I'm going to educate you about Texas

[Horse with no Name]

:rofl: This was too good to pass up!

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows in Texas, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls in Texas, it’ll bite cha.

“Onced” and “twiced” are words.



It is NOT a shopping cart. It’s a buggy.

“Fixinto” is one word.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals. You start drinking it when you’re two and we like a little tea with our sugar.

The word “jeet” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

“No. Chew?” is a common response to the question “Did you bring any beer.”

All the festivals are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You know what a “dawg” is.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages for local gossip and motorsports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit “a bit warm.”

You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as “good chili weather.”

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

That’s really Texas!

[midnight]

1. How about used to could?

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

28. It's pronounced Ustakud.

We tease of my mom (from Alabama) about that all the time.

[saigon68]

32. When I was in the war

I knew a guy from Oklahoma (They don't like Texans)

Every time he took a shit he would scream

Here I sit my cheeks a Flexin

About to make another Texan.

[Jamastiene]

45. Back in the day, you used to could buy

beer at 18 years old.

This could just as easily be about North Carolina too. :rofl:
:popcorn:

[calimary]

2. Oh my!

Quite a place, that one.

Funny, though! :headbang:

[cloudbase]

3. A few more.

For every opening in a house or machine, there is an insect in Texas that will fit perfectly.
It's never too cold to fire up the smoker.
Barbecue is not a verb.
Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
You've got to know how to pronounce Mexia, Palestine, Refugio and Waxahachie.

[loves_dulcinea]

7. ray-foo-hee-oh n/t

[cloudbase]

26. You win!

Anything off the top shelf.

[barbtries]

68. i had that wrong,

but i won lunch from my son while we were driving through texas over the pronunciation of amarillo.

[Horse with no Name]

8. You forgot Bexar County

That's always a favorite.:rofl:

On edit:
I almost forgot Bogata.

[cloudbase]

27. Forgot that one.

I'm glad that one of us is thinking!

Might as well add Eldorado, since that's been in the new lately.

[Ilsa]

34. Wocks''-a-hat-chee, Meh-hay''-uh, Re-fyur''-ee-oh (I live nearby), nt

[Blue_In_AK]

36. PalestEEn, that would be. n/t

[Manifestor_of_Light]

39. Don't forget Marquez, in Leon County.

Pronounced Mar-'kay.

San Jacinto = Saan Juh-sin-toe.

[Horse with no Name]

72. I went to a street dance in Marquez many years ago

I really don't remember much...but this guy called me for a month afterwards...:rofl:

[timtom]

49. How about these?

Pedernales Falls: Perd'nales

Manchaca: Man-chack

[melody]

4. LMAO!

My favorite Texanism not listed was my Texan father's "Skome"

Which is what he would call out to us when we were at a friend's house and he wanted us to accompany him home.

[TomInTib]

5. "Tumped over"

"Daddy was drunk and tumped over the garbage can on his way out the driveway. We're gonna drive to town, d'rectly and get him outta jail."

on edit: We also know the correct way to respond to "Howdy".

"Fine, howboutchew?"

[bbinacan]

6. Texas Pete is made in NC.

Ironic isn't it?

[supernova]

10. Hee Hee!

:rofl: Good one. :thumbsup:

[Goodnevil]

9. I lived in Dallas for 16 years

and your version of Texas is only the rapidly shrinking rural parts of Texas. Where I lived was basically a very closed-minded, conforming suburban hell full of Yupnecks (I'm not sure if I've coined that word but if not so be it) and wanna-be materialistic cowboys driving F150's and Escalades. There's a mall on every single freakin' corner and if there's trees and open land they'll bulldoze the bejeezus out of it.

Imagine a massively conservative L.A. with Stetson hats.

I find no reason to glorify the Texas that once was and no longer is. The Texas that once embraced freedom and individuality now embraces conformity and religious fanaticism. I watched Austin (once a freewheeling hippy town) turn into an epicenter of McMerica right in front of my eyes.

