AP: Matrons demand postponement of Rapture until Fair judging complete.

[Poll_Blind]

Oregon, Aug. 4 (AP) - With tensions in the Middle East raising concerns of a biblical Apocalypse the Associated Press has learned that "The Rapture", an event directly preceding the end of the world, was actually scheduled for Monday of this week but was postponed at least until the end of summer. Pressure in the form of prayer, lobbying and even direct threats of physical and celestial violence put a last-minute kibosh on what sources say was going to be a "spectacular, world-conflagrating event the likes of which Humanity has never known."

  Esther Bentwhistle, a dark-horse hopeful in this year's "Lane County Fair" is busy canning peaches though most in her town of Springfield, Oregon, are still fast asleep this morning.

  "I think it was last Friday night. I had just finished placing a dozen jars of peppermint jelly in the pantry when the Angel Gabriel appeared and muttered something about the world ending Monday and to prepare my soul for eternal judgment. Well! First thing, I slapped him for addressing me while I was still in my house-dress but once I realized what this meant for my cinnamon and clove peaches I pinned him up against the door frame and told him that if he or his buddies decided to stop time, end humanity, but most-importantly, prevent my peaches from being judged at the Fair...well...that I'd make sure that Heaven would have Hell to pay!"

  She continues, "Margaret Shumble broke her canning-hand playing with her grandchild early on in the season. Once I heard that I knew I had a chance. And everyone knows that Cathy Charles, terror of the Women's Rotatry Cooking Club, has been hitting the cooking Sherry hard this year. After 2pm, she doesn't know her own ass from a cherry cobbler."

  "No! No, I told him. This is The Summer of Esther Bentwhistle and no-one and nothing is going to get between me and that blue ribbon. Nothing!"

  All over the United States, a Christian religion stronghold, the scene was repeated again and again.


PB
----------------------------------------
EDIT: COPYRIGHT. PLEASE POST ONLY 4 OR 5
PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COPYRIGHTED NEWS SOURCE
PER DU RULES.

[TomInTib]

1. This is the first thing I have read this morning.

I just woke up and my day is already made.

Thanks, PB.

[Poll_Blind]

5. Glad you enjoyed reading it- it was fun to write. I'm hoping to get it...

...onto the greatest page so more people have a chance to enjoy it. Just two more votes and we're there. Woo-hoo!

There are so many threads on DU sometimes I hesitate before writing something like this just because, literally, it can drop off the radar in a matter of minutes. Glad the Greatest page exists to kind of bring back a thread you might have otherwise-missed.

PB

[nedbal]

6. send it to the onion k&r

[skids]

7. Yes do. It's good work.

Mailing it to a couple of my friends now.

[geardaddy]

2. K & R

Is this your original work? Very good!

[Poll_Blind]

3. Yes. My original work, written for DU about an hour ago. I'm glad...

...you liked it! Seemed like a nice way to distract ourselves from some of the ugly realities we have to deal with lately.

PB

4. Esther Bentwhistle - nice n/t

[neweurope]

8. k & r - it's hilarious. Thanks!

:rofl:


---------------------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[eppur_se_muova]

9. It's always the ludefisk.

SCIENCE TO DECIDE

Smell Ruled Out
as Test of Good
or Bad Ludefisk

http://www.startribune.com/blogs/oldnews/?p=24

[theHandpuppet]

18. All right folks, time to 'fess up!

How many here have actually EATEN Ludefisk? Confess before it's too late!

[Poll_Blind]

10. Kick before I take off for the day. n/t

PB

[Greyskye]

11. K & R - lmao!

Dude, you should be writing for the Onion. I kept looking for Onion attribution. :rofl:

[Lars39]

12. Lol

Good thing he didn't tell one of the quilters first. :D

[knitter4democracy]

13. I hear that! I haven't dropped off my knitting yet.

I've entered the state fair this year, but drop off days aren't for another week. There's no way I want that jeopardized. :D

[Lars39]

14. Yikes! And knitters, too!

Hope you win the big blue. Are you going to post pics? :hi:

[knitter4democracy]

19. It's my steeked fair isle vest on my blog.

Um, it's down a bit with progress pics.

Of course, now I'm seriously looking at bigger fair isle projects. That one was just too much fun. :blush:

riverwalkyarns dot blogspot dot com

[Poll_Blind]

15. Kick for the late-night crowd. n/t

PB

[Erika]

16. Great post. Thank you

But can you clarify Gog, etc?

[Dover]

17. Peachy! Even God waits until September to launch his new product.

Coming soon.....the Rapture. It's hell on wheels. Don't get left behind!

Well I can't wait for my new rapture!

[Poll_Blind]

20. Sorry folks, there is more to this piece but it was edited by a moderator.

I'm trying to get them to reverse the edits right now.

PB

[Poll_Blind]

21. WHOLE piece can be found HERE (link inside)

Right Here.

PB