How does one deal with a lack of external encouragement in their life?

[Wapsie B]

I understand the power of a positive mental state for functioning well and acheiving your full potential. Affirmations and goal setting are fine and good but I've yet to do that on a consistent basis enough to have any results. I have to believe in the here and now that it's going to work before I invest even a second of my time.

I'm seem to have been looking for encouragement from others around me that I think I need but have never received. I can't remember having a job where I felt nurtured and encouraged to grow and develop. School was the same way as I wanted desperately for someone to show me my path. I envied the A students where teachers took them aside and encouraged them to develop their talents. Where they got an ego boost I got nothing. If someone were to ask me about an influential person in my life who gave me direction it would be impossible for me to answer that. I've had this feeling of just having to fend for myself like a ship without a rudder. Never had a teacher, minister, role model who I thought cared about me as a person.

Love? Well we won't even go there.

I still seem to be looking for my ego boosters that I never had. This feeling of going it alone has given me a cynicism about human nature that is hard to shake. It has made me put a distance between myself and others, not being able to put complete trust in anyone. So how do people find the power within themselves in the here and now? I'm not talking about affirmations or goal-setting for sometime in the murky future but how to live in the present.

[DemExpat]

1. Probably many more people live in this state than those who are

well-supported and nurtured all of their (young) lives.

May I suggest meditation to experience the here and now at its purest?

During this exercise one learns a lot of interesting things about ego, ego needs compared to "real" needs, how to turn off the habitual self-talk that we create to survive in a painful world (as you have learned by being cynical towards and distant from others)etc.

Start by getting yourself a good book on meditation, or joining a practice somewhere reputable.

Another path to take to learn more about facing the truth and getting rid of baggage that you are now aware of as being detrimental to further growth and a chance for happiness in relationships is psychotherapy - but you'd have to shop around to find a really good one that would help you in this direction and would click with you on a feeling level.....

Read some good self-help books on this general theme.
I have my favorites which helped me, but books are very personal and I think you get the most out of those that you find while nosing around book stores or libraries - those books which have given me the most guidance are those which "jumped out" at me from the masses of books on the shelves.


Answers will come when you are open to them - maybe not instantly, but they will.....in my experience.
What you can do in the meantime is to try to be attentive to having an open mind and heart to a solution - really, I believe that is all you actually need to do, for when you are open, not shut off by walls and damns.....things will come to you. (And, most important for balance, you will find yourself more able to give to others!)
And seeing as you are already open to what is going on within youself....that is a very good sign IMO.

All the best,

:hug:

DemEx

[Digit]

2. Volunteer

Get out of your head and into your heart.
I would suggest volunteering in helping an adult learn to read, or assisting in an old folks home.
Hospitals also have volunteer positions.
Believe me, you will be GREATLY appreciated, and maybe you will realize you can be proud of yourself and that is all you need.
I wish you all the best!
:hi:

[NJCher]

3. form partnerships and also just ask

Moral support is vital. I've had many relationships where I've formed a team or partnership with someone to provide it. My husband is very good in his support and I think I am very helpful in supporting his endeavors. When we formed our partnership, we actually talked about how we would only be supportive and never discourage or denigrate the other. Twenty years of this has been vital to our overall happiness.

A person can form all kinds of partnerships for moral support. I have one partnership going with a friend now where we are both working to achieve certain goals. Each of us has a handicap that makes it difficult to achieve certain goals but through our partnership, those weaknesses are overcome. For example, I am not good at "constructing" things. I would make a poor engineer. My friend, however, comes by her engineering abilities easily and she has helped me design various structures I've needed for my gardens, etc.

I think that if you're seeking moral support, you should just ask for it. I also think that if you don't get it the first time around, keep after it.

A a teacher, f a student came to me and simply said a little moral support was needed, I would make sure it was there.


Cher

[FreedomAngel82]

4. I wish I could help

but I have the same problem. I'm more-so a loner and never had love intrest's. All I do to keep myself going is to remember what I love to do and that somehow I'm here for some reason even if I'm a lone. It's hard and lonely but when I just sit outside and look around I'm glad to be here.

[BuelahWitch]

5. I've gotten alot of encouragement from my pets

True they can't give me a verbal ego boost, but it sure is nice to come home after a hard day of work and find that fur baby waiting! :loveya:
I figure if I've been given such a gift of love life can't be all bad.

[LWolf]

6. I feel like you are echoing my path!

I can hear myself saying the very same things, at different times of my life. Fortunately, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

A few things that you typed stood out for me:

<snips>

I have to believe in the here and now that it's going to work before I invest even a second of my time.

I've been thinking about the practice of faith/trust as it appears in various belief systems, including my own, lately; I believe this is an issue with trust.

I think that doubt restrains or repulses positive intentions, whether you are praying to an outside force to "answer" a prayer or creating your own reality with the thoughts, words, deeds, and energies you express. I've been at the place many times where I wanted to demand concrete evidence before believing that my focus would achieve the results I desired, and every single time I've been reminded: that demand is an expression of doubt, which negates the creative energy I was focused on.

In other words, to go forward, I think you will have to choose to believe that it's going to work, and invest your time and energies, before what you are working on manifests. This is the way it's worked for me, anyway. The simplest step can sometimes seem the most challenging, can't it?

I'm seem to have been looking for encouragement from others around me that I think I need but have never received.

I've had this feeling of just having to fend for myself like a ship without a rudder.

So how do people find the power within themselves in the here and now?

I think you just answered your question, at least in part. It's not from without that the affirmations need to come. The strength, the encouragement, and the rudder is within yourself; it's what you (((know))). I think the meditation suggestion is a good one. You can meditate on the things you know about yourself; the things you know are strong, the things you are good at, the things you have achieved. What are your strengths? When you have acknowledged your own power, you can set goals and go after them.

Start with what is good, and clean, and strong within you, and build on that. It is amazing to me the way others will recognize what you recognize about yourself; if you look within, eventually those without will notice those things that you recognize, in my experience.

Here's an external hug, and a question to get you started:

:hug:

What are some of your strengths? How do you use them?

[Why Syzygy]

19. This is awesome.

I think that doubt restrains or repulses positive intentions, whether you are praying to an outside force to "answer" a prayer or creating your own reality with the thoughts, words, deeds, and energies you express.

That phrase just lightened my personal load. Thank you!

[seabeyond]

7. you are looking to the outside

you can only find it within. this is only my opinion. if you are not receiving the love from the outside world, i sould suggest you do not give yourself that love. if you tell self you arent worthy of love even from you, how in the world are you warranted love from others. no one can give this to you. you can only find it with self.

age has a lot to do with it

[DemExpat]

8. This is so true!

When you send out signals to the world that you are not good enough, lovable enough, worthy enough, this self-created barrier of messages creates the very reality that you project. People have no choice but to respond in kind to the message they receive.

Good point here - nurture the self-appreciation, kindness, and love first.

DemEx

[seabeyond]

9. there is a payoff in it somewhere

trust that. it may not be easily recognized, and it may be something we term negative, but it is a payoff and we chose to create this from behavior.

i know for years i purposely shut people out. and when i would say i am so lonely, i felt sorry for myself, yet i could see, i was creating the seperation from fellowman. and i was doing it to protect myself. for my personal reasons. once i acknowledge this me, i was able to be much more compassionate and understanding of that me. acknowledging it, and knowing i was chosing this life, i was creating it, with that knowledge, i became empowered.

i was no longer the victim

way back then i would often say to myself, as i started beating self up. love that me i am ashamed of, coddle that fear in me that scares me so. i would visualize myself being loved as i would love a two year old. as jesus would love me.

it was a great exercise. there are things you can literally do to change this you. and then you will more clearly create different things. (i could say you would create want you want, but your want now is what you create)

[Nancy Waterman]

11. I agree with seabeyond but would add something

Think of it all as the way energy flows around you. What comes to you is a mirror of your inner self. If you always look for what is lacking, the world looks back at you and focuses on what is lacking. Learn to focus on the good. Make a list of what you are grateful for, even the little things, every day. If you focus on these, they will grow. If you focus on what is lacking, the lack will grow. Generating that feeling of gratitude, and feeling yourself surrounded by those good things, is very powerful.

There also may be some karma in here in that you may be getting back from others what you have dealt out in the past. So I would work on changing that energy. Start to note the accomplishments and work of others and thank them for it. It doesn't need to be big things. Lfe is made from a million details. Thank the bus driver or the ticket seller or the waitress. Acknowledge them for their hard work. In short, give them what you want from the world. That will shift the energy around you after a while and begin to attract the same recognition. But it must first become a part of you.

[DemExpat]

12. Yes, this twist on the theme has much validity too, Nancy.

Gerald Jampolsky's books, especially "Love is Letting Go of Fear" really opened my eyes and heart to this mechanism and I found it to be true.

I need to get the book out again for a refresher course!

:D

DemEx

[Lorien]

10. Be the person you are searching for

I grew up in a similar fashion;I was the "unwanted" child in the family (a pre-marital mistake-and I was told as much), I had a facial deformity (since fixed), was speech impaired and very shy. I received relentless bullying in school-not encouragement.Even the teachers thought I was a tad "developmentally delayed" because of my slurred speech and my silence. i got a great job after college working as an animator for Disney, and I was very good at it-too good. My superiors were convinced that I would rob them of their positions someday, so they put me down at every opportunity and set up every roadblock they could think of. I even got reprimanded for receiving complements from other artists ("you"re taking attention away from those who deserve it"). And when I would ask what I could do to improve my relationship with my superiors, I was told "it's not your work-it's you. We don't like who you are, and we feel that your ego needs to be taken down a notch or two". Apparently keeping my nose to the grindstone and not smoozing a lot meant that I had an overblown ego-which was as far from the truth as could be...

