The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 122)
August
18, 2003
Dubya In The Dark Edition
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Poor
George W. Bush (1). You're trying to enjoy your vacation,
raising a bit of money here and there, and then the whole
damn Northeast has to lose power and ruin your day. Still,
don't let it get you down. At least you're not Fox News (2),
who are desperately fighting a losing battle like the big
losers they are. Meanwhile the Pentagon (4) have been toying
with the idea of rewarding our brave troops with a pay cut,
Roy Moore (5) is breaking the law, and Paul Bremer (6) is
winning the hearts and minds of Iraqis. Finally, Jerry Duncan
(8) wants to drop a dirty bomb on liberals, and Jeb Bush (10)
cracks himself up. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key!
George
W. Bush
It's becoming a ritual of sorts: disaster strikes the Northeast,
and George W. Bush is nowhere to be found. Obviously the power
outages which swept several states and parts of Canada last
week were nowhere near as bad as the September 11 terrorist
attacks, but millions of people could probably have used a
bit of support from their "leader" - who was unfortunately
too busy raising money for his 2004 election campaign in San
Diego. When George finally did manage to tear himself away
and get in front of a microphone (hours after he was allegedly
reported as saying that the unprecedented blackout was "just
a domestic problem" that "didn't require White House
input") he told
the assembled reporters, "Of course, we'll have time
to look at it and determine whether or not our grid needs
to be modernized. I happen to think it does, and have said
so all along." Oh really? Then why, back in 2001,
did the Bush White House lobby congressional Republicans to
vote
down three times a Democratic proposal which would
have provided $350 million to improve the nation's power grid
- a proposal which, at the time, Tom DeLay called "pure
demagoguery?" Perhaps it's because Our Great Leader is
so busy groping people like Ken Lay for cash that he doesn't
have much time to care about the real needs of the American
people.
Fox
News
Al Franken's new
book "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair
and Balanced Look at the Right" leaped to the top of
sales charts last week after Fox News aimed a frivolous lawsuit
at the author, claiming that they'd trademarked "Fair
and Balanced" back in 1998. This rather pathetic attempt
at revenge, presumably instigated by Bill O'Reilly - who took
a verbal thrashing from Franken at a book expo earlier this
year (see Idiots 113) - was greeted
with amusement by everyone from Franken
himself to a slew
of Internet bloggers who promptly pasted the words "fair
and balanced" all over their sites. The suit itself is
partially a laughable tirade at Franken and partially a self-aggrandizing
advertisement for Fox News, one moment ranting at Franken
for being "intoxicated or deranged," the next moment
going off on a tangent about the Fox line of neckwear. And
let's not forget such gems
as, "Moreover, since Franken's reputation as a political
commentator is not of the same caliber as the stellar reputations
of FNC's on-air talent, any association between Franken and
Fox News is likely to blur or tarnish Fox News' distinctive
mark." Stellar on-air talent? Perhaps Al Franken should
stick to political commentary and Fox News should go into
the comedy business. And is it just me, but by trying to claim
that the title of Al's book is so confusing that they could
suffer "irreparable harm," aren't Fox News essentially
admitting that their grip on the cable news ratings lead is
solely down to the fact that their viewers are incredibly
stupid? Could be...!
Arnold
Schwarzenegger
The Groping Austrian Beefcake's aides say
that Arnold "takes the right and privilege of voting
very seriously." So seriously, in fact, that he couldn't
quite manage to drag himself off his muscle-bound ass to vote
in five of the last eleven statewide elections. Quite an achievement.
He just missed out on voting for George W. Bush (in the California
primary as well as in the general election) in 2000, and was
a hair's breadth away from voting for Bob Dole (both in the
primary and the general) in 1996, but couldn't quite make
it due to promotional obligations for Jingle All The Way.
Still, despite a lack of issues and positions, a spotty voting
record, and and no experience whatsoever, Arnold can't wait
to "pump up Sacramento." Oh, I almost forgot: Arnold
did manage to find the time to get out and vote for Proposition
187 in 1994 - an initiative which, according
to the Los Angeles Times, "barred public services
to illegal immigrants, passed by a large margin and was thrown
out by the courts. It remains one of the most divisive in
recent state history in part because it reflected a tension
between white voters, who have long dominated politics in
California, and the growing number of Latino voters."
Which is odd, because Arnold has recently been spotted making
attempts to reach out to Hispanics with "frequent reminders
of his own arrival in California as a penniless immigrant."
I guess it's one rule for the rich, another for the poor...
The
Pentagon
Support the troops! Support the troops! Support the troops!
Wave those flags and tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak
tree, because here comes the Pentagon, ready, willing and
able to support the troops just about any way they can. How
about this,
for example: according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution,
"The Pentagon wants to cut the pay of its 148,000 U.S.
troops in Iraq, who are already contending with guerrilla-style
attacks, homesickness and 120-degree-plus heat. Unless Congress
and President Bush take quick action when Congress returns
after Labor Day, the uniformed Americans in Iraq and the 9,000
in Afghanistan will lose a pay increase approved last April
of $75 a month in 'imminent danger pay' and $150 a month in
'family separation allowances.'" Gee, those guys at the
Pentagon sure know how to treat our soldiers, don't they?
Who would have thought that the basic subtext behind all those
pre-invasion pro-war rallies was actually send our boys
to Iraq to die for no reason - and if they survive, give them
a pay cut! You know, I had literally no idea just
how much the gung-ho pro-war folks hate our troops!
Roy
Moore
Agh, he won't go away! Just when I thought we'd seen the last
of Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, he rears
his literally and metaphorically ugly head once again - but
this time Our Roy may have taken one too many steps over the
line. You may recall that the Chief Justice was responsible
for erecting a 5,300 pound granite monument of the Ten Commandments
in the Alabama Judicial Building, which a federal court subsequently
ordered him to remove (see Idiots passim). Well guess
what? Being in charge of dishing out justice doesn't necessarily
mean that you have to follow the law yourself - yup, Roy is
refusing
to remove the monument. According to Mr. Above-The-Law himself,
the "question is not whether I will move the monument. It
is not a question of whether I will disobey or obey a court
order...the real question is whether or not I will deny the
God that created us and endowed us with certain inalienable
rights and among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of
happiness." Um, actually Jack, it's a question of whether
you're going to move the monument or whether Alabama is going
to be fined $5000 a day for your belligerence. "$5000
a day?" I hear you cry. "Why not just go in there
with a forklift and get rid of the thing?" Easier said
than done, friends. See, the House Republicans on-again-off-again
love affair with states' rights is on again - last week, according
to the New York Times, they "attached an amendment
to an appropriations bill that would ban the use of federal
funds to enforce the order to remove the Ten Commandments
monument." So much for the Constitution. What a bunch
of knuckleheads.
Paul
Bremer
Months into the U.S. occupation of Iraq, there are still widespread
blackouts, shortages of fuel and water, and the streets are
not safe. Understandably, the newly "liberated" people of Iraq
are getting pretty impatient that basic needs are still going
unmet (in marked contrast to the speed with which the oil-extraction-and-exportation
infrastructure was brought back on line). With riots and civil
unrest breaking out around the country, U.S. civilian administrator
Paul "Jimmy" Bremer had some soothing
words for the long-suffering people of Iraq: "I think it's
important to ... look beyond the shootouts and blackouts and
remind ourselves of a range of rights that Iraqis enjoy today
because of the coalition's military victory." Like, for example,
the right to dehydrate in the 120+ degree heat, or the right
to have your house searched by foreign troops with little or
no reason, and the ever-popular freedom from employment. Now,
I'm a big fan of freedom, and I hope the Iraqi people are free
someday. But I think Bremer doesn't get the whole idea that
"freedom" doesn't mean much if you can't feed your family. It's
a good thing Paul Bremer isn't the mayor of New York (or Cleveland,
or Detroit, or Erie, or Toronto). I don't know why everyone's
complaining about these silly blackouts. After all, you're free!
The
Iraqi Media Network
And speaking of basic needs going unmet... The Pentagon-backed
propaganda television channel in Iraq has been a ratings flop.
According to the International Herald Tribune, the
Iraqi Media Network is "repetitive
and larded with official propaganda." What an embarrassment.
We should really be doing better than this, considering the
fact that mass-media entertainment is our second-largest export,
just behind our military. (No, not military hardware; our
actual military.) If we really want to win the hearts and
minds of the Iraqi people, we need to enlist the best minds
in Hollywood to develop some new reality TV, like... "Survivor:
Basra," "Temptation Oasis," "Married by Iraq," "Are you Hot?"
"Iraqi Idol," and "Queer Eye for the Kuwait Guy."
Jerry
Duncan
The last time Jerry Duncan made it onto the Top Ten Conservative
Idiots list, he was shocked, shocked I tell you at
a college professor who had endorsed an antiwar resolution
brought before Fresno City council (see Idiots
104). You could almost smell the righteous moral indignation
as Duncan huffed, "The reality is they stepped way out
of line...It was just horribly wrong...This was a narrow political
agenda of a fringe element." But now Jerry Duncan is looking
like a bit of a fringe lunatic himself - it was revealed
last week that Duncan joked (ha ha) about "terrorist
acts against liberals and members of a city commission"
in emails which he wrote while the council was in session.
In one he wrote: "If I had one dirty bomb ... I could eliminate
all the liberals in Fresno at once." Boy, that's some quality
humor - well, he thought so anyway. Members of the Human Relations
Commission were less amused and took their complaints to the
local police, who forwarded the emails to the FBI. Here's
an idea - perhaps Jerry Duncan should take his righteous moral
indignation and shove it in his dirty bomb chute.
Pam
Roach
Pam Roach is a state senator from Washington. Why is she on
the list this week? Because she changes her address more frequently
than Osama bin Laden. According
to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, "Roach changed
the address of her voter registration July 25 for the second
time in two months and the fifth time since March 2001. And
it was the second time in two months that she moved into a
friend's house to qualify for an elective office." Obviously
this is pretty typical behavior for Republicans, who will
do whatever is necessary to get into power. But Ms. Roach
is causing a bit of a stir even among her former friends and
allies, who are miffed that she is trying to cheat the system
by not actually living where she claims to be living at any
given moment. So Pam Roach wins a dual honor this week - not
only is she a cheating conservative election thief, she's
also managed to get Republicans fighting among themselves.
Hoorah!
Jeb
Bush
And finally, here's
what Jeb Bush said about Gary Coleman last week, when Jeb
was asked about California's recall election:"I'm glad
that Gary Coleman lives in California...A guy like me that
believes in limited government probably would have a tough
time against a fellow like that because he probably symbolizes
smaller government." Hang on, I don't get it. Gary Coleman
symbolizes smaller government? Is that supposed to be a jo...
wait a second - I think I see what he's done here... Gary
Coleman is famously small... smaller government... I think
I get it! HA HA HA! HAHAHA! Smaller, get it? Oh my,
that's probably the best joke I've ever heard! Governor Bush,
you should be a comedian! Boy, you'd give that Jerry Seinfeld
a run for his money! Smaller government! HA HA HA!!
*SNORT* GUFFAW! Ooh, I think I've ruptured my spleen. See
you next week.
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