"New " rules!

[PCIntern]

1. The Minority Party, if Republican, determines the agenda in the Congress, may force an up or down vote, is not required to filibuster, but merely to threaten to do so, in order to stop legislation proffered by the Majority Party, if Democratic. The Majority Party, if Democratic, has no power at all whatsoever and must concede all battles a priori, in order that there is "no loss of face".

2. The Majority Party, if Republican, may do anything it wishes. The Minority Party, if Democratic, has no power at all whatsoever and must concede all battles a priori, in order that there is "no loss of face".

3. Republicans are permitted to possess firearms in extremis, to possess felony arrest and conviction records, to have extra-marital affairs, to solicit sex in public bathrooms, to have rent paid by quasi-religious orders which have a stake in the voting record of said Congressperson, to lie under oath, to appropriate campaign funds for personal expenses, to utilize birth control, to consume alcohol and/or licit or illicit drugs and operate a motor vehicle, and other "offenses to Conservative, 'family' values". These behaviors at any age are to be termed: "youthful indiscretions". Furthermore, they are to be admired and credited with any service to the country even if it may be demonstrated that they avoided the draft, conjured physical pathologies or simply had "other priorities". They are thus to be admired unswervingly as patriots.

4. Democrats are permitted no behaviors at all whatsoever. They are not permitted, for example, to have town meetings, the penalty for which may range from being shouted down incessantly to taking a bullet in the head. They are not permitted to go on vacation in 'exotic' lands, especially Hawaii, since they are not permitted to be born there as it is not really a State of the Union, since there are so many Democrats and it is far away in the Pacific Ocean. They are not permitted to acknowledge that there are, quite possibly, two sides to every story, and that a fair hearing of their position is not necessary at any time since they are always wrong. They are not permitted to have served with distinction in the Armed Forces: their so-called 'acts of valor' are always suspect and tinged with cowardice and faulty awarding of medals, which should most certainly be returned. However, medals may not be returned by Democrats: doing so shall inexorably lead to the loss of Electoral Votes in the State of Ohio. In addition, Democrats may not eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, buy water ice or cheese steaks in Philadelphia, Hot Chestnuts in New York, or Filet Mignon in Omaha. Further, Democrats may not broadcast upon the airwaves more than .005% of the time, and that is simply for them to deny the accusations immediately prior to their convictions as unctuous liberal pond-scum. Democrats are not permitted to buy furniture, automobiles with engine displacement over 350 cu in., or ride motorcycles with engine displacement over 750 cc., ride in First-Class sections of airplanes, or buy Lincoln Continentals used or new. They are not allowed to complain, protest, or seek redress for any of these regulations, or any other regulations which, from time to time, may be conjured up to subjugate them further.

5. This entire posting is non-negotiable. If you disagree with any portion of it you will be a candidate for 'extraordinary rendition', wherein extra-constitutional means are exercised to deprive one of one's Constitutional Rights. It is on good authority that the Founding Fathers would have approved of this technique for thinning the herd of ne-er do wells and Communists.

6. :sarcasm: but is it really?

[bluerum]

1. The part about not being allowed to buy hot chestnuts is so way over the top.

The rest of it - not sure how it's news.

[PCIntern]

2. If you use Crest, you must switch to Colgate....

If you use Colgate, you must switch to Crest. People who use AquaFresh may be deported; people who use Close-up may be cited for vagrancy.