I don't know how to cope with this.

[undergroundpanther]

I just don't know what do. I hate where I live.I HATE it.There is nothing to do,nowhere to go and no way to get anywhere here. Yeah it's a "nice house" in a "nice" neighborhood.That's the problem.
This place is designed around cars not people.

This place full of the same looking houses, Everything that matters to me is too far away to reach without a godamn car.If I walk I have to dodge crazy drivers to walk anywhere outside my house pretty much for my house is on a road between to high speed roads.I hate living here and there is nothing for me out here. This town is a brooding place designed to raise kids, for cars,and not to support a life outside the nuclear family nightmare. especially if you don't have money. I am so alone. .I feel like I am in a jail waiting for anything to change.

Section 8 might take ten years or more to come through for me who the hell knows,funds are cut more and more with the fucking republicans.And my case manager never has time to talk to me when I do see her so I never have time to ask her how things are progressing on stuff I need for my sanity's sake.She isn't incompetant, she is always busy with phone calls, meetings that always seem to happen when we are supposed to meet. I am luckyt to see her once a month.She told me her agency is getting a 30 % fund cut.And she may not be working there much longer, wonderful, she already has no time to help me or even talk really how bad is it going to get? who the hell knows.

I wish I lived in a place in the city,I don't care what it looks like,just so there is life happening there.. a place where something was happening besides everyone gone to work and the street being dead,programs for kiddies and mommies and the sunday lawn mowing ritual to make sure EVERYBODY's yard looks the same. Nobody talks to each other out here there is no connections to be made with them, we are so different, I have tried.There is no social connection to be found it is nice and temporary.

It's like I am fighting against strong socially engineered current in this place. I really think it is designed to promote, this isolation tendency I see all around me. Believe me I have tried to instigate freindships out here, the small talk,with neighbors,people on the bus, people I meet we exchange phone numbers ,I call back, but it does not pan out. I tried hooking up with groups out here that looked promising but they tend to dissolve and not last. Not anyones doing it is because of other issues like work kids ect. interfere..I am very skilled socially..but that does not matter or help me much lost in the land of atomized homogenized individuals, They just mow the lawn and disappear into their houses.Goddammit the isolation is killing me today.

Maybe it hurts bad now because I am dreading the weekend.I hate weekends here. On the weekends there really is nothing to do,can't go anywhere because the bus does not run, Everyone is busy busy bees.Everyday here is the same day,for me alone,me walking somewhere to get some shit done,alone, coming home to an empty house, alone,.Nothing but my own sobs bouncing off the empty room and no way to know if I even exist.Typing on the net pretending that it is a social life,when I know damn well most people I would love to meet are scattered across the globe and there is no way in hell they could be a real part of my life offline. I try to do artwork but I don't care to do it anymore .No inspiration,no desire to do it.. I don't know how to help myself out of this mess.

I numb myself alot to cope. Days are so empty. I have nothing to say. I have a roommate he works long hours and go out all the time with "the guys" .I don't matter and why should I ?He's a roomate not a companion. I am just the other person living here.

Trapped I am in a cage of aloneness.Why does my body live so I have to suffer this kind of empty pointless lonely life?
I wish I wouldn't have to wake up again all alone in this terrible world.Why was I ever born? Why couldn't mom have aborted me? Why did that fetus live? I was born 6 months too early why couldn't they just let me die.Why? When life has no quality no depth no richness or color it is sterile and dead,why must I live? I hate life it is a curse to live this way.

I know the standard are you safe questions ,but I ask why ask it?
It's not easy to live alone like I do. It's painful as fuck frankly .Either I live around people (mom and the ex) we misunderstand each other and she doesn't respect my boundaries or I am all alone here.

If you were in this cage would you handle it any better than I can? I have nothing to hope for,nothing for me here but dull stifling deadness.days merge into a dull grey haze. I have no way to get myself to the people I can connect to.I can't drive a fucking car let alone afford one. I miss them,anyways I miss having people around that I care about.People who valued me as I am.The wonderful feeling of belonging of having a place,a meaning a purpose, this is denied me out here and it is tearing me apart. And I can't do anything about it,I don't have money to pay real rent in the city I don't have freinds out here that want to go live in the city to split rent down cheap enough I could afford it.I don't drive,the bus does not go to the city..Section 8 might as well take a million years. Hell is on Earth it's called suburban sprawl. And I am stuck in it and I am sinking into dispair like quicksand..

[Forkboy]

1. This is little comfort,but I could have written that almost word for word myself.

So I promise that you are NOT alone in this world.

I miss having people around that I care about.People who valued me as I am.

We may not be "around" in the physical sense,but there are people here who will,and do,value you as you are.

I do know what it's like to feel like you're trapped in a cage,whether through outside factors or through our own issues.I despise where I'm living with one exception,I can play music pretty loud all night if I want (no small matter for a music junkie like me).Otherwise it sucks.It's one room in an attic with no heat in the winter and no A/C in the summer.The landlord doesn't even like me using a fan because my electricity runs off of his (I use one anyways...me and heat don't get along).

To use the bathroom I go down to the first floor where my friend lives,and try to stay as much out of his way as possible.Like you say,not a companion.Not even a roommate for that matter.

Maybe it hurts bad now because I am dreading the weekend.I hate weekends here. On the weekends there really is nothing to do,can't go anywhere because the bus does not run, Everyone is busy busy bees.Everyday here is the same day,for me alone,me walking somewhere to get some shit done,alone, coming home to an empty house, alone,.Nothing but my own sobs bouncing off the empty room and no way to know if I even exist.Typing on the net pretending that it is a social life,when I know damn well most people I would love to meet are scattered across the globe and there is no way in hell they could be a real part of my life offline. I try to do artwork but I don't care to do it anymore .No inspiration,no desire to do it.. I don't know how to help myself out of this mess.

I can SO relate to everything you say here.You don't have money,transportation,or friends,and you know there's so many people hooking up and having great weekends.Always alone.And for me it's weird because I hate the prospect of spending my life alone (especially living with the regrets of blowing both my marriage and the chance to be with someone just as awesome after that),yet I can't be around anyone and actually feel comfortable.I've been friends with the guy downstairs for over 25 years and I'm still not comfortable around him...or anyone.I'm typing this from my mother's house because I've been visiting this week and being around people who are my own family is wigging me out.So I don't know what to do.

When I lived on Cape Cod I had that same feeling of suburban phoniness from most people.It seemed like everyone was more concerned over who had the greener lawn or bigger boat.I might as well have been on Pluto.It makes it even worse because you don't just feel like you don't fit it...you KNOW it.

I think you're ahead of me if you have good social skills,but it sounds like you're in an area where they don't matter much.We should switch.I live in a decent sized city but don't want to talk to anyone and you live in an area with no one to talk to.You'd only have to deal with a crack smoking landlord,and he's harmless.

I've had a couple DUers invite me to visit but there's no way I can afford to travel anywhere,and even if I could I suspect that as nice and cool as they are I'd feel as welcome as rattlesnake in an outhouse because of my own discomfort.

And I'm also a lapsed artist.By the time I was 25 I had probably drawn about a thousand pictures.In the 14 years since,I've drawn less than a dozen.No inspiration or desire to do it either,which just makes me feel worse because I know it's one of the few things I actually can do good,but I just have zero enthusiasm to do so.

I'm not dealing with Section 8 but my father does,and it's a constant battle to get them to even acknowledge you as a human sometimes.I've been trying to get SSDI but the last Psychiatrist they had me see talked to me for fifteen minutes,said I seemed like a pleasurable enough guy and sent me on my way.I should have stuck a #2 pencil in his ear.A week later I got the denial letter.

Turns out my own psychiatrist never even sent them any paperwork at all about me,so the bipolar part was never even factored in.They just went by my high blood pressure,massive anxiety,and cancer,all of which they concluded were "treatable".What's even funnier is over a year ago my psychiatrist told me he didn't want to fill out the required paperwork because he felt I'd be better by now.Trouble is,I'm far worse and very close to reaching the point where I was making a list of ways to kill myself and deciding by the roll of the dice.

