The Wonderful Wedding Industry....just some thoughts

[Heddi]

The 29th of this month marks our 5th wedding anniversary.

We had a beautiful wedding. We planned it all ourselves, paid for it all ourselves, and everything was very low-key, not alot of guests (about 30), and not alot of expense.

We got very interesting and unique wedding rings in silver for about $100 a peice. A friend made my wedding dress for me by hand. My boss made our wedding cake (enough to feed 100--I overestimated the size of the cake, I guess) for $80. I got the flowers for my bouquet the night before the ceremony at a grocery store. I used said flowers for the cake topper after I remembered that I forgot to get one.

I catered the wedding myself, and it cost about $50 for all the food and stuff. My job donated use of the bar for the reception, and my boss bought us a case of wine and a case of champagne as a present.

Our ceremony itself was held outside in a park. Cost $22.50 for four hours of use of the entire park.

There was no muss, no fuss, and no drama associated with our wedding. It was simple, informal, and kind of nothing more than friends and family spending a day together having fun and eating (if I do say so myself) really delicious food.

---

But I remember when we were just planning the wedding. I had bought some Bridal magazines and was just astounded that it's apparently "normal" to spend upwards of $800 for a dress you'll only wear once. That it's apparently "normal" to pass the enormous cost of the wedding off to family members to pay for. That it's acceptable to have parties of two and three hundred people in attendance, most of them you don't know anyways. That it's customary to have tons of bridesmaids and best men and groosmen and ushers and all this shit.

We spent, TOTAL, including rings, no more than perhaps...oh...$300 on our wedding.

My husband's sister got married and her wedding was minimum $20,000. She had the wedding at the church ($2500), the reception at the country club (few thousand plus cost of food & alcohol). The Bentley to take them away ($800). 10 bridesmaids, 10 groomsmen. Ostentaious decorations and several thousand dollars in flowers and party favours.

I just couldn't believe it when I was reading these things. Who can fucking afford THAT SHIT?

And the idea presented in the wedding magazines is GIRLS, THIS IS YOUR DAY---well, true, but it's also the husband's day as well. I know alot of guys don't want any part of the pomp and circumstance involved in planning a wedding, but how much of that has to do with the idea that they SHOULDN'T be involved? That their presence is unwelcome? That they're nothing more than something to get in the way while the girls chatter and coo over whether eggshell, or ivory is a better colour for dresses.

I was SO happy to have my husband help plan the wedding. It was a 2 person event the whole way. No meddling in-laws, no meddling family members telling us that since they're paying for X, then Y will happen. We only invited close friends and family. No "friends of the family" or "You remember uncle john---you were in utero the last time you saw him..."

It was pleasant.

But not all weddings are. I've been to some that would make your hair stand on end. Everyone's upset, everyone's tense, people are fighting, the food's not right, where's the DJ, blah blah blah.

And wrapped up in all of that is the idea that the bride...the virginal young woman...is a PRINCESS FOR A DAY. This day is ALL ABOUT HER. I think this is a TERRIBLE disservice to the women who look at marriage not as a partnership for life, but solely as something for which a wedding will occur because of.

Friends I've had that have gotten married seem to put more energy on planning their can-never-be-topped wedding than they do ensuring that they're marrying someone they're compatible with and will be happy to spend the rest of their lives with. THey're more interested in having a bridal registry than to start off their marriage with no debt and a glowing future.

---

I think the wedding industry does a great disservice to women. We're told through countless magazines and do-it-yourself books that you are only as good as your wedding. That it's okay to loose friends and have bitter relationships with people who don't agree with your precious wedding plans. That people should rise up and drop everything in their lives so that you and your honey can get married on an island, 4,000 miles away from EVERYONE, and get pissed off if Uncle John *gasp* doesn't have the time or money to attend. As one magazine I read put it, "If he loves you like he says he does, he'll FIND a way to get the time and the money to show up."

W
T
F
??

