Something that has just occurred to me...

[laylah]

I have heard since childhood, that I was "manic depressive". Of course, my young mind did not register; HOWEVER, now that I have been diagnosed with alcohol dependent Bi-Polar II...I am angry! Why did not the numerous shrinks (or my parents!) help me? I went to many, from 17 years old as a survivor of sexual abuse for help! Why NOW?? I am 58 years old, my life is FUCKED...i miss my children, my husband, my LIFE. I am angry!

Thanks for "listening" :hug:

[no name no slogan]

1. They didn't start diagnosing juveniles with bipolar disorder until the 1990s

Before that, the mental health community didn't believe that bipolar disorder manifested itself until young adulthood. They may have called you "manic depressive" but they could not make an official diagnosis of bipolar disorder, because technically it didn't exist yet.

I, too, was bipolar as a kid, but it was never diagnosed (I was born in 1969). I can remember having depressive episodes as early as eight years old, some lasting several months. Most of this was either blamed on the fact that my parents separated when I was four and I missed my dad, or that I was just moody.

Unfortunately, we can't relive the past-- but we can learn from it. We can recognize the symptoms and the behaviors that got us to where we are now, and go forward the best we can. :hug:

[laylah]

4. Thank you nnns...

I plan to go forward the best I can; however, I must also grieve. Things will be better, once I am on the new drug tomorrow (topamax) and start my therapy on Tuesday. I'm just sad, is all. This too shall pass. :hug:

[no name no slogan]

8. Grieving is good

And it sounds like you're going through the stages in the right way, and even better, in the right order (I went through mine a bit ack-basswards, as they say :P).

You've got lots of good stuff starting this week-- take care of yourself and we're all pulling for you, too! :hug:

[Tobin S.]

2. I know how you feel, laylah

I was admitted to a hospital for psychiatric problems for the first time when I was 23. They just thought I was depressed. I have no idea how they missed my psychosis. They wrote me a prescription for anti-depressants and sent me on my way after three days.

I would spend the next 7 years in agony; that is when I wasn't self-medicating with booze. I landed back on a psych ward when I was 30. In one 15 minute interview my doctor there knew I was suffering from psychosis as well as manic and depressive states. I got the right medication and imediately started to improve. I felt relieved and enlightened at first. Then it hit me how much time I had lost and I broke down and cried.

It still angers me a little when I think about it, but like nnns said, all we can do is move forward.

[elleng]

3. Hey 'Tobin,'

:hug:

[laylah]

5. My first reaction was

relief that there was finally an explanation for wtf I have done over the years. My next was to cry over wtf I have lost over the years...and I am still crying. I will move forward, I am quite the survivor. In the meantime, I will grieve for what has been lost and what "could have been". Once I muddle through that, onward and upward! :hug:

[Tobin S.]

6. Yes, it is important to acknowledge where you've been and your feelings

The pain over the lost time will be there for a while. For a while it will be a "coulda, woulda, shoulda" kind of thing, and then it will start to decrease in intensity. That's the way it worked in my experience anyway. It does feel good to have a label to place on all of that pain, doesn't it? Something to call it; you are now equiped with a very valuable weapon in your quest to overcome this illness. When you learn to recognize the symptoms in yourself, you will become more grounded in reality- even when you are suffering from symptoms of the illness.

You are on your way to a better life and I'm very happy you got in to see a doctor. Things are going to get better, laylah. :)

[hunter]

7. I've nowhere near that amount of time lost...

But it's upsetting when I do think about it. I'm also upset that my emotional memories of past events can be so scrambled up and polluted with bitterness. When I've been in my blackest holes the emotional associations I have with things I remember then are dark too, even for memories that should be entirely pleasant memories, the times I was somewhat functional but faking it.

So I wake up every morning with a fresh start, take my first dose of meds, and look forward to laying down some shiny bright new memories untainted by meaningless depression.

Good luck to you!

[laylah]

9. It is easy to feel anger

and bitterness, isn't it. But as we continue our journey, things will and do get better.

Thanks for responding and I am so glad you are young enough to still have a full life ahead. Me? Well, the good news is, I do have a brighter future, just not as long as I wish it were. :hug: