann the Man claimed in her recent
column that Cleland lost his limbs in a non-combat mission
"where he was about to drink beer with friends."
She goes on... "He saw a grenade on the ground and picked
it up. He could have done that at Fort Dix... Luckily for
Cleland's political career and current pomposity about Bush,
he happened to do it while in Vietnam." Yes, lucky Max
Cleland! He had three of his limbs blown off! But there's
more... "Cleland wore the uniform, he was in Vietnam,
and he has shown courage by going on to lead a productive
life. But he didn't 'give his limbs for his country,' or leave
them 'on the battlefield.' There was no bravery involved in
dropping a grenade on himself with no enemy troops in sight."
That's odd, Esquire magazine reported
in 1999 that he lost his limbs when a grenade accidentally
went off as he jumped from a helicopter into a combat zone.
And of course, Ann fails to mention that Cleland was awarded
the Silver Star for an incident that happened a mere four
days earlier. His Silver Star citation says,
in part, that despite "heavy enemy rocket and mortar
attack Captain Cleland, disregarded his own safety, exposed
himself to the rocket barrage as he left his covered position
to administer first aid to his wounded comrades. He then assisted
in moving the injured personnel to covered positions... Cleland's
gallant action is in keeping with the highest traditions of
the military service, and reflects great credit upon himself,
his unit and the United States Army." So here's the big question
- will Ed Gillespie denounce these dirty, gutter-press, veteran-bashing,
pant-sniffing Republican campaign tactics? Don't hold your
Media Hacks, Part Three
And while all this is going on, Republicans are desperately
trying to suggest that these sewer-level attacks are the fault
of the left. On Fox News' "From
the Heartland with John Kasich" yesterday, Hugh Hewitt
told Kasich that this was going to be the dirtiest political
campaign ever - and the Democrats are to blame. He was, of
course, referring to the Bush AWOL stories. "I think
if you judge by the White House press corps this past week
on the president's service in the Air National Guard, which
was honorable, about which there was never any doubt that
it was honorable, and about which the Manchurian chairman
Terry McAuliffe invented a complete lie, they went to town
on that for a week so I think it is going to be pretty nasty."
Okay, what? There was never any doubt about Bush's Guard service?
I guess that's why it's all over the newspapers. But while
Kasich gave Hewitt a free pass on this bizarre statement and
then went on to defend Bush's record along with Hewitt, his
other guest, liberal radio host Mike Malloy, was not so lucky.
Kasich was shocked, shocked I tell ya, at a reference on Mike's
to the "Bush Crime Family" (meanwhile, you can check
out Rush Limbaugh's website
for the latest stories on "Il Duce, Mario the Pious,
Warns Dems", "The Mental State of the Democratic
Party - They've Gone Off the Deep End" and "While
McCain In Hanoi Hilton, Kerry Was In Fonda Funhouse...").
You see, Kasich served as a Republican congressman during
Newt Gingrich's reign - a time when gutter politics by the
right became a new art form. When Mike brought up Gingrich's
list - a catalog of words and phrases which GOP congressmen
were instructed to use to smear their opponents - Kasich pretended
to have never heard of it. Then, when Mike talked about the
millions of jobs lost under Bush, the lies about the Medicare
bill, and Bush's tax cuts for the rich, Kasich referred to
his comments as "vitriol." See how that works? Hugh
Hewitt can call Terry McAuliffe "the Manchurian chairman"
but if Mike Malloy tries to bring up Bush's record since coming
into office, it's "vitriol." Finally, after the
fair and balanced Kasich personally attacked Malloy by saying
"that's probably why you're on satellite radio, because
you can't get on regular radio," Malloy understandably
walked out. Kasich went on, "I'm glad we lost the guy
because I tell you something, on this show, we want to have
people come on, we don't want people calling the president
criminals, and we don't want our side, the Republican side,
I happen to be a Republican and I'm pretty fair on this show,
it's fair and balanced, but what I'm going to say is I'm not
going to tolerate Republicans calling John Kerry 'traitor'
or bad names like that." Hewitt replied, "...nor
will you ever hear a responsible Republican do that."
Excuse me, I think my brain just exploded.
Now back to real issues. So where the hell was George
W. Bush when he was supposed to be defending the skies of
Alabama from the Viet Cong? Waaaah! You can't talk about
that! That's dirty politics! Oh yeah? Excuse me, but when
the commander-in-chief starts two wars and then swanks around
on an aircraft carrier dressed up like a real soldier, I'd
like to know just a little bit about his personal history
in the armed forces. As it happens, Bush is a big fan of the
National Guard. (Perhaps that's why he's shipped all those
Guardsmen out to Iraq on year-long deployments.) On Meet the
Press last week Bush said,
"I would be careful to not denigrate the Guard. It's
fine to go after me, which I expect the other side will do.
I wouldn't denigrate service to the Guard, though." Look,
jackass, the only person denigrating the Guard here is you
by not coming clean about how you didn't show up for duty.
Soon after that comment, Tim Russert asked Bush "When
allegations were made about John McCain or Wesley Clark on
their military records, they opened up their entire files.
Would you agree to do that?" Bush made the mistake of
responding, "Yeah." Whoops! This sent White House
staffers scrambling to find anything that could prove Bush
was where he was supposed to be in 1972 and 1973. First came
stubs, which proved that Bush was at least paid for, um,
six days of service in 1972. Although they also showed that
he wasn't credited for any service between May through September
of that year. Then the White House released a one-page record
of a dental
exam which apparently proved that Bush was in Alabama
on January 6, 1973 (so he at least showed up to get his teeth
cleaned then). Finally, on Friday evening - the perfect time
to cover up embarrassing news - the Administration released
400 pages of records, which, according
to the Washington Post, "while offering nothing
further to prove Bush's participation with the Guard in Alabama,
provide a number of extraneous personal details about Bush.
His tonsils were taken out at age 5 and he had appendicitis
at 10. A fatty cyst was removed from his chest in 1960, and
he had a hemorrhoid while in the Guard." Fascinating.
sickest thing about this whole thing - apart from the hemorrhoid
- is that Our Great Leader has previously pumped himself up
as some kind of war hero, while his minions are now taking
pot-shots at real war heroes (just like they did against
John McCain in 2000). Here's Bush talking
about Vietnam in 1988: "They probably should have
called the National Guard up in those days. Maybe we'd have
done better in Vietnam." We, Mr. Bush? We?
It's no surprise that Halliburton are stepping up their PR
campaign (funny how that works, isn't it? They take the taxpayer's
money, do a shitty job, and then use more of the taxpayer's
money to make TV ads telling the taxpayer what a great job
they're doing). Yes, it was revealed
last week that Halliburton officially "wastes taxpayers'
money" according to company whistleblowers. And not just
by making god-awful TV commercials either. According to the
Associated Press, former Halliburton employee Henry Bunting
revealed to a Senate committee that "Top Halliburton
officials frequently told employees that high prices charged
by vendors were not a problem because the U.S. government
would reimburse the costs and then pay the company an additional
fee. Higher than necessary prices were paid for ordinary vehicles,
leased for $7,500 a month, and for furniture and cellular
telephone service. Halliburton tried to keep as many purchase
orders as possible below $2,500 so its buyers could avoid
the requirement to solicit quotes from more than one vendor.
Supervisers provided buyers with a list of preferred Kuwaiti
vendors, including companies that charged excessive prices.
Buyers were not encouraged to identify alternative vendors."
But as if wasting taxpayers' money isn't enough, Halliburton
are also alleged to have been trading with the enemy. It was
last week that "The US Treasury has reopened an investigation
into whether Halliburton, the oil services firm once run by
Vice President Dick Cheney, broke US laws in its dealings
with Iran via a foreign subsidiary." My, my. On a side
note, it was reported
last week by the GAO that "A total of $3 billion in unpaid
taxes is owed by more than 27,000 defense contractors."
Sounds like these poor guys need another tax break! Oh, won't
somebody please think of the multi-national corporations?
W. Bush (again)
Let the battle for the NASCAR dads commence! George W. Bush
showed up at the Daytona 500 last week for a little election
boost, and he did it in style. According
to the New York Times, "On the way in for
landing, the president's jet made a low, fast loop above and
around the track, which attract thousands of camera flashes.
Then his motorcade of a couple dozen vehicles took a loop
around the oval, stopping to let the president and Mrs. Bush
out on pit row." Jesus, first the guy pretends to be
a cowboy, then a fighter pilot, and now he thinks he's a
NASCAR driver. The good news though is that Bush didn't have
to dig into his multi-million dollar campaign fund to create
this shameless vote-grubbing spectacle. You see, according
to the St. Petersburg Times, "While a presidential
visit to an important swing state in an election year has
all the earmarks of a campaign visit, this is being billed
as an official visit, with taxpayers picking up the tab."
That's right, folks - Bush gets to play race cars and mug
for the cameras, and we get to pay for it.
The ongoing tale of Antonin Scalia and Dick Cheney's unethical
duck hunting trip (see Idiots passim) took a bizarre
turn last week when Scalia defended himself against accusations
of cronyism. "This was a government issue," said he. "It's
acceptable practice to socialize with executive branch officials
when there are not personal claims against them. That's all
I'm going to say for now. Quack, quack." Quack quack? Uh, all
I'm going to say for now is it looks like we've either
got a Supreme Court Justice who thinks he's a duck, or a Supreme
Court Justice who thinks that it's funny to go on a buddy-buddy
hunting trip with someone whose case you're about to decide.
Either way, Scalia needs to "duck" this decision.
Quack, quack, my butt.
Good times are here again! The Bush adminstration announced
last week that they would create a staggering 2.6 million
jobs this year - that's 220,000 new jobs a month. Are you
ready for full employment?! They got off to a great start,
creating 112,000 jobs in January. Wait, that's 108,000 off
their projections. Don't worry though - Our Great Leader has
a fabulous plan for creating more jobs in America. We're going
to send more jobs overseas! According
to the Los Angeles Times, the Bush adminstration
reckons that, "The movement of American factory jobs
and white-collar work to other countries is part of a positive
transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time."
O-o-o-kay. You can expect these recent predictions to go down
about as well as the last
lot - in 2003 the administration predicted a gain of 1.7
million new jobs (they lost 439,000), and in 2002 they predicted
they would lose 100,000 jobs (they lost 1.45 million). You
know what I think we need? More tax cuts for the rich.
We noted last week that Our Great Leader was finally appointing
a commission to investigate intelligence failures leading
up to the invasion of Iraq. Well this week he finished, and
you'll be pleased to know that the last
person he picked is a founding member of the Project for
the New American Century. That's right, Henry S. Rowen, an
assistant defense secretary from 1989 to 1991, is also a signatory
of PNAC's Statement of Principles. PNAC, of course, is the
group which persuaded Bush to go into Iraq in the first place
(after conveniently getting their "new
Pearl Harbor" of course). Fox, meet henhouse. We
trust you'll take good care of the place.
And finally: Bill's such a big man - after months of silence
in which he refused to acknowledge his promise to apologize
to America and never trust Bush again if WMDs were not found
in Iraq, he finally broke down on Good Morning America last
week. O'Reilly was cornered
by GMA anchor Charles Gibson who played a tape of Bill's promise,
and that was that. "Well, my analysis was wrong and I'm sorry,"
said he. "I am much more skeptical of the Bush administration
now than I was at the time." Ha ha! Of course, this "apology"
was strictly for the GMA cameras, because O'Reilly was spinning
like a top the very next day on his show. "I go on
'Good Morning America' yesterday and say that I'm personally
sorry my analysis on WMDs before the war was wrong and I'm
angry about the CIA mistake. I mean, any honest commentator
would say that, but the left-wing press sees my admission
as some kind of liberal policy vindication and is using my
words to hammer the president. Well, that's dishonest. I still
believe removing Saddam was the right thing to do and that
history will prove it. And there's also the possibility that
WMDs will be found, so I might have to apologize for my apology.
I don't mind. I still hope they find WMDs. But at this point,
President Bush should retire George Tenet, the CIA chief...
I don't think President Bush lied about WMDs, but he should
be stronger in fixing U.S. intelligence. That's the bottom
line here. My mistake was not being skeptical enough about
the CIA's reporting on WMDs." So I guess when Bill said
he'd never trust Bush again he was just talking out of his
fat ass. See you next week!
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
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