What is that telling women? That the world revolves around you and your overspent ceremony? That the cut of your dress reveals more about your personality than the whole of your life? THat family and friends are disposable entities who must cater to YOUR life, YOUR schedule, and YOUR whim, no matter how often that changes?

---

Immediately upon reading my first bridal magainze did I become one to actively boycott the wedding industry. It's a fucking SCAM, ladies. You do NOT need to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress. YOU DO NOT, regardless of what the magazines say. You do NOT need to feel that you are inadequate because your cake only has 2 tiers instead of 4 (which is all the rage these days...except for next month, when the rage is individual cup-cakes for each guest...then the month after that...)

Men should be encouraged to take equal part in the planning of weddings.

The brunt of the cost should fall on NO ONE other than the two getting married. If you can't afford a $10,000 wedding on your own, then perhaps that's a clue that you shouldn't be HAVING a $10,000 wedding footed by someone else.

You are NOT a failure if your perfect day has imperfections. Rain, snow, late guests, drunk preacher---these are OKAY. Really. If you worry that an imperfect ceremony will negatively impact your marriage for years to come, perhaps you should reevaluate what you feel a marriage is, and whether or not you're ready to enter into such an agreement.

----

Our wedding was cheap---not because it had to be, but because there was no reason for it NOT to be. I fully support local businesses such as flower shops and caterers, but not to the tune of the several THOUSAND dollars they require of their services---services that would be much cheaper if hired for a Bat Mitzva, or birthday. Services whose prices increase 50% as soon as the words "So I'm planning my wedding...." escape the mouth of a customer.

I never felt like a failure, and even if I had a million dollars, I would never have my wedding done in any other way. Everything was personalized in a way that you can't get when you have to choose between 2 cakes in your price range, or 3 dresses that maybe you can afford through financing.

That is...

until my sister in law (ms. $20,000 wedding) made the comment during the reception (which I overheard) "I would DIE if this was my wedding. I'd never be able to look these people in the face. I feel like I'm at a flea market or something. Did it ever occur to her to DECORATE, or maybe get a dress that doesn't make her look so fat??"

sigh.

But I still don't feel down about it. I feel badly for her that she values herself as nothing more than a consumer. That her only lot in life is to buy as much as possible and display it for all to see.

My wedding was perfect AND flawless. Perhaps because I didn't expect perfection, I was surprised when I got it.

---
Actively boycott the wedding industry. Do not play into the tripe they spew forth. If you know someone getting married, encourage him/her/them to make the wedding like THEY want it, not how BRIDE, INC says it should be.

[Finder]

1. Your wedding day sounds beautiful

and was exactly what you wanted. Screw those that said anything derogatory.

I agree the whole Bridal Inc. thing sucks.

[Heddi]

2. I wish people would see these magazines

for what they are---NOTHING BUT ADVERTISING.

The editorials aren't really unbiased editorials....since every product they tout is also featured in ads in the magazine. Not a single product was mentioned in the magazine editorials that wasn't also prominely presented as a full page (or multi-page) advertisement.

Same with Wedding Shows...I HATE those things and actually went to one once (had to pay $15 to get in, even!) and ugh. What an industry. And they're all about the financing---can't afford the dress? Finance it! Can't afford teh flowers? well, just put it on your card. Want a DJ--no problem, we take payments.

ugh. LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS, FOLKS!!!

[Bunny]

3. I got married twenty years ago. My parents paid for everything.

The total cost was probably about $1500. My then fiance and I wanted ONLY immediate family present (about 25-30 people). It pissed off a lot of friends and extended family, but that is what we wanted.

We had a church ceremony, my sister was my maid of honor - I told her to buy a pretty dress (not gown) that she could wear again, and she did. Our friend was the best man, he wore his best suit. My fiance wore his best suit. My dress and hat were about $400. Invites, flowers, cake, and various incidentals were probably around $400. The official reception was a prime rib dinner at a local restaurant for just the immediate family, probably cost around 600-700 bucks.

His sister took the pictures as her gift. And that was about the extent of it.

I thought it was lovely, but it was kind of a disappointment to our families, especially his. Oh well. :shrug: Anyway, the marriage didn't last, so maybe that was a sign? :)

If I ever get married again, I am eloping to Vegas and getting married by an Elvis impersonator. And I am completely serious. There is so much nonsense involved in this Queen for a Day shit - it is ridiculous.

[Heddi]

6. My inlaws were kind of put-off too by our wedding

His family is a bit...not "wealthy", but not necessarily poor either. His dad is rolling in dough, though, greedy bastid :)

My family, on the other hand, is very poor. POOR POOR. That's why I didn't want it formal--my mom couldn't afford a "mother of the bride" dress and I think that would be cruel to make a ceremony so expensive as to price 1/2 of the guests out of it. Instead, she went to the store and bought a very nice skirt and blouse and looked just lovely.

In the begnning when we were first planning it, we thought about having a Tropical Wedding. i'd wear a grass skirt, everyone would be barefoot and in shorts and t-shirts (Charleston gets VERY hot in the summertime and seeing as the wedding was outside, I didn't want a gaggle of 'wilted flowers' passing out from their unbreathable clothing). I thought that would be cute and very much in our style.

Upon hearing this, my mother-in-law (whom I love dearly..but...) threw a fit. Said that we should be putting on a wedding that will make EVERYONE proud, and not do something "Trashy" that we would regret years down the road.

I was so sad, I just cried and cried. My husband wasn't pleased either. She put up such a racket (and then got hubby's sisters involved to add to the pressure) that we just finally said FUK IT and had something more formal. Now I regret making that change. It wouldn't have been TRASHY and even if it was--who fuckkin cares? She wasn't paying a DIME for it, so what the hell input does she think she has?

ah.

But it was perfect and I'd have it no other way. We thought about getting married in Vegas, but realized that no friends or family would come out there, lest it be considered 'trashy' :eyes:

[jmm]

4. I have a theory involving

expensive weddings correlating with short marriages. Sure I know it doesn't always hold true but too many people focus on the wedding but not the marriage itself. I've been to a couple of $100,000+ weddings and they've both ended in less than a year.

If I ever get married I want to elope. Then a year later instead of a wedding I want a casual anniversary party. Anybody can get married but staying married is the difficult part and that is what I want to celebrate. Because I love messing with people a friend suggested last week that tweak this idea a bit by hiding the fact that I'm married and not revealing it until my engagement;-)/anniversary party. I like that idea :D.

[Heddi]

5. I'd be interested to know if anyone did a study

on that--whether there was a correlation between more expensive weddings and shorter marriages.

I know alot of women--and alot of them, sadly, really are without a single clue in the world. They think that everything the TV feeds them is the gods honest truth, that they wouldn't SAY it if it weren't so, and that magazines and entertainment television is the second coming of Christ.

These were the women who were planning their weddings from the time they were 16, and only dated guys in the hopes that one of them would propose to them. I don't know---i think that's kind of warped thinking--I dated my husband because he was a nice guy, not because I wanted to marry him. We 'dated' for 3 years before we got engaged. Granted, we lived together, but marriage was never an issue on the front burner. We just kind of decided to do it one day, got engaged, and had a ceremony 6 months later.

i've known women (and girls, depending on the age) that marry the first person they've ever dated, were engaged only 6 months after knowing this person, married 12 months after that, and divorced by their 3rd anniversary (if not sooner). It seemed that the idea of marriage being as permanent as possible never even entered their mind.

And mind you--I'm no prude, and I see nothing wrong with divorce, per-se, but I feel that alot of people tend to get married and have divorce as "option B" should anything go wrong---I mean, isn't that kind of short-sighted? We've been together for 8 years and DIVORCE has never passed my lips. EVER. But then again, we're normal people who can communicate with each other and don't have drama in our lives.

I agree with you--anyone can get married, but staying married seems to be a task these days.

In South Carolina (where I was married), there's a 24-hour waiting period between applying for a marriage license and getting one. However, one must be separated for an entire YEAR before getting divorced.

I say change that shit around---let people get divorced on a whim--who cares. BUT--Make them have a LONG waiting period BEFORE marriage. Let them THINK about the committment they're making and whether they're willing to wait a year to get a license to marry someone they've only known 6 months.

I also think alot of this boils down to the messages that are sent that women MUST be married to be taken seriously. That anyone who ISN'T married by the time they're 21 is an old-maid loser. Of course, I didn't get married until I was 24...and even then we'd been together for 3 years---I find it odd that we dated longer than most people I know were married...and now we've been together for 8 years and still going strong while all my friends are on their 3rd and 4th marriages.

Am *I* the abnormal one? Trends would state "yes" :)

PS your idea of a marriage is great. I felt like we eloped because it was so small and private and no fuss. I could NOT imagine having to coordinate seating for 200 people. SCROO. THAT. SHIT. My rule was: sit wherever the hell you wanna sit. I'm gonna be over here, drinking some champagne at 2pm, just so ya know

:)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. I've never been married, but I've definitely preferred the informal,

individualistic weddings to the staged affairs, which are boring and deadly.

Back in the days when my mother and grandmother still held out hope for me, they devoted a lot of mental energy to planning my wedding. (My opinion was neither solicited nor wanted). They had a guest list in the hundreds, including people whom I didn't know but who had invited them to their children's weddings. The idea was to collect loot on my behalf from people for whom they had had to buy wedding presents.

Even at age 23, I thought that was the silliest things I'd ever heard of.

[Warpy]

7. Good for you!

Your wedding sounds like the weddings I've gone to and ENJOYED, ceremony on the beach or in someone's garden, reception a covered dish affair at the Grange Hall or in the same garden, everybody contributing, no "wedding planner" rushing around to make sure the garter gets removed, or shooing guests out of the way so the bride and groom can smush pieces of cake all over each other and the photographers will have a clean shot of it (what's WITH that, anyway, and who'd want to preserve it?) or the bouquet gets tossed in JUST the right direction at JUST the right minute.

Give me the do it yourself variety every time, low stress, low cost, and people who enjoy each other's company who all contribute to the party.

I just don't get the whole "wedding industry." I can't imagine putting myself through that kind of performance.

But then I was bored to tears by "bride" dollies and other such things when I was small. Those pseudo Hollywood extravaganzas must be directed to the little girls who play with those dolls and have dreams that end at the altar.

[Hello_Kitty]

9. Fantastically well said Heddi

I've heard it called the Wedding Industrial Complex, and that's very fitting.

Your wedding sounds wonderful and much more enjoyable than most of the foo foo ones I've attended.

I guess one of the benefits of being a bit of a loner and not having too many friends is that I've only been caught in the bridesmaid scam twice.

As for your sister-in-law, geez :eyes: Tell her they make laxatives for that problem of hers....

[Heddi]

10. heh

My SIL has definite "big sister" syndrome. I'm an only child, so I don't get it...this woman is 36 years old and still has this theory that she *IS* the end-all-be-all of the family, ya know.

My husband is 32 and she routinely calls him "little boy" and "little man". As. If.

we just laugh about it even though it's really sad that she's so insecure as a person that she has to hold onto the only power she's ever had in her life--the power of being an older sister to a young boy. Well, honey, that 'little boy' is now a full-fledged adult (as much as she disagrees) and your input matters not one iota in MY household.

Sometimes we fuck with her though, and call her up and ask what she brand of toilet paper she suggests we buy, you know, since she's so far up our ass all the time :) She just gives a pathetic 'ha ha' and then goes about telling us how better our lives would be if we would just reliniqush all control to her and her alone :eyes:

[trotsky]

11. Your wedding sounds much like ours.

We spent maybe $500, invited just close family & friends, and are still married over 10 years later. A wedding lasts a day. Why not use that kind of money to buy a house, which you'll have for years?

