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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 92)
November
25, 2002
Fairly Unbalanced Edition
 Welcome
once again to the the Top Ten Conservative Idiots! The Leonid
meteor shower must have shorted out some conservatives' neural
pathways, because there's no shortage of tomfoolery this week.
Top of the list is Roger Ailes leading the charge to kiss
up to Dubya. But Roger's got some stiff competition: top GOP
officials Scott Fawell and Roger Stanley (2) have some prostitutes
to explain away, Rush Limbaugh (4) is just plain evil, and
Bob Ehrlich wants to kill people (5). And let's not forget
our friends who are bringing up the rear: old pal Justice
Roy Moore (7), Oliver North (9) and last and of course least,
George W. Bush (10). Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the
key.
 Roger
Ailes
FOX
News is as fair and balanced a news organization as you are
ever likely to see. Except, that is, when their chairman Roger
Ailes is sending notes to George W. Bush advising him on policy.
According
to Bob Woodward, shortly after September 11 Ailes sent Bush
an "important-looking confidential communication" in
which Mr. Ailes was offering a "back-channel message" to Bush,
telling him what he should do next to avoid losing the confidence
of the American people. Ailes, of course, claims that he was
offering his advice "as a human being and a citizen"
- a human being and a citizen who just happens to run a cable
news organization which spends all its time brown-nosing Bush,
mind you. Oh, but wait, they're fair and balanced. So of course
they wouldn't give Bush any help getting his message across
after 9/11, and their chairman was acting completely independently.
How foolish of us.
 Scott
Fawell and Roger Stanley
The GOP: party of honesty, integrity, morals and values? Or
party of bribes, bid-rigging, political favors, and, um, Costa
Rican hookers? Well we haven't seen much proof of the former,
but their is certainly plenty of evidence
to support the latter. Take Scott Fawell, Illinois Republican
and former top aide to lame-duck Governor George Ryan, who
accepted free Costa Rican fishing trips (along with the aforementioned
hookers) from fellow Republican "bigwig" Roger Stanley.
In return, Stanley got contracts. But now the poop is hitting
the fan, and Fawell and Stanley have been indicted for various
offenses such as diverting state employees to work on numerous
campaigns on state time, shredding garbage bags full of campaign
records, thwarting an internal investigations of wrongdoing,
obstruction of justice, etc., etc., etc. Ah yes, the Grand
Old Party indeed.
 Wanda
Hudak
Wanda
Hudak, a Binghampton, NY county lawmaker and Director of the
Broome County Republican Women's Club, has come up with an
interesting
way to prevent domestic violence, and a novel take on the
problems facing the local social services department. So how
are those problems caused? According to Hudak, they can be
"blamed on women of low moral character." Aha. And
what about that domestic violence? Well apparently that can
be solved with nothing more than a "25-cent bullet." So there
you have it! Fresh new Republican ideas for the twenty-first
century!
 Rush
Limbaugh
Just when you think Rush "Anal Cyst" Limbaugh can't
get any worse, well, he does. Tom Daschle recently complained
to the media that personal death threats and threats against
his family have greatly increased since Limbaugh started constantly
bad-mouthing him. Really? What on earth could Rush have said?
Try this:
"There�s a very high likelihood we�re going to even face
additional terrorist attacks ... No country is safe from this
threat, not even us, no country is going to be perfect in
its efforts to fight it. And Senator Daschle, you know this.
Just as you know that you are hoping to benefit politically
when our economy stagnates and people lose jobs, you are hoping
to politically benefit with the next terrorist attack....
You are seeking political advantage in the war on terrorism
just exactly as you sought political advantage after the war
on terrorism started on September 11. Just as you sought political
advantage with the economy plundering, just as you sought
political advantage with the stock market collapse, just as
you sought political advantage with the corporate scandals.