It ain't quaint, they don't ride horses, and if you have an ounce of free thought you just aren't welcome in 90% of Texas.

[Horse with no Name]

13. Well Bless Your Heart

:rofl:

[Goodnevil]

16. Bah

if I had a nickel every time I heard that.

[bmbmd]

19. How 'bout this one, then?

"Don't let the back door hit ya where the good Lord split ya".

[Goodnevil]

20. The good lord didn't split me

The good lady did.

I rest my case. That's one of those good natured barbs the "cordial" Texans would throw my way. Made me want to roast a marsh mellow on the ashes of Dallas.

You can't actually tell them F you, because they're smiling when they tell you to go sod off and die.

[EFerrari]

40. I had a boyfriend in Dallas for a while and we usedta go see his folks

in Benham. That part of the country didn't seem to be shrinking up to me. :)

[girl gone mad]

14. My neighbors still ride horses..

and the only political sign within ten miles is a giant "Obama: Yes We Can!" banner along the highway.

I'm in the "conservative" N. Dallas suburbs.

Yes, a lot of middle class Boomers moved to Austin and Dallas from overpriced CA, NY, etc. and have changed things for the worse. The materialism you speak of exists throughout America, but it won't last forever because the demographic and social changes that are sweeping the country are fueled by young people who have a vastly different definition of success than their parents did.

[Goodnevil]

15. I lived in Plano and Frisco

and can't imagine where that banner might be unless you're talking about Dallas proper? Where do you live and on what highway and what exit is that banner on?

Do you live in Denton?

[crispini]

24. See, you did NOT live in Dallas

You lived in suburbia. Anywhere, USA.

I live in Dallas, and we are DEMOCRATIC down here, baybay! :woohoo:

[EFerrari]

41. Where is this Frisco you speak of?

[Ishoutandscream2]

53. Frisco is another bedroom suburb of Dallas

Fairly lily white, conservative, McMansions. Just like Plano, and Rockwall, and McKinney, and on and on. The sameness can be quite frightening. It certainly the Texas I didn't grow up in in the 60's and 70's.

[Goodnevil]

62. It's not the Texas

I knew even when my family moved there from the suburbs of Washington D.C. in the early 1990's.

I know that Dallas itself is Democrat but the vast majority of political and economic power is held outside of that town in the burbs. Same thing in Houston and Austin.

I can understand if people love Texas still. The Hill Country is beautiful and full of some really spiritual and awesome people...my experience was badly tainted by North Texas though...so much so that I moved my family to Hot Springs, Arkansas last year.

[moc]

58. One of my students called Frisco "almost Oklahoma" :-)

[EFerrari]

60. Why do TX and OK not like each other?

I don't get it! :)

[moc]

61. I'm probably not the best source of info because even though I grew

up here, I never shared the anti-OK sentiments. There is a huge rivalry between UT-Austin and OU in sports, but since I grew up an Aggie (Texas A&M) that has a huge UT-Austin rivalry, there was a little bit of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" thing going on, perhaps.

[Goodnevil]

63. An AGGIE DEM?

Those exist? They didn't kill you when you were born?

[moc]

79. LOLOL! I was a Carter supporter in 1980, when I was a freshman at A&M.

Yes, it was lonely. :-)

My parents were both faculty there, and as you know, faculty everywhere tends to lean left.

[Horse with no Name]

78. You ought to hang out in Dallas on Texas-OU weekend

:rofl:
I say this as someone who lives in Texas but attends OU.:rofl:

Here is an example:

One day God and St. Peter are walking around Heaven. God points down to this little piece of paradise and says, "You see that? Thats Texas. I gave them the prettiest girls, the most hansom men. They have enough natural resources to run their own country. I allowed thier government to place the national Space program in Texas. The state is so big that you can drive all day and still be in the wonderful state."

St. Peter replied, "Lord, don't you think that making one spot on earth so wonderful might throw off the balance of the planet?"

God simply looked at Peter and replied, "NAH, I balanced it out. You should see the idiots I put around them in New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana.


Here is another:
Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis

Here is another:

This man from the Northeast moved to Texas when his company closed and relocated, and from the first he was struck by the prominence of state flags everywhere, and how Texans were constantly bragging about their history and culture.

The northerner found his new Texas co-workers friendly as hell, far as that goes. From the start, in fact, they had invited him to join them each afternoon after work when they would have a few co'beers at a nearby bar. Still, they would rib him a lot with talk about The Alamo, San Jacinto, Travis, Bowie and Crockett, Hood's Texas Brigade... and yankee jokes of course.

Anyway, after a few months or so, it got to irritating him and, finally, one Friday afternoon, the yankee lost his temper and cut in: "You damn Texans think you guys were created on Day One! There are heroes up where I come from too, you know," he rejoined.

The Texans looked at each other, baffled a bit.

"Like who?" one of the Lone Star boys finally asked.

"Like Paul Revere, THAT'S WHO," the yankee replied smugly.

After a bit more confusion among the Texans, one of them snapped his fingers in recognition of the name and replied:

"Oh yeah! Wasn't he that feller who ran out of the house in the middle of the night hollerin' for help?"

[EFerrari]

86. LOL!

:rofl:

[EFerrari]

42. Every generation says that until they have to keep their kids in shoes.

lol

[lonestarnot]

21. Fookin yuck!

[N4457S]

23. Yeah...

...we lived in Frisco and then Plano for about nine years and that's exactly how it was.

Then it was four and half years in Los Angeles and now East Bay. We have public sector jobs now and we're likely here forever.

[Ilsa]

35. That's a good description.

It's hard to find a place to hunt here, or fish without pulling mercury out of the water. Dallas is so "keeping-up-with-the-joneses" that it is sickening.

[ceile]

75. Dallas sucks.

So you got off on the wrong foot right there. And you're wrong about Austin-sure it's not what it used to be (all pot smoking and patchuli wearing), but it's still the best place to live in TX. As far as your last sentence goes: "It ain't quaint, they don't ride horses, and if you have an ounce of free thought you just aren't welcome in 90% of Texas." :eyes:

[Bigmack]

11. Try to find "Texas Crude"....

by Ken Weaver... with illustrations by R. Crumb.

Outstanding Texas-isms.

"Dry as a popcorn fart."

"Raining like a tall cow pissing on a flat rock."

"Mokus"... an unspecified illness.

"Quick as corn thru a goose."

[datasuspect]

12. drunker than a road lizard

drunker than cooter brown

[Goodnevil]

17. Crazier than a three eyed flea

or a peach orchard boar.

[Cleita]

18. Don't forget that

chicken fried steaks and grits are a sacrament. When I went to Texas it was the cuisine that they ate when not eating TexMex.

[timtom]

50. Now, THAT's my kinda cuisine.

There was a place on the drag in Austin that served a sandwich: chicken fried steak with cheese and jalapenos on a bun. DEE-lish.

And my wife makes great chicken fried steak.

Grits is not universal in Texas. Up in caprock country, they don't seem to like them much.

[KamaAina]

70. Even Texas is making some tentative steps toward eating light

thus, the advent of chicken-fried chicken! Not to be confused with fried chicken, mind you.

[limit18]

22. Is "bar ditch" only spoken in Texas?

[Paladin]

25. I Guess It's Better To Have People Laughing At Texas......

....as opposed to spitting on it, as so often the case here at DU......

[Ishoutandscream2]

69. How true, how true

But there are a couple of spitters on this thread as well. It's sad the hate some people have.

[ceile]

73. Very true. n/t

[Sundoggy]

83. As long as they don't come down here n/t

[PDJane]

29. I have to admit my favourite was the gentleman

who informed us, when asked if he could get the part and come fix the car in situ, as it were, replied "aayuh, I 'spose I coulda mighta oughta do that."

