The married name-change thing

[geniph]

This got brought up in another thread, but I thought it deserved its own. Those of you who've been married, did you change your name to your husband's? What about those of you with kids - what surname do your kids bear? How much societal pressure/misunderstanding have you had to deal with?

My own situation - I've been married twice. In neither case did I for one second consider changing my name. To me, it's my NAME. That's who I AM. Neither of my husbands considered for a second asking me to change my name - neither of them are the kind of guy who'd be made insecure by it. But in both cases, my own family and my in-laws had "issues" with it. It seems so weird to me in this day and age that people still seem to expect that a woman will routinely change her name. Both times, I got notices from the Social Security Administration shortly after the marriage saying basically, we've been informed that you're probably changing your name, make sure and register the new one with us. Both times, I looked at the notice going, WTF? I can't believe they still do that.

I don't have kids, so that's not been an issue for me. My stepkids and their mother have my husband's last name. (My husband's ex-wife was more traditionalist than I.) The main problem I've run into was when I was doing some transactions with a 401K - for some reason, the people in that office couldn't get it through their heads that my husband and I were REALLY married and REALLY had different names. Um, what year is this, anyway? They actually made me sign a statement to that effect (yes, I'm married, and this is really my name, and that is really my husband's name) and get it notarized!

What seems to freak people even more is that my husband and I keep our finances strictly separate. I find that easier. We each pay a share of the bills proportionate to our incomes. The house is solely in my name. My car is solely in my name. His car is in his. We each have our own checking and savings accounts, and we each spend our discretionary money as we see fit. When we want to make a big purchase, we each chip in for it. It seems bizarre to me that married people have to ask each other for permission to spend their own money, and then fight over things like buying a drill or a book.

[UCLA Dem]

1. I got married 6 months ago and never considered changing my name.

My in-laws are such pain-in-the-butt religious traditionalists that we didn't even bother to tell them before the wedding, we just let them find out later. We figured it would have been just another big fight (not getting married in a church was another sore spot with them) and that it was none of their damn business anyway!! Its my name and its my business. They shouldn't even have an opinion on the subject.

My husband wouldn't even think of allowing me to change my name. I am my own person, not someone else's property as MRS. implies and he agreed I should stay that way. (Sorry if I've offended anyone, but that's where MRS. comes from, it literally means you belong to ...fill in husband's name..., so for example Mrs. Smith is the property of Mr. Smith. That's why women would change their names because you were now under his authority as his property).

We haven't really found its a problem, most people just let it go. My grandmother keeps insisting on calling me Mrs. Husbands Name and though that really bugs, what are you going to do??

As for children (from what I've heard), there are some many people who are divorced etc. these days, kids and parents have different last names all the time, so I'm not particularly worried about it.

Just my 2 cents!

[Finder]

2. I changed my name

mostly because of wanting children. We also keep our finances separate and I can't imagine asking for permission to spend. Like you, we chip in for major purchases/home improvements. I also get money monthly from him for cooking and doing laundry.(he hates it)lol

I have the hardest time dealing with idiots that think it is unheard of for a married woman to do something without a husband's permission. Contractors, investment firms, banks--boy do I give them a lecture. Scary thing is, half the time it is women I am dealing with.

[UCLA Dem]

3. I often think that women are the strongest gate keepers.

[geniph]

9. Women are quite often complicit in sexism

You see that all over the world; it's often women continuing to promulgate some sexist horror like footbinding or female genital mutilation, so their daughters will be "valuable" to men. You see women engaging in competitive behaviors with one another when cooperation would benefit both much better. We're aggressive little tribal primates, whether male or female.

[UCLA Dem]

11. I think it also becomes, "I had to do it, so its good enough for you too."

[Eloriel]

21. Yes, to repeat myself

it's called "internalized oppression." They've BOUGHT and subsequently support and promulgate some of the social strictures re women. They believe some or most or all of it, they work within its limiting boundaries. Internatlized oppression.

[Bunny]

4. I was married once, and never considered changing my name.

It's who I AM, why would I change that? He didn't give up his identity to marry me, after all.

He claimed to be okay with it, but deep down I don't think he really was. His family was beside himself - he's the last male in the line, and all that. My family was bewildered and amused - they have that reaction to me a lot, come to think of it. :crazy:

If he and I would have had kids, I would have given them his last name. Maybe use my name as a middle name, since my surname would be a cool middle name. The former Mr. Bunny is not the father of either of my kids, and they both have my last name.

I don't expect to ever get married again, but if I did, the same thing would apply - I would never change my name. However, I can see why some women would want to, so it's not something that I get too concerned about. Whatever makes you happy!

[ohio_liberal]

5. I've been married twice as well

I never once considered changing the name I was born with. As for money, we always had a "mine, yours, and ours" approach with fair distribution (we didn't make the same amt. of money, so it wasn't a 50/50 thing). I think it's smart for people to keep at least some of their earnings separate.

[Gelliebeans]

6. My cousin got married

recently and both her and her husband use both their last names with a hyphen.

The women in the family got into a hissy over this far more than the men. I ran interference where I could on behalf of my cousin.

[UCLA Dem]

12. I found that too. The men didn't care what I did with my name...

it was the women who were upset!

[trotsky]

7. I'm a man, and I had already changed my name.

I took my mom's unmarried name because there was about to be no one left to carry it on. (My grandpa died about a year and a half later - three daughters, all took their husbands' names.) I moved my birth surname to my middle name, and dropped my original middle name.

My soon-to-be wife thought that was such a noble gesture, she decided to take the name too. We have two kids.

It does makes things a little easier in this society if you share the same name, but I think it should be up to the individual to decide if they want to change it.

[geniph]

8. Now, that's a cool reason to change your name!

I like that story. Doesn't seem to happen very often.

[trotsky]

15. Thanks.

It did alienate my dad pretty well, he didn't speak to me for a couple of years. Not that we were all that close to begin with - his family just wasn't much into emotional attachment. Then my parents divorced, and I've seen him maybe twice in the last five years. Ah well, you don't get to pick your parents.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

57. About twenty years ago, I knew a couple where the husband

took his wife's family name because his family of origin had been so abusive that he didn't even want their name.

In Japan, there is a tradition of families that have only daughters "adopting" one of their sons-in-law, i.e. he takes his wife's family name. The "adopted" son-in-law is never the eldest son of his original family, because being an eldest son is too important in the culture: he inherits the family's house and he (more likely, his wife) is expected to take care of the parents in their old age.

[Nikia]

59. I wonder if that is what happened w/ college classmate

I read the alum magazine from my alma mater. One of the guys I knew was dating a Japanese woman. I noticed in the alum magazine that they recently had a child. It listed them as living in Japan and he had taken her last name. I had thought that perhaps it was because he was not of Japanese last name and wanted to fit in. The point you raised though might be a possibility.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

60. The other possibility is that he took Japanese citizenship

In order to become a Japanese citizen, you must adopt a Japanese surname. It doesn't have to be the surname of one's spouse, but it usually is.

[Eloriel]

22. I LOVE that story!

I've never heard of such a thing, but I love it. Hats off to you!

:toast:

[Lisa0825]

10. I changed my name when I got married...

and will NEVER do it again. My first act upon getting divorced was taking my name back.

My ex-h and I kept our finances separate. It was just easier, and I don't see any point to combining them. I know more couples who fight due to not being able to keep track of accounts due to both of them drawing off it!

[UCLA Dem]

13. Thats why my hubby and I keep ours seperate.

[gkhouston]

14. I kept my name. My daughter has my husband's surname

and that doesn't seem to be a biggie. So many people are divorced and remarried these days that a lot of kids don't have the same last name as Mommy, so who cares? Well, Social Security apparently, as they still have trouble understanding that my last name is not the same as my husband's and we've been married for six years. :eyes:

As for the money, we take a "yours, mine, and ours" approach: separate checking accounts, joint savings, some joint credit cards, some individual. He pays some bills and I pay others. He actually enjoys being a financial weenie so he mostly handles that now although we discuss the details. We don't quarrel about money. Actually, we don't really quarrel, period. There's something to be said for falling in love with a friend!

[ScreamingMeemie]

16. Married, and gladly took his name. He adopted my daughter and her

"birth" surname (my maiden name) is now her middle name. I will stress that she wanted to take his last name. I know it may be old fashioned, but MrG and I function as a unit. All daily receipts go into a pile and are subtracted from our accounts. It is my thought that if I (and this is only I...I have no problem with other peoples' situations as they are none of my business) I had wanted to keep myself, my finances etc. separate, we would have just lived together then. :hi:

[Bunny]

18. Nothing wrong with that, Mrs. G!

It's all about choice, and whatever works for the people in question is okay by me.

[jmm]

17. Never been married and don't have kids but my $.02

When my parents got married my mom didn't change her name because she already had a son and didn't want him to be the only one in the family with a different name. I was born wit his name. When I was six they broke up and he was never really there for me so I soon started to beg her to change my last name and when I was ten it was changed to hers. I figured if I wasn't going to be part of my life why should his name be? Many who know this story have reacted badly like it was something I was pressured into doing or I wanted to do it to hurt him. There are even people on my mom's side of the family who still send my mail with my birth name. I never wanted to hurt anyone but I still stand by my decision because it was right for me.

[UCLA Dem]

19. You did what you needed to do. Your name is your identity and you should

feel comfortable with it.

[geniph]

20. Your name is YOURS

and it's not anyone else's business if you choose to use a different one that you have a legal right to. Your relatives should respect your wishes.

[efhmc]

23. I did it when I married but my married daughter did not and if the

other one ever marries, she won't either. I would not now either.

[efhmc]

24. Even we keep "our" name, we are still carrying a man's name,

since all sir names are male names.

