My Gay Marriage Story

[dogpatch]

To my dear DU and everyone who has been yelling at each other on this board about gay marriage for the last week -- please remember, as the emotions swirl around, that it's not just a political football or intellectual question about the state and civil unions, but is something that touches the most intimate parts of millions of people's lives. In the short minutes I'm sneaking away from work to write this I will not be able to do the subject justice, but I think in all the flaming posts some of us are forgetting that we're talking about real people with really vulnerable feelings. So please bear with this long post...

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We both come from very stable families for whom marriage and commitment is a core value, and yet we've always known that we were not allowed a seat at that particular table. So in some way, even as we bless and support the marriages of our parents and siblings and best friends and have stayed true and faithful to each other through good times and bad, we've always had to keep our hearts hardened against marriage as a possibility for us.

When Gavin Newsom decided SF (our town) should allow gay couples to marry, we were not among those hundreds of people who so joyously rushed forward, because we didn't trust it or believe it would stick, and because it seemed demeaning to wait outside City Hall in the rain while news crews treated the whole thing like a spectacle. But when the CA Supreme Court made their ruling that denying marriage rights to only some people is unconstitutional, we decided to quickly (before November) take advantage of the ruling and get married. We figured hey, after 10 years together, at least it's time for a big party.

Our families (which include some hard-right Republicans) and friends showed us unconditional support and turned out for a full weekend of festivities capped by a simple and joyous ceremony where the main theme was recognizing and sharing how much our families have taught us to love. It brought everyone closer together, and made our families and friends all a part of our relationship in a new way where we both feel so much more rooted and supported, like we've always heard how other people feel. And it turned out to be an experience much deeper than just a big party.

I can't describe how surreally wonderful it felt to walk into City Hall and be treated like a full citizen by the clerks, who handed us the marriage paperwork and some funny 1950s style family planning booklets and told us (to my great relief) that blood tests are no longer needed. And somewhere in that mundane transaction I realized how deeply I had pushing down feelings of inadequacy and even some self-loathing as a gay person, because I felt them as they rose up out of me and began to dissipate.

I had hoped those feelings would be gone forever, but sadly they came flooding back to me the morning after the jubilation of the Obama victory, when I saw that Prop 8 and the other hateful propositions in other states had passed. It made -- and makes -- me sick to my stomach to think that if we walked into City Hall today, there'd be no nice clerk to hand us the paperwork and the funny booklet, and that all throughout the country there are millions of people who otherwise would probably think I'm a perfectly nice person but that I have no fundamental right to my own family.

So on the core level I totally agree that marriage is basically a civil institution, and it is absolutely repugnant to me that the state would have anything to do with "sanctifying" my union. But I've discovered that this whole thing is about something deeper and more emotional than the pragmatics. My partner and I have a house, investments, a dog, life insurance policies, and powers of attorney to ensure we have access to each other in case of medical emergencies. We didn't need to get married to necessarily safeguard those things, because over the years we've gone out and spent a bunch of money on lawyers to do a lot of extra paperwork.

But we did need to get married to complete the circle that includes our families and our friends, that makes us feel like we are fully realized, fully human, fully able to claim ourselves as a family. I would never have thought that until we went through this experience, but there it is. If I hadn't had this right recognized, I'm not sure I'd know how much it hurts to have it taken away again.

[mitchtv]

1. I'll be wanting a refund on my license

If we lose . We, like you waited til June to get married, after all we had wited 37 years do far, we even got a few gifts and cards. I am so full of hate right now

[antigone382]

4. I won't even insult you to say that I understand the hatred you are feeling.

I have never suffered the overt societal oppression that you are suffering right now. As a woman I feel personally violated by events, such as yesterday's reports of the stoning to death of a thirteen-year-old rape victim in Somalia, but it isn't quite the same. Your intrinsic rights as a human are nothing more than a political football to people within your own, immediate community. It is not within my rights to tell you not to hate them for the ways that they disrespect and violate you.