You seek political advantage with the nation at war. There
is no greater testament to the depths to which the Democratic
Party and liberalism have fallen. You now position yourself,
Senator Daschle, to exploit future terrorist attacks for political
gain. You are worse, sir, than the ambulance-chasing tort
lawyers that make up your chief contributors. You, sir, are
a disgrace. You are a disgrace to patriotism, you are a disgrace
to this country, you are a disgrace to the Senate, and you
ought to be a disgrace to the Democratic Party but sadly you�re
probably a hero among some of them today..." Jaysus,
why don't we just take Daschle outside and string him up right
now, Rush? Incidentally, Limbaugh also managed to admit
last week that there was no such thing as the liberal media.
And we liked that so much, we put it on a T-shirt.
 Bob
Ehrlich
Earlier
this year Maryland Governor Parris Glendening ordered a moratorium
on executions in the state because of concerns about the fairness
of the application of the death penalty. For example: "while
an overwhelming majority of Maryland murder victims are black,
all 13 men on the state's death row were sentenced to die
for killing whites," according
to the Washington Post. Now enter Governor-elect Bob
Ehrlich, who has no such qualms about throwing the switch
on bad guys. Heck, the people of Maryland voted for more executions
- and speedier elections to boot - and that's what they shall
have. Ehrlich has promised to rescind the moratorium as soon
as he takes office in January. And that means that seven people
could be knocked off in his first year alone! Three cheers
for Bob Ehrlich and his policy of executing blacks quickly
and without fuss! Incidentally, Ehrlich was also in trouble
recently for flying around in a luxury helicopter owned by
a company linked to the local FOX TV station. But that's another
story...
 Fred
Nile and John Howard
Did you know they have conservative idiots in Australia too?
Check out the Rev. Fred Nile, a Christian New South Wales
Member of Parliament, who recently caused outrage by suggesting
that Muslim women should be banned from wearing full body
coverings in public. Why? Duh! Because they could be hiding
bombs or weapons under there, silly! "It is not a fairy tale,"
he insisted. Step forward Prime Minister John Howard to denounce
Rev. Nile's statements. Uh, or not: "Generally speaking I'm
in favor of respecting people's religious beliefs, or indeed
people's lack of religious beliefs," said Howard. Generally
speaking? But not all the time, right? He went on: "I understand
what he's getting at, but I also stop short of agreeing with
him because I've got to frankly myself have a better understanding
of just how fundamental that is." Well that's cleared that
up then...
 Roy
Moore
Poor
Justice Roy Moore. No stranger to the Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (see Idiots passim) the ultra-conservative judicial
nutjob last week lost
the battle to keep his 5,300-pound granite Ten Commandments
monument in Alabama's judicial building. U.S. District Judge
Myron Thompson said that Moore's monument violates the constitution's
ban on government promotion of religion, and he was given
thirty days to remove it. Immediately following the decision,
a disappointed Moore left the courtroom and announced that
since he now didn't have a big stone to tell him not to, he
would spend the next couple of days coveting his neighbor's
ass.
 The
Bush Administration
And
the score so far in the battle for Afghanistan is... well,
let's just say that the challengers aren't doing too well.
According to General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, "We've lost a little momentum there, to be
frank." Apparently
Al Qaeda and Taliban forces are getting bolder all the time
and are carrying out more daring attacks against U.S. troops,
while the Bush administration's plan to rebuild Afghanistan
has stalled. Not that you'd know it if you spend any time
watching the news on TV of course. In fact, Afghanistan seems
to have completely disappeared from the public's radar. Mind
you, the media are treating the story in true American
style: if we're not winning, who cares, right?
Oliver
North
Obviously irritated that his co-conspirator John Poindexter
is working on a cushy scheme to spy on American citizens (see
Idiots 91), Oliver North
has decided to branch out too. What's his new line of work?
It's... wait for it... the tourism industry. Yes, according
to the Associated Press, "Former White House aide Oliver
North will lead scores of supporters on a Caribbean cruise
next year to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the U.S.
invasion of Grenada." Woohoo! Remember when we kicked
Grenada's ass? Now who's up for a game of shuffleboard?
 George
W. Bush
And
finally: a picture is worth a thousand words.
Note:
The Top Ten will be taking a break next week due to the Thanksgiving
holiday. We'll see you again in two weeks!
Nominate
a Conservative for Next Week's List
(NOTE:
We fixed the bug.)
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