New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love (The Onion)

[smokey nj]

WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday.

It is believed to have been the first recorded incident of Cheney exhibiting compassion for his fellow man.

Calling the vice president's sudden ability to love "mystifying" but a possible medical breakthrough that could aid other Americans who suffer from acute mulishness and generalized misanthropy, Dr. Jonathan Samuel Reiner, Cheney's cardiologist, said in a press conference at George Washington University Hospital that the vice president exhibited a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining consciousness following his surgery.

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug." <snip>

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-heart-device-allows-cheney-to-experience-love,2294/

[Demeter]

1. If Only It Were True

[smokey nj]

2. Indeed.

[McCamy Taylor]

3. They should call it "All the news that's fit to make up" considering their current look.

[Donnachaidh]

4. You're a Mean One, Mr. Cheney....

You're a mean one, Mr. Cheney

You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
you're as charming as an eel,
Mr. Cheney,
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

You're a monster,
Mr. Cheney,
Your heart's an empty hole,
Your brain is full of spiders,
you have garlic in your soul,
Mr. Cheney,
I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You're a foul one,
Mr. Cheney,
You have termites in your smile,
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile,
Mr. Cheney,
Given a choice between the two of you I'd take the seasick crocodile!

You're a rotter,
Mr. Cheney,
You're the king of sinful sots,
Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots,
Mr. Cheney,
You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!


You nauseate me,
Mr. Cheney,
With a nauseous super "naus"!,
You're a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss,
Mr. Cheney,
Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment
of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

You're a foul one,
Mr. Cheney,
You're a nasty wasty skunk,
Your heart is full of unwashed socks,
your soul is full of gunk,
Mr. Cheney,
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote,"Stink, stank, stunk"!

[smokey nj]

5. Very apropos