Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 93)
Lucky Duckies Edition
back! If you missed us last week because we were stuffing
our faces with turkey, don't worry - we've included some stories
from the past two weeks, so all of our idiots are covered.
Top of the chart this week is none other than Suzanne Terrell,
who got her ass handed to her by Senator Mary Landrieu. Next
is John LeBoutillier, who has such a passionate hatred for
Bill Clinton that we actually feel a bit sorry for him. And
oozing into third place is the Wall Street Journal,
who recently coined a new phrase for "the poor."
Elsewhere we find Trent Lott (4), Paul O'Neill and Larry Lindsay
(5), George W. Bush (6) and Katherine Harris (8). And bringing
up the rear we've got Rush Limbaugh (10). Enjoy, and as usual,
don't forget the key.
held the country's last U.S. Senate election on Saturday,
between incumbent Mary Landrieu and Republican challenger
Suzanne Terrell. True to GOP fashion, Terrell ran a shameful
negative attack campaign against Landrieu. Her overstuffed
campaign coffers allowed her to run three
or four ads for every one that Landrieu put up. The media
whores, expecting a Terrell victory, have spent the last month
trashing Landrieu and hyping this election as a "referendum"
on George W. Bush. Bush even raised a million bucks for Terrell
in the last week. Fortunately, the voters of Louisiana were
not swayed by the Republican machine, and sent Terrell packing.
Unsurprisingly, the media doesn't seem to be calling it a
referendum on Bush anymore. Go figure.
about having nothing better to do with your time. One-term
congressman John LeBoutillier (R-NeverHeardOfHim) has come
up with a great
idea to stick the knife in Bill and Hillary Clinton yet
again. LeBoutillier has put forth plans for the "Counter
Clinton Library," to be built a few minutes walk from
the official Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock,
Arkansas. LeBoutillier's "CCL" is supposedly going
to refute the Clintons' "distortions, slanders, spins
and outright lies," and will therefore be dedicating
space to such blatantly factually-inaccurate urban myths such
as "Travelgate" and the alleged trashing of the
White House. It seems that the usual Right Wing Organizations
for the Terminally Braindead aren't hesitating to leap aboard
the Crush Clinton Gravy Train - LeBoutillier will be appearing
on FOX News (of course) and Newsmax.com is taking donations.
They say the project will be completed six months before the
official Presidential Library, but frankly it all sounds like
a steaming pile of self-aggrandizing elephant ca-ca to us.
Which leads us to ask: shouldn't John LeBoutillier stop whacking
off over Bill Clinton and get a job or something?
Wall Street Journal
Kudos to E.J. Dionne Jr. for pointing out this hellacious
example of conservative idiocy in a Washington Post
opinion piece last week. According
to Dionne, it seems that The Wall Street Journal has
hit upon a great new whipping-boy: the poor. See, the real
societal tragedy of today is that the poor aren't paying enough
taxes. (Note that this comes from a publication that is usually
opposed to higher taxes.) According to the Journal's editorial
page, the working poor are - and I quote - "lucky duckies"
because they don't have the troublesome burden of paying a
lot of income tax. Never mind all the other taxes (which
of course, the Republicans don't want to cut) that the poor
have to pay. Lucky duckies, that's what they are. So here's
a suggestion - how about all those unfortunate millionaires
just hand over all their cash to the poor, thus saddling them
with that terrible income tax burden, and try living on $12,000
a year? They too could be lucky duckies!
all know that Republicans are a bunch of bigots who yearn
for a return to the days of racial segregation, but it's pretty
rare that one of them actually comes right out and says
it. Imagine our surprise when the soon-to-be Majority Leader
of the U.S. Senate, Trent Lott, pretty much did exactly that
at a 100th birthday party for Strom Thurmond. If you recall,
Strom ran for president back in 1948 on an unabashedly pro-segregation
platform. According to the Washington Post, Trent had
this to say:
"I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond
ran for president we voted for him. We're proud of it. And
if the rest of the country had of followed our lead we wouldn't
have had all these problems over all these years, either."
Gee, Trent, what are "all these problems" that you
refer to? Could it be all those uppity black folk wanting
to eat at the same restaurants, drink at the same water fountains,
and vote in the same elections?
O'Neill and Larry Lindsay
So long, farewell, adieu, ta-ta, ciao, auf wiedersehn... George
W. Bush's economic team disappeared
into the sunset last week, leaving behind a stunning track
record of a sinking economy, huge federal deficits, a tanking
stock market, and a massive tax cut for the rich. Now all
we need is Bush, Cheney, Rove, Fleischer and all the rest
to resign, and before you know it the economy will be back
Back in 1994 Bill Clinton banned a practice of awarding large
cash bonuses to political appointees because, according to
The Washington Post, the bonuses would "encourage
political favoritism and send the wrong message to federal
employees." Last week it was revealed that George W.
Bush had secretly reversed this decision earlier in the year,
presumably as part of his plan to return "integrity"
and root out "impropriety" in Washington. According
to Tom Daschle, "The fact that the Bush administration has
decided, in secret, to bring them back is just the latest
demonstration of how misplaced this administration's priorities
are." Even worse is that just one week earlier, Bush was telling
federal employees that sorry, your raises might not be quite
what you expected this year. War on Terror, you know. Federal
deficits and all that. Just going to have to suck it up, I'm
afraid, because it's for your country and if you don't like
it then you should move to Russia you un-American swine. And
anyway, I need the money that should have been given
to you to throw at my cronies whenever I feel like it. Happy
Ridge and Mark Schweiker
back to the lucky duckies... you can include all the tax-dodging
companies that Pennsylvania's Ridge-Schweiker administration
employed between 1997 and 1999. It was revealed last week
that the administration awarded "more than $3 billion
in state contracts to companies that have overdue state tax
bills or other outstanding state debts," according
to The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. State Auditor General
Robert P. Casey Jr. said, "Pennsylvania's Contractor
Responsibility Program was established to ensure that contractors
doing business with the commonwealth are competent and responsible,
and that the contracting process is free of waste, fraud and
abuse ... Unfortunately, our audit found that this administration
repeatedly and intentionally paid out millions of hard-earned
tax dollars to tax delinquents in total disregard of the program's
goals." Lucky, lucky, lucky duckies...
Oh my. Katherine Harris has been a congresswoman for about
five minutes, and wouldn't you know it - she's already been
given a leadership role. It appears that House Majority Whip-Elect
Roy Blunt has tapped
Harris for a position as assistant majority whip. Whoop-ah.
And what does an assistant majority whip have to do? Well
apparently they are crucial to the "leadership discussions
of the strategies of passing legislation," and, of course,
"the vote-gathering process." Well Harris should
be good at that. Remember when she gathered all those Al Gore
votes and threw them in the trash?
Ah, Newsmax.com - can it get any worse than this? The so-called
"news organization" recently reported
on the topic of Mary Landrieu and the Louisiana senate race,
claiming that Landrieu had "threatened" her Republican
rival, Suzanne Terrell by saying "This is your last campaign."
Uh, whatever. But then Carl Limbacher and friends came up
with this gem: "Landrieu should be careful as well, and
she might want to avoid the unfriendly skies until the runoff
election is held Dec. 7. Unfortunately, Democrat candidates
have a tradition of dying in mysterious plane crashes - but
only those in danger of losing. She should pray her party
doesn't have a viable candidate ready to replace her."
Now that's what I call a serious news organization!
And finally, according to that epitome of non-bias The
Washington Times, conservative poster turd Rush Limbaugh
"fears that outgoing Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle
is giving comfort to the United States' enemies by belittling
U.S. achievements in the war on terror." Oh my lord,
stop the presses! Rush Limbaugh has something partisan to
say about Tom Daschle! "He's attacked my president. He attacked
our effort in the war on terrorism. He said he's seen no evidence
of any victory because we haven't gotten [Osama] bin Laden,"
King Donut. "He's out there broadcasting this to the
world. This is getting such coverage, who knows what kind
of aid and comfort it might be providing the people that we're
attempting to bring to justice, either legally or militarily?"
Well pardon us, Mr. Limbaugh, but haven't you for the
last ten years been earning a fat living sitting on your ass
broadcasting to tens of millions of people that our military
is in dire straits, that Bill Clinton has rendered it completely
ineffective, that he was too concerned about impeachment to
worry about foreign policy, that with him as Commander-in-Chief
we might as well just surrender right now? And then you blame
Tom Daschle for giving "aid and comfort"
to the enemy? This hypocrisy is almost physically crippling!
We would suggest you take a look in the mirror, Rush, but
it's doubtful that you would find one sufficiently crack-resistant.
See you next week!
a Conservative for Next Week's List
We fixed the bug.)