Want to laugh your ass off? Read this.

[cali]

THE DEVIN'S ADVOCATE: WHY BREAKING DAWN MUST BE MADE INTO A MOVIE

With New Moon likely to make yet another metric fuckload of money this weekend we need to find the bright side to the entire Twilight mania. There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front. That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn.

Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There's a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable. But if they do film it... man, we are in for a treat.

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.

Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.

Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while fucking her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot!

The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started.

<snip>

and yes, the rest is just as :rofl:

http://chud.com/articles/articles/21684/1/THE-DEVIN039S-ADVOCATE-WHY-BREAKING-DAWN-MUST-BE-MADE-INTO-A-MOVIE/Page1.html?72

[petronius]

1. Geez, way to post a huge bunch of spoilers!

Oh wait, I'll never read/watch this stuff anyway. In that case, thanks for the laugh... :rofl:

[Guy Whitey Corngood]

2. And here I thought from being unable to avoid the previews, billboards, etc. etc. that this

was just some sort of Vampires 90210 type deal. Oh no this is even worse than I could have ever imagined. I then (being the masochist that I am) had to go and find out who the author is and man it just gets worse and worse from there.

[salvorhardin]

3. Best book review EVER!

:rofl:

[Gold Metal Flake]

4. This series is popular with kids?

When will the pop-up editions hit the bookstores?

[cali]

9. .....

:rofl:

[ohheckyeah]

5. What's the big deal?

Many movies are far removed from reality. No, I haven't seen the movies but I don't understand all of the scorn and derision for an obvious fantasy based movie series.

[Brickbat]

10. Just because it's fantasy doesn't mean it has to be crap.

Trust me, this series is crap.

[Chulanowa]

11. Because they're gawdawful movies based on godawful books

This shit is "Zardoz" meets "Queen of the Damned" meets "Dungeons and Dragons" bad. Have you ever watched a movie and found yourself wishing Uwe Boll had written, directed, and produced it? Yeah, that's the Twilight series.

[Pab Sungenis]

18. Actually, it's the Mormon equivalent of "Left Behind...."

...religious propaganda and recruitment disguised as literature. An ex-Mormon friend of mine told me that the way the Vampires are described perfectly mimics the descriptions given in Mormon writings of angels. There are other parallels, too.

[Chulanowa]

19. I'll take that as reinforcement of my statement; fucking dumb movies, fucking dumb books

Now with evidence!

[StarfarerBill]

21. Angels as blood-sucking parasites...okay, I can see that.

[Pab Sungenis]

23. The "Twilight" vampires abstain from drinking blood.

But all the physical apsects ascribed to vampires in the books are those of Mormon angels. Right down to, believe it or not, baseball.

[StarfarerBill]

24. How do they survive, then? I thought it was the blood-sucking that was the big draw of vampires.

[Pab Sungenis]

26. They survive because

Stephanie Meyer has never, ever read any vampire fiction, and proudly admits that. Not even Dracula. She had no idea about the mythos that has built up around vampires in fiction.

[StarfarerBill]

27. Ahh; mything on the myth. Thanks for the clarification;

that's as much as I need to know about that particular subject. :)

[Chulanowa]

28. MAGIC!

"Don't you EVER try to bring logic into this movie! THIS IS FERN GULLY, BITCH!!!" - Lindsey, the Nostalgia Chick

[mitchum]

25. I would call it religious propaganda and recruitment disguised as pulp fiction...

rather than literature.
Otherwise, you are absolutely correct.

[Pab Sungenis]

32. Semantics.

But I tend to agree with you.

[mitchum]

33. True, but I'm just being a lit snob :)

[EOTE]

20. Take that back!

Yes, the Twilight series is godawful dreck. However, I WILL NEVER, EVER find myself wishing that Uwe Boll had participated in the creation of anything. After Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead, even the shitfest that is Twilight seems like Shakespeare in comparison. He is just a few steps beyond awful.

[Brickbat]

6. Thanks for posting that. I needed something like this today. HOLY SHIT.

I thought it was fake at first. Sweet Maude, does that book sound like shite.

[Chulanowa]

7. That is fucking hilarious

Big props for the "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" reference. I was 13 when I first read that Larry Niven essay, and I still laugh over it.

[FSogol]

12. Same here on the reference. Hilarious. n/t

[ohheckyeah]

8. computer glitch dupe n/t

[tomg]

13. Hilarious. nt

[Warpy]

14. When an Amazon reviewer suggests the book is a ploy

to discredit a respected fantasy writer, you know it's really, really bad.

[comrade snarky]

15. Oh... wow!

Gives her a cesarean with his teeth! I am in awe of the level of trashy pulp nastiness. The advocate is right, this must be directed by Cronenberg!


Hot baby lovin, vampire sparklin, pro lifein Mormon weirdness on film! What could go wrong?

[cali]

16. I fucking cannot stop laughing over those images

C'mon Cronenberg.

[sakabatou]

17. Breaking Dawn? Man, that's not as funny as Breaking Wind...

[PVnRT]

22. That is awesome

[Odin2005]

29. EWW, EWW, EWW!!!

:puke:

[cali]

30. you didn't think that was hilarious??

oh well, goes to show that one woman's humor is a pukefest for another.

[Demoiselle]

31. It sounds to me like somebody's taking sex way too seriously!

...Well, a whole lot of somebodies. considering how popular this Twilight stuff is. . Of course it sounds like pure crap, artistically speaking, but what's up with the idea that your lover can be your murderer, your baby can be your murderer and 'tis nobler NOT to shtup your girlfriend, etc. etc., no matter how much you love her? (Yes, I get the turn on of being screwed senseless, but still....) Is the bulk of the Twilight audience ten-year-olds who are terrified of puberty? I've never found vampires in any guise particularly sexually appealing...perhaps it's my stolid, unromantic, healthy run-naked-from-sauna Swedish heritage...or just simply that I'm far too old to get this, but, gee whiz, WTF?
Am I a Martian, or what?

[comrade snarky]

34. The more I think about this the creepier it gets

One component bothering me is how Bella is apparently punished by the author for finally doing the pedo vampire. (He's over 100 and hanging with a high school girl)

The first time he knocks her out and after going back for more she gets pregnant with a baby that beats her from the inside severing her spine. Given the important role chaste love plays in this series it's hard not to see a connection.

Looks like there's a whole world of the author's issues with sex slipping out onto the page since these two are being presented as role models.

Creepy.

You're far from alone.