However, it seems to me that these people--so choked by their own ignorance and hatred--are victims of something that is in a sense far deeper and sadder than the oppression they redirect onto you. Their fear betrays a deep individual insecurity that you and I do not suffer from. They can publicly deny you your rights, but they cannot take away your knowledge that these ARE your rights, and they cannot prevent you from continuing to insist on those rights being recognised. There is incredible power in that, even if it doesn't seem to be the case at this time. I believe that if we do not give in to despair or hatred, but continue to appeal to what is reasonable and compassionate in the human race, our victory is inevitable. To truly achieve worldwide justice, equality, and fellowship, our only hope lies in the enlightenment and redemption of at least some of the people who consider us their enemies.

I hope I haven't come off as condescending or dismissive of anyone's rage, frustration, and sadness over what has happened in California and several other states. I know it is painful for so many people to work so hard to hold onto the beacon of justice that was California's recognition of marriage equality, only to see it extinguished anyway. But better times will come if we maintain our dedication, commitment, and patience.

[Maat]

6. Shannon Minter is as certain as can be that the marriages in the last six months will NOT be ..

overturned. I listened to him on the Michelangelo Signorile show today; he's a very savvy legal eagle.

He argued the case before the California Supreme Court, and will be arguing before the Court again (to get rid of Prop 8).

Information at www.nclrights.org. More information at www.lambdalegal.org.

Take heart. We have excellent legal experts on our side.

In Solidarity,

[Marrah_G]

22. I'm so sorry Mitch

My heart breaks for you both.

[antigone382]

2. I am so sorry.

Nothing else I can say. I voted against a similar amendment in TN four years ago, to no avail.

Even if my voice would have been outweighed, I wish I could have been in Cali to vote against this one as well.

[Starry Messenger]

3. That was beautiful. Thank you.

I have tears in my eyes now. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I hope it will be widely read.

[Starry Messenger]

5. kick n/t

[Maat]

7. Thanks SO much for so beautifully putting down your story.

OUR family supports you.

In Solidarity and Friendship,

[dogpatch]

8. thanks you guys

Even though I don't post too much, DU has been my virtual home for the last 7 or 8 years and I'm really appreciative of everyone's passion on the issues, just feel a little sensitive on this one as you can see.

[TygrBright]

9. Thank you for giving us that view. We DO lose sight of human realities...

...in the issues and ideals.

You convey the sense of wonder and joy at the feelings of inadequacy, etc. rising up and going away, very eloquently. I think many people have experienced something similar when they've overcome a challenge or surmounted a great obstacle.

Please believe this: I will never stop fighting for the rights of you and my sister and my friends and other family members to have every support our society gives to every pair of consenting adults who commit to one another for the long haul. Never. You matter to me. The inability of my society to protect you from the hate and bigotry of fearful and narrow-minded fellow-citizens is a deep shame to me.

Here's what I want: I want that exact feeling of the shadow lifting I felt last Tuesday as I realized that America had taken one more step away from ignorance and hate and bigotry.

I could get addicted to that feeling.

We have many, many steps to go to leave that behind.

I'm not gonna stop pushing to take them.

That said, let me use this space to make another point-- NOT related to your story, dogpatch.

It's easy to say that while some people are oppressed, no one is free-- and that lifting that priority should be our first, overwhelming priority until it is accomplished. That it should receive the lion's share of our attention and our effort and our commitment, and that anything less is a failure.

I cannot fault the validity of such rhetoric-- it is unquestionably 'right' on many levels.

Nor do I speak in favor of going meekly back to the second-class seats and twiddling our thumbs hoping that the nice people in the majority will finally get around to doling out basic human rights.

But may I point out that great struggles on the national level are not won solely by the level of single-minded passion and commitment of a fiery few? That passion lights the way, but until there are millions, who might not be quite as passionately and furiously and single-mindedly focused on the prize, walking along in solidarity, change does not happen. Nothing demonstrates this as clearly as the campaign that just won the US Presidency.

You do not gather those millions to your light by directing your passion at blame-fixing, villain-finding, enemy-listing, and accusing others of not caring just because they have many competing priorities and do not choose to emphasize the same ones in the same way with the same level of commitment that you feel about yours. That offers the oppressors their most effective tool to avoid change: fomenting division among those who should be in solidarity; alienating empathy by emphasizing the hostility and negativity of your tactics; and further marginalizing you.