I also watched my hostess in Texas pull that steel magnolia thing to retrieve my luggage. That was actually a lesson and a half. Canadians do various kinds of polite in those circumstances, and that can be a treat, but I'd never ever seen sweet done quite that way, and I'd never heard darlin' said so often with such nuance.

[cloudbase]

30. Some of those gals can make the word

"shit" sound like it has four or five syllables.

[jeffreyi]

31. Remember this one?

I saw it in a Stephen King short story several years ago...a restroom graffitum he saw somewhere

Here I sits, cheeks a flexin'
Giving birth to another Texan

[silverlib]

33. The funniest and crudest one I have heard...

A friend of mine talking about a "guy" she dated - "He has less sex drive than a dead possum on the side of the road."

[Name removed]

37. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[KatyMan]

44. "Retard"

is not a word we use on this board.

But maybe the Texans you have a problem with are all the Michiganers who moved to Texas in the 80s? There used to be bumper stickers that said 'Will the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights'.

Another great Texanism is "fixin' to get ready to"...Love that one

[TheMightyFavog]

47. Sounds like somone's about to order a pizza.

:nuke:

[RB TexLa]

38. I do hope everyone understands, many people here do speak properly.

[Fumesucker]

43. Matchbox :

A coffin for a Texan that's had the shit kicked out of him.. :)

[Jamastiene]

46. ...

:spray:

[HowHasItComeToThis]

56. OR HAD AN ENEMA

[Sundoggy]

64. Yankee

A term for someone who feels nice and safe insulting Texans from thousands of miles away.

Tell me, why is this OK? Do you really feel that way about Texans?

[Fumesucker]

77. I'm far from being a "Yankee"..

As was pointed out, Oklahomans and Texans have little love for each other..

It's the same way with Virginia and North Carolina and more than a few other pairs of states.

Q: Why do all the trees in Georgia lean West?

A: Alabama sucks.


Q: What does a 13 year old Alabama girl say after sex?

A: Get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes.

[nichomachus]

48. All I know about Texas

I learned in 1973 during the petroleum "shortage." People in the Northeast were suffering terribly. People couldn't get enough gas to get to work. People were struggling financially to simply heat their homes. I had to drop out of grad school because you had to sit in line for two hours just to get 10 gallons of gas -- so I couldn't work, wait in line for gas, and still drive to school. Many people had to quit their jobs.

And on the nightly news, they were showing grinning moon-faced Texas assholes yee-hawing around in Cadillacs with bumper stickers that said "Let them freeze in the dark."

I decided then: "Fuck Texas and Fuck Texans" and I've pretty much stuck to that ever since.

[bmbmd]

51. John Steinbeck said it best, I guess.

"Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession. Above all, Texas is a nation in every sense of the word. And there’s an opening convey of generalities. A Texan outside of Texas is a foreigner."

Hate all you want (seems to be in vogue 'round these parts) but I'll be a Texas through and through until the day I die.

[EFerrari]

66. I thought we were laughing with, not at?

:)

[Horse with no Name]

80. You do remember that I just live up the road a-piece from you

;)

[bmbmd]

82. Where yat?

Less getta coke.

(I know your work-you are a Texan and a scholar. I just didn't like that yahoo from Arkansas belittling us.)

[Sundoggy]

52. Response from a Texan

LOL, here's a point by point reply:

"A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road."

You're thinking of Arkansas. Here, that's an armadillo.

"There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas."

The only ones you need to worry about are the rattlers and the politicians.

"There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one’s seen before."

Yep. Plus a few dillies. Scorpions in the kitchen. Ever heard of a vinegaroon? Go Google it.

"If it grows in Texas, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls in Texas, it’ll bite cha."

Pretty much true.

'“Onced” and “twiced” are words.'

Here again, someone is thinking about Arkansas.

"It is NOT a shopping cart. It’s a buggy."

Here again, someone is thinking about Arkansas.

'“Fixinto” is one word.'

Here again, someone is thinking about Arkansas.

"Iced tea is appropriate for all meals. You start drinking it when you’re two and we like a little tea with our sugar."