My cousin, who got married a year earlier than us, had one of those $25,000 deals and got divorced before their 5th anniversary.

[spooky3]

12. and you didn't have to run away to New Mexico and make up a story!

These extravaganzas create more stress than some people can handle and completely undermine the meaning of the day. Congratulations on your perfect day!

[undergroundpanther]

13. My wedding

was cheep

(I was still partly in the closet and messed up psychologically and involved with a manipulating church)..but

The most expensive thing I got for this"ceremony" was my HUGE obnoxious pageant tiara.. it's almost a foot tall rhinestone encrusted cool as shit.(I like glitter I be a drag king in every sense of the word)I always wanted one and that was my chance.


I hate what white represents in weddings.
I hate how all weddings are the same.
Anyways the dress I got was not white.It was this cool iridescent black/purple 15 bucks at an outlet store this incredible purple and black beaded jacket was 8 bucks(same outlet) I wore my shit kicker Doc Martin boots under my dress. I wore my old workout leggings under it to feel comfortable..
Mom got a cake and bouquet as the bakery was closing..

The wedding was held in the back room of a Macaroni Grill.

The wedding total was no more than 400 bucks.
I dyed my hair purple too..

[UCLA Dem]

15. I feel the same way!! I hate white, boring weddings!! Good for you!!!

[UCLA Dem]

14. I hate the bridal industry too. Its just awful. They try to cram everyone

into a box.

For me, the last thing I wanted was a white dress. To me it represents the oppression of women. Wearing a white dress does not reflect who I am or what I believe one little bit...now let me tell you how hard it was to find a dress in color....ha!!! I ended up having to add lots of color to an ivory dress, which I loved, but I felt like I was the only person on the planet who wanted a colored dress.

I ended up getting what I wanted, but I had to fight for it and I'm glad I did. I didn't change my name either...so between that and the blue dress, my in-laws are still pretty fried.

[Logansquare]

16. I was stunned by the expectations and unsolicited advice

What favors are you giving out?

Why isn't your dress white?

Don't let your fiance wear a green suit!

People don't like red wine; you need to serve only white wine.

etc,etc

I was ready to elope after talking to all my dear ones about it. They all fucking loved our wedding and said it was one of the best ones they ever attended.

[lukasahero]

17. We did "elope"

Not really exactly, people "knew" we were getting married, but we ran away to the West Indies, invited no one and got married by ourselves. Even "rented" witnesses for the whole thing.

It was the BEST decision EVER. We were married in a beautiful old tropical garden, we wrote vows that were meaningful to us and we didn't have to deal with a single "but..." or "whaaaaat?" from anyone in the family. It was literally bliss. Highly recommended. :)

[Logansquare]

18. It sounds lovely--I think you did the right thing

My fiance and I were in our late 30s so we could stand down most of the bullshit from our families and friends. It was just amazing to me that they would never presume to tell us how to decorate our home, yet they were trying to dictate who we could invite to our own wedding!

[BlueIris]

19. I hate marriage so much I could just spit.

All y'all who love it, that's your business. More power to you, I guess. In fact, I picket on the steps on my state capitol every morning trying to secure some form of this kind of institutionalization of relationships for those of the same sex. So, I know that it's your right to want that and I respect your right to your desires. But to me, it's an archaic institution so offensive, oppressive and fucked up that it absolutely baffles me why anyone not obligated by way of religious faith would choose that as a way to manage a life with another person.

And in other news, I hate everything.

That is all.

[lukasahero]

20. A few thoughts

1) If you hate it so much why would you want to "secure some form of this kind of institutionalization of relationships for those of the same sex."?

2) My husband and I got married after same sex marriage was legalized in Massachusetts, where we live, and that legalization did play a role in our going through with our plans.

3) Our marriage was a means of committing ourselves to each other. It doesn't affect us or our marriage one way or another whether anyone else "approves" of our choice.