Why do we even _have_ that lever? (DHS)

[Plaid Adder]

So, the Department of Homeland Security doesn't think that New York City and the District of Columbia are at high risk of a terrorist attack--because they don't have many important national icons.

You know...

In the little-appreciated Disney film The Emperor's New Groove, the villainess Yzma has a lair with a secret compartment which you have to get to by pulling one of two levers. One lever reveals the entrance to the secret cavern; the other drops you into a pit full of crocodiles. Yzma and her idiot boy toy can't seem to remember which lever is the right one, so there's a running gag involving one or the other of them climbing back up to the entrance, shaking a crocodile off one ankle, and muttering, "Why do we even have that lever?" Liza and I say that to each other whenever the Cubs put in one of their many underachieving relief pitchers.

Well, that's how I feel about the DHS reading shit like this. Why do we even have that lever? Can anyone tell me what the DHS has actually done to make the country safer? I would be interested to know. From what I can tell, they have been responsible for the following triumphs:

* Instituting a ridiculous color-coded terror alert system that made us an international laughing stock.

* Increasing nationwide sales of plastic and duct tape.

* Ingesting FEMA, neutering it, and then failing to function in its stead during a major national disaster.

* Creating a number of unintentionally hilarious webpages, including the kids' page featuring their soulful yet butch mountain lion mascot Rex.

* Gathering together the only people in the country who can't tell a high-profile terrorist target from a horse's ass and putting them in charge of distributing anti-terrorism funds.

We could do with out all of these things. It would save us a lot of money, and a lot of embarrassment. Unless there's something I'm missing, I think it would make a lot of sense not only to fire Chertoff but to get rid of the DHS entirely.

Well seriously. Can anyone answer the question? Why do we even have this lever?

The Plaid Adder

[MadMaddie]

1. It's a lever to nowhere.....this has been the biggest pork barrel

special project the Republicans have undertaken.....the money spent is not being audited.....the people in charge of major sections of the DHS are criminals...

You have hit all of the major failures of the organization and these are the very reason why it should be massively restructured or broken apart...

[Lautremont]

2. Wasn't that gag stolen from 'Young Frankenstein'?

But in answer to your question, you have that lever because almost every single Democrat joined the chorus to vote for that lever. I guess it was hard to go rogue in those four dark days after 9/11, but it couldn't have been impossible.

[omega minimo]

4. "It's twue, it's twue"

[Malikshah]

11. Actually-- I heard Eatha Kitt (as Yzma) from the Emperor's New Groove...

Pull the levahh! Not that one...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[progdonkey]

12. not exactly...

They share the same general spirit of "unfortunate and painful things that happen when you pull levers to secret passageways," but the gag in Frankenstein was that the wall did a 180 rotation when the candle was pulled from its holder, instead of having the bookcase-wall do just a 90 degree rotation. Basically, you had a lot of trouble before you got the hang of using the candle, but it functioned fine after you figured it out (or stuck your body in between the outside wall and the rotating bookcase... ;) ).

The Emperor's New Groove gag is that they have a lever dedicated solely to dropping you into a pool filled with crocodiles: it serves absolutely no logical purpose.

In Young Frankenstein, the mechanism is screwy, but it all serves a logical purpose (ie. hidden entrance to lab). In ENG, though, the very existence of the lever and the mechanism is the joke.

[Lautremont]

13. Here's what I was thinking...

(not that you asked), but I was thinking about The Bride of Frankenstein, which has a lot in common with Young Frankenstein (same electrical equipment, the old hermit, etc.), and that movie ends with the monster pulling a lever and destroying the castle. I always wondered, "why the lever?" and, I guess, must've transposed that gag to Young Frankenstein, where it belongs.

[progdonkey]

22. oh, okay... :-)

I can see how that could all get mixed up. (Especially since Brooks did, as you said, use the same equipment from the original movies, so it's visually a real sequel rather than just a parody; considering that, mixing aspects of the movies up is like thinking Rocky fought the Russian in Rocky III when it was IV--such an unforgivable mistake to make. ;) )

:toast:

[NavyDavy]

18. oh come on....

you sound just like the repugs blame it on the Dems no matter what

[babylonsister]

3. Besides this excellent opinion piece that I agree with, now I

know you and Liza are Disney aficionados!
Levers. Huh! What are they good for, absolutely nothin'! Say it again!

[Plaid Adder]

21. We didn't really like ENG that much,

but it had its moments. The idiot boy toy was very funny, especially with his crazy shoulder angels, and the llama was cute.

The last Disney film I would say I really had a strong reaction to (in a positive way) was _Beauty and the Beast._ Today's kids are apparently just way too hyper for me. My favorite recent kids' movie is _Curse of the Were-Rabbit,_ which goes for charm rather than zippiness.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[SeattleGirl]

5. Why do we have this lever? My guess would be to keep the masses

busy trying to figure out which one is the right one, while the Bush Cabal continues raping and pillaging not only this country, but Iraq, and other places as well. People won't notice all the horrible things being done as long as they're busy trying to keep their asses out of the croc pit.

[me b zola]

7. Yes, a prop in the shell game

...or should I say the 'exon-mobile' game. ;)

[SeattleGirl]

16. I think "shell game" is appropriate.

They can use it to cover most anything, the bastards.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

6. I've asked this exact question several times here. No good answer.

[Lars39]

8. Simple answer: to promote chaos and fear in the population.

[Hissyspit]

9. The color alert system is fun!

Collect all colors! That sound it makes is the sound of the barn door closing.