It's time for all of that to end here on DU, where we cherish a fundamental commitment to human rights for everyone. Differences in our priorities and views on tactics and how to advance agendas competing for resources and attention will always be here, but we do not tolerate denial of human rights, blatant homophobia, or hate-mongering. We are Democrats. Our very fundamental identity as Democrats embraces differences in priorities, in what we care about the most, in our views on how to accomplish things and even what should be accomplished when.

But we all agree that basic human rights for everyone is ultimately a non-negotiable demand. We must agree to discuss our differences in how to approach this goal with respect for one another.

We must, above all, deny those who would incite hate and division among us to fail in their attempts to diminish the power of our community.

Sorry, dogpatch. I don't mean to hijack your thread. And the rant is emphatically not directed at you. But it's been brewing a while and sometimes I lose control of my fingers... they just live a life of their own.

humbly,
Bright

[dogpatch]

10. shameless kick

Especially after that recent post suggesting gays should wait to be able to marry until polygamists can. That's the really hurtful kind of stuff I was trying to address in my post and Tyger's talking about above.

[tavalon]

19. That's absurd, not because polygamists (or polyamorists as those of us not mormon call ourselves)

don't want that fundamental right but because we've known from the beginning that we would and should wait until gays have opened the door. We don't want to jeopardize their chance and more selfishly, we want to sneak in through the door left open.

[RedLetterRev]

11. My partner and I share your grief

We will have been together 13 years this coming February though some pretty amazing circumstances. We haven't yet been availed marriage, but I can imagine the shock at having something so basic suddenly taken away.

All we're asking for is human dignity. That's all. For all the love and effort we put into making a home and a life together, basic recognition is not too much to ask.

In NC, we don't even have the chance, but we're working toward it. My partner and I will be attending a demonstration in solidarity with you, our brothers and sisters in California, this Saturday. I hope you can feel our love and support. If we can get you back on your feet, then work on Florida and Arkansas, then maybe in time the rest of us will have our chance at the table, too. It's going to take all of us, all of the time, one thing at a time.

But right now, we're sending hugs and love your way. It's not over. Not by a long shot, my friends. :hug:

[dogpatch]

12. Hugs right back to at you!

I think we Californians have been somewhat self-focused while all around the country it's even harder. At least we got the chance to have that City Hall and I do have confidence that our state Supreme Court will have to stick to its previous ruling. So I'm sending love and support back your way and will be with you in spirit on Saturday!

[Batgirl]

13. I don't know why your particular story has affected me emotionally, like I might actually

cry. Shit.
There's no question in my mind that sexual orientation should have no bearing on the right of adults to be able to marry partners of their own choosing.
So of course I felt the passage of Prop 8 was infuriating and stupid. But your post really conveys what a horribly sad and abusive thing this is to put people through.

[Sabriel]

14. Kick for my sister

Married (then unmarried by Oregon) to her best friend since 2004, together since 1985.

I called her to say I was sorry, and she mentioned that the Prop 8 decision brought back all the horrid feelings they had when Oregon voided their marriage.

[KitchenWitch]

15. My 'traditional' family supports you and all GLBT rights.

I am so sorry for the pain.

Just know this issue has gotten my life partner (I will not call him my husband until this is rectified) and I off our asses and into the streets, along with our 7 year old daughter.

[FlyingSquirrel]

16. k/r

[RedLetterRev]

17. Morning kick

This story needs to be read. A lot.

[tpsbmam]

18. K&R Thank you SOOOOOO much for your exquisite post! n/t

[Ohio Joe]

20. K&R - nt

[letmebefrank]

21. My first post - Thoughts on this topic

Hello - I have been lurking for 4 years, an official member for a little over a week, and grateful to this community beyond words that I can even think of using. This topic is very close to me as a gay man who's been in a stable loving relationship for 10-1/2 years. My partner and I have raised a son that he adopted (distant relative), who against all of the right-side's preconceived "odds" is now a freshman at Northwestern University, and is an amazing, stable, intelligent young man. And guess what - he's even straight - believe it or not!!

