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Huge tax breaks for people who already have more money than they can spend in their entire lifetime will stimulate the economy, because now they’ll have more money to spend.
Buying cheap goods from China is good for the American economy, because the people who have had their jobs outsourced to China can only afford to buy cheap goods.
A president who lies to the nation about a sexual liaison with a fellow consenting adult should be impeached. A president who lies to the nation about going to war should be re-elected.
When Jerry Falwell uses his pulpit to shill for the Republicans, he’s an influential party spokesperson. When the IRS knocks on his door, he’s a tax-exempt man-of-the-cloth.
If you joined the military and fought in Iraq, you were protecting your country. But if you return home and run for elected office as a Democrat, you're "padding your resume".
If you fight for America, you are protecting freedoms like the First Amendment. But if you exercise your First Amendment rights, you are anti-American.
When a panel of judges stops votes from being counted in Florida and installs a man in the White House, they are upholding the Constitution. When a panel of judges in Florida upholds the law and decide against Terry Schiavo’s parents, they are activists.
According to Rumsfeld, keeping Gitmo detainees standing for hours is "uncomfortable". Rumsfeld developing writer’s cramp from personally signing letters to the families of fallen soldiers constitutes "torture".
When children see Janet Jackson’s breast for five seconds on TV, they are learning wanton, sinful behaviour. When children hear Pat Robertson calling for the murder of duly-elected leader, they are learning good Christian values.
According to our military analysts, the soldiers currently serving in Iraq are not targets for the insurgents; they are securing the country. According to those same analysts, we can’t send any more soldiers to Iraq to secure the country, because we’d just be sending more targets.
We can’t announce when we’ll be withdrawing from Iraq, because the insurgents may decrease their attacks and simply wait out the clock. But we can’t train Iraqi troops so that ours can withdraw, because of the constant attacks by the insurgents.
The terrorists hate us because of our freedoms. Unless we allow those freedoms to be taken away via the Patriot Act, the terrorists have won.
When thousands of scientific experts declare global warming a reality, we need more study before we can act. When we get information from a single source named Curveball, we must take action before it’s too late.
When warned that Social Security will be in trouble within the next four decades, the best course of action is to totally gut it immediately. When warned that Bin Laden plans an attack on US soil, the best course of action is to adopt a wait-and-see attitude.
When Americans see billions of their tax dollars going to Halliburton, they are appreciating the enormous cost it takes to wage a war. When they ask why the soldiers fighting that war don't have proper body armour, they are nit-picking.
Ann Coulter is an outspoken woman of style and charm. Hillary Clinton is a mouthy bitch. Al Franken is a crackpot who is using the airwaves to mislead the American people. Rush Limbaugh is the calm voice of reason.
When Dick Cheney told someone to fuck off on the Senate floor, he was, as promised, bringing dignity back to Washington politics.
When TV journalists show videos of Administration members saying something they deny having said twenty-four hours later, those journalists are engaging in ‘revisionist history’.
When millions of Americans march in anti-war demonstrations, they are a ‘handful of people’. When a handful of people support an anti-gay marriage Constitutional amendment, they are an ‘overwhelming number of Americans’.
Republican logic -- now, there's an oxymoron -- sorry, I meant OXYMORAN!
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