What do you say to the parents of a friend who killed himself?

[Zywiec]

Tonight I have to go to the viewing of one of my childhood friends who took his life on Monday. He was only 40.

I'm pretty sure that alcohol was a factor, but don't know for sure. He was having some trouble with his second wife that he married after only four months. She accused him of assaulting her and he was forced out of his own house. People who know this guy have never seen him get violent with anyone.

Last week he was locked up for violating a restraining order by trying to visit the wife. It's all very tragic.

Tonight's the viewing and tomorrow's the funeral.

[malaise]

1. Tell them you know it's painful but

only he knew why he couldn't cope any more.

[Az]

2. Being there is the humane thing to do

They will feel connected to part of his life by your presence. You don't need to say anything. Just be there.

[Lars39]

3. "I am so sorry, ________.", and a hug goes a long way.

And then listen. Offer to help out in some way.

And my condolances to you. :hug:

[blogslut]

4. Just be there

That's the most important thing. You don't have to say anything.

[Clovis Sangrail]

5. nothing

just listen and be available

[JVS]

6. "If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call me"

That's what I say

[RevCheesehead]

7. You'll know what to say (if anything) when you get there.

I recommend something simple, like "I'm so very, very sorry."

[youthere]

8. "I'm so sorry..I'm here for you."

[TahitiNut]

9. "We do the best we can."

The 20-year-old son of one of my closest friends committed suicide a few years ago. She trusted in me to talk her through most of it, since I knew and had, on occasion, cared for Greg as an "at risk" teen. All I could offer is "we can only do our best and then be open to the outcome." "He made a choice. We may believe that choice to be terrible but it was his to make. It's the best we can give to one another. Our love and respect for their innate worth as a human being. It doesn't mean we have to agree - or be protected from the heartache of their choices." "When we feel a loss, we should focus on appreciating what we had before losing it. Having anything which we value enough to feel loss when it's gone is a blessing."

[JNelson6563]

32. That friend was lucky to have you.

And so are we. :toast:

[TahitiNut]

39. I'm a very rich person with the friends I have.

I love her dearly, foibles and all. (F w/o B) She's got more sticktoitiveness than any five people.

You're very kind to say that. :blush: Thank you! :pals:

[MuseRider]

10. Just be there

and listen. That is probably the best thing anyone can do after you lose someone. It seems to help to go over and over the circumstance. Be patient and give them someone who will not tune it out even if you have heard it 100 times.

[porphyrian]

11. I'll second that.

They probably won't remember what half of the people there say to them anyway.

[keopeli]

12. Look them in the eye and say, "My heart weeps with yours" if you can get it out w/out balling.

You do share in their grief, so let your humanity be exposed.

It's a tragic day for all of you.

Peace

[Zywiec]

13. I appreciate everyone's response

Usually when I've been to a viewing it was of someone much older than me. Someone that has lived a full life. Now that it is someone of the same age, it's going to be hard to look at him.

[AndyA]

14. I've been in your situation before.

A childhood friend of mine (Mike) died, and I went to the funeral. I hadn't seen his parents in many, many years. I wasn't sure what to say to them, but when I had the chance, I told them that to me Mike would always be the guy with the great smile that you could always depend on to be your friend, no matter what; the guy who enjoyed exploring new things, and was always willing to help you out, no matter what. I related to them briefly a story about the two of us going into an old abandoned mansion when we were just kids that was deemed to be haunted. We knew we shouldn't have gone in, but we did anyway.

While inside, we could hear a dog wimpering somewhere. Finally, Mike went down in the basement, and found a little black and white dog trapped with his head caught in a wall. Mike told me to stay upstairs, as it wasn't safe down there. By himself, Mike carefully managed to pull the dog's head out of the hole in the wall, and the two of us carried it almost 2 miles by foot to a veterinarian. The dog was severely dehydrated and very hungry, the vet said it hadn't eaten in quite a few days, but that it was going to be OK, and he would nurse it back to health and try to find the dog's owner.

The owner never showed up, but a customer at the vet who lost their old dog to old age adopted the puppy, so it wound up in a very good home.

Mike put himself in danger to help that puppy, as this house was pretty rundown. Mike was almost fearless; he wasn't afraid of anything unless he had good reason to be.

Mike's parents never knew about this, and they were both crying. They thanked me, but I wasn't sure if I had made a mistake or not. Later, I got a note from them telling me how much they appreciated learning something new about their son. They said it was a very special story, and it helped them deal with the loss of their son.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

[malaise]

31. Any parent woudl love that story

Mike rescued a helpless animal - that's genuine kindness and caring.

[mnhtnbb]

15. Very simply, "I'm so very sorry." And then let them talk.

A very good 18 yo friend of my oldest son committed suicide 3 years ago--right before Christmas. What a nightmare.

The parents had one other boy, the age of my youngest son. The parents
are now divorced.

The recriminations, the what if's, the inability to understand why someone
makes that choice, can lead to problems in the family. If you've remained
close to the parents, you might call them in a couple of weeks and
stop by for a visit. Right now they'll be preoccupied with the funeral.
You'll get a better sense of how they're doing and how they will cope.

[Rosemary2205]

16. Doesn't matter - they won't remember it anyway.

Nobody ever remembers who said what at a funeral. They just remember who was there and sometimes who wasn't and if it was a good turnout (in other words, lots or little support). The words anyone says are totally meaningless unless of course they are rude. Whatever kind supportive platitude pops out of your mouth at the moment will be fine. The chances are, having his childhood friends come pay respects and offer a handshake will be what matters.

[Laughing Mirror]

17. You can talk about him as you knew him in childhood

And that you are glad, as his lifelong friend, that he has finally found peace.

[EFerrari]

18. I'm so sorry, Zywiec.

:(

[Sequoia]

19. I'm sorry for you and all of you who lost friends that way.

About 15 years ago or so, a little black boy in Los Angels hung himself because there were so many children in the very poor family he felt if he were gone the smaller ones would eat better. That story was in the Los Angles Times and on the TV stations and had the whole city upset about how this family has slipped through the cracks.

[Zywiec]

20. That story about the little boy really breaks my heart

:cry:

[Sequoia]

27. Same here, and of course I can never forget it.

[CC]

21. A simple I'm sorry for your loss

in any wording that comes from you is enough along with your being there. If you have a funny, odd or heart warming story about their son that you can tell them, even better. Parents wants to know their child is remembered and will be remembered. They will also remember every story anyone tells them about their son, whether they knew about it or not. The perspective is always different. Not just at the funeral either but as time goes by. Also they will need someone that is willing to listen to their stories about their son. Same thing there too, not just at the funeral but as time goes by.
Sometimes people do not mention someone that died out of fear of upsetting their loved ones when most of the time the chance to talk about that loved one is what they need most.

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[etherealtruth]

25. I'm sorry

There really isn't much else to say:(

[DU GrovelBot]

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[LaurenG]

42. LOL

:spank: :rofl:

[nadinbrzezinski]

29. How religious are they?

I ask because that matters

But chiefly, not to blame themselves, there was precious little they could do to stop it

But if they are very religious this might be a tough sell

Oh and to add

If you need anything, let me know and be willing to LISTEN

[Madspirit]

30. I'm So Sorry....Hug...then just be there...and listen...

I'm also sorry for your loss...a childhood friend.
Lee

[fed-up]

33. sorry for your loss, when timing is right ask about any recent insurance policies

taken out either by the wife or by your friend

If suicide was totally out of character there may be way more to this tragedy.

I don't mean to cast aspersions on anybody, but I do know that when my mom first had her stroke it took her husband 3 days to get her to the hospital, then he kept feeding her thin liquids which she could have choked on, then he would not take a life estate in HER house, then he was going to sue me for having a wheelchair ramp installed (he said it would affect the way the house looked and he wouldn't get as much when he sold it)

Yes, he was my step-dad and they had gotten married within a few months of meeting and were only married 6 years total, yes, I did help her get a divorce.

[Syncronaut Seven]

36. I'm speculating that it wasn't a calculated event on his part

Arrest, can trigger suicide.

Divorce.
Job loss.
house purchase / loss
relocation.
marriage even.

All are considered major stressors and can cause people to bump up against their coping limits.

This man was alone. I have conducted a considerable number of interventions where suicide risks have been high. It's not that hard, mostly you just have to be there.

I'm drunk, I'm tired, Im sad. And for years now my tracks have ocasionally run parallel to the individual who took his own life.

I am angered, because most all human beings have worth. I am angered because those who take their own lives can't see outside their own rigidly defined societal box / roll / expectations.

Examination of the paradigm that encourages this type of despair may be more important than the individual loss itself.

I hope something meaningfull comes of this.

Syncro

[Gormy Cuss]

38. "I'm drunk, I'm tired, I'm sad...I am angered""

That explains a lot. You have posted some pretty nasty things in this thread but I would like to thank you for posting something worthwhile now. If more people understood how stressful these life events are then maybe there would be fewer suicides.

[Oilwellian]

34. I lost a son many years ago...

The comment at his funeral that I remember the most came from a friend of his who said "I'll always remember Brian." He came to our house several days later and planted a crepe myrtle in his memory. The crepe myrtle is now 15 feet high, blooms beautifully for 2 months straight and always offers me a great deal of comfort.

[wicket]

37. What a wonderful tribute

:hug:

[Warren DeMontague]

35. Say "I'm So Very Sorry", and don't overdo it beyond that.

Because really, I'd wager that what people say isn't really gonna register for them right now. Quiet support while they grieve is really the most you can give 'em.

[Jed Dilligan]

40. Almost exactly the same story as my friend

who took his life two years ago. The assault, the violation, the lockup. Only difference was he was 28 and the wife was a girlfriend.

I'm glad I didn't know his parents and didn't have to say anything. He was my neighbor in the same complex (friends before--it's a small town) and it was extremely eerie looking up at his dark, empty apartment for months afterward.

[SoCalDem]

41. You just hug them and tell them how sorry you are for their loss

and if you are a close friend, you just listen to them when they want to talk..

[woo me with science]

43. Tell them how much you loved their son,

and how terribly sad you are for their loss.