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The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 92)
November 25, 2002
Fairly Unbalanced Edition

Welcome once again to the the Top Ten Conservative Idiots! The Leonid meteor shower must have shorted out some conservatives' neural pathways, because there's no shortage of tomfoolery this week. Top of the list is Roger Ailes leading the charge to kiss up to Dubya. But Roger's got some stiff competition: top GOP officials Scott Fawell and Roger Stanley (2) have some prostitutes to explain away, Rush Limbaugh (4) is just plain evil, and Bob Ehrlich wants to kill people (5). And let's not forget our friends who are bringing up the rear: old pal Justice Roy Moore (7), Oliver North (9) and last and of course least, George W. Bush (10). Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key.

1Roger Ailes partisanship partisanship covering your ass
FOX News is as fair and balanced a news organization as you are ever likely to see. Except, that is, when their chairman Roger Ailes is sending notes to George W. Bush advising him on policy. According to Bob Woodward, shortly after September 11 Ailes sent Bush an "important-looking confidential communication" in which Mr. Ailes was offering a "back-channel message" to Bush, telling him what he should do next to avoid losing the confidence of the American people. Ailes, of course, claims that he was offering his advice "as a human being and a citizen" - a human being and a citizen who just happens to run a cable news organization which spends all its time brown-nosing Bush, mind you. Oh, but wait, they're fair and balanced. So of course they wouldn't give Bush any help getting his message across after 9/11, and their chairman was acting completely independently. How foolish of us.

2Scott Fawell and Roger Stanley arrest sex quid pro quo boat
The GOP: party of honesty, integrity, morals and values? Or party of bribes, bid-rigging, political favors, and, um, Costa Rican hookers? Well we haven't seen much proof of the former, but their is certainly plenty of evidence to support the latter. Take Scott Fawell, Illinois Republican and former top aide to lame-duck Governor George Ryan, who accepted free Costa Rican fishing trips (along with the aforementioned hookers) from fellow Republican "bigwig" Roger Stanley. In return, Stanley got contracts. But now the poop is hitting the fan, and Fawell and Stanley have been indicted for various offenses such as diverting state employees to work on numerous campaigns on state time, shredding garbage bags full of campaign records, thwarting an internal investigations of wrongdoing, obstruction of justice, etc., etc., etc. Ah yes, the Grand Old Party indeed.

3Wanda Hudak dumb misogyny gun nut
Wanda Hudak, a Binghampton, NY county lawmaker and Director of the Broome County Republican Women's Club, has come up with an interesting way to prevent domestic violence, and a novel take on the problems facing the local social services department. So how are those problems caused? According to Hudak, they can be "blamed on women of low moral character." Aha. And what about that domestic violence? Well apparently that can be solved with nothing more than a "25-cent bullet." So there you have it! Fresh new Republican ideas for the twenty-first century!

4Rush Limbaugh lying lying lying lying partisanship partisanship massive ego hypocrisy just plain evil
Just when you think Rush "Anal Cyst" Limbaugh can't get any worse, well, he does. Tom Daschle recently complained to the media that personal death threats and threats against his family have greatly increased since Limbaugh started constantly bad-mouthing him. Really? What on earth could Rush have said? Try this: "There’s a very high likelihood we’re going to even face additional terrorist attacks ... No country is safe from this threat, not even us, no country is going to be perfect in its efforts to fight it. And Senator Daschle, you know this. Just as you know that you are hoping to benefit politically when our economy stagnates and people lose jobs, you are hoping to politically benefit with the next terrorist attack.... You are seeking political advantage in the war on terrorism just exactly as you sought political advantage after the war on terrorism started on September 11. Just as you sought political advantage with the economy plundering, just as you sought political advantage with the stock market collapse, just as you sought political advantage with the corporate scandals. You seek political advantage with the nation at war. There is no greater testament to the depths to which the Democratic Party and liberalism have fallen. You now position yourself, Senator Daschle, to exploit future terrorist attacks for political gain. You are worse, sir, than the ambulance-chasing tort lawyers that make up your chief contributors. You, sir, are a disgrace. You are a disgrace to patriotism, you are a disgrace to this country, you are a disgrace to the Senate, and you ought to be a disgrace to the Democratic Party but sadly you’re probably a hero among some of them today..." Jaysus, why don't we just take Daschle outside and string him up right now, Rush? Incidentally, Limbaugh also managed to admit last week that there was no such thing as the liberal media. And we liked that so much, we put it on a T-shirt.