[UCLA Dem]

33. This is true.

[Mad_Dem_X]

68. Bingo - like I said in my earlier post

it's usually your father's name anyway.

[Triana]

76. I changed mine but changed it back and won't change it again...

..the marriage was anulled and I won't get married again. It's not for me. If, by some inconcievable circumstance I ever do get married again (I frankly hate the whole idea of it) I will not change my name and no man will be messing around in my checkbook or vice-versa.

No kids for me. I prefer cats. ;)

[Katherine Brengle]

77. Refusing to carry on the tradition is a move...

in the right direction though, imo.

I am going to ask my husband if he will consider changing his name to mine--not bc I want him to do that, but to see his reaction. I am guessing it will be incredulity.

I am not changing mine, and although my 2-yr old daughter currently has my husband's last name, I am going to talk to him about hyphenating hers instead, because it bothers me that she does not carry my name as well, and I shouldn't have to change mine just to match hers--that is inequal and more than a little disturbing.

[politicat]

25. I really agonized over it....

First, let me say that my father and I have a very, very VERY rocky relationship. We don't see eye to eye, we don't sing in key, we don't march to the same drummer.... I'm on a mountain top listening to Vivaldi while he's in a valley playing the Beach Boys. I don't like him, I don't respect him, I hate his choices in wives, careers, ethics, social behaviors.... and yet, I carry his name. (There's a lot of detail here that is identifiable; suffice it to say that he was very emotionally, physically and verbally abusive, and that he had so little concept of familial fidelity - not marital continence - that essentially my siblings and I were left to fend for ourselves.... except when being part of his life was economically or otherwise advantageous.)

On the other hand, I adore my husband. He's a better feminist than I am at times, he's fully supportive, very sensitive, capable, caring and kind. I never have to worry about his choices or ethics. He's my best friend and (this is all mutual, by the way) without him, I would be diminished. But I didn't take his name. So there's a part of me that feels some misplaced loyalty there.

We knew from the beginning that I would not change my title. I am a Miss. I was born a Miss and I will die a Miss. Men are born Misters and die Misters; I don't see why I have to change. I will be Miss until I become Doctor.

But the name was a toughie. It eventually boiled down to the fact that my H doesn't like his father, his father''s name or his father's family either, and I do happen to love and respect my father's parents. Eventually, perhaps, we will both change our names, though that is a very difficult thing for men to do in comparison.

I suppose in retrospect the biggest issue was the title, not the name. That's the one I thought more about over the years. I don't like Miz; to me it sounds sloppy, slurred and poorly enunciated. I don't like Missus; between the connotation of possession and the sloppy contraction of Mistress, it holds no charm for me.

I do like Mistress, but I can't get any forms to accept that one. It's nice and non-marital state specific; it's the closest feminine form of Mister ... but it has some recent connotations overlaid upon it.

So Miss it is......

On edit: On the financials.... we decided on marriage to include time in the financial transaction, and assigned a dollar value to every available hour. Thus, for the first two years we were married, when I did grad work, small fee consulting and writing as well as volunteer work for the dems, atheists and children's advocacy, I got "paid" for those hours that we felt contributed to making the world a better place for all people. Now that I'm back to full time work, that time is still figured into our financial situation.

We have joint accounts for everything - save a couple that are my name only that I'm using to build credit - because it's not critical. I'm the money manager anyway, and my H does not want to be bothered with math that actually involves numbers. (I'm the statistician, he's the theoretical mathematician in the family. )

[trotsky]

28. Hey politicat -

Let your husband know that it's not as difficult as you might think for a man to change his name. Here in Minnesota all it took was two witnesses who had nothing to gain from my name change (I borrowed my aunt and grandma) to appear with you before a judge, plus a filing fee (about $150).

From there, for most things all it takes is a name change form for utility services, credit cards, etc. Some things, like SSN, require a copy of the name change certificate. But overall it was pretty easy!

[lukasahero]

34. I loved your post

When I talk about my husband, I use the word "adore" as well. It's appropriate. :-)

I have the reverse story of yours. I have not taken my husband's name but it is partly because I have a great dad. He is also the last surviving "insert-last-name-here" in America. Seriously. (Though there are a few in S. Africa, England and Australia.)

So in a way, keeping his name is my attempt to keep the family name alive. Although since I'm the daughter who won't be having any children, it's probably a mute point anyway. :silly:

[Solly Mack]

26. On some things my name is changed and on some things it's not

My "maiden" name belongs to my father. So even if it's a matter of feeling that I "own" my name, either way I'm associated with a man's house(property,protection), so to speak. So I really don't connect to either my "maiden" name or my married name. Let's not even get into the word "maiden" (coughspewchoke)

The name I most indentify with is my mothers, and her name came from her maternal side. Her father took his mothers name. And his father took his mother's name. So my mother held a name handed down through the women. That's the family I grew up in and they are the ones I am known by. My point is, it didn't matter what name I took(in marriage or in birth)...I'm still a member of the ____ family. A family whose last name came from a woman. My father well understood that (though he didn't accept it) and he tried to explain it to my new husband at one point.

Funny thing is, my father's mother knew it and understood it. So when my parents divorced, she embraced my mother as her family, and my paternal grandparents relationship was with my mother and her kids, and not with their own son. In fact, my paternal grandfather became the "grand-daddy" to all of the sisters children. He was known as simply "Grand Daddy" to all my cousins. Some of the younger ones even thought he was their biological grandfather since that's all they knew him as...


To understand what I'm saying you'd have to understand that we don't marry into other families....they marry into ours. So my family became my husband's family but his family did not become mine. This isn't to say I don't have a relationship with his family, but it is to say that it's my family tradition that will be passed on to children.

A lot of people can't grasp that concept but it's funny, because they can grasp the concept of embracing a man's name( that came from a man's name, that came from yet another man's name) and any trappings of patriarchy that come along with it, which are labeled "tradition", of course.....but my family dynamic tends to spark fear and outrage in people. Which I think is funny.

I was maybe 8 or 9 before I realized that the outside world of patriarchs was the model most people lived by within their own family. I thought the family unit was matriarchal, even if the outside world was patriarchal. Imagine my surprise.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

58. Is that tradition unique to your family, or do you

come from an ethnic group that has a matrilineal tradition?

[China_cat]

27. What's the difference?

Most likely the name you don't want to change belonged to your father.

[geniph]

31. To me, it doesn't have anything to do with the name coming from a male,

that's not the reason I reject the idea of changing my name. I'm not rejecting patronymics; I'm rejecting changing MY identity. I was born with that name, I grew up with that name, and I'll die with it.

Mostly, it's because I'm lazy. ;-) It was less work not to change my name. But I truly never even considered it, nor would I unless both I and my husband changed our names to a mutually-acceptable one.

The name I'd take if I were to change mine was the patronymic of one of my grandparents, and I'd take it only because I like the name's derivation - Harper. But I kind of like the derivation of my own surname, which also comes from a profession.

[Mad_Dem_X]

69. Your identity is more than just your name

You could change your name to anything, it wouldn't change who you are inside. Plus, you're not changing your *first* name, are you?

[all.of.me]

29. 25 years ago,

when we were empowering ourselves with our womanhood, i joked that my husband would change HIS name to mine. that was a radical idea back then!

well, my girls' dad DID change his name, although we never got married. he has changed it again since he left, but the girls have my name.

[Dorian Gray]

30. Interesting, geniph

I did take my husband's name. I didn't really think about it too much, and though it was a little difficult to change my signature, I'm now used to it. Some of my documents are in his name, and some are in my old name. (I have a driver's liscence in both names. I also have a credit card in each name.) The name thing didn't bother me, though. I think because I was adopted, and I have always known that my name wasn't my "birthright," per se. It was more luck of the draw. Also, I've never fully known what ethnicity I am. (I look Irish, but I have no idea if I am completely Irish.) So, I've found my sense of identity more in my personal qualities than in the ethnicity/name. I know it sounds decidedly unfeminist to change ones name, but it honestly made little difference to me. And since I actually chose to marry into that particular family, it was sort of like taking a name for myself that I chose rather than one that was "luck of the draw" with my adoption. (It sounds convoluted, but it made sense to me.)

As for our finances, we do them the same way you do. Each of us has a job. Each of us has our own account. We did open a joint account, in which we deposited gifts from our wedding. We each have direct deposit into that account into which we each put money in monthly to pay our bills. We also do it proportionately to our earnings. I earn slightly more than he does (not much), so I put in slightly more than he does. Next year, with his yearly raise, we will be making even amounts, so we will change the allocations.

But, as for our own personal spending, we each buy what we want to buy. Neither of us bothers the other when we want to buy something using our own money. Most of my friends do not have this arrangemen, and they've run into troubles. One of my friends, despite making a great living, allows her husband to handle her complete salary. He was investing in risky technology stocks and bonds six years ago, and needless to say, they ran into some troubles.

I'm actually more well versed in handling money than my husband (I am in charge of investments for a foundation that I run), so I actually help him out with his IRA and 403(b). He makes the final decisions, but based on my recommendations. I actually know a lot more about his finances than he does about mine. Though, I'm very careful about not taking control away from him, as I would hate to have the control taken away from me.

[DoveTurnedHawk]

32. My Former Fiancee Was Planning to Keep Her Name

I totally did not care. It's HER name, after all.

One of my sisters is married with children and kept her name, AND the children she had with her husband also have her name.

I have to confess, I felt a tiny bit weird about that when I first heard the bit about her kids, but then I squashed it down after acknowledging to myself that it was internalized sexism and male privilege rearing their ugly heads.

I think the idea of merged names is kind of neat sometimes.

Regarding finances, I do think it's appropriate for committed couples to merge them and consult with each other on major purchases, just because I think it's a partnership in all things, including finances, but I certanly pass no judgment on people who choose to do things differently.

DTH

[noamnety]

35. I changed my name twice

When I married, I took his name because I was a Russian linguist, and he had a good slavic name, so it looked better on a resume. Pure business move, there. When we got divorced, I kept his name for that reason.

Then I remarried, and felt I had to take the new husband's name because he wouldn't understand why I would rather have my ex's name. It still makes me a little sad, because really I hate the sound of the new name, and liked the last one quite a lot.

I like the idea of having the option to upgrade your last name - guys don't usually get that choice. But it backfired on me, with this last marriage.

[pmbryant]

36. I, too, find the name-changing phenomena somewhat odd

My wife never thought about changing her name, and neither did I. But we haven't had any pressure about it, either.

Unlike your situation, though, our finances are totally intertwined. I must admit that for a couple to keep finances separate seems odd to me, especially if you share the same living arrangements. Since both my wife and I have been unemployed at various times in our time together, keeping separate finances would not have worked well at all.

But just because it wouldn't work for us doesn't mean it's not a reasonable solution for others.

--Peter

[Book Lover]

37. I didn't

I like honoring my father (a fantasic fella who has done some amazing things with what little he was dealt with when he was born) with his surname, and I don't care for either my mother's surname or her mother's married or maiden names. I didn't like how my name would sound if I changed it to my husband's name, and no-one in either family cared. Plus, I'm pretty cheap, and shelling out $100+ so some clerk can fill in a few forms rubs me the wrong way anyway.

I never got a note from the SSA, though. I wonder how they got yours...

[bleedingheart]

38. I wanted to move further up in the alphabetical order thing...

given that my maiden name began with a Z.

hahaha...just kidding.

I agonized over the decision as well but for my hubby, who is a male feminist, it seemed to make a difference.....so I took it...didn't move up that much in the alphabet though....Damn!!!..but it is shorter...ahahahaha

[spooky3]

39. Liked his name better than my dad's, so I took it.

[Maat]

66. Ditto.

We've been together for 30 years, 23 of them married.

I trust Hubby WAY MORE than any family member on either side - I changed mine to his proudly, and I never felt that I lost one iota of independence.

NO ONE has been more supportive of me over the years than Hubby; actually, he's the only one that has been consistently and unconditionally supportive.

Whatever floats your boat, I say.

[cally]

40. I didn't change my name

when I married and like many of you experienced many of women in the family objected. Many still send me mail with my husband's name even though all know that's not my name. I had convinced my husband to merge our two names into a joint new name. He went up to visit his family one weekend and they were so horified that he wouldn't do it. My sisters still address mail to our family with the joint name. It's 20 plus years later but it's easier than using two last names.

I had problems with the IRS and getting a passport. I went a few rounds with an IRS agent who finally backed off when I wrote a letter asking why we should file with a name that wasn't my legal name.

Both my kids have my husband's last name and my name for their middle name. I'm often called by my husband's name at school functions but I'm used to it. Eventually most realize what my name is.

We merged all of our finances. I hated trying to keep separate accounts when we lived together so I never considered it once we married. Since both of us have been unemployed at various times, it would be complicated to keep separate accounts.

[lukasahero]

41. My sister-in-law

made a big stink when she first heard I was not taking my husband's name and she keeps rubbing it in. She even sent a wedding gift check addressed to us using his first, my first and his last name. (Yeah, so how exactly do we cash that? Do I sign it illegally?) But hey, welcome to the family.

She sends every card to Mrs. my-first-name his-last-name. Pisses me off but I'm not going to start anything over it. Unfortunately, my husband is also pissed off and is going to start something over it soon. (It doesn't help that he doesn't like her in the first place.)

(Of course, she does her best to alienate him when every card she sends us has a picture of the darling nephew (I can't describe it here why that's a deliberate "slight" in her world). So he has started sending her pictures of the dog. ;))

And my elderly aunts, who I will forgive based on age, actually sent me a birthday card addressed to Mrs. His-first-name his-last-name. WTF? I thought it was my birthday but I was no where on the frickin' card! (Again, they're old, I'll forgive them but come on.)

And we all know it's not just elderly aunts - once you're married, that's often how you are addressed - Mrs. "Him". We don't even exist anymore except in relationship to his existance. Arg.

[cally]

42. Two things have slowed it down

in my extended family. All of the elderly Aunts and Grandparents are now dead. Like you, I excused it based on their age. I signed many checks with my name and a comment signing for Mrs. husband's name. The banks took the checks. One of b-i-l married a woman with my first name. Finally the extended family uses my last name in person to keep us separate. :bounce:

Best of luck with the s-i-l.

[lukasahero]

43. LOL!

Well, since both aunts are quite ill at the moment, I'll refrain from wishing the problem to go away on their part.

I didn't know about the check thing. I'll have to try that. So far, I've just signed it as it's addressed, because we haven't created a joint account yet and he's just deposited the money in his account until we do. So it's not like they would ask if Mrs. So-and-so actually exists. I'll keep it in mind though when we get around to opening that account.

With both our families being so small, I also have no hope of anyone coming into the family to alleviate the situation. But I'm glad to hear you (finally!) found some resolution. :)

[UCLA Dem]

47. One of my husband's cousins has my first name, so they use our last names.

[UCLA Dem]

45. Thats the tradition. When you marry you become his Mrs.

Traditionally, your identity has been erased.

P.S...I didn't even tell my Mother-in-law before we got married. We just figured she'd make a big stink about it and figured it wasn't any of her business anyway.

In fact, I didn't even tell her after the wedding either. She found out when at my husband's Grandpa's b-day party, one of my husband's aunts said "Oh, hello Mrs. His Last Name...oh wait thats right, you're not Mrs. His last name, but Ms. My last name."--Right in front of my MIL.

It was quite amusing to see the look on my MIL's face. :evilgrin:

[Katherine Brengle]

78. Right? F* that!

I belong to NO ONE.

If anyone on this earth has any ownership rights over me, it is my daughter, and that is just because I am willing to wear that title, lol.

My hubby's older female relatives are SO into the whole "Dear Mrs. His Full Name" bullshit. It pisses me off, but I too give them a pass bc they are ancient. I am at the point where if one of the younger ones does it, I am going to say something--politely but firmly.

I am not Mr's, thank you very much.

[geniph]

44. A funny side note on this

Since entering politics, I'm the better known spouse. My husband attends pretty much all the political meetings/events with me, and tells people he's "Mr. Geni H------" even though that isn't his name. Then I correct that by giving them his actual name: "this is my husband, John M----" :D

It does astonish me how many people just automatically assume that I'm using his name. Is that still that common?

[UCLA Dem]

46. My husand and I get it all the time....both ways.

People just assume that I have changed my name.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

48. I'm a male, and I don't like it at all

I insisted my wife keep hers -- I LIKE her name! She agreed.

[Hello_Kitty]

53. How cool! I've only met one other guy who felt the way you do.

He said that having his prospective wife take his name would make him feel like he was adopting her or something.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

49. Names

Actually, I've had a husband's name, a hyphenated last name (which, thirty years ago, drove primitive computers nuts), and my own name.

Ultimately, I decided it's meaningless. I am who I am, regardless of what I'm called.

After all, the name I so proudly call "mine" belonged to my father, my paternal grandfather, my paternal great-grandfather, and on and on.

So, I don't think a name change is all that big a deal. I guess for some people it is. To each his own. Or her own, as the case may be.

As for keeping finances separate, that's probably a good idea for people who want to have it that way. With a house, though, if you decide not to put it into joint tenancy, and just bequeath it to your surviving spouse (or other legatee) upon your death, the taxes on it are going to be considerable if it goes into your estate.

[bloom]

50. When I was first married

I tried the hyphenated thing - and I thought it was a pain in the neck.

After we were married a couple years - we both changed our names. It was similar to his name - I regret not taking a completely different name - but it was better than just taking his name as it was.

I have rarely - like twice - ever been addressed as Mrs. His Name. I am Ms. my first name, our name.

I've actually been contemplating taking an entirely new name - or I may just use my choice name for business purposes.

I'm sure it would rock some boats to change my name at this point. But my children are grown and I don't think they would care. One problem is genealogy - but that's going to be so complicated for people in the future - that it probably doesn't make any difference.

[ismnotwasm]

51. I took my husband's name

I liked neither my father's last name, nor my husbands really, but it moved me WAY up the alphabet.( a couple of benefits to that on occasion) I felt it was a choice between two patriarchal names, and didn't really matter. But if my original have been a "cool" last name, I would have kept it. Hyphenation given the length of names was out of the question. Since I had two children without marriage, my natural children have my old last name, and my step-children have their Dads.
I like how you have things arranged. In my case, my husband is disabled with MS, which makes me head of household and primary "breadwinner" since he is no longer able to bring in an income other than SSI.
I let him "do" the finances since he has a desperate need to contribute as much as he can to our marriage, and he has lost so much. (Not only that,I hate managing money!)So it works out, even though I have to help him memory wise. There are other ways we try to balance marriage "labor" as well. We try to pull in tandem as much as possible, for his sake. We talk about it. It's a funny place to be sometimes.

[ismnotwasm]

52. I took my husband's name

I liked neither my father's last name, nor my husbands really, but it moved me WAY up the alphabet.( a couple of benefits to that on occasion) I felt it was a choice between two patriarchal names, and didn't really matter. But if my original have been a "cool" last name, I would have kept it. Hyphenation given the length of names was out of the question. Since I had two children without marriage, my natural children have my old last name, and my step-children have their Dads.
I like how you have things arranged. In my case, my husband is disabled with MS, which makes me head of household and primary "breadwinner" since he is no longer able to bring in an income other than SSI.
I let him "do" the finances since he has a desperate need to contribute as much as he can to our marriage, and he has lost so much. (Not only that,I hate managing money!)So it works out, even though I have to help him memory wise. There are other ways we try to balance marriage "labor" as well. We try to pull in tandem as much as possible, for his sake. We talk about it. It's a funny place to be sometimes.

[WildClarySage]

54. I did change my name to his.

I wish I hadn't, and I wouldn't do it again. But since this marriage thing is working out reasonably well, I'm not likely to get the opportunity to do it differently next time. While I occasionally have considered changing it back, it seems like it wouldn't be worth the bother. And to be fair, our relationship *has* affected my being- in many positive ways- and my identity has changed to reflect that. I'm not the same woman I was 11 years ago. It wasn't the ceremony that changed me, but the relationship has. Now, if I had it to do over, I wouldn't change my name- but there are a lot of things that I've done that, given a do-over, I'd do differently.

We do share our finances, mostly out of expediency and partly because our philosophy is that what's mine is his and what's his is mine. Our lives are intertwined, so are our financial affairs. Besides, divvying up broke between us would just be depressing.

[eridani]

55. I kept my name in 1970

Got a lot of flack for it, and am amazed that it it still happening to people. Mostly friends and family members have just gotten used to it, and I haven't had anyone comment one way or another for at least the last 20 years. Our plan for kids was that girls would have my last name and boys would have his--hyphenation is way too complicated. Had three miscarriages instead.

Pooled finances--he isn't interested in managing money. Each of us has an individual monthly "hell, I just wanted it" budget now, though it has only been recently that our finances allowed such a luxury.

[politicat]

56. I've kept mine, but more through laziness.

It's a big hassle to change it, so even though I am in no way attached to this name, I kept it. I think if my partner had felt more strongly positive about his name, I might have considered changing it, but since neither of us have any affection for the donors of our names (I got mine when I was adopted at 11 months of age) we put up with our surnames as a necessary evil.

We've talked about changing it to something mutually agreeable, but have had very little luck in coming up with a name we both agree on. It's kind of like a tattoo - while we both have a lot of admiration for various individuals and would like to honor them with their names, we're not sure what we really want on our tombstones, and so our default names have hung on for the while.

[TheProphetess]

61. After much deliberation, I decided to keep my last name

The Prophet and I got married a little over a month ago. I had considered hyphenating but it would be a very long and cumbersome last name. I had always planned to keep my name the same professionally but was going to change it legally to the hyphenated version. (I am a professor and am published under my name so it would be a pain to change it professionally.)

After talking it over with my husband (he has no problem with me keeping my last name), I've decided not to change it - I do feel it's part of my identity. I was concerned with having children (someday) and being the only one in our family unit with my last name. So, we've decided that when we have children, their middle names will be my last name and they'll take his last name.

[spooky3]

62. I changed my name because I liked his better than mine

and he wanted me to do it. He was a very supportive person and it was an emotional thing with him, not a traditional/ownership/male superiority thing.

We handled our money the way you do.

[Chalco]

63. I kept my own name when I married but changed when

we had a kid. I wanted all of our names to be the same so that no one, like school type people, physicians, whatever, would wonder who belonged with/to who. I took my husband's name because he refused to take mine and because his is easier to spell and pronounce. I took his name because I didn't want anyone to think I was the step-mother and not the mother. My daughter was named after both of us. She has a first name, then my maiden name then my husbands last name. I changed my name from first, middle last to first, maiden, husbands name.

I hope this makes sense. After working in a school system for many years I knew the background chatter about kids and families and didn't want any confusion about my kid.

[StrongbadTehAwesome]

64. My husband and I both took a new name together.

During our engagement, I had been having the same "either way it's a man's name" debate with myself, and at the time I had a pretty bad relationship with my father. My husband's birth name was EXTREMELY common - you know, the kind of common they make jokes about - Smith, Jones, Brown, Doe... :P

Consequently he'd been having a lot of trouble with identity theft, and wasn't too thrilled about his name either.

So we made one up, and both of us changed our names to it, and that's what name our children will have someday (until they decide to change theirs to something else).

Telling the in-laws was NOT easy. His father was close to punching him, and there were plenty of tears all around. Oddly enough, aside from his dad, the paternal side of the family were the most laid-back about it. I think it's probably because there are already great-grandkids with the name. It was still a bit amusing to see his mom's side of the family FLIP out and ask, "How could you even think of doing such a thing? Don't you want to be a part of this family anymore?" when his dad's side was saying, "Hey, whatever works for ya." Even more ironic considering his mom's maiden name will die when his grandfather passes, because he and his brother only had girls and they all took their husband's names.

(My side of the family didn't really care, 'cause they figured I'd be changing my name in any case.)

It was quite rough there for a while, but now most of them at least address cards to us using our new name, while noting in the inscription that "you'll always be Does to us". I still get called Mrs. David NewName, though, which annoys me to no end. I always think, "I went through all this to NOT be called by a man's name"....

[Lilith Velkor]

65. That's what I would do were I to marry

I'm not a big fan of the institution of marriage myself, but if it were that important to a potential Mr. Velkor, I would insist on it.

People freak out about the stupidest things, don't they? Not much one can do about it but :shrug:

[Mad_Dem_X]

67. I changed my name, no regrets

I changed it for a few reasons, one being that I liked his last name better than the one I had. Also, I don't think that a different last name makes you a different person. You are still the same - I'm still Vicki, the same person I always was. If you want to get technical about it, your birth name is your father's last name (in most cases).

Just my two cents. :)

[bleedingheart]

70. I took my husbands...after a big discussion...

he is a big time feminist but...he has been married before and his first wife insisted on doing a hyphenated version of his name and hers....no isuse...but then she started cheating on him immediately..

Although he doesn't view me as "wifely property" he wanted me to take his name because at the time he was still a bit sensitive to the whole issue of 2 becoming 1 ...a family...and the name thing was important.

now... many years later he realizes how dumb it was...and we have joked about creating a new last name...but unfortunately neither his name or my maiden name would make a good hybrid name...in fact it would be awfully funny....

[Triana]

71. I didn't...and I never would.

I never thought the changing of identity when one marries as anything but being branded someone else's property and it smacks of that. I don't think so. My name is my ID - it's who I was born as, who I've lived my life as, and who I'll die as. I don't cease to become ME if I marry. In fact, I refuse.

[October]

72. I changed my name...because my dad's name was a burden

Seriously, my husband and I chose each other, and I was glad to take his name and be rid of my father's name.

See, my father abandoned us when I was born. His name was a hideous burden to me all my life -- a constant reminder of his absence. I hated it. Every time the teacher took role, I was embarrassed. (In those days, there were few divorces, so it was odd and shameful being a child of parents who had divorced.)

My husband is a loving, warm, feminist democrat. He's a great husband and father. I'm truly proud to share his name. I guess that sounds old-fashioned, but he's my best friend and he's always been my #1 supporter.

I have a friend who when he married, they combined their names. That was so cool. Their children have a combination of their two names. That didn't work for me...not just for phonetic reasons...but because of what I described above.

[VelmaD]

73. And there is the problem in an nutshell.

You can keep your maiden name that you likely got from your father...or you can take your husband's name...but you're almost always defined in relationship to some man. It sucks.

[Warpy]

74. I know a couple who decided to take HER name

because they thought it was a pretty cool, Native American name and they both liked it better than his.

His family was bent out of shape over it, but oh well.

I thought it was a classy thing for him to do.

[October]

75. Exactly. n/t

[Sparkly]

79. My maiden name sounds good with my first name.

People in NY frequently asked, "Is that your real name, or a stage name?" It just sounds good. (Except that my first name is Monica, which is now equated with the woman I prefer to call "Ms. Lewinsky" and the act "fellatio.")

I kept my name with my first husband, until my daughter was born. Then I wanted to have the same last name as her, so I added it one, with my last name as my new middle name. (I never liked my middle name anyway.)

Then I divorced, and dropped that last name again.

Then I remarried... I added his last name for "social and legal" reasons, but decided I'd keep my maiden name professionally, so as not to confuse things further. (I still have publications and things out there with my former husband's last name, and wish I could erase it!!)

Then one of Husb's friends asked me to teach him and his daughter piano lessons. Well, I don't really do that, but okay. They told friends about me, who told friends about me, who told friends about me, and gradually as I realized I liked doing it, I also gradually acquired this studio who all know me as Husb's last name. But in other places where I teach, work, and write, I'm the other name. Once an article was published about me in the Baltimore Sun using my maiden/professional name, and our NEIGHBORS didn't even know it was about me!! It's very, very awkward.

I'd just say, whatever one decides, it's best to keep it as consistent as possible!

[bliss_eternal]

80. One of my favorite rockers took his wife's name--

Jack White, was married to Meg (his band mate). When they married, he took her name. ;) I love that story!

I gave up my last name, happily. I no longer wanted to be affiliated in any way with my family's surname--not particularly fond of the first name either. I did not want any name that they gave me, first or last. I actually contemplated changing my name altogether, prior to marriage. I just couldn't decide on one that I liked...lol.

Also--I'm one of those people that is not apt or open to reminiscing with former classmates and such. So, I don't care to be found by anyone from my past, through my maiden name, etc. Anyone that I care to still be in touch with--I am.

I am a survivor of abuse--for me, I prefer to not have a way for people from my past to find me...it has been a problem before, unfortunately. Another reason I considered changing my name. As a survivor, as you heal, you just don't feel like the person that you were before--the person who's name they gave...so that also played a part in my desire to give myself another name--a survivor's name. I still might--who knows. ;)

Yes, I very much am for leaving my past in the past. Had I not got married, I'm sure in time I would have changed my name.