Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

[smokey nj]

WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition: gift-shopping for his favorite holiday, 9/11.

"I looked at the calendar yesterday, and I couldn't believe my eyes—9/11 is almost here!" a rosy-cheeked Cheney said upon returning to the White House Sunday with two giant bags overflowing with gift-wrapped boxes and big red bows. "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

While Cheney is known by many to be cold and taciturn for the other 11 months of the year, those close to the vice president say there is something about the 9/11 season that puts a smile on his face and a spring in his step. Each Sept. 11 morning since 2001, Cheney has come to work donning a fireman costume and handed out small, thoughtful gifts to all White House staffers. In addition, at his home on 9/11 Eve, Cheney lays out large piles of presents for his children and grandchildren underneath the colorfully lit, six-foot-tall 9/11 towers that he sets up by the fireplace.

"I think I've outdone myself this year—I bought the president a box of cigars and a brand-new fountain pen, I got Condoleezza a beautiful blue blazer, and for my wife I bought a diamond necklace, a new winter coat, and this neat little motorized airplane ornament to hang on the 9/11 towers," Cheney told reporters while perusing the windows of New York's famed Park Avenue shops. "And for Samuel I bought about a million toys and games and 9/11 nutcrackers. I probably went a little bit overboard, but it's his first 9/11, and I want it to be as special as my first 9/11." <snip>

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/cheney_waits_until_last_minute

[Wiley50]

1. Oh Fuck, Paula! As usual The Onion is way too close to real n/t

[smokey nj]

4. They certainly nailed it with this one.

[Berry Cool]

2. Gotta love the Onion.

I wonder if Cheney believes the mirthless liberals have unfairly declared a War on 9/11. And gets mad when store clerks make reference to "that horrible day" rather than wishing him a Happy 9/11.

On edit: I'm just wondering. With Cheney's kids being grown, do they still believe that Rudy Giuliani really comes down the chimney every year on 9/11 Eve and leaves them smoldering piles of rubble?

[smokey nj]

3. Rudy's the 9/11 elf who sprinkles toxic dust on sleeping children.

If the children aren't sleeping when he arrives, Rudy the elf has Bernie Kerik beat them unconscious with a billy club and then sprinkles the toxic dust.

[victoryparty]

6. Cheney catharsis

Before JSM made SLP his VP choice, I wrote a column about some other dark-horse possibilities. It was kind of humorous and barbed and pointed, but when I got to the punchline, I couldn't make it funny. The punchline, you see, was supposed to be that Dick Cheney bumped someone off McCain's short list and told JSM what was what, just as he did with Bush.

But I found myself thinking about Dick Cheney's time as VP instead. Something came over me, something cathartic. I wrote from some strange place where thoughts become words without the writer even thinking about what to write. It's all literary device, of course, but it is rather odd that I overheard two people in separate circumstances say "Abraham Lincoln" the next day within an hour of leaving home.

The VP process selection is over (unless a scandal henceforth unforeseen emerges), but I would still like to share the stuff about Cheney here. Scroll to No. 5 if you just want to read the Cheney stuff, but I do have to say that in all honesty, two of my first four joke choices would have been better than Palin. I'll leave it up to you to comment on who they are, but I hope it's pretty obvious.


Meanwhile, here's the link:
http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/1205375-dick-cheney

[Liberal In Texas]

5. You know, I love the "Onion".

But

I wish DUers would stop posting the headlines (subject OP's) like it was a true source they've found on the web or something they've written. At least give us a warning in the subject line ... ala, =from the Onion...like that.

It's just sensational crap, and the people that post it know it.

With all the Palin nonsense, who can discern truth from fiction anyway?

[victoryparty]

7. oops, meant to reply to this thread on Cheney

Before JSM made SLP his VP choice, I wrote a column about some other dark-horse possibilities. It was kind of humorous and barbed and pointed, but when I got to the punchline, I couldn't make it funny. The punchline, you see, was supposed to be that Dick Cheney bumped someone off McCain's short list and told JSM what was what, just as he did with Bush.

But I found myself thinking about Dick Cheney's time as VP instead. Something came over me, something cathartic. I wrote from some strange place where thoughts become words without the writer even thinking about what to write. It's all literary device, of course, but it is rather odd that I overheard two people in separate circumstances say "Abraham Lincoln" the next day within an hour of leaving home.

The VP process selection is over (unless a scandal henceforth unforeseen emerges), but I would still like to share the stuff about Cheney here. Scroll to No. 5 if you just want to read the Cheney stuff, but I do have to say that in all honesty, two of my first four joke choices would have been better than Palin. I'll leave it up to you to comment on who they are, but I hope it's pretty obvious.


Meanwhile, here's the link:
http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/1205375-dick-...

[smokey nj]

10. Thanks for the link.

I agree that Cheney will be pulling strings if McCain wins. I liked the Bob Dole suggestion, they could campaign together as the "Viagra Boys".

[spiderpig]

8. Many a truth is spoken in jest.

K&R
What a ghoul. (Cheney, not smokey nj)

[bdamomma]

9. kick

[Breeze54]

11. "there is something about the 9/11 season that puts a smile on his face"

I can't even laugh at that... it's so frigging true!!

I LOVE The Onion! :P

:kick: & recommended!

:hug: to smokey nj!

[ralps]

12. K & R LOL

:hi: :loveya: :hug: :pals: :woohoo: :rofl:

[Graybeard]

13. This is the Cheney I know, big time.

The smirk, the chuckles. Oh how I hate these people.