Marriage...

[Katherine Brengle]

This post is brought on by a combination of having just read this: http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2007/06/13/the-post-on-marriage/

for the first time, and a conversation I had with my husband yesterday.

As I said in my Going Back to Work thread, I have been a SAHM for the past 3 years and am about to start working outside the home again. I am overjoyed about this, because frankly I am just not the kind of woman who can function in this kind of environment, no matter how much I love my family.

So we (my husband and I) sat around yesterday brainstorming about where I could look for a job. I started to get a little frustrated during this conversation because with a considerably higher intelligence level than most people I have met and my BA almost finished, I should be a fine candidate for an entry level position pretty much anywhere.

However, I'm not. I have little work experience outside of retail (though I was an English tutor for awhile in college which is at least a "smart" job). I've spent what would have been my internship years raising a child.

My husband never went to college, is a reasonably smart guy (above average but not quite an astrophysicist level), and is in his second year at a job where he already brings in around $50K a year (in a city where the average household income is about $29K).

I marvel at this. To be completely honest, I am smarter than my husband. I am more educated, I am well spoken, I've been published for crying out loud. I handle our money matters and all other sensitive issues that require diligence and mental fortitude.

Why is he qualified for this great job while I am not?

My husband points out to me, in that ever-so-charming :sarcasm: completely blind man way, that his "real world experience" serving in the military (service which, he has informed me, consisted mostly of drinking beer, eating pizza, and barhopping) somehow entitles him to a good job.

Well, what the fuck does my "real world experience" as a 24-hour full-service EVERYTHING provider earn me?

Most likely a blank stare from whoever interviews me for a job - particularly if that interviewer is a man.

The way I see it, I should get credit for 3 years of leadership experience at the very least.

I do see the family unit (whether traditional or not) as a useful economic tool - without my husband's income, it would be difficult for me to raise my daughter. Without me, he wouldn't be able to afford daycare every day without taking on a second job. I can even see the potential honor and dignity in a woman (or a man for that matter) making the choice to stay home and care for a child.

But as Twisty said, the problem is that it is only one of the better on a long list of really shitty choices.

And it's getting hard for me, already, to tell if my husband is the exception I believed he was when we met, or just another guy getting a sweet deal in the marriage racket.

:(

[ThomCat]

1. I hope your frustration doesn't spill over into your relationship.

You're absolutely right, that you're as qualified as any entry level corporate person. More so. Being a stay at home mom should be one hell of a qualification. It shows that you know how to juggle a lot of work.

But we know that anything men do will be counted as a qualification. Hell, I've seen guys use their experience on neighborhood football leagues as experience, and get kudos for it.

Just from reading your posts here I would recommend you up for a management training position if I could.

[Katherine Brengle]

4. Well I appreciate that --

and this frustration did lead to a rather long and not quite yet finished discussion here at home, though I think it will work out okay in the end.

Work-wise, it turns out the manager I will be interviewing with sometime soon is at least a woman, so there's a *chance* of a bit of empathy there, but no guarantee, as we all know.

[Book Lover]

2. Step back a second

Have you actually applied for work and been told that because you have no in-work experience that you are unqualified? Or is the above the result of your conversation with your spouse only?

The other thing I wanted to say was that, in fact, you do have experience. You said so in your post. You put that down on your resume: you have experience regarding time management, personality management, and budgeting.

One final piece of advice: brainstorm with someone else.

[Katherine Brengle]

5. Good advice -

and for the record, he didn't say that. He was just unintentionally condescending when I was venting about not having a lot of useful work experience. I do have *some* and hopefully it will be enough to get me in the door and then I can make some headway :D.

I managed to dredge up my old work info and phone numbers, though I doubt after this long that anyone will be around who knew me then :D.

[ismnotwasm]

3. Oh boy

You bring up a great point. When women get married, the "family" part, having kids, cleaning up after them, sacrificing careers falls on us nearly always. Reentering the workforce is no picnic. Although women have made gains, there is an interesting problem. Apply for a job where mostly men work, and you most likely won't get hired, unless there has been active affirmative action type recruiting. They won't give you the real reason, which is Women Are Trouble They Have Hormones, (or some such nonsense) On the other hand, my profession, nursing, would love to have more men and part of the reason is Men Have More Clout. As in union participation, being and "accepted" when they raise hell about problems rather than being considered "passive-aggressive" or the infamous "bitch" Yes, that dichotomy exist even in the predominantly female nursing, especially when dealing with upper management levels. But it's on the floor as well. In fact institutionalized sexism when it's revealed in nursing is often revealed in the faces and stories of nurses who weren't heard, and suffered injury because of it.

I was just talking to a young co-worker, a hospital assistant who recently had a baby. Hospital assistance don't make that much money, her husband makes way more. He made a comment about "MY money" I don't remember the context. Then it was "Aw you know I'm just kidding" She was pissed off anyway, and is finding herself in that clean the house and take care of the baby and put school on hold position. She one of the ones who listens to me about feminism, and is very clear on what is going on, but feels helpless to make changes. Her husband is a "good guy" Most of these guys are, really.

My daughter and her husband both spent nearly ten years in the army. She is now a personal trainer, which she's happy at, and what she wants to do. BUT when she was interviewing for other management type jobs, (In the army she worked supply, which including ordering, tracking and warehousing large, valuable equipment and supervising the unloading of delivery planes, including supervising who was doing the unloading) she ran into the same problems you're talking about. She thinks she would have been hired, but she was flat out told at one interview that men don't "want a women boss" Jesus.

A quick comment about marriage. I've said this before, my husband has Multiple Sclerosis. I always say he's been cleansed by fire, because when gender roles come in he gets hurt by what he can't do. Our roles have nearly always reversed or become meaningless. He adapts, and I've never met a stronger, more determined human being, despite the fact he's been "feminised" in ways feminist philosophy explains. I'm no fan of marriage, but I will always feel it was the best thing to do in out circumstances, but I can't help but wonder if he had not had the life experiences he's had would I be as content?

[Katherine Brengle]

6. I guess you'll never really know...

but I understand what you mean.

The place where I am hoping to get hired right now is predominantly female, so I'm hoping that will work in my favor.

It's hard, even when you see it happening, to not get sucked into the mommy-slave role when you have a child... I do believe that my husband is a good man and that he means well, he's just been wired like all men - to expect control and expect others to sacrifice. I talked to him about this as well and he can see it, it's just hard to change - I find myself falling into certain modes of behavior that I detest all the time, just because I've been well-trained to act a certain way.

[MountainLaurel]

7. That's a great point

KB wrote:

It's hard, even when you see it happening, to not get sucked into the mommy-slave role when you have a child... I do believe that my husband is a good man and that he means well, he's just been wired like all men - to expect control and expect others to sacrifice.

You know, I have been so afraid of that happening that I made a decision a while ago that I could be a mother, or I could be a wife, but not both. Knowing myself, I figured that I just couldn't take the intrinsic unfairness of it.