So I left my job, started my own business (where I didn't expect any adulation) and taught a college course.I became the person I was searching for to my students. I encouraged them and became their mentor. I still keep in touch with many of them-I've gone to their weddings, housewarmings, baby showers...I've written letters of recommendation to help them find great jobs. On my last day as a teacher, they thew me a surprise party and dinner, with gifts and cards-many of which said that I had helped to change their lives, that they would never forget me, etc. etc. If you put your heart into it, teaching can be incredibly rewarding. Consider becoming SOMEONE ELSE'S mentor-there's nothing better for one's self esteem. :-)

[LiberalEsto]

13. Make lists!

Take an empty notebook and start writing down everything good that you can think of in yourself. Even if it's just that you brush your teeth regularly and know how to save a few bucks with grocery coupons. Start small, but keep adding to it.

Start keeping a journal in that notebook, exploring your life, writing down whatever you feel, whenever you feel like writing. Try to analyze your life. Every once in a while, write up a new list of what's good about yourself. Also make lists of what you want to improve in yourself. Eventually you will see progress. Encourage yourself in this journal.

Around Jan. 1 make lists of your goals for the coming year -- even if your goals are to recycle that pile of old newspapers and clean out a closet. It's great looking back a year later and seeing what you've managed to cross off that list.

I've been in your shoes, and so has my brother. We were raised by severely depressed parents (war refugees) who gave us no praise, support, or encouragement of any kind. My brother is a wreck; I've gotten a lot of therapy, taken antidepressants, and worked on my lists and journal for years. I still have times when I'm very down about my life, but things are a lot better than they were 10-15 years ago.

Good luck! The fact that you have this much insight into your situation proves that you are capable and sensitive enough to work through it and resolve it.

[Eloriel]

14. You've gotten some amazing responses

I was going to tell you that you'd have to do the job of reparenting yourself, and to a certain extent that's probably true (or another idea for you).

Bear in mind that most of us who have had burdens and heartaches are supposed to heal them, rise above them and then use them for good in the world, use the whole experience to heal others and/or the world (or some little corner of it). It's the Wounded Healer archetype.

And here's some earlier threads from this forum that may have other good info:

The DU Spiritual Emergency Tool Kit
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=245&topic_id=4645

also: How to rid myself of negative energy
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=245&topic_id=5108#5174

[jen4clark]

15. Check out Kryon

If it's "time" for you to receive this information it will blow you away - you'll know it's right. If it's not, it won't "feel" right.

There are a series of 10 books now, but as the person who introduced me to Kryon stressed, it is very important to read them in order. At least for me and her it was.


Here's the link to the 1st book on Amazon. Read the reviews and see what you think.


:pals:

[magnolia]

16. To bushwentawol and...

...FreedomAngel82: I have a huge extended family, friends and relationships and you know what, I still need to go inside for love and strength. Everybody does! The fact is that in many cases having a lot of outside stimulation keeps you from looking for your inner light. And without it, your life is empty regardless of how many people are in it. Family and friends can be a double-edged sword, they bring a lot of joy, but also a lot of pain. Look at the world around you...the amount of anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol that are used by people who seem to have it all, by the rich and famous. You have everything you need to have a full and happy life...you have yourself. It's no different for anyone else.

Look at it this way...you can go through college taking all the easy courses...but eventually you have to take the hard ones too. It's wiser to take the hard ones...then you can relax and enjoy the easy ones. Maybe you "choose" to do that. Don't feel sorry for yourself or envy anyone because they too will have to take the hard classes at some point.

I was exactly where you were with "positive thinking"...I thought, "I'm not going to do this if I don't know it will work!" But, what's the alternative? Negative thinking? How's that working for you? Thinking positive can be a strain, so start by just observing your thoughts. Notice what you think and how you react. If your thoughts are mostly negative and your life is crappy...then rejoice in the fact that IT IS WORKING!!! Seriously! If your thoughts created your life thus far, then your thoughts can change it. One of my favorite quotes:

"With a simple but breathtaking stroke, if you can change your mind, you can change your world." (Deepak Chopra) Believe it...it's true.

Suggested reading: "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

Simple, small books...read just a few pages before sleep or when you wake up: "Creating Affluence" and "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" both by Deepak Chopra.

Get some tapes to listen to. My favorite are by Marianne Williamson. I especially like her because she is political. She helped found the Department of Peace along with Dennis Kuchinic.

See if there is a "Course in Miracles" study group in your area.

Like someone said before, find something that resonates with you. We are so blessed to be living in a time when there are so many things out there to help us.

Lastly...the most valuable people in your life are the ones that encourage you to grow spiritually...and you have lots of those people right here.

[Quakerfriend]

17. Just from your post, I can see that you are a very

honest and courageous soul, b.w.a.!

And, this thread has provided you with beautiful insights, all of which I agree with. I would say, as someone mentioned above, really try to find time to help others- whether through regular volunteer work or perhaps just by reaching out to an elderly neighbor in need.

It works wonderfully!

[BlueIris]

18. Kick. Anyone interested in reviving this discussion?

I know a lot of people who struggle with the issues posed by the OP of this thread. If anyone here has any additional suggestions for how people in the situation bushwentawol describes, I would love to read them.