Seeking Compromise, Boehner Proposes Gay Tax

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

SATIRE from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/07/seeking-compromise-boehner-proposes-gay-tax/

Calling it “an effort to find middle ground” with Democrats and the President, House Speaker John Boehner today broke with the majority of his party and stated his willingness to support one measure that would increase taxes: a tax on any individual or couple describing themselves as gay or lesbian. And in a rare outreach to the President, he went so far as to concede, “For now I won’t say that transgenders are ‘off the table’, but I don’t believe the votes will be there. And don’t even bother bringing up raising taxes on bisexuals – for some reason they’re very popular with our caucus membership.”

When asked what prompted the sudden shift in policy, The Bronze Clod explained, “It has become obvious in recent days that if we want to strike while the iron is hot and come in with a big enough package, we Republicans are going to have to swallow hard and widen our stance a little bit – for the sake of our children and grandchildren.”

Later, when discussing why he believed enough House Republicans would support increasing taxes on gay people when all but a handful have signed Grover Norquist’s pledge – swearing that they will never, under any circumstances, vote for a tax increase – the Speaker noted:

“Well, there are several reasons. First, the gay community, as a demographic, tends to be better educated and more affluent than the average citizen. Aside from the fact that many of us resent that, it also means that they – particularly the couples – have more disposable income, so they can afford to pay more. Second, I think the Evangelicals will support it because they will either see it as a punishment for gayness or an incentive to going back to being heterosexual – or both. Third, the vast majority will never vote for a Republican anyway, so what the Hell; and finally, many in our caucus really just don’t like them. Personally, I have no issue – some of my best friends are fags.”

When pressured to elaborate on why his membership wouldn’t support a measure imposing a similar tax on the transgender community, the Orange Bard of the Ohio replied, “If they’ve undergone certain surgical procedures, many would argue that they’re not gay anymore. But when it comes to ascertaining an individual’s biological gender, as much thought as some of our best minds have given it, nobody’s been able to come up with a litmus test that would be palatable to our core constituency.”

Regarding the Constitutional issues such a measure would raise, Boehner concluded, “As long as 88% of the states do not permit same-sex marriage, unless somebody comes up with an argument other than ‘equal protection’ – which will be moot anyway once we get the 14th Amendment repealed – I’m confident the tax would stand.”

July 13th, 2011 | Tags: Bronze Clod, budget talks, debt ceiling, Gay Rights, Grover Norquist, John Boehner, tax increase,Economy, Politics, Satire