Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19 - 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24: 10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20: 14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Found at: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

[DaveinMD]

1. much of that

is from President Bartlett on a great episode of The West Wing.

[mcscajun]

4. Actually, it predates its use in The West Wing

Sorkin adapted the original letter slightly as he was quite impressed with the writing.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

The original writer was compensated for its use.
http://westwing.bewarne.com/second/25letter.html

[DaveinMD]

6. cool

thanks for that.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

2. A friend of mine, a fairly well known Canadian author, wrote a book

based on the premise that the United States bought Canada. Fiction, of course. But he spent years meticulously researching how much it would cost to pay each Canadian citizen X amount of dollars to "buy" the country and make it an American property. I read parts of the manuscript and it was a fascinating read. I begged him to publish it, just for the sake of an interesting novel, but at this point he has released other books but continues to sit on this one. Your post reminded me of this yet unpublished book. Hopefully I can one day talk him into having this book published.

[UTUSN]

3. Because Canadians aren't Mexicans? n/t

[mcscajun]

5. An Oldie but a Goodie.

Sorkin adapted the original letter slightly to use in a West Wing episode.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/drlaura.asp

The original writer was compensated for its use.
http://westwing.bewarne.com/second/25letter.html

[hsher]

7. I'm Jewish and Schlessinger is full of shit

>>Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

She's about as Orthodox as the pork platter at Sonny's BBQ eaten on Yom Kippur with Chinese oyster sauce dripping on top, slathered in cheese. If she were Hasid, first of all her head would be shaved, and she'd be wearing a wig on her brainless head. Second, she'd be dressed in a plain dark or dark gray dress with stockings. Third, her mouth would be shut because an outspoken smartaleck Hasid woman goes over in the community about as would a fresh brown turd in a Valentine's Day punchbowl. Plus, she apparently has never seen how many gay men populate the Orthodox population. There's an entire fetish attached to it.

This yachna needs to shut her fucking mouth. She has never spoken for the Jews and never will. Let her take her hate-filled book, shred it up and chew it in her next Christian Bible class. She's about as Jewish as the KKK and a secret sheygetz-fundie-wannabee. I bet she doesn't even keep a kosher kitchen and doesn't know which angle a mezuza is fixed to the doorjamb. Wannabee, wannabee.

Ick.

There are Hasidim in Israel who feel the way she does, but they get shouted down every year by the time the Tel Aviv Pride Day hits. File her under Foley and let's research how much labia she's munched secretly in her lifetime. What a sad day for women everywhere. Almost as sad as the night Schlessinger dons a disguise and goes trolling for young bois. That's sad for all lesbians.

G-D I can't stand Laura Schlessinger. My shiksehdar goes off around her. She's about as Jewish as the Mediterranean buffet at Saddam Hussein's palace.


www.yourmorningleibowitz.blogspot.com
The Daily Show as a comic strip

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

8. Sonny's BBQ???? I know where your'e from!

Great post!

[hsher]

9. Thanks!

Indeed yes, I spent some years in the south.
Sonny's BBQ!

(I never ate there... but it was ALWAYS crowded on Friday nights!)

[marshall]

10. We may not can own Canadians

But if you're Madonna you can jet off to Malawi and buy yourself an African baby. Angelina Jolie has made them so chic!

[Porcupine]

11. The Supreme Court says you can TOO own a Canadian!!!!

Just declare him or her an enemy combatant and a terrorist and they don't have any rights. You don't even have to PROVE anything. Just grab one off the streets, ship them to Syria for training and you have a handy Canadian slave er......terrorist. Toss em back when they get boring. We don't even have to apologize for taking their lives from them.






Can I get a blonde?

[kitty1]

12. You can own this Canuck, but I don't do windows.....n/t

[kitty1]

16. Actually, you've got to try fries dipped in liquid honey, good stuff

[Fuzz]

13. 'Cause you'd have to feed them French Fries with mayonnaise

and I can't have that kind of culinary fuck-up in my house, no way, no how! :D

[elare]

14. Not necessarily ...

some of us like Poutine (fries with cheese & gravy). Don't knock it till ya try it! (ditto for the fries with mayo ... it may sound nuts, but it tastes great!)

[Fuzz]

15. OMG!

;)