Motivation, or, in the words ov Genesis P-Orridge, "The Process"

[Systematic Chaos]

If you don't get that extremely obscure reference, do a quick google on it for fun. The guy's a nut but still pretty damn cool. :)

I hope this post doesn't turn into a freaking novel, but there is a lot I can say about what has led me here to this crossroads I currently stand at in my life. At least the obvious reasons for wanting to lose this weight don't require much explanation: Feeling horrible, worry about a drastically shortened life span, lack of energy and medical expenses. It's a world just about every overweight person gets to spend "quality time" in eventually. :eyes:

In my case, I've been see-sawing back and forth on this whole weight thing, alternating doing the right things over 90% of the time with rampant self-sabotage and absolutely legendary levels of depression in a cycle of 1 - 3 years, since my late teens. When I felt that things in my life were going reasonably well, sticking to an exercise regimen and controlling how much - and later what - I ate wasn't that hard to do. In my entire life, there was only one brief period where I was in any kind of shape at all, and that was when I was 17 and fresh out of high school. I weighed in at 235 and would regularly race walk or bicycle up to 5, 6 or more hours per day going from friend's house to friend's house or running with a pocket full of quarters to some video arcade or another back when that was the rage for social misfits everywhere. For the only time in my whole life, I was even able to run - albeit slowly - for several blocks before having to slow down.

When things in my life got bad - and usually it would be my own fault that they did but sometimes fate liked to give me an extra kick or three in the head for fun - I would isolate myself from almost everybody and eat as if that's the only activity other than sleeping or brooding that I was programmed to do. At times it was bad enough that only 3 hours after demolishing a 16 inch pizza with the works, I would start planning which flavor of ice cream - in a half gallon container - I would plow through that evening. Oh, and would I supplement that with a box of Pop Tarts, a 15-ounce bag of Doritos or a package of Nutter Butters?

What caused these radical swings, now that I can look back on my life a little more objectively, was that when I was on the right path I simply wasn't doing it for myself. Instead, I was pursuing the ideal that somehow, someday, somewhere I would find someone to love and be loved by. If I thought I had a shot at a relationship with some girl I would bust my ass to prove that I had something to offer in spite of my geekiness and oh-so-debonair fashion sense. Even if there was a hope of some level of friendship, any kind of rejection would hurt. Bad. The bottom line is that, in order to really succeed at improving yourself, you have to have an element of selfishness in the equation. That's one of those ultimate cliches that we've all heard thousands of times, but until you really grok the concept, success will prove to be elusive.

I had been researching nutrition and the effects of diet and exercise on weight since the early 90's, and I found the person who I believe to be the absolute straightest shooter in the whole diet "business". His name is Dr. John A. McDougall. His is by far one of the least known names among all the published diet experts, simply because his methods are the furthest removed from the standard American diet. I learned about him one afternoon, sitting in my apartment on yet another depressing day, when he had an infomercial that aired. What he was selling was only a couple of books and supplemental materials, and nothing else. The arguments presented were the most innately sensible things I'd ever heard. He stressed that when you ordered his plan all you did was go out and buy healthy foods. There was not a continuing regimen of supplements you had to take, and no specialized, proprietary foods to purchase. I was suitably impressed enough, and desperate enough, that though I couldn't afford the $50 or $60 for the package offered on the TV, I would go out soon thereafter and buy the book that contains his main premise, simply titled "The McDougall Plan". I won't get preachy, but I most certainly will get a bit opinionated when I say that his approaches are the right ones, and all the popular diets (especially anything high protein) are playing with fire. The link to his website is above. Click it, read some of the information and make your own informed decision. That's all I can ask.

Fast forward to the 21st century, and I'm now entering my 30's. I've become resigned to a lifetime of loneliness and celibacy by now, but another set of stressors concerning my relationships with my family and chronic job dissatisfaction really took their toll. I hit a bottom of 302 (from a peak of at least 375) back in the year 2000, when I was out walking almost every single night. I started at one mile and within 4 months my longest walk was over 9 miles in about 2:15, with an average nightly distance of 5 miles. By 2003 I was back up to almost 425 and some interesting things were happening....

I started noticing that my feet and lower legs were getting extremely soft and puffy, and if I put on tight socks there would be a difference of nearly an inch in the diameter of the leg between the area covered by the sock and the area immediately above it. The problem started spreading into my hands as well shortly thereafter, and even better a tiny nick on my left shin became this seeping horror that literally discharged enough fluid that by the time I got home from a day of work standing at blackjack tables, my whole shoe, sock and foot were drenched as if I were out dancing in puddles like some morbid Fred Astaire wannabe doing Elvis the day before the incident on the toilet. NO EXAGGERATION!

At the exact same time this was happening to me, I had made the decision to try looking for a potential partner one last time. I was stuck sharing a small crappy apartment with my mother, who for most of my life I could hardly stand to talk to, letting her live with me because without my help she'd have chosen the streets. It was possible - barely - to survive with a roof and food on the $1050 a month she got in Social Security, but slot machines and smokes were always higher priorities. I was determined to escape a lifetime of that arrangement by death if necessary, and since I didn't have the heart to put mom on the street I decided that the only thing that would save me was an understanding, kindred spirit who would provide a buffer and some much needed sanity. I got lucky, in spades, when the third ad I responded to on match.com was from a young lady in Phoenix. I had to expand my search range outside of Vegas because the scene here is patently hopeless. That begs the question "Well then why the HELL didn't you leave?", but I digress....

We hit it off like I never thought was humanly possible, and on the one month anniversary of our first e-mail exchange, I made plans to spend the weekend in Phoenix. And that meant that I had to actually use my health insurance for something other than my trimonthly bouts of bronchitis and get my waterlogged, horror show legs treated. I will never forget, just two days before I was scheduled to leave for Phoenix, calling Jeanette from the doctor's office and begging her to not change her mind about me because I didn't have the courage to admit to her how bad my condition was, or to seek treatment two months earlier. Armed with some heavy diuretics, industrial grade ointments and a supporting cadre of bandages and first aid tape, I went to Phoenix and had the best weekend of my life.