Okay. Ya got us there.

'The word “jeet” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”'

Here again, someone is thinking about Arkansas. Have any of you actually BEEN to Texas?

"You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see."

Yep. And then we saddle up and ride home in our Priuses.

'“No. Chew?” is a common response to the question “Did you bring any beer.”'

Here again, someone is thinking about Arkansas. In Texas, the host provided plenty of beer.

"All the festivals are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal."

Ummmm.... yeah, OK.

'You know what a “dawg” is.'

Ah, yup.

"You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup."

Tabasco? Isn't that the stuff they put in diners up North for people who want to pretend they're living dangerously?

"The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages for local gossip and motorsports."

Unlike all other local papers in the country.

"You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday."

Again.... Arkansas.

'You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit “a bit warm.”'

Hey, with global warming, you'll be getting yours soon. And we're already acclimated.

"You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas."

Yeah, sure is a drag being able to do anything you want, any time, without worrying about the weather...

'You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as “good chili weather.”'

What Canadian wrote this? In Texas, there IS NO weather that is not good chili weather.

"Fried catfish is the other white meat."

What's a catfish?

"That’s really Texas!"

No.... that's really Arkansas.

Here's hoping my Arkansas friends have a sense of humor.

[Horse with no Name]

74. Sorry dude I live in Texas and have for the greater part of my life

and if it applies to AR...then it is ONLY because of the Texans that live there.:D

[lildreamer316]

76. DUZY!!!!

oh, I lurve it.

[Mudoria]

54. Sounds like a great place to live

[Goodnevil]

81. With much respect

to my DU friends who still live in TX and fight the good fight against the Republican Hordes, it is not a good place to live.

They've cut down all the trees to feed their cattle and there's only one natural lake in the whole state. There are very few rivers (only down south) and most of the cities are growing at such a rate that they'll either have to build a multi-billion dollar desalinization system from the gulf or all die like rats in the desert.

They have no state income tax so everything is funded locally. The result is that if a new school, hospital or park bench is built it will shoot your property taxes through the roof and you'll find the foreclosure man knocking on your door.

They can't change their laws unless they amend their constitution.

The air pollution in Houston and Dallas is nightmarish. I coughed for weeks after leaving. It's concrete for as far as the eye can see.

Nouveau riche Republican Californians moved there en masse in the 80's and 90's seeking a cheaper suburbia, fleeing from the liberal hordes in CA and changed the whole state forever. Might as well take off and nuke the whole site from orbit or roll in a few cannisters of CN20 and gas the whole freakin' nest. It's the only way to be sure.

[Sundoggy]

85. LOL please leave us West Texas!

Hey, we're liberals over here in the west! The rest of Texas doesn't even claim us.

[tjwash]

88. Texas utility bills suck too.

Especially electric. It's the only state I've seen where the power companies throw fuel charges and "just because they can charges" called riders on the bill after the usage and demand are billed, in effect doubling the bill.

[Goodnevil]

89. Naturally

It's THE Republican state. No government interference and anything goes. Corruption, usury, deregulation...these are state mottoes.

[EOTE]

55. Ketchup but no mustard?

I heard that Texans typically have their burgers with mustard only and call any burgers with ketchup and/or mayo "Yankee burgers".

[snooper2]

57. yep...and if you want barbecue, go to Kansas...

In Texas, we grill :) no sauce needed, dry rub baby!

[moc]

59. In Texas, if you ask for a "coke", they'll ask you what kind?

Coca Cola
Sprite
Big Red
etc etc

[14thColony]

67. That's common throughout the South

[Catherine Vincent]

84. I keep hearing that but that must be in small towns.

I'm in Houston and I've never had someone ask "what kind?"

[TahitiNut]

65. One word: "Everclear"

It's not just for breakfast anymore. :dunce:

[KamaAina]

71. "Much obliged"

anyone substituting that phrase for "thank you" is busted.

[Initech]

87. So for the 5,000 types of snakes, does that count the 7 oil company CEOs?