[FantasticFlan]

10. For a while now, it seems...

appearances matter most in politics. I've been saying for a while that appearances are all that matter to these guys. To them, literally, believing is knowing and saying is doing. If they believe creating this huge unaccountable bureaucracy will protect America, then it will. If they say they're protecting us, then they are, and they can't figure out why we don't understand this.

[Bark Bark Bark]

14. CSL

(means *crapped self laughing*)

Just as many predicted, the color-coded alert system threw itself into the Memory Hole immediately after the election, never to be heard from again. (In my local train station, a notice explaning that all underground station bathrooms are permanently closed in still in effect, but has been slightly reworded simply to remove the color code reference.)

Thanks for appreciating Groove, Plaid. (I'm sure you're already aware that New School should be avoided like the plague, in spite of the best efforts of Warburton and Kitt...)

My reaction upon seeing Rex: "...hooooooooooooly $#!+!!" (Has anyone notified Bill O'Reilly that DHS is exposing kids to mountain lions? And worse, gay ones?)

[Heywood J]

28. (snort)

http://www.ready.gov/kids/family/dad.html

A lion right out of the Village People. Either that or he's too sexy and doing his little turn on the catwalk...

[DianaForRussFeingold]

15. Thanks, A Really Great Imaginative Thoughtful Post!

Department of Homeland Security doesn't think that New York City and the District of Columbia are at high risk of a terrorist attack--because they are unimportant national Neocons. It makes me wonder why they arent worried about another 911 in NY when it was hit two times in the past. Does Chertoff know something we don't!

[monarch]

17. Seems that Lieberman's being Bush' favorite dem isn't

helping CT since we took a substantial hit too. Now Lieberman is expressing outrage and it's funny (and, somehow, very satisfying) that Bush has become a drag on his candidacy.

[Plaid Adder]

19. A Retraction

In the original post I mentioned the Cubs' "underachieving relief pitchers" in a context which seems to indicate that I am analogizing them to the Department of Homeland Security. Last night, the Cubs won a 14-inning showdown with the Cardinals, thanks largely to the efforts of the bullpen. I would therefore like to withdraw the implicit comparison between the Cub relievers, who actually *have* proven effective in comabting a natural disaster (i.e., the Cubbies' 2006 season), and the DHS, which is still totally @#$! useless.

The Plaid Adder Gazette regrets the error.

[Jack Rabbit]

20. Pladder admits error

And to err is human.

The Bushies, on the other hand, make no mistakes. I guess that means that they are not human.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

23. Hmm...I spot a gay mountain lion.

That one in the purple dress is *GASP* wearing a RAINBOW necklace!

[OneBlueSky]

24. and STILL no one's checking cargo containers at US ports . . .

so tell me again just what this department DOES that is of any real value in protecting us from terrorists? . . .

[thefool_wa]

26. check my other post in this thread...

I read a post on here a couple of months ago talking about exactly why the DHS is not protecting our ports. You will find the quote from Chertoff very distrubing.

[tavalon]

32. Well, nothing, actually

See my other post.

[thefool_wa]

25. You are missing the point of the DHS

I read a post from a man who sells CT scanners designed for cargo containers and he said that, in a meeting with Charmian Chertoff regarding the sale of these CT scanners, Chertoff said the following:

"The purpose of the DHS is not to insure or promote security, but rather to keep the public informed of the threat against them as efficiently as possible."

That may be a slight paraphrase, but I was so shocked by the statement that it has stuck with me ad-infinitum. To me this means that they are not there to protect us, but rather to keep us afraid. And we all know that the color-coded system is just an instrument of that purpose, marketing the war by telling us how afraid to be.

I can tell you two things I have observed in Bremerton, WA (shipyard city of 36K or so) - I have seen a gigantic, blue, armored looking Econoline van with more computer equipment in it than I have seen in any vehicle even in the movies. And I have seen a DHS Federal Protection Services Police SUV patrolling our streets. I am not making either up, I wish I had my digital camera with me when I saw them so I could post pictures. Neither of these things makes me feel safer, and both make me more afraid than anyone in Al Queda.

So why do we have the lever? To remind us that there are crocodiles and drop us in the pit whenever we forget. I hope, when the dems win back the white house, that the DHS is dismantled and all of this goes away. We need to fight the idea of terrorism with policy changes and better ideas, not with more tyranny and more violence.

[Jack Rabbit]

27. I think Pladder gets the point

(T)hey are not there to protect us, but rather to keep us afraid.

So who needs them?

[thefool_wa]

30. The subject line was "tongue in cheek"

You are right, his entire tirade does hit the nail right on the head.

[Heywood J]

29. Technically,

if done well, I could see a purpose in DHS continuing to exist. Of course, it would involve pretty much gutting the agency and reworking it in one swoop. We'd have to purge ideocrats like Chertoff, do some background checks to filter out the pedophiles that seem to be cropping up, etc. but I could see a use. Airports still need to be secured, cargo still needs to be inspected, FEMA's responsibilities still need to be lived up to, and (IMHO) a unified agency can do this far better than a dozen smaller agencies that don't work well (or at all) in concert or co-ordinate.

Of course, doing things well is not the strong point of the current administration - or we wouldn't be in this mess at all. That's why the job would fall to someone else, someone competent.

[tavalon]

31. They're part of the Dog and Pony Show

It's meant to keep the masses calm while we transition from a Representative Republic to a Fascist Dictatorship. Occasionally, they slip, and you see the stuff behind the curtain. Washington doesn't need protection because they're the actual terrorists. They aren't going to do their own folks in.

Don't worry, they'll get rid of the DHS when the facade is no longer needed. Of course, they'll probably just transition over to some sort of SS officer system, you know, elite, military secret service, to help round up you and me.