My leg problem began to heal (it took almost 6 months for the indentations in my flesh to smooth out, and I'll always have scarring), but then other problems became highly apparent. I was happy knowing that I had met my future wife, but at the same time I couldn't stay awake for more than a couple hours at a time. I slept on the bus rides both to and from work. I fell asleep in front of my computer every night while trying to play an online game called EverQuest, my adventuring groups dropping me when I would just run my character into a wall and run in place without any response to people's communication. I almost got killed driving home from Phoenix that first time, when I drifted off at the wheel on highway 93 a few miles short of Kingman. I nodded off as I was approaching a bend to the right on that hilly, curvy highway, and if it hadn't been for a once-every-5-minutes approaching car whose headlights pierced my nearly shut eyes, I would have gone right off the left shoulder of the road at nearly 60 miles an hour. As it was, I had literally less than a quarter of a second to jerk the steering wheel and throw the car (a Honda Accord) back into my lane. The car literally rocked back and forth from the whooooooosh of the approaching car as we passed. I was probably no more than two inches away from killing myself and whoever was in that other car.

I'm sorry, what was that I said two hours ago about not making a huge post out of this? Shall we publish this in three volumes or just pull a Steven freaking King with it? :hide:

Jeanette's mother is a nurse, and upon hearing of my problem, she ordered me to go back to my doctor, who could and probably should have given me the written screening test for sleep apnea based only upon my weight and accompanying health problems. I was not to leave the office until I had a referral for a sleep study. I got my sleep study about 3 weeks later, and the results were pretty damn obvious. Normally, when this particular outfit did a study on you, you would not have to be connected to one of their CPAP machines unless your breathing stopped either 5 times in the first hour or 15 times in the first two. Well, I'm lying there and before I know it the nurse is back in, gently tapping me. She simply said "You're going on the machine. NOW." and went to get the setup gear. Once that mask was on my face and I spent about 3 minutes getting used to the strangeness of it, I was back asleep in moments and did not MOVE until I was woke up at the end of the study, about 5 hours later. At this point, the nurse gave me a printout showing me the results. My breathing cut out over ninety times in the first hour. My blood oxygen saturation hit a low of 72%. The poor woman couldn't comprehend how I was still alive, as this was one of the worst cases she'd ever seen. I knew what she was talking about when, on just that 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I was able to stay up until after midnight that night (over 18 hours), feeling like a whole new man the whole time. I got a CPAP machine soon thereafter and still need to use it, but I would hazard a guess that my apnea isn't as bad now as it was then. In time it should go away completely.

Next, I had to be treated for type 2 diabetes, but that was caught almost immediately and responded quickly to minimal medication. Over the next two years I slowly lost weight by following McDougall's advice most of the time and exercising at home. I made it down to 378 when one morning Jeanette and I decided to go out and do some major shopping. We walked a long distance that day, and the next morning my feet hurt so badly I almost couldn't make it to the bathroom to pee when I got up. I was horrified. I now have an intimate familiarity with plantar fasciitis, and I need to give a tremendous shout of "thanks" to the foot doctors who waited nearly a year to put me on a treatment that would actually help. In that year, I became depressed because I could barely work, and the resulting drop in income caused me to lose pretty much everything. In addition, my mother (who I was on better terms with by then) died and I lost a lot of stuff in a break-in. My weight crept back up until, finally, my third foot doctor put me in a cast for 6 weeks. That ended back in early June, and there was noticable improvement in my left foot which until that time completely resisted treatment. Problem was, the inactivity coupled with massive doses of anti-inflammatories that promote water retention caused my right leg to swell up. That resulted in a new cellulitis infection that decided to mutate into a full-blown ulcer. Ouch.

I get very annoyed with myself, even now, knowing that this last bout of weight gain was completely uncalled for. Yes, I was in pain. No, I couldn't exercise much. But, my horrible food decisions while I languished in my discomfort brought on a whole new set of problems and erased two years of hard work. There will never again be any doubt in my mind that eating right has to be the top priority no matter what might happen to me. I could easily be below 300 at this point rather than my 407 of this morning, and I have to own up to my poor judgement.

And this brings me to my list of reasons for this new level of commitment.

"About time, lard boy!!"

Hey! Who said that?? :evilgrin:

Firstly, I am now up to my eyebrows with our entire health care system. I'm fed up with doctors, HMO bureauracracy and medications whose side effects are almost as bad as what they're designed to treat. When the purpose of our medical establishment is no longer to prevent illness, but rather to herd people into a room for 15 minutes so that pills can be dispensed based upon complaints and rather generic test results, something is just... not... right!

That leads me to my next observation, which tells me that even if I chose to depend on legal drug pushers to sustain me until my vital organs finally jumped this sinking battleship like drowned rats, where am I supposed to get a continuing supply of pills when the oil that is needed to manufacture and distribute them runs out? I am not suicidal anymore. Not actively, as I was in my early 20's, or passively as I was when I stuffed my face like no tomorrow. I want to survive no matter what the future brings. It's readily apparent that there is just no way that's going to happen until I'm in good enough shape for my body to monitor and heal itself. It can be done. Still. Even now. But it's up to me.

And you know what else? Since I've been tuning in regularly to Mike Malloy's radio show every night I've been more angry with the powers that be than I have ever been before. Why should I ever give these pigs the satisfaction of paying for their golf club memberships with the profits from my illnesses? F**K THAT!! I hate the bastards, yet I'm going to just lay down and let them win? Nah. Not me.

And this leads me naturally into yet another point, concerning Cindy Sheehan. That wonderful, beautiful human being and her many supporters are sitting outside, in conditions that equal or surpass those of Las Vegas for their sheer discomfort, and fighting for what has got to be the most worthwhile cause of this new millennium. And me? Even if I could go down there and offer my enthusiasm and support for her cause, which I would love to do, I know that within four hours of arriving along that roadside I'd be a dead man. I think back to the days of my youth, when spending an entire 110 degree day outside didn't faze me one bit as long as I had ready access to cold liquids, and I cry out with frustration inside. I'm seriously ready to eschew this whole slave-like existence I'm in, tied down to a horseshit job and fretting the rent and bills every week to actually get out there and make shit happen and yet here I am barely mobile by my own design. No, no, NO!!!