And of course it doesn't help that the world itself makes us look totally sane.One lousy thing happening to good people after the other.It's impossible not to feel a raging mix of anger and immense sadness about it all.Sometimes I wish I could get the world on a couch and ask,"Please,tell me about your mother?"

I know this isn't exactly a feel good reply,or a very good pick me up.But I'm not going to patronize you or insult your intelligence by telling you that everything will be ok and to just buck up little trooper when I don't feel that way myself.Every day seems like another hammer blow to my sanity and I'm sure you're feeling exactly the same way.I wish I could give you answers but I'm more confused and lost then ever myself and have no clue how to change either of our situations.

I do,and hope you'll be able to as well,find some comfort down here talking to people.Like I said before,I know it isn't actual physical contact (can't even remember the last time someone touched me out of caring myself) but the people in this forum are super nice and understanding (excluding present company..namely me lol).They've helped me,probably without even knowing it most times.Just knowing that there are some people who care is nice,and something I'm grateful for.

Sorry I can't be more helpful in some way.I hope you can find a solution to your troubles,or at least reach a point where you can be at some kind of peace with it.

[undergroundpanther]

2. I know what you mean about artists lives clashing with other lives

>I do know what it's like to feel like you're trapped in a >cage,whether through outside factors or through our own issues.I >despise where I'm living with one exception,
>I can play music pretty loud all night if I want (no small matter >for a music junkie like me).

Heh I don't play music alot but I have some programs my Ex made copies of for me. The ones I used to tinker with.Nice ones like cakewalk, project x and acid.They are like computer synths and acid is a loop program they all have graphic interfaces so I can grok them.I am trying to get used to the piano roll on cakewalk and to connect what note I want to it's keyboard placement and it is HARD to do. .I can hear my own music in my head sometimes,and sometimes it's quite catchy I have even made my own ear worms.. I see the sounds move like the cakewalk program in my head but it goes so fast I cannot put it down. And I am not sure what is happening there.

However I am totally with you with the freedom of making late night noise,as a WONDERFUL thing . I like running my dremel,a shop saw or my air compressor, or trying to tinker out a tune rolling around my head at three am too.When the inspiration hits there is no rest until it's expressed. The creative curse/blessing.
And landlords usually suck,especially if you are in any way artistic,my last landlord was an asshole, so even though I look forward to section 8 and getting outta here I am hoping to not get an asshole landlord. I am hoping to move to a place that either has good insulated walls or has a bunch of artist freaks so there is no issue with late night noises.At least my mom is not an asshole landlord.And my roommate does not mind noise at night.



>Otherwise it sucks.It's one room in an attic with no heat in the >winter and no A/C in the summer.The landlord doesn't even like me >using a fan because my electricity runs off of his (I use one >anyways...me and heat don't get along).

Me too I am the biggest wuss on EARTH about heat.And maryland has evil summers 90 degrees 90% humidity Aaah.
When it gets over 80 degrees I am turning on air and the friggin dehumidifier.My mom she left it here and a dehumidifier really cuts down on the AC bills.

>I've been visiting this week and being around people who are my >own family is wigging me out.So I don't know what to do.

Yeah I understand the family wigging issue.It happens to me too. I tend to stay away take long walks and separate myself when it gets too wiggy. Wy mom was up here in april for around a month to help with my surgery recovery.She left last week. I am trans-gender Female to Male.I had chest done and OMG the differences I feel it everyday no more cringing in the mirror.I feel more at home in my own body than I ever have in my life since I developed female characteristics..My mom and I are very different that I think is one source of stress. We argue sometimes and I tend to stay away from her to avoid the stress. I love her but she sometimes irritates the living hell outta me .

But something rather good occurred last night, she called on the phone and apologized for being controlling she said she noticed how self sufficient I have become and she said she was proud of me.Never does she say that... I never thought in my life she'd realize that,control habit of hers is one of the worst wedges in our relationship and when she said that I felt like reaching out 500 miles to hug her for saying it.Maybe there is hope.

>And of course it doesn't help that the world itself makes us look >totally sane.One lousy thing happening to good people after the >other.
Hell yes. I agree with that . Every "loon" I've met who suffers a mental illness(schizophrenia or thought/mood disorders Aspies ADD folks or psychological injury(trauma pstd dissociation )I have Are good people. I used to be active in the consumer rights movements on our own hearts and ears mad pride etc.Every person I have met who is suffering pretty much are the most good hearted people I ever meet despite their issues.

It's the normals who are ignorant and the psychopaths whom I really have issues with) Because of the way the world is,I am kinda gnostic in my "spiritual"perspectives , because Gnostic's are the only belief system I have found that even gets honest about this issue and doesn't try to make a happy fairy tale out of this existence,as if it will change if we just pray harder and give up the good parts in life more or eat a certain way or whatever, there is no karma and no tally keeper, it admits we are imprisoned here as light trapped in bodies that are in conflict with our true essence.., the world is dominated by evil,nor do Gnostic's say it's because I chose this life before I was born kind of bullshit. It says basically good people are the aliens here and we are the ones driven crazy by this world's ways and it's system.It speaks of a goddess Sophia (whom I call SekhmetMaatSophia or power truth wisdom)) that is from beyond this world who is more powerful than the creator of this mess and will someday pull her own back to home in her. I get comfort from it. It could all be bullshit I know but sometimes a little fantasy can't hurt if it makes you more able to cope with this shitty cage.

It's impossible not to feel a raging mix of anger and immense sadness about it all.Sometimes I wish I could get the world on a couch and ask,"Please,tell me about your mother?"

I think the world here has no mother,and that's it's problem, it was made by an evil half maker god and that evil god claiming there are no other gods before him is a liar and an asshole too.

"The world is the work of lowly powers... the universe, the domain of the Archons is like a vast prison whose innermost dungeon is the earth." (Jonas, p.42-3)

Here is some links on this Archon issue if you wanna look. It is amazing that ancient people understood this so clearly and it was lost for so long.
http://www.greatdreams.com/lostland/archons.htm
http://www.gnostic.info/outofbody.html
http://www.timboucher.com/journal/gnostic-essays/
http://www.sullivan-county.com/nf0/nov_2000/archons.htm
http://openseti.org/GnosticA.html
The last link is the site my Ex put up. I think he has some good links and he put it together well.(I helped him with some of it)
http://gnosticpath.blogspot.com/
But if this is not your thing feel free to disregard all of this stuff I put it up cause you might find it interesting.

[Forkboy]

3. Excellent news about your mother saying that!

That had to have felt great!

I love her but she sometimes irritates the living hell outta me .

I think you just summed up nearly every mother on Earth. :)

My friend uses Cakewalk,Acid Pro and all that stuff,and his friend has a full blown recording studio.The two of them have churned out over 800 pieces of music in less than 10 years.It's all VERY weird stuff though,and not fit for mass consumption.The last CD they made for me was titled "Hallucinations of a Fevered Mind"...and it's a pretty accurate description.

I didn't know about you being trans-gender.I can't really even imagine the issues,both internally and externally,that must have caused for you.I'm so glad you feel happy about it! Hopefully we'll be able to get rid of the dumbass stigma attached to this stuff soon.(Along with the stigma mental illness still carries,though that is getting somewhat better than it was years ago.)

My concentration level is about 5% today so I bookmarked your links.I will check them out when I get back to my place.It's real hard to concentrate here.Kids,dogs,grown-ups,cats....freaking me out (not the cats parts actually...they're fuzzy pals).Hell,it's taken me a half hour to type this little amount.I've already been distracted by a neat spider and then a woodpecker on the birdfeeder.By the end of the day I fully expect to be distracted by random air molecules.

I'm really glad your mother said what she did.It sounds like it meant a lot to you,and you seem better than you did before.I know for me sometimes it can be the simplest thing that shakes me out of my stupor,at least for awhile.

Best of luck,and don't hesitate to talk about things down here!