I hear a lot of pro-gay-marriage talk on this board, and although the idea obviously does appeal to me, I am uncomfortable or perhaps pessimistic about the way it's being done. My partner and I have experienced - a couple of times, problems that have arisen due to not being "legally married", for example not being able to sign paperwork at the hospital. But by and large we have lived together very comfortably in our western Chicago-Suburban WASPY setting. We don't feel like second-class citizens, but we are aware of the bigoted feelings toward us in certain circumstances. Our son went to a private, Catholic school, and believe it or not the people of the church community were, for the most part, very positive toward us. We actually made alot of great friends, and felt welcome at the different functions, whether they were school or church orientated. Now that is not to say that we didn't experience a degree of whispering behind our backs, but overall we never felt uncomfortable.

My trepidation toward "gay marriage" is a personal feeling that just the very TERM "gay marriage" is a large part of the problem in terms of moving our agenda forward. To me, what we really are seeking is equal treatment of our "union" in the eyes of the state and federal government. I feel that the term "marriage" conveys too much of a religious connotation, when in fact the actual "marriage" does not fulfill the need. In fact, many people do not realize that even gay couples who are married under California, or Massachusetts law, do NOT avail themselves of marriage-based rights under federal law. It's seems a quaint title that has been given to bless certain unions, but it lacks the substance.

On top of that, we have to realize that huge changes such as this are generally won by a series of small battles. This is not something that is going to change overnight. Yes the momentum has picked up over the past 5 to 10 years, there is no denying that. Amazing efforts have been made, and will continue to be. But I really think just the term "GAY MARRIAGE" is actually setting back our efforts of gaining the state and federal protections that are actually at the heart of the matter. In other words, if we were fighting for "CIVIL UNIONS" instead of "GAY MARRIAGE", would this not undermine the arguments and negative feelings of many of the people who currently do not support "gay marriage"?

I'm not sure if ANYTHING can whip the right wing evangelicals (and, mormons, apparently) into a frenzy faster than "Gay Marriage". Fighting for this "blessing" of our unions is actually setting back the true battle, which is (or in my mind should be) the rights that a federally or state-recognized Civil Union would convey. Furthermore, isn't "marriage" a religious ceremony? And are there not currently certain religions that will perform a gay "marriage ceremony" (however worthless in terms of civil rights or protections)?

I'm sure many will disagree with me. I just feel that we should completely get away from the fight for "gay marriage" and move ahead with a battle for protection of civil unions. The longer we insist on calling it "marriage" - the longer we have to wait for the true rewards of equal rights and protection under the law.

[dogpatch]

23. regarding the nomenclature

First of all, welcome to DU and thanks for the thoughtful response.

Second, I have been and probably still am inclined to agree with you about the word "marriage" being the hot button. Strategically if we could get equal marriage rights nation-wide under the rubrick "civil union" that would be better than pushing for something purely on a semantic level and possibly succeeding in a few places but failing in others.

As I said, I know we are very privileged in California and I think we actually will likely prevail due to our Supreme Court, but I know the climb is so much steeper in other states and we need to be strategic and mindful of how hard it is for folks in less progressive states.

Having said that as a realist/cynic and a staunch advocate of separation of church and state, it was really surprising and eye-opening to have gone through an actual marriage process complete with the paperwork and the ceremony etc, and see how much power the word "marriage" brought to the whole thing. The incredibly deep reaction of our parents and extended families and friends, their newfound sense that the two sides of the family are now one, the amazing support we are gettting -- I think some of that was triggered by the use of the conventional term and concept "marriage" and I'm not sure "civil union" would have done quite the same thing.

So that's what I was getting at in my post above, with the hope that well-meaning people involved in the arguments -- here at DU and other places -- take into consideration how emotionally close to the bone this cuts for a lot of people.

Again, if a change in the nomenclature alone would be enough to ensure the rights of more people then I would support that, but now I realize that it would still -- somewhere very deep down -- carry a sting that has less to do with pragmatics than emotions. I feel kind of weird and wimpy saying it but it's really true.

[bullwinkle428]

24. Thank you for this beautiful contribution. I hope all of those

still with "reservations" regarding the idea of gay marriage, use this as an opportunity to take a long, hard look at their own personal prejudices...there's really no other way to describe that.