So, to summarize my personal motivations for turning my life around at this point, they've been kind of like this huge planetary conjunction that makes dedicated astrologers drool. Everything has just clicked. It is important to note that unlike all the times in the past where my weight would rebound by up to 150% of what I'd lost in the matter of only a few months, I gained back only 2 more pounds this time, it took much longer to do and with circumstances that at least hint at validity this time (though I still take 100% of the blame), and the turnaround has come much more quickly and decisively. I really do believe that I'm going to get it right this time. It won't be easy and I may have moments of weakness, but that's okay. They're but mere moments and not defining events. One slip does not have to equate to a 50 pound swing. One slip also does not have to indicate a trend. I have excellent nutritional information, I have my wonderful old bike, and barring that I still sorta have my feet. If all of that goes, I have sitting in a chair and moving my arms and doing abdominal bends. Anything to keep this alive, and to keep me alive.

To conclude this whole humongous post - and I hope that those of you who actually made it this far are feeling somewhat reassured :P - I want to talk about how my wonderful wife, Jeanette, is handling this. She has been there for me from the beginning. That fateful day back in 2002, when I was trying to contend with the Leg That Ate Kalamazoo and sobbing into my cell phone in a state of abject terror, I understood once and for all that I had found what I'd waited over 33 years for. She has been a pillar of stability for me, and has put up with my insecurity, crabbiness and plodding indecisiveness with hardly a complaint. She is completely amenable to the diet changes I'm trying to implement and actually likes many of the "health nut" items I use, such as tofu and whole grain products. She herself is about 40 pounds overweight and actually has worse blood sugar problems than I do, but otherwise she is doing okay. She will be out riding with me on occasion once I get into a set pattern. We are looking forward to a day, before it's too late, when we can actually try and start a family without the risk of horrible pregnancy complications, or one or both of us not living to see our son or daughter finish high school.

Wow. That's about it I think. What I hoped to talk about in bits and pieces just sort of gushed out all at one time. At least there is little chance that any post of mine in the future will end up longer than this one. And most importantly, this is not supposed to just be a thread about me. My intention was to create a thread wherein those of us who are frequenting this forum could talk about their own stories and why their fighting the good fight to get in shape and reclaim their health, and compare notes. I sincerely hope everyone will chip in and we can have a great discussion here. And most of all, if you made it all the way down here, I thank you for your time. This ended up taking nearly four hours to compose, and I'll be putting a modified version up on my blog.

Cheers!

:grouphug: :toast: :grouphug:

[Droopy]

1. I read the whole thing and I was not disappointed

This topic is obviously very important to you. It's very important to me as well. I have a feeling that you will not fail this time. Your heart and soul are into what you are doing. That's the way I feel right now. I cannot describe to you how much better I feel now that I've stopped smoking, drinking, and eating fast food and taken up working out and dieting. I have a history of mental illness and I know what mania feels like. Right now I feel a little manic I feel so good. I will be monitoring my mood to see if this is not some symptom that's coming back, but I don't think it is. I think my body is just blessing me with a positive attitude now that I've started to treat it right. One of the things that I've been able to do that I haven't in a long time is talk at length with someone. Most of the time I just haven't had much to say to anybody over the last several years. Now I can't stop talking. My mom called me today and I talked to her for about a half hour. I haven't talked at that length in probably five years.

I just feel really good and I hope you will be experiencing the same euphoria as well.

[Systematic Chaos]

3. You're doing so well. I'm proud of you.

Conquering one lifelong (or at least long term) problem, such as weight, is hard enough. You are taking on a number of issues all at once and doing very well with it. The inner strength that must require is hard for me to comprehend. I would just assume that for now, your emotional high is due to adjustments in your biochemistry caused by detoxifying yourself. Also, think of the endorphins you are releasing into your bloodstream when you work out. If there's any evidence of an impending crash, please let us know right away so we can try to help.

And congratulations on opening up to your mother. That is something I no longer have the option to do, and in spite of all the problems we had I really wish she could be here to see how I'm feeling lately.

[auntAgonist]

2. thanks GG for such an indepth

report on how you have dealt with weight and health issues in your life. It's truly a pleasure to get to know you through your writing. Jeanette is a lucky gal!
I am going to enjoy watching you SUCCEED!!!

best regards to you and yours


kesha.

[Systematic Chaos]

4. Thank you so much, auntAgonist!

I hope that between my posts here, and my blog, I will be able to help people while at the same time keeping myself in focus. If I can somehow manage to do both of those things then I've accomplished as much as I can hope for. :)

[lavenderdiva]

5. Thank you Gentle Giant for sharing your story so intimately...

You are a very talented writer. Have you ever considered doing anything with this gift?

I think many of us here can relate to several of the situations you mention in your story; I know I can. I think I struggle with feelings of hopelessness, sometimes just not wanting to be here, inadequacy, lack of purpose and direction. 'Just' stuff like that. Plus I love food. Certain food. I think I medicate myself with food. I'm a pretty picky eater, which surprises people who see me. My size wouldn't indicate that I'm a picky eater. But the foods I like, I REALLY like. Portion control is a problem. During the day, I can be pretty good about what I'm eating and how much. But once dinner comes, I lose control. Its not like I'm eating plates and plates of food, but my portions are definitely larger than what I should be having, were I more concerned about the impact carrying all this extra weight is having on my health.

I have high blood pressure and plantar fasciitis. The HBP was diagnosed and the plantar fasciitis I had to figure out, because we don't have insurance. So there are no checkups in my immediate future, to check cholesterol levels, pre-diabetes, etc. I just have to hope for the best.

For my whole life, up to my late 20's, I was normal weight. Just a few pounds fluctuation here and there, although my mother would chide me about even those few. Then, for whatever reason, I started eating with abandon, and gained up to 200lbs, very quickly. I stayed at that weight for a couple of years, broke up with my boyfriend at the time, and decided I was tired of looking/feeling that heavy. I lost 75lbs over the next 1-1/2 years. I felt great and looked great too. I got very involved in competitive ballroom dancing, and ended up being ranked 2nd in the U.S. pro-am. I practiced 5-6 hrs/day, worked out in the gym another 2 hrs a day, every day. I was an athlete training for the next event, and had the body to show for it. This went on for several years, until my dancing partner and I called it quits. Within a year, I had put on 70lbs, and over time added another 25lbs. This all happened back in the late 1980's/early 90's, and I am now at an all time high of 225lbs, and feel miserable physically and mentally. I have been carrying all this extra weight since 1991.

I used to be very stylish and love clothes. Let me rephrase that: I still love beautiful things, I just don't wear them anymore. All my everyday clothes are shades of grey and black. Sometimes, I will throw in a shirt with color, but my pants are always grey. I have been shopping in the men's section, because I don't fit in the women's section anymore. Its very depressing. Because of how these few shopping forays made me feel, I haven't been shopping for any new clothes in over 3 years. Nothing. Not to mention my husband and I have fallen on very difficult financial circumstances, which prevent us from doing anything really, except maybe see a movie once in a very great while. I don't foresee that situation changing anytime soon, so we must make do in the interim.

10 years ago, my parents died within 4 months of one another, and that sent me into a tailspin. I don't know what the symptoms of a nervous breakdown are, but I may have had one. I was diagnosed with major depression, and took medication to treat it, and therapy to help with it. I did that for over 3 years. My diagnosing psychiatrist eventually took me off of the medication because he thought I was well enough on my own. I was feeling much better. I couldn't afford the therapy anymore, and I really don't think my therapist was doing much to help anyway, so I eventually stopped that. While I definitely don't think I am as depressed as I was back then, I wouldn't be surprised to discover I had some low-grade depression. But I'm not on medication for it. Even if I had a prescription for it, we couldn't afford it.

I was 44 before my husband came along, and I had never been married before. I hadn't even dated, at all, for 12 years prior to his coming along! I had turned into a recluse (my mother said that the only man I would ever meet would be the UPS man, as I never left the house). My dad would remind me that men aren't attracted to big women. While I'm sure they were well-meaning, they weren't doing alot to help my self-esteem. Like you, Gentle Giant, I never thought I would find someone to love me, even though I prayed sooo hard for it! Well, God must have heard my prayers, because he sent me my husband, who is a sweetie, and doesn't care what size I am. He does wish, for my health's sake, that I could lose the weight, but he loves me no matter what.

Exploring the job market, which would help our situation immeasurably, has been depressing. I think, because of my size, I get overlooked a lot for jobs that I know I am qualified for. I don't get offered the good-paying jobs, which further sinks my self-esteem.

I look back at my situation many years ago, when I was able to lose 75lbs all by myself successfully, and wonder how in the hell did I do that? How was I able to maintain some semblance of motivation, determination, and willpower for such a long time? I just don't have any answers. Did I lose some part of myself that enabled me to be determined and focused, that allowed me to think better of 'me', and see some future for myself? How do you go about getting back your self-esteem and self-respect? What makes you want to keep trying? I am stymied and wish I had these answers. Maybe, if I could figure it out, I could start on a solid path back to health and well-being. Right now, I struggle with being on a 'plan' for a day or so, and then something will happen that I comfort myself with food, and I'm back to square one. Its a cycle that just keeps repeating itself, and one that I wish would end. I do want a happy ending to my story-- that I lose the weight, have a great job, feel fulfilled and think of myself as attractive again-- I just don't know how to motivate myself to GET the happy ending for myself. A lifetime of 'watching' the world and not really participating in it. I still kinda feel like that. There is a certain fear in participating fully, and a fear of NOT participating. Does that make sense? I hate to think of myself turning into someone who keeps looking BACK at what she accomplished (past tense), rather than forward to what could be, and making THAT happen.

I read your story Gentle Giant, and marvel at your determination and focus. I am grateful that you joined our group and have shared your story. You are an inspiration, and a treasure, I suspect....

[Systematic Chaos]

6. Thank you for sharing your story with us, lavenderdiva.

I have started a regimen where I go to bed no later than 8:30 pm now, and I get off work at 7. So, there's not much time for me to do the DU until the following morning. I had time to read this post last night, and I immediately had Jeanette read it before we turned in. It's a touching story, and in many ways it seems similar to mine. You deserve much credit and praise simply for being able to hold yourself together as long as you did, with the loneliness and loss you had to endure. I want to especially thank you for the compliment about my writing. :) I think that someday I might try to write a self help book of some kind, but that would require education in addition to life experience. Something I don't talk about much, but that I will share here, is that someday I would like to go back to school and get a degree in nutrition, and also study holistic medicine from one of the prestigious schools that do exist, but that you never hear about because our wonderful FDA will have none of it. :eyes:

To address the many points you made in your post, I'll start by sharing how I try to keep what really amounts to a complete lifestyle overhaul and a daunting amount of effort - at least when viewed as a whole - in perspective and avoid becoming overwhelmed and/or giving up. The best way to look at it is not "Oh my God, I have to lose over 200 pounds. There is just no way I can do all that now, so why try?" Instead, I believe the best approach is to take it one small element at a time. To begin with, I'm out of shape and tire easily. So, regardless of what I weigh, I can work on that one thing. Everyone can exercise, unless they are either comatose or stricken completely immobile by some kind of wasting illness. Even those people you hear about now and then who have to have walls removed from their homes to get them to the hospital because their weight is a 4-digit number can lay in bed, listen to classical music and pretend that they're conducting the orchestra while holding a pencil or small stick. In fact, some guy named Walter who was in the news back in the 1990's, and who was almost 1,200 pounds when he got help, began losing weight doing just that. If it gets your heart rate up and doesn't cause lasting pain, it is good.

So, given that both you and I have foot problems (I have some degeneration in my ankles now in addition to remnants of my plantar fasciitis), our best alternatives involve exercise that is non-impact. Bicycling is absolutely perfect for us, because we're not putting more than a small percentage of our weight on our feet. Do you own a bicycle? If not, could you possibly afford to buy a cheap used one and have it tuned up? You don't need anything expensive to get started. My bike cost me $220 new 10 years ago, in a shop that had many models priced around 20 times more. At 225, a ladies' bike from any department store should carry you just fine, new (around $150) or used (a lot less). You don't need a lot of riding space to start with either. Any stretch of road that is relatively quiet and gives you a quarter mile or more before you have to turn around is excellent.

As for the eating problems, I tend to have similar things happen to me with wanting to overeat in the evening, when I'm just kinda sitting around. The best way to help yourself overcome that is to eat in such a way that you can keep satisfied without consuming too many calories. Do you like potatoes? How about brown rice? Starches such as those should form the bulk of our diets, supplemented with vegetables and fruits, with small amounts of vegetable protein from beans or nuts and very little fat. Consider this: potatoes are extremely low in calories by weght, at 0.6 calories per gram, or about 17 calories per ounce. In order for you to consume 1500 calories in a day, which is what your body will need to run at optimum energy while still allowing weight loss, you would need to consume just over 5 1/2 pounds of potatoes per day! Brown rice, at 1.1 calories per gram would allow a hair over 3 pounds per day. Both of these things are very inexpensive and easy to prepare, and if you throw in some beans or vegetables here and there, and vary the kinds of spices you season your staple foods with, they won't become boring. Let me also add that potatoes are so nutritionally complete that if you were stuck with only one food source for a period of months or even years, you would fare better on potatoes than just about anything else we know of. Ms. Dash spice blends work wonderfully on baked potatoes, and you can make good mashed potatoes by adding unsweetened soy or rice milk. Best of all, because your diet will also be very high in fiber, you will have two additional benefits. First, so long as you keep your portions small but steady throughout the day, your blood sugar won't throw you to the pavement if it has a tendency to run high or low. Next, you'll be as regular as clockwork. I'm just throwing these suggestions out to you, because when I've lost weight this is how I've done it, and the whole time I felt wonderful. As long as you keep eating continuously throughout the day, you also won't break down and feel the urge to binge in the evening, because you'll be able to continue eating small portions of these healthy foods until just before bedtime without any ill effects.

Well then, how do I plan to keep my self esteem high enough to not sabotage myself as I've done in the past? Part of it will be through coming here every day and asking for support if I really need it, as I hope you will too. And on that note, let me recommend something else you could try to brighten up your appearance and help you feel more attractive. Start looking around in unlikely places for clothes that will fit you and which look more comfortable. There is nothing wrong with checking the local thrift stores every couple weeks, if for no other reason than to have an excuse to get out and move around a bit. There are plenty of places that offer women's clothing in plus sizes that aren't too expensive. Is there a Suzie's Deals near you? If not, try checking the clearance items at blair.com. They have things there that go at least up to a size 3x in women's and 4x in men's, and they're not expensive. You can order from them through the mail, too. Jeanette and I have shopped there and have never been dissatisfied with their products or service. You owe it to yourself to wear pretty clothes. If you surround your body in drab colors, it really will rub off on your emotions over time.

It seems as though we were both hurt by a lot of negative feedback from our parents when we were younger, and it has affected us way down deep. My father died when I was 6, and he spent a lot of time complaining about how my mother would overfeed me. Of course, the stress caused by arguments at the dinner table would only make me want to eat more. My two brothers, who are far older than I am and who weren't around all that much, tended to be more cruel than supportive as well. I will never forget a conversation I had with my mother a number of years ago where she said something like, "I always knew you had two complexes as a child". I asked her what she meant by that and her answer was "well, you were always very heavy and you were much smarter than everyone else". Stunned, I asked her why she didn't make an effort to help me if the problems were that clear. She just said "Oh, well I figured everything would sort itself out on its own". I reminded her of just how nicely everything nearly "sorted itself out" when, at the age of 20, I tried to commit suicide by gulping down 48 Nytol tablets (which I told nobody about, not even my roommate, until I was halfway recovered from it almost a full week later, but suffering from extreme hunger and dehydration because I couldn't see or move well enough to get stuff from the kitchen), and stormed out of the room. From what you say, you are lucky you didn't end up anorexic because of your mother's criticism of a couple extra pounds. That kind of thing is just way too common anymore, you know?

Putting painful childhood memories behind you is never an easy thing, but it can be done. All the people who insult me, past or present, about my weight simply aren't worth my time, and their opinions of me don't have to reflect upon my own self opinion unless I choose to let them. Anymore I don't. In fact, I'll usually try to beat people at their own game. It tends to shut them up in a hurry. :)

Just do this thing one step at a time, the way I am. Make finding prettier clothes a part-time hobby. Find a cheap but workable bicycle and use it every day, weather permitting. Eat better, feel fuller doing it, and lose weight while saving money. You are very fortunate to have a husband who sees the good in you. Talk to him about some of these ideas and ask him for his advice, support and participation. Once you get the ball rolling, it will become a harder and harder pattern to break as long as you have support systems in place. Make use of them. Come to us here if you need to. It helps. It really does. I only wish I would have opened up like this back when I joined DU in 2002. It might have made a big difference, especially during this last cycle of weight gain.

Once again, I ended up posting more than I thought I ever could. :) I hope you'll find it helpful though.

Cheers! :hug:

[lavenderdiva]

7. Gentle Giant, you do NOT need to go to school to write a self-help book

do you re-read what you post? You have such an innate sense of what to say, and how to say it! You are a VERY gifted writer, and it seems to come naturally to you. There are LOTS of very educated people out there who fancy themselves writers, but you have the gift of encouragement, and the talent to be able to convey it to others without prejudice or condemnation. That is a rarity. You already have the smarts and the tools to make it happen. A degree, while nice, may give you validation, but I can't see how it could hone what you already have in spades!

Thank you ever so much for so kindly and generously responding to my rather lengthy post! You have given me many helpful ideas. I do have a bike, but it needs a new inner tube and a new seat. Its very uncomfortable to sit on for any period of time. But I can work on that. Bike-riding would be a great exercise for me just now, as my foot hurts so much lately. I hadn't thought of that. I just kept looking at my treadmill and thinking how much pain that I was going to be in once I knuckled down and got on it! But I would much rather go bike-riding, and not hurt my feet. Great idea!

I do love potatoes, especially baked potatoes! I'm not such a fan of rice however. I have tried Atkins, and did lose weight, feeling great while on it. However, I think I have to select some sort of an eating program that I can stay on for the rest of my life. More a modified portion of what I regularly would select to eat. I really need to watch my portion sizes and eating times. Just that alone would help me tremendously.

I do tend to overwhelm myself looking at the big picture of losing 95lbs. You are right, I just need to get through today, and only think about each meal as it happens. Celebrate any successes that I had today.

Thank God for this forum, and for those who have found their way here! This is literally a life-saver for me. Thank you and Jeanette for taking the time to read my post and carefully address my concerns. God bless you both!! :pals:

[Systematic Chaos]

9. Jeez, you're starting to embarrass me!

:)

If you keep it up, I'm going to have to have the doorways in my apartment widened from the size of my head, rather than my body! Never before in my life have I felt the drive to be this vocal in a public forum. I know I have a vocabulary that comes from being glued to books rather than sports as a kid, but I have never thought much of it. It just makes me tingle inside to read what you are saying, and it's a tremendous boost to my self-confidence. Thank you so much!! :yourock:

You can get your bike fixed and be very comfortable on it for $50 at the most, and you don't have to spend all of it at one time. The seat I bought for my bike is made by a company called Serfas. It's just one of many brands of seats that are on the market now that are filled with a tush-pampering gel material. Some of these seats run as low as about $20, but it's probably a good idea to spend more on better materials and manufacturing. As for the inner tube, those aren't expensive, and you can virtually eliminate the possibility of future flats by having a pair of "toughies" installed inside your tires. They're just strips of very thick and tough material (polypropylene or some such) that almost nothing can pierce. I have them, and I have only had the slowest of leaks in my rear tire for the past couple years. I just add more air every other day and I'm fine. The protectors come in sets of 2 for $10-$12 in most department stores and bike shops have crates of them.

May I ask you, what kinds of foods do you enjoy now? What makes up the bulk of your diet, and what are your favorite dishes? I could probably come up with scads of ideas that will allow you to enjoy what you like, while shaving fat, excess protein (yeah, you heard me right) and other undesirable elements from them. I don't do it much because the place I'm living in now literally has a less than 2-square-foot food prep area in what passes for the "kitchen", but I've found that I have a talent for cooking and I have a lot of books with recipes that are so good you won't miss the ingredients that have been substituted or removed to make them healthier.

Definitely, put the treadmill out of your mind and stick with cycling for a while. Oh, and if you can access a swimming pool while it's still warm, you can get in there and bounce around like crazy and it won't stress your feet. In fact, if the water is cool, it will serve the added purpose of a cool water soak, which I explained to you already. Get a cheap one piece swimsuit and if anyone tries to give you any crap, laugh at them. They're ignorant animals, but you are a sweet, articulate, wonderful person and while they'll almost certainly never change, you can!!!

This forum really is a great place, ain't it? :D :grouphug:

[lavenderdiva]

11. Yes, this forum IS great!

I got one of those gel-filled seats, 'cuz I thought they would be so comfie for my tush, but my husband said it wouldn't fit my bike, and I returned it. So now, I don't know how to know which seats will fit my bike. Any secrets you want to share? They look to be waaaaayyy comfy! I do have access to a pool, but haven't been in a bathing suit in YEARS. Way too frightening for me. The thought of being in public in a swimming suit may start me hyperventilating!!! (women understand this fear)

I like Indian, Vietnamese, Thai, Chinese, Mexican, Italian, and American cuisines. I'm not a big fish person, but do like shrimp, crawfish, tuna, yellowfin tuna (although I can't afford them right now!). I only like apples, bananas, canteloupe, and watermelon. I drink orange juice, but won't eat oranges. I like flavoring certain dishes with orange juice, but won't eat orange slices (like in a salad or something). Can't stand berries, of any sort; its a texture thing. Won't eat sweet potatoes or brussel sprouts. Love chicken, beef, pork, and turkey. I'm sure there's more, but that's what comes to mind right now. :hi:

[Systematic Chaos]

12. They have a new style of mounting brackets for seats now.

When my old seat finally crumpled on me, I brought the new one home expecting to just swap one for the other. But, the little bracket that the seat rests on, which in turn affixes to the seat post, was totally different. All you need to do is go into any bike shop and explain that you need both a new seat and the proper style of bracket that fits it, and you should be fine. If you got the seat at a regular store, they might also sell the brackets. Check and see. Getting the new style of bracket attached is a little bit tricky. It took me about 5 minutes to get all the parts to fit properly but then it was a cinch. It's a very secure fit that won't allow any slippage. In fact, if you went into a bike shop they could probably just install the proper bracket onto the new seat right there (the bracket shouldn't cost more than 2 or 3 bucks) and then you're done. If you're going to start riding, be sure to look into a good grade of lubricant to keep your chain - and other moving parts if you have a multi-speed bike - working right. Heavy oils and greases will cause problems in the long run because they will gum everything up. A well-oiled chain offers far less resistance than one that is dirty and dry and has links that won't bend easily. I use something called White Lightning. It's a light oil that contains wax, which helps repel dirt. A bottle is about $6 and should last several months to a year if you apply a few drops every couple days. Do you still have the maintenance guide that came with the bike? That usually will show how to make all the most common adjustments for your specific model, so that you will be able to do most things yourself.

The ethnic foods that you like can be extremely healthy. One of the best things they had at that Indian lunch buffet I went to last Friday was a thick lentil mixture that had diced polenta, curry powder and other spices, which I spooned over some rice. You could use potatoes instead if you aren't much into rice. High quality oriental noodles are excellent, and you can have them with a vegetable stir fry, made in a non-stick pan using no more than a tablespoon of olive oil for a batch. A delicious and extremely simple Mexican style dish can be made with frozen corn (or fresh scraped off the cob), a small can of green chilis, some diced bell pepper (red tastes best but green ones work too) and/or onions, some cumin powder and/or chili powder and cilantro if you have it handy. Just saute the pepper and chilis until the pepper is slightly soft then dump it into the cooked corn, mix in the spices and stir. Serve it with some beans on the side, or use it in conjunction with fat free refried beans and tortillas (flour ones are okay, but there are sprouted grain tortillas available at Trader Joe's and many health food stores that are outstanding) and make burritos. Making sandwiches out of romaine lettuce, sliced tomato, onion and cucumber, then topped with hummus spread is a great idea. Use whole grain bread at least. Sprouted grain, again, is better and shouldn't be much more expensive.

I don't think I'll ever be able to completely stop eating white meat chicken or turkey now and again, and if you can stick to the organically raised kind there's absolutely nothing wrong with having some on occasion. The usual mass-produced stuff is dubious but I still have some of it now and again. Beef scares me, and pork I can live without except for the occasional hot Italian sausage. I have learned to enjoy many products which are the meatless equivalent of things you usually find. Tofurky makes sausages now that are so good it makes my head spin. If you can find a package of them, you should fry them up on a skillet and make grinders out of them with some grilled pepper and onion. Delicious!

Bananas are excellent for many uses. Try taking a banana and two cups of cold water, throwing it into your blender and pureeing it into a liquid to use on cereal. It needs to be used right away but it is an excellent substitute for dairy milk and also cheaper than dairy or soy milk. Gives you loads of potassium, too. You ever drink grapefruit juice? I couldn't stand it throughout my childhood, but recently I bought some just to see what I would think, and now I'll take it over orange juice every time. It has something in it that helps burn fat somehow. That's not a myth, and it can add up over time to an additional loss of a few pounds.

Give these ideas some thought and let me know later on how you're doing with the bike. I hope you can get it working again. After just a week of using it for 20 minutes or so a day you will be shocked at how much more energy and endurance you have, and without the pain that walking would cause. Peace.

:D :hi: :D

[lavenderdiva]

13. Hey, GG!

I have printed out what you wrote about replacing my bicycle seat and am going over to the bicycle shop near me today, to price what a new seat would cost. Also to let them see what you wrote about the bits I need to mount it to my bike. My bike is at least 15 years old, and nothing to write home about. It does have gears, but I don't know how to use them, and really wish I just had a plain jane version: no gears! They just confuse me. I inherited this bike, a ladies', and a man's bike from my Mother and Daddy when they died. Neither bike had ever been ridden, and had just sat in their garage for years and years. The ladies bike is hot pink, and the man's bike is lavender!! My husband bravely rode it one Sunday afternoon, when we attempted to go on a bike ride. That was when I found out just HOW uncomfortable the seat was on the ladies bike, and how much I hated bikes with gears.

Your menu ideas are great, and I am going to try them. I noticed in the thread you started today, about your idea for green beans with teriyaki sauce, and those sounded yummy. As did chimpsmarter's idea for broccoli and mushrooms. I suppose I am not the only one who gets stuck in a rut, as to what to fix for dinner, and you just kinda keep fixing the same old things over and over, and everyone gets bored. These are some great new ideas, and I will definitely try making them.

Thank you again, for all your encouragement!! You are an O8)

[Systematic Chaos]

14. On bicycles: Gears are a godsend, you just need to learn how to use them.

If you're going to a bike shop, find a salesperson who actually cares about their job and treats it as more than a paycheck, and they'll be able to explain your whole derailleur system in a matter of moments. There is really nothing to using them because on almost all the bikes made in the last 20 years the whole system kinda runs itself while you just click an indexed lever. Don't be intimidated by any of that. Just experiment with it and as long as you don't try and force the shift levers beyond their normal range the absolute worst that can happen is that your chain will slip off. Putting it back on requires about 20 seconds and if you're using a light grade of oil like I recommended previously your hands won't get all that dirty.

Get the bike up and running, and comfortable, then just enjoy yourself and learn by doing. I got my first 10-speed when I was 9 and I was clueless, but a neighbor spent a lot of time showing me how everything worked and it's all very simple and intuitive. :)

Oh, and with the green beans and garlic, make sure you use fresh ones. The frozen kind just don't work as well. It wasn't inedible by any stretch, but it wasn't what I was hoping for after having green beans at a couple Chinese places that were so good I almost didn't need to eat anything else.

[lavenderdiva]

15. didn't get to the bike shop today,

because I got busy around the house, but I will try to make it over there some time this week....

Thanks for the encouragement! You yourself are doing great too!!

[u4ic]

8. Gentle Giant,

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of health. :hug:

You and the others on this forum are such an inspiration to me. I only have about 25-30 lbs I want to lose - but it is made worse by illness, as I have pain and exercise intolerance (CFIDS & FM), so I'm pretty limited to diet, and small bits of exercise (and I do mean small - light weight lifting, or walking 2 blocks is usually my limit - and only about 2-3x per week, or I can experience quite the crash including severe exhaustion, balance problems, muscle pain/weakness, nausea, etc).

I look forward to reading more about your progress. You have the gift of words.

[Systematic Chaos]

10. Thank you, u4ic!

Glad we can help. I know that for me, the benefits I am deriving from this forum really make me wish I would have come around a lot sooner. I'm sorry to hear you have difficulties with exertion, but your situation is far from hopeless. Even if you can only lose a pound a month, making a decision to stick to the food choices available to you that are the lowest in fat and highest in starch and fiber will help a lot.

Just know that everyone here will do their best to be supportive, so if you need it, just come here and let us know!

Cheers.

[u4ic]

16. Hi Gentle Giant,

I don't think my situation is hopeless, either!

Lavenderdiva (who I am eternally indebted to :toast: ) posted the fitday site, and I hopped over and started keeping track of my food intake. It's been of tremendous help - and motivation. So I had a few extra calories today, look back at all the days I was GOOD.

As I also have a number of food intolerances, my diet has altered a lot over the years. I cannot tolerate gluten, yeast or dairy, so in essence I am on a bit of an unintentional low(ish) carb diet anyway - well, the bad/unrefined carbs. I am not bothered if I eat beans (as I often do), or fruit or brown/wild rice - I don't subscribe to no carbs anyway. I rarely eat sugar...don't have any sugar in the house, and sweets/junk food is limited to a chocolate bar a week. Too much sugar sends me into a tailspin.

I don't have a scale - I will go to my sisters and weigh in. I think I've lost in the region of 7-8 lbs since the beginning of July - about 1 lb a week. That's where I want to be.

Thirty pounds would put me at 135, good for my large boned 5'5 frame, but I'd still be thrilled with 20 or 25 lbs gone.

This is the first time I've been successful at trying to lose weight. I did have a weight loss once of 60 lbs (over a year), but that was due to malabsorption problems. Slowly, though, about 30 of that came back, from meds as well as becoming bedridden for a year.

Onwards, and downwards (weight wise), I say! :bounce:

[Systematic Chaos]

17. You're doing wonderfully!

Good for you on slowly getting your weight down. :D

Isn't being immobilized just the worst? I was never bedridden, but for almost two months I did little but sit around on my butt with a cast on. I could walk short distances but too much of that would have defeated the purpose of the cast. I gained about 30 pounds and most of it was water, and it was just enough to completely screw up my other leg.

Things are coming around nicely now though, and it sounds like you're doing very well too. Good luck, and be sure to check in and let us know how you're doing. :)

[u4ic]

18. Thank you

for your support and encouragement. It does mean a lot!!

I hope I never, ever become bedridden again. That was the second time (4 yrs in total) in the past 14 years that I've had my illness, I've been bedridden. I'm only in my late 30's. :-(

At its worst, I could only get to the other side of the apartment - food was a can of soup a day, and even then I had to lay on the floor as it was heating. Turning over in bed was a chore, due to extreme pain and nausea.

Coming back from that second time has been very difficult, it's been 3 years and now I'm only back to driving short distances, and am just starting to do my own shopping again. Every small step is a big victory, though. :D

[lavenderdiva]

19. Hey, u4ic!!!

Wow! You are doing FANTASTIC! I'm so very proud of you! I do hope you realize what an accomplishment your progress is, and are proud of yourself! That weight loss represents a lot of hard work and determination.

My mother-in-law also is gluten/yeast intolerant, and cannot have any bell pepper either. She only recently discovered this gluten/yeast intolerance after she was hospitalized for severe diarrhea. It took them a long time to finally diagnose the problem, but since they did, she has been just fine. Was your time being bedridden related to them not finding your intolerances? Perhaps your recovery was a result of finally finding the culprit?

135lbs on a 5'5" frame sounds about right... Did you start your program in July? 1lb/week is very healthy and sustainable. It sounds like you are making very good choices that are producing results.

I am soo very glad that fitday.com is a help to you. Your words have encouraged ME to get back to regular posting there!!!! How about that?!! I love fitday.com and what it has to offer, and I LOVE that its free!!! (the best part!)

It sounds like you are just getting back into the swing of things, but are you at a point where you could add in some form of exercise? Not that you would want anything too strenuous at this point. Gentle Giant recommends bike-riding. Also, you might consider water aerobics. I used to love to go water-walking. I would go to the pool, which was 4ft deep end-to-end, at the gym I used to belong to. I would just walk in the water, at my own pace, repeatedly, up and down. The water itself was a resistance, but there weren't any jolts to my joints. I wasn't bouncing or expending a lot of unnecessary energy, because I just wasn't able to at that time. But I was moving, and it was cool, and I was developing my muscle strength.

I'm so glad you posted your progress, as those type of posts are so inspirational to me, and I'm sure others, too. We all need to hear that others are seeing results, to keep us motivated to keep at it another day!!! CONGRATULATIONS!! :party: :toast: :bounce: :loveya: :headbang: :yourock: :woohoo: :applause:

[u4ic]

20. Hi lavenderdiva!!

Wow - THANK you for such a supportive post!! It means more than I can say. :D

Unfortunately, the gluten/yeast intolerances were not the cause of my illness. They are a symptom, and a common one at that. Other than IBS symptoms, it also causes horrible rashes for me. I do feel better giving them up, and will continue to do so.

My condition is very cyclical, but I also believe that my sleep problems (also a symptom) and an old root canal infection (had the tooth removed)contributed. Now, I am taking acupuncture (I get 7 free sessions per year if done through a physiotherapist, or until my province delists it...) which has also been a huge help.

I'm still up and down...today was having problems standing and walking. So it's something that I wish (but doubt) will ever go away.

As for exercise...I have to be very careful. There's a few things going on...inadequate oxygen transport to the muscles, low blood volume and excessive lactic acid buildup (even more that I can't wrap my head around). Basically, my plan is to do some leg lifts with ankle weights, and slowly increase the reps. Right now, a block is as far as I can handle. Hopefully by the fall, I may be able to get 2. I do have to watch I don't 'crash', which can put me down for days, if not weeks.

I would love to eventually try some water exercises, but I'd be half done just getting to the pool. x( I'll save that till next year, if my strength improves.

That fitday site is truly amazing! It really has changed my life, and I thank you for it!! :loveya:

[lavenderdiva]

21. Hey, u4ic!

I noticed your TREMENDOUS loss on your other thread! You are just doing wonderfully! Even with your circumstances, you are whacking away at each and every pound, and showing it who's boss!

Thank goodness for DU, and this forum! Even though you can't get out-and-about as often as you may like, thankgoodness you post here, and let us know your progress, which in turn supports and motivates us too!:hug: :pals: :hug: