Totally tasteless jesus joke

[catmandu57]

Lurking khristians lighten up for gawds sake, it's not a cartoon of the prophet. Okay disclaimer out of the way.

If jesus comes out of his cave easter morning and sees his shadow
will we have six more months of warm weather?

[trotsky]

1. That's not tasteless.

THIS is tasteless:

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Ba-da-bum!

[catmandu57]

2. I told that joke in the lounge

a couple of easters ago, and I thought I was going to have holes put in my hands. These khristians can be some thin skinned creatures when they percieve their delussion coming under attack.

[trotsky]

3. It's the exact same reaction that Muslims had to the Mohammed cartoons.

Exact same.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. -- Robert A. Heinlein

[leftofthedial]

4. what did the Roman soldier say to Jesus?

Do you mind crossing your feet? We only brought three nails.

[catmandu57]

5. Jesus went to an inn

with three nails in his hand and asked can you put me up for the night?

[unschooler]

22. Where do they get that "three nails" business?

I went to church with the relatives over Easter, and, low and behold, there were "banners" with pictures of a cross and three nails everywhere! At least trying to figure out why there are three of them in those pictures distracted me from the yuckiness of staring at artwork depicting an instrument of torture and execution for an entire hour.

And there were a lot of nice flowers everywhere.

[opiate69]

6. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture..

[unschooler]

21. The picture is real?

:shrug:

[Random_Australian]

7. ...

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man

(http://www.liberator.net/humor/Jesus/Jesusjokes.html)

[NMMNG]

8. My turn

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

[Random_Australian]

9. Wierdest Jesus Joke:

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the chicken!

[Random_Australian]

10. They ran a scientific study on humour. When reading said

study, there was the sections of 'Best Jokes'... knock knocks, God jokes, puns, and

"The Best Joke Involving A Bhuddist And A Hot Dog Vendor.... All Right So That Isn't A Common Topic But We Liked It And Wanted An Excuse To Put It In"

So here goes:

A Bhuddist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything".

[TallahasseeGrannie]

11. If he does

we'll have to crucify a large rodent.

[Synnical]

12. I love all of you

Am passing along these "tasteless" jokes.
:rofl:

[Proud_Democratt]

13. On the Cross

Jesus is hanging on the cross, then suddenly starts yelling for Peter. Peter runs over to the cross and asks, "what is it, my Lord? Is there something I can do for you?"
Jesus says. "I can see your house from here, Peter!"

[onager]

14. Now THIS is tasteless...

So Jesus is hanging on the cross, and he looks out in the crowd and sees Judas Iscariot.

He commands: "Come here, Judas!"

Judas says: "Are you nuts? I'm not coming over there. I'm the one who sold you out to the Romans. You'll tell your Old Man to hit me with a lightning bolt or something."

"I only wish to forgive you, Judas. Please come over here. Right under the cross."

His curiosity gets the better of him, and Judas warily walks over until he's standing right under the cross, looking up.

"You want to forgive me?"

"No, not really. P!iss on you, Judas!"


Bonus Nun Joke:

Two Belgian nuns ride out of their ancient convent on bicycles. It's a beautiful day and they're admiring the scenery.

First nun: "I've never come this way before."

Second nun: "Me either. Must be the cobblestones."

[muriel_volestrangler]

15. If we're going to go for tastless nun jokes...

Two nuns, in line with their vow of poverty, are sharing a bath.

First nun: Where's the soap?

Second nun: It does, doesn't it?

[ozone_man]

17. Only if it's Ivory Snow.

99 44/100% Pure.

[PinkUnicorn]

18. And another

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and leering at the nuns inside.

"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.
"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun.

The car weaves back an forth across the road, but the vampire just sneers and presses his face against the windscreen

"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared.
"Turn on the windsscreen wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun.

The wipers flicked back and forth, hitting the vampire in the face several times. But no luck, and now he is pissed off. His fist swings out, strikes the windscreen and a large crack makes its way down the centre of the glass.

"Now What!?" cries the first nun, barely keeping the car on the road. But then has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells.

The second nun nods, winds down the window and sticks her head out and yells, "Get off our fucking car you disgusting little maggot!!"

[Sabriel]

16. OK, I'll bite:

Catholic Math

Little Herman (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents
had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers, in short, everything they could think of.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Herman down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Herman came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight
to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all
over the room and little Herman was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he
marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting
the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made a all the difference. Finally, little Herman brought
home his report! card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his
room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise,
little Herman got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She
went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it????

Was it the nuns??" Little Herman looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms???? WHAT was it????"

Little Herman looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I
saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[frogmarch]

19. Thank you all

so much for all the great jokes! ROFL!!!!

[CarbonDate]

20. I'll say this once....

...and then I'll leave it alone.

In a crucifixion, he would have to have been nailed by the wrists. The bones in the hands aren't strong enough to support the whole body and would tear through the nails before he had a chance to asphyxiate.

Wrists, people. If you're going to execute a Messiah, we have to know how to do it right.