5Bob Ehrlich racism quid pro quo
Earlier this year Maryland Governor Parris Glendening ordered a moratorium on executions in the state because of concerns about the fairness of the application of the death penalty. For example: "while an overwhelming majority of Maryland murder victims are black, all 13 men on the state's death row were sentenced to die for killing whites," according to the Washington Post. Now enter Governor-elect Bob Ehrlich, who has no such qualms about throwing the switch on bad guys. Heck, the people of Maryland voted for more executions - and speedier elections to boot - and that's what they shall have. Ehrlich has promised to rescind the moratorium as soon as he takes office in January. And that means that seven people could be knocked off in his first year alone! Three cheers for Bob Ehrlich and his policy of executing blacks quickly and without fuss! Incidentally, Ehrlich was also in trouble recently for flying around in a luxury helicopter owned by a company linked to the local FOX TV station. But that's another story...

6Fred Nile and John Howard religious nut racism
Did you know they have conservative idiots in Australia too? Check out the Rev. Fred Nile, a Christian New South Wales Member of Parliament, who recently caused outrage by suggesting that Muslim women should be banned from wearing full body coverings in public. Why? Duh! Because they could be hiding bombs or weapons under there, silly! "It is not a fairy tale," he insisted. Step forward Prime Minister John Howard to denounce Rev. Nile's statements. Uh, or not: "Generally speaking I'm in favor of respecting people's religious beliefs, or indeed people's lack of religious beliefs," said Howard. Generally speaking? But not all the time, right? He went on: "I understand what he's getting at, but I also stop short of agreeing with him because I've got to frankly myself have a better understanding of just how fundamental that is." Well that's cleared that up then...

7Roy Moore religious nut religious nut unconstitutional
Poor Justice Roy Moore. No stranger to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots (see Idiots passim) the ultra-conservative judicial nutjob last week lost the battle to keep his 5,300-pound granite Ten Commandments monument in Alabama's judicial building. U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson said that Moore's monument violates the constitution's ban on government promotion of religion, and he was given thirty days to remove it. Immediately following the decision, a disappointed Moore left the courtroom and announced that since he now didn't have a big stone to tell him not to, he would spend the next couple of days coveting his neighbor's ass.

8The Bush Administration warmongering helping the terrorists
And the score so far in the battle for Afghanistan is... well, let's just say that the challengers aren't doing too well. According to General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "We've lost a little momentum there, to be frank." Apparently Al Qaeda and Taliban forces are getting bolder all the time and are carrying out more daring attacks against U.S. troops, while the Bush administration's plan to rebuild Afghanistan has stalled. Not that you'd know it if you spend any time watching the news on TV of course. In fact, Afghanistan seems to have completely disappeared from the public's radar. Mind you, the media are treating the story in true American style: if we're not winning, who cares, right?

9 Oliver North boat
Obviously irritated that his co-conspirator John Poindexter is working on a cushy scheme to spy on American citizens (see Idiots 91), Oliver North has decided to branch out too. What's his new line of work? It's... wait for it... the tourism industry. Yes, according to the Associated Press, "Former White House aide Oliver North will lead scores of supporters on a Caribbean cruise next year to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Grenada." Woohoo! Remember when we kicked Grenada's ass? Now who's up for a game of shuffleboard?

10George W. Bush dumb
And finally: a picture is worth a thousand words.

Note: The Top Ten will be taking a break next week due to the Thanksgiving holiday. We'll see you again in two weeks!

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