Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 123)
Moore's Monument Edition
week's list is a monument to conservative idiocy. And like
Roy Moore's granite behemoth, our list has exactly 10 items.
In the number one slot, is Judge Moore himself, who seems
to have nothing but contempt for the rule of law. But at least
he hasn't killed anybody, which we can't say for Rep.
Bill "leadfoot" Janklow (3). Fox News (4, 9) makes
two appearances on the list this week, for losing its "fair
and balanced" court case and for showing itself to be
anything but fair and balanced with regard to the California
recall election. And if you didn't think this list was great
already, we've got two appearances by Dubya (2, 8),
plus Taco Bell (5) and the Nuge(6). Enjoy, and don't
forget the key!
So, a U.S. Supreme Court ruling and a busload of arrested
protesters later, Roy Moore still hadn't removed his enormous
Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Judicial Building.
Even an Alabama Supreme Court decision by the eight other
Moore didn't convince him to change his mind. And now
Moore's Monument is becoming something of a battle between
religious fundies who think that the world is going to explode
if the monument is removed, and the rest of the planet who
thinks that Justice Roy Moore is a maniac who should probably
be kicked out of his judicial position once and for all. I
mean, this is the chief justice of the Alabama Supreme
Court we're talking about here, and the guy won't obey the
law he's supposed to uphold. Instead he keeps rattling on
about a "higher law" which, while all well and good,
isn't actually the law of the land. But what's really sad
about this story is that it appears to be turning into nothing
more than a vehicle for Roy Moore to promote
himself. In a speech in front of the monument last week
he mentioned God 12 times and himself 21 times. And now he's
been suspended from the Supreme Court, the real question is:
anyone want to bet against Roy Moore running for governor
of Alabama in the not-too-distant future?
Thank goodness Our Great Leader is in charge of our national
security and bringing world peace. He's doing such a
great job so far. You only have to look at last week's bombing
of the UN building in Iraq (which killed 23 people including
the UN's top envoy in Iraq, Sergio Vieira de Mello) to see
what kind of progress we're making. With surprising speed,
the Pentagon rushed
out the explanation that al Qaeda were responsible for
the bombing (see - we told you that al Qaeda was in
Iraq!!) - although recent news reports suggest that in fact
the bombing could have been an inside
job pulled off by members of Saddam's former security
service. Meanwhile, on the same day as the UN blast in Iraq
a suicide bomber killed 18 people in Israel, whisking Bush's
largely symbolic road map out the window and blowing it onto
the shoulder. And where was Bush while all this was going
on? Well, during the recent blackout of the northeast Our
Great Leader had to tear himself away from a fundraiser to
address the nation. This week he was unfortunately in the
middle of a round of golf, which he had to abandon
to take a phone call from Kofi Annan. Incidentally, Mr. Annan
immediately cut short his vacation to deal with the crisis.
But nothing was going to come between George W. Bush and his
vacation, which resumed shortly after the phone call. Ah,
George must have thought after hanging up and sinking into
his easy chair, mission accomplished.
Bill Janklow is the only congressman from (and former governor
of) South Dakota, and is what we like to think of as a "typical
Republican" - a conservative who tells people to do what
he says, not what he does. For example, speaking in favor
of mandatory drug sentencing in his 1999 State of the State
address, he offered this analogy: "Bill Janklow speeds when
he drives - shouldn't but he does. When he gets the ticket,
he pays for it, but if someone told me I was going to jail
for two days for speeding, my driving habits would change."
Perhaps somebody should have told Bill Janklow that
he was going to jail for two days instead of simply fining
him for 12 speeding tickets in 11 counties between 1990 and
1994. Because if his driving habits had changed, he might
not have been doing 75mph in a 55mph zone before he blew through
a stop sign, hitting
and killing a motorcyclist last week. Sadly it's a bit
late now. But perhaps the possibility of a second-degree manslaughter
charge will change Bill's driving habits. After all, it's
hard to speed when you're behind bars.
"There are hard cases and there are easy cases," said the
judge in the Fox News Fair and Balanced case against
Al Franken. "This is an easy case. This case is wholly
without merit, both factually and legally." This appears
to be the end for one of the most ridiculous lawsuits in recent
memory. (Why in the heck would a news organization be trying
to chip away at the first amendment? You decide.) Interestingly,
we hear that Fox News have recently been running ads on their
network for Hannity & Colmes, featuring Dennis Miller.
The ads reportedly contain the line, "It's Miller Time."
So what's going on here? Was Fox News's lawsuit really a principled
defense of the trademark holder's sacred rights? Or are they
just a hypocritical right-wing propaganda outlet that's full
of shit? We report, you... oh, never mind.
Just when you thought the recall situation in California couldn't
get any more ridiculous, here comes Taco Bell. Their latest
scheme is to encourage people to buy one of their food
products and Taco Bell will cast a "vote" on their
website for the candidate which that food product represents.
Unfortunately Taco Bell's bias is showing. First of all, they've
only got three options in their promotion
- Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gray Davis, and, um, "one of
the other 134 candidates." Ri-ight. Arnold's food product
is the beef crunchy taco. Got that? That's beef as in man-mountain,
and crunchy as in hard stuff. Gray Davis's food product
is the chicken soft taco. That's chicken as in, um, chicken,
and soft as in, well, soft. Oh, and is there any doubt
that beef crunchy taco is Taco Bell's best-selling item? Gee,
I wonder what the results of their "election" will
be. Not that it really matters anyway - cast a Taco Bell vote
for Gray Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger or any of the other
134 candidates and chances are you'll spend the rest of the
afternoon on the toilet.
Frivolous lawsuits seem to be the order of the day for wingnuts
right now. Following in the footsteps of Fox News comes Ted
Nugent, famed guitarist/hunter/conservative nutjob. The Nuge
is suing the City of Muskegon, MI, Mayor Stephen Warmington,
City Manager Bryon Mazade and Meridian Entertainment for canceling
some concert or other that he was supposed to be putting on.
Boy, how the mighty have fallen. Anyway, Nugent got his concert
canceled because of comments he made on a radio show back in
May (see Idiots 109) - nothing major,
he was just explaining that the words "Jap," "Gook,"
and "Nigger" weren't offensive. Unfortunately a lot
of people found this, um, offensive, and now it seems that The
Nuge is having some difficulty getting a gig. The particularly
stupid thing about this lawsuit is that Nugent is suing the
City of Muskegon because they have "damaged his reputation
and career." No, no, no, Ted - that's what you did.
And that's why they canceled your show. Get it?
York Port Authority
You'd think the New York Port Authority would have better
things to do than track down and persecute police officers
who appear on television shows. Unless of course the television
show in question happens to feature - gasp - gay men! Port
Authority police officer John Verdi got into a spot of hot
water last week when he appeared on "Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy," and two of the cast surreptitiously tried
on his police uniform. This shocking abuse of police property
was too much for the Port Authority, and Verdi is now "under
scrutiny" because, according
to the Washington Post, he "didn't get clearance
to say he was a police officer on television, and that he
shouldn't have let a civilian wear his uniform." Damn,
Port Authority, how right you are! I mean, isn't it obvious
that the transgressions of this evil, evil man could potentially
lead to the downfall of western civilization? Sheesh...
W. Bush (again)
In the wake of two enormous tax cuts which have so far failed
to stimulate the economy, George W. Bush has a splendid new
economic plan to fix the country's monetary woes. Can you
guess what it is? That's right - more tax cuts! "As we stand
right now, I believe the tax relief packages we have in place
are doing their job. But I'm a flexible person. I want to
make sure that the conditions for economic growth and vitality
are strong," spake
Dubya before heading off on yet another round of golf.
If George thinks the tax cuts are doing their job, perhaps
he should get off the damn golf course and go speak to the
millions of people around the country who don't have
a job any more because of his policies. Mind you, the good
news is that the latest
Zogby poll has Our Great Leader teetering on the brink
- according to last week's poll a mere 52% now approve of
Bush. Not only that but only 45% think he deserves re-election
(or election, as the case may be) whereas 48% want someone
new. So he'd better hurry up if he wants to enact more fabulous
economy-saving tax cuts before he gets his ass kicked out
the door in 2004.
Drudge is reporting
that Fox News has ordered a moratorium on Schwarzenegger movie
puns in the network's coverage of the California recall election.
According to a memo from Fox News senior vice president John
Moody, the effect of the puns "is often to belittle the
candidacy of the front-runner for one of the most important
offices in the U.S., and that's not fair and balanced. No
more references to 'Conan,' 'Terminator,' and 'Kindergarten
Cop' as shorthand for the candidate." I guess the GOP
whores at Fox realized that Arnold's candidacy isn't the sure
thing they've been making it out to be. The groping Austrian
Beefcake isn't a "novelty candidate" but a serious
candidate: "He is now undertaking a very serious mission
and we want people to be told all about it." Whoops!
I guess their bias is showing. I wonder if they'll be giving
the same deference to the very serious mission that the incumbent
governor and lieutenant governor are undertaking...
finally, Arnold Schwarzenegger made a bold political move
last week by hiring top
political advisor Sam Seaborn, former deputy communications
director to President Jed Bartlett. Despite Seaborn's slightly
tarnished reputation due to allegations of an affair with
a call girl, he is expected to bring a wealth of experience
to the Schwarzenegger campaign. An obviously confident Schwarzenegger
has already begun looking for potential political appointees
if he becomes governor, and is rumored to be interested in
tapping Captain Stubing to head the California Transportation
Commission, Roscoe P. Coltrane as Attorney General, and Quincy,
M.E. as chief of the Health and Human Services Agency. See
you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List