GOP physicists discover new element

[derby378]

Physicists at the Lawrence Livermore Laboratories, operating on a grant from the Republican National Committee, have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, dubbed sarahpalinium (Sp), exhibits a nucleus with properties that have yet to be discovered in any other atomic nucleus, including the presence of two new hadrons: youbetchatrons, which are made up primarily of charm quarks; and nordstrons, which appear to be made up of strange quarks which constantly interact with campaign funds. These hadrons, which have not yet been counted, are buffered in the nucleus by one neutron, one lieutenant neutron, 20 deputy lieutenant neutrons, 40 assistant deputy lieutenant neutrons, and 15,000 employee neutrons, giving sarahpalinium an atomic mass of no less than 15,062. These hadrons are held together by elementary forces called morons which occasionally emit radiation in the form of alpha, beta, and inwhatrespectcharlie particles.

Sarahpalinium is orbited by an indeterminate number of lepton-like particles called peons, with only one peon occupying the innermost shell (the "Todd shell") and exercising an unusual influence over the sarahpalinuium nucleus. Beyond the Todd shell is a shell with five peons (the "Track/Bristol/Willow/Piper/Trig shell"), and a third shell with 9,780 peons (the "Wasilla shell").

Sarahpalinium impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of sarahpalinium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take as long as four years to complete.

Sarahpalinium is inherently unstable, possessing a half-life that will expire on July 26, 2009. At this point, sarahpalinium will either wink out of existence or develop a controversial fourth peon shell that some physicists claim may contain all remaining matter in four-dimensional spacetime, which means that the very universe may indeed revolve around sarahpalinium.

Link to follow... :silly:

[DainBramaged]

1. I spit out my beans on my shirt, thanks.

:hi:

[derby378]

4. You're welcome!

:P

[alsame]

2. ROFLMAO!! Good job!! nt

[robdogbucky]

3. That is damn funny Derb

Can I copy it and use it elsewhere if I credit you with it?

Maybe you could blog it and give it a URL or sumpin'

Wouldn't feel like I was stealin' then


Just my dos centavos

robdogbucky

[derby378]

6. I'll add it to my DU Journal, for starters

Feel free to spread it across the information superhighway, you betcha! :rofl: :hi:

[Strong Atheist]

32. Belated Welcome to DU!

:toast:

[Catshrink]

5. Good one...

you should cross post in the Science forum.

[ThoughtCriminal]

7. They already had a stockpile of...

Weapons Grade Balonium.

[pleah]

8. Hahahaha..cough, cough, hahahahaha

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[derby378]

11. Need a drink?

:spray::hi:

[pleah]

14. Oh, yeah.

:toast: :hi:

[Arkana]

9. It doesn't say that sarahpalinium is extremely radioactive

and anyone who gets too close to it turns into a drooling moron and votes Republican.

[givemebackmycountry]

10. I lost it right about here....

"These hadrons are held together by elementary forces called morons which occasionally emit radiation in the form of alpha, beta, and inwhatrespectcharlie particles".

That was brilliant and pretty GD funny too!

[derby378]

13. ChickMagic came up with the inwhatrespectcharlie radiation

She's glad you enjoyed it! :hi:

[Tansy_Gold]

12. In light of the discovery/naming of a REAL new element

Seriously, you can't make this shit up




http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090611/sc_nm/us_germany_element

New, superheavy element to enter periodic table

blah blah blah

The zinc and lead nuclei were fused to form the nucleus of the new element, also known as Ununbium, Latin for 112.

The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC), confirmed the discovery of 112 by the team led by Sigurd Hofmann at the Helmholtz Center. IUPAC has asked for an official name for the element to be submitted.

blah blah blah

Proving the existence of atoms with such a high mass, the so-called superheavy elements, is a complex procedure because they exist for only tiny fractions of a second and then decay radioactively into other elements.



Like I said, you can't make this shit up.




Tansy Gold, who never was able to memorize the periodic table or valences but had a crush on her hs chemistry teacher. . . .

[derby378]

19. The concept of the "island of stability" intrigues me

Some physicists are claiming we're approaching the discovery of heavier transuranian elements that will actually be surprisingly stable, yet still highly radioactive. All the new elements we're discovering now have a half-life of maybe a second at best, but these scientists are predicting an "island of stability" where some of the heavier elements last a little while longer. Beyond the island of stability, however, all bets are off. It may not be physically possible to synthesize an element with an atomic number higher than 127 due to some sort of "neutron drip" phenomena.

[Tansy_Gold]

20. Well, if they wanta see a real "neutron drip". . . . . n/t

[zbdent]

15. I thought it was palindumassium ...

where the element is so dense it causes brain damage to anyone near it ... resulting freepertoidisis ...

[derby378]

16. Well, sarahpalinium IS rather dense...

Just take a look at that bizarre nucleus. :hi:

[zbdent]

18. and that nucleus attracts pressitrons and newsitrons ...

it's a strange molecule ... it tries to both attract AND repel pressitrons and newsitrons ...

edited to add:

and it emits Foxtons ... pronounced "Fauxtons" ...

[derby378]

22. Fauxtons!!

Nicely done! When fauxtons interact with television signals, they produce billoreillons - very dangerous, indeed, unless exposed to loofahnium!

[zbdent]

23. actually, billoreillons are, in and of themselves, harmless ...

however, combined with moraniums and freeptardiums, they can bring down the top floors of the U.N. building ...

[derby378]

24. Not to mention hyping a fake "War on Christmas"

:hi:

[madamesilverspurs]

27. Oh, please please please

can I have a fauxton torpedo? Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeeze?

[zbdent]

28. sorry ... I had to use the tube of the last one to bury Sarah Palin's credibility

"at sea", so to speak ...

[peacetalksforall]

17. I didn't see GOP - I only saw scientists + new + element and I clicked.

I don't follow much about Sarah, her family, her fame - but I got enough to enjoy every scientific statement of findings. Brilliant!

[derby378]

21. Glad you liked it!

:hi:

[mindwalker_i]

25. What are the excited states of this new element?

I really have to wonder, what are the exceited stated of this new element like? Do the peons jump to higher orbits when they absorb photons, and will any regular photon do or does it have to be a special maverick photon? Another key question that should be answered as soon as possible is how long it takes to decay back into its ground state. It may take the regular 10^-6 seconds like ordinary matter, but I suspect that it will be discovered to be a metastable material, taking more like 10^-3 or possibly ~10^3 seconds (roughly the length of a standard press conference) to decay. This would make it possible to create a laser from s.p.ium. That might explain the breif, but intense and focused beams of monochromatic bullshit that have swept the country from time to time.

It's worth investigating further.

[derby378]

30. I think the peons somehow oscillate the youbetchatrons

Especially that little Trig peon. Sometimes it affects the nucleus more than the Todd peon. And it certainly gives the nordstrons something else to do...

[Tab]

26. Sadly, a variation on an older element

 

A New Element - Governmentium

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named 'Governmentium.' Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years in America*; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

* In other countries the half-life can be different, for example in the UK it can be up to 5 years.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

[derby378]

29. I still like mine better

The whole nation gets sarahpalinium in their stockings for Christmas! (God help us all...)

[earth mom]

31. I was just about to bookmark this to read later...

::spray:

[grantcart]

33. very funny and well done

[Piewhacket]

34. FunNYYY.! Sorry I missed the rec. Morons, peons, freepons, whackons... what a collection!

:rofl: