He's the only one who can help me stop crying

[FLyellowdog]

even though he's the one who made me cry in the first place.

It's been 10 months since he said he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to live with me. He said we'd try to work it out, but he retired from one job, took another job in another city and moved.

We've been married 43 years, two grown children, and 4 grandchildren (one more on the way). He doesn't want a divorce, doesn't even want to be considered officially separated, but insists that he needs to live alone. There's no physical contact, no emotional support...However he is willing to continue his financial responsibilities. He calls me every day to "check in" with me and see if I'm ok. So I guess I should be grateful. Somehow I'm not.

I'm retired as well and thought we'd be spending our golden years having fun and enjoying a low-pressure life. I had imagined we'd just "play" a lot and ride off into the sunset together. Not to be.

I've suffered from depression most of my adult life but have had it under control until this issue. But now I feel like the bottom has fallen out. We have so much to be grateful for (We went through a stressful year last year with our adult son having a brain tumor but all is well and he is almost completely recovered).We have fairly good health, enough money to do what needs to be done,health insurance, a dog...all the things one would think would make life easy. Then he has to go and pull this stunt.

Somehow the loss of my husband's love is a cross I cannot bear. The nights are so long and dark and my heart breaks with every hour that goes by. Had I lost him through death, I could have coped, but for him to have chosen to toss me away after all these years is more than I can stand.

When I posted here in January, I surely hoped things would improve but they haven't. I'm in limbo with no one and it's too sad. Yes, I have enough money to make it, and other family and friends, but he's all that's important to me. I'm 64 years old and I don't know how to start over. He's always been there for me and I can't make it without him.I don't think I have enough years left to regroup. I'm all used up and I guess that's why he threw me away.

This isn't how things were supposed to be. I didn't do anything wrong and I don't think I deserve to end up this way. I've been a good person all my life. And now it's all for nothing.

There is no point to this post...just an old woman crying the night away.

Hug someone for me. Maybe I'll feel the warmth.

[elleng]

1. Hugging you.

:hug:

Whatever all, he has not tossed you away; he can't bear to do that. He calls you every day to see if you're ok, and doesn't want to divorce.

Certainly you feel alone, and no one 'deserves' to end up this way. Life still marches on, and nothing is permanent.

:grouphug:

[FLyellowdog]

2. Thank you.

:hug:

[comtec]

3. *Hugs and comfort*

It is certain it's not you.
don't beat yourself up for his issues, which i imagine are bad enough he felt he had to do this.

I wish you the best, and hope he gets his head out of his ass.

[FLyellowdog]

6. You made me smile...

even if it was only for a second. Thanks.

:hug:

[mopinko]

4. big hugs

from someone who is trying not to end up where you are, tho i don't have a lot of hope. i'm 56 and know that if things are going to change, i need to get it over with.
:hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug:

[FLyellowdog]

5. Thank you.

I've read your posts and am so sorry that things for you may not work out.

I think too that I need to just get it over with and move on. I sent him an email early this morning saying just that thing. It's not what I want, but it's what I need. I can't go on in this limbo at my age. I only wish I'd tried moving on months ago...then maybe some of this hurt would have dissipated.

I'm guessing too that I'll need to consider counseling of some kind to help me deal with all this. It's funny, but I've avoided doing that because if/when I do get over him, then it will truly be done and deep inside I don't want it to be...even if it means the hurting will stop. It's just a mess.(How did I get to this place in life?)

Hope your weekend goes well. :hug:

[Callalily]

7. I'm so sorry that you are

going through this difficult time FLyellowdog, but as elleng said, your spouse has not abandoned you. In his own way he still cares (though not the way you wish).

Counseling truly is a good idea. As you stated yourself, it's time to move on. Counseling will help you get there a little faster.

And . . . 64 is NOT THAT OLD! You may not want a romantic relationship, but there's a lot of life left to live.

Start using those "financially secure" funds, and have some fun.

Wishing you the best.

[FLyellowdog]

8. Yes, I'm going to try to do better. TY.

[laundry_queen]

9. Huge hugs.

I know exactly how you are feeling. It's devastating to feel like you've been thrown away. Especially when that person was the most important person in your life and you would have never ever done the same thing to them. My ex did similar things, moved out and has helped out financially but never really cut the ties. It took me awhile to wake up and realize he wasn't coming back. Not saying that's your case. But once I stopped talking to him -except for kid related stuff- and forced myself to get support and move on with my life it slowly got easier. Look for a separation and divorce support group in your area. The one I found is amazing and has helped me tremendously. It helps to have people who have been there and understand exactly what you are going through, in a way well-meaning friends and family never can. Unfortunately, I will always have trust issues thanks to him, and I am lucky I'm younger, however that presents a whole 'nother issue in and of itself (no means of financial support other than the kids, have to go back to school and start a career while raising 4 kids) so either way it's difficult. If you need to talk to someone about this, because I know how important it is to reach out and talk to others and get feedback when you are in that first stage of shock, please pm me. Take care of yourself. :grouphug:

[FLyellowdog]

11. I can't tell you how much your post means to me. ty.

:hug:

[mopinko]

10. is he okay, do you think? perhaps this

is about age related brain health issues. or perhaps he is suffering depression, but doesn't feel he can share that with you.

[FLyellowdog]

12. Yes, I think he is depressed...

I asked him to talk with his doctor about it, but he didn't. I was able to get him to take St. John's Wort starting in January and believe it or not, it has helped with his anger. But his loss of interest in most everything is still an issue. The fact that he just wants to go to work and then go home to his apartment alone just doesn't sound normal. I asked him to get counseling and he said he would, but he didn't. He's isolated himself from anything to do with me and is convinced that that's how he wants to live. It's so sad because he's a bright, intelligent, good-looking man. We share the same religious beliefs, political beliefs, and 45 years of knowing each other's most intimate details. It's too much to bear.

He told me two days ago that he hadn't really worried about working on making our situation any better and he didn't want to give me false hope.
That's pretty plain, if you ask me. I'm in such a bad way that if he'd just lie to me and say that he loved me and wanted us to be "together" but apart, I'd take it. That's what I've been reduced to. And I'm so ashamed. Every day seems to get worse, not better. But I'm going to try to endure.

Thanks for your thoughts. They mean a lot to me.

[safeinOhio]

13. This helped me once.

Volunteer some where. Soup kitchen, whatever. Start exercising, like long walks to begin with. Sitting there thinking about it is a circular thing with no escape. Keeping busy and active is a quicker way out. Nothing helps more than helping others as that helps you get a perspective on your own problems and exercise has been shown to be more effective than drugs and therapy together. When he calls you'll have things to talk about that you did that day other than the current depressing situation you are in. That might light a fire under him. Just start.

Hope you heal quickly.

Safe

[FLyellowdog]

15. It's that first step outside alone that's the hardest.

I know what you're saying is the way to go. I at least got up after a long day in bed today, showered and fixed me a little dinner. (I wonder if using the microwave counts as exercise?)

A neighbor called today just to talk and I did feel better afterwards...she does't know about my marriage so we talked about other things.

Baby steps... Thanks so much for your help. :hug:

[Coexist]

14. ((((hugs))))

[FLyellowdog]

16. More hugs back at you! nt

[SheilaT]

17. It takes time. That is the most important thing to know.

Do anything and everything possible to move on, to start a new life. If it's possible for you to relocate physically, do so. As someone else suggested, do volunteer work, or take a class of some kind. Make a new friend or two.

My marriage came to an end after twenty-five years, which is a whole lot less than your forty-three, so I'm sure it will be a much longer process for you. But at age 60 I moved 800 miles to a new place, found work, made a host of new friends. While there is still a part of me that is sorry the marriage ended, even in my most optimistic fantasies of the marriage staying intact, I would not have moved here and not started this new life.

I went to school earlier this year to become a hypnotherapist and I'm slowly building my practice. I love what I do, and I actually feel happy all the time.

And absolutely stop thinking of yourself as old. You will probably live at least another twenty years, very possibly longer. If you decide at this point that your life is over, you might wind up wasting what could be some very wonderful years.

Keep us posted every so often. We all do care.