I am bummed about my daughter, who is my only child

[Digit]

She is beautiful, and smart, but in her last year of college, she has taken up with an ex-felon and I believe they are living together.

This guy owes tons of back child support for another child he fathered by a another woman, and I caught him stealing from me, which my daughter knows about.

She is not coming clean with her living arrangements, but his son called me to remind HIM that his birthday was in two days. Sad, isn't it? That is how I found out he is living in the area (out of state), where my daughter is living. She did confess to working at a Golden Corral...and here she has almost a 4.0 avg. She is never in the dorm anymore, and that is how I know she is not living there.

I am afraid I will say something to drive her further away, since he is doing everything he can to distance us anyway. He KNOWS how I feel about him when I caught him stealing!

Her father was controlling, and that is why I left HIM, and this guy is very controlling also.
Just being around him creates an atmosphere of chaos, like I have purchased a one way ticket to crazytown. For instance, he will storm out on a moment's notice for no real reason or make up crazy stories which you know could never-EVER be true. He later said he sought a psychiatrist the next day who put him on medication. Well, I know and you know, you can never see a psychiatrist on one day's notice, and have a diagnosis that same day for bi-polar disorder.

She keeps getting hooked up with guys who take advantage of her or who try to control her. One boyfriend had threatened to kill her if she left him.

If it matters, she was born in Alexandria, Va June 29th, 1984 at 9:10 am.

I really want her to come home, work for a year before going back to grad school. I also would like her to find someone her intellectual equal without a rap sheet, who will treat her well instead of picking fights all the time with her.

[DemExpat]

1. Oh this sounds so painful, Digit.

The bright spot being she isn't pregnant or on drugs, or involved in crime herself.
I also have seen beautiful, smart girls get involved with the worst men - the only way I can make sense of this is that in many cases, as possibly in your daughters', it really is working through something about power, control, that started with her father.

Have you tried having a heart to heart with her about your concerns and fears? Without going into your expectations for her (Grad school, for example).......

I have a daughter almost 25 who, after graduating from highschool went into a period of insecurity and searching. She is graduating from University next year and has a great boyfriend for a year and a half. This young man is not the intellectual equal of my daughter, but a hard-working, smart and loving -with -people kind of guy, I guess you might say with a high EQ. My husband and I had to put our expectations away (for what we felt she should do, should have for a partner, etc.) and enjoy her happiness with her choices. And after my life's experiences I place enormous value on 'emotional' intelligence and sensitivity rather than intellectual for basis in a relationship.

Imagine if we had shown any disapproval......now we all win and are still very close.

I can confront my children with how I feel about things going on in their lives, but I admit, it is a fine line to walk with HOW you can do this without harming the trust and love that is there. Taking a stance from love and concern, totally without criticism of your loved one, without trying to impose your expectations on them (this has never worked with my kids :-)!) is how I have woven my way into being able to talk to my kids about important stuff.

All the best with this, this can be so tough, I know.

:hug:

DemEx

[NuttyFluffers]

2. reverse psychology should probably fix this

first: hide all valuables in your safe deposit box. at the absolute most have $40 of cash on hand, preferrably less. use credit cards for everything (and naturally pay it off each month). he'd be the biggest moron on earth to attempt CC fraud on your card and try to get away with it. i wouldn't care if my daughter screamed her lungs out threatening to jump if i don't forgive (that's what tranquilizers or hunky, burly rescue firefighters are for), i'd have Visa or Master Card's lawyers on his ass and him off to a penitentiary so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. very Clint Eastwood about CC lawyers -- "make my day, punk!"

k, now that your precious money is safe, or neatly backed by a horde of lawyers, you're ready to save your daughter. here's the best part: drive her crazy, love the guy! it's all probably a bit of self-sabotaging anti-establishmentarianism on her part anyways. dote on him, laugh at all his jokes, say he's the "bee's knees" (no, really! say it! mortify your daughter! :D). few things nip rebellion in the bud faster than acceptance. oh, and practice a beatific smile.

in fact, whenever they visit i'd start baking his and her favorite pastry treats frantically. i'd make several batches, enough for them to take home and last for a week. why? to make one of them fatter of course! it doesn't really sound like there's a strong foundation here, but there might be. might as well nix out the temporal lust factor and head straight for domestic, quotidian bliss (or hell). i'd actually make more of his favorite treats than hers. but a little weight argument here, controlling argument there, and a touch of tempered lust, well, it should be enough to break a house of cards. besides, who's going to accuse you of being cruel by being kind enough to bake goodies? and think, it gives you an excuse to run to the kitchen for a breather between bouts of their visits.

this should work. it adds the right type of stress and tempering healthy to any relationship without being destructive. if they saaaaay it's love, might as well have them proooove it, riiiight? :D oh, and i never said i was an angel... :evilgrin:

[DemExpat]

5. Oh, NuttyFluffers....

you kill me here with your tips for overloading them with baked goods........:D


Not always, but humor sometimes helps.

DemEx

[Quakerfriend]

3. Hi Dig!!

:hi: I hope you are doing well!

You have just been given a golden piece of info- His date of birth.

Keep this, along with his complete name, and a picture of him (if you've got one) in a safe place. Be prepared to act when the time comes, and unfortunately it will likely come soon.

My beloved elderly mother became friendly with a wiley crook several years ago and I was able to have him arrested because I had this info on him.
Mom loved astrology and would ask everyone who came into her life what their date of birth was. So, I found this guys birth date and a photo among her papers and saved it for the time I might need it.

This guy was escorting Mom to the Mac machine and having her take out $200 in cash several times/week! My sisters and I knew that he was probably a drug addict and was totally BSing Mom but, we could not convince her. She ended up buying him 5 cars (YES 5!) over an 8 month period!! She was unable to keep track of all of his lies after awhile.

Anyway, she called one night, very afraid saying: "George, is yelling at me." And, I was able to go into action.

The police were reluctant to go over to her house until I gave them info on him. 20 minutes later he was in cuffs! Turns out there was a bench warrant for his arrest. THE DATE OF BIRTH is very helpful!!

It may be that this guy has violated parole and is wanted. Good luck with this dear. I know it must be very hard on you. But, be patient and keep things good with your daughter. This will help you in the long run.

I'll PM you later girl!

[Digit]

4. Whoops, I don't have HIS dob, that was my daughter's.

I think I can find out, but my daughter may fib to hide how truly old this guy is. I know he is at least 30 years old....maybe 31.

I had a very close friend who was an astrologer that presented me with her chart when my daughter was born. My daughter is one of those sensitive Cancer's with Leo rising, so I see the "sunny side", when in reality, you have to handle her with kid gloves.

I could call the police dept to see if they are looking for him. Ah shoot, I don't have where he is living up in the DC area. I know he is wanted for back child support....lots of it.

Oh, and he steals TOOLS. What little jewelry I have is hidden.

[DemExpat]

6. Perhaps we can have a vigil of sorts here

for prayers, meditations, lit candles to help guide your daughter to the truth?

:hug:

DemEx

[LiberalEsto]

7. Instead of talking about her bf, talk about her father

Her controlling father sounds like a huge part of the reason she is seeing this guy. He's older, and he's controlling - a father substitute figure. People often choose relationships based on what is familiar in their lives, not what's good for them.

Don't even mention the bf. Ask her how she felt about her dad's control issues, how she has coped, how she feels about her dad now. It doesn't have to be done all at once. Maybe several short talks over a period of months. She needs to start letting those feelings out and dealing with them, and recognize how they affect her choices today.

And force yourself not to be negative about the guy around her, because that will make her defend him.

[Digit]

8. She hates her father

I do allow her to vent, even though it makes me want to wring her father's neck to hear some of the games he has played with her. Like when on vacation, she would tell me how he would pretend to leave her behind....stuff like that. He thought it was funny to make her cry.

It is difficult to NOT be critical of this relationship with the ex-felon. I tell her she can do much better, and deserves someone who treats her like a queen.
Here she is...a Psychology Major and will be going on to grad school after working for a year.

It is clear to me she is dealing with her father issues, and I have gone so far as to point this out, but so far, it hasn't changed anything.

Since her father had found a way to see where she was through GPS online using her cell phone, she changed plans and/or is using her b/f's cell. Since her b/f's recent influence, she has had little contact with me.

So pardon me for venting...it has been going on for awhile now, and is getting under my skin more and more.

[LiberalEsto]

9. It sounds like hell

The girl's father sounds mentally ill, and totally frightening.
Can she get a protection order against him? Just wondering.

Has she had any counseling for the father issues? One free source of help might be Co-Dependents Anonymous. And if she refuses to go, it might be worth your while to go yourself. They can offer you some strategies for coping with some of this awful situation.

Good luck, and PM me if you need to talk. I've got daughters 22 and 19, and just thinking about one of them being in such a relationship scares the daylights out of me.

[Digit]

10. I had never heard of this group but they sound helpful

I had suggested counseling and she had some last year while at school, but she doesn't tell me much. She is funny like that...secretive, and overly sensitive. Generally, I try not to pry so much that it causes her to retreat. Her father was intrusive enough. She knows I am there for her.

I will check to see if there is anything in the Baltimore area she might attend and see if there is a group in NC which I might visit to gather some tips.

Thanks

[LiberalEsto]

11. Link

http://www.coda.org

If there's no CODA, try Al-Anon.

[bliss_eternal]

12. Oh wow, Digit--

I just wanted to offer you this :hug:. I'm so sorry your daughter is involved with such a guy. I will send you both love and light and pray for her safety.

If I can do anything else, please let me know. :hi:

[Digit]

13. I was in church this evening for a class and missed her call

It sounded like she was at a mall, so I suspect she is unable to call from where she is living...most likely due to him no allowing her to call me.

All I have is the dorm phone number which she never answers anymore, so I was unable to call her back.

Back when I was having to purge my head of all the crazy sh** her b/f would come up with, I created a Word file detailing a ton of that stuff. I am not going to pollute this site with that junk, nor do I want to revisit it for my own sanity.

Suffice to say, she rescues things...animals as well as people. She has not learned you cannot always fix people.
She does not do drugs, of which I am thankful.

I wish I had been able to provide a model relationship with a male for her to emulate, but my ex made it impossible to do so. My ex was too jealous and made allegations that any boyfriend I would entertain was abusing my daughter. This allegation even made it into court. I had a group of people over one time to look at my computer setup since I was a sysop of a computer bulletin board, and they said I was having an orgy and having sex with all of them!! My ex would sit in a car down the street with his MOTHER and spy on me. They even hired so called expert witnesses to appear in court. He had an endless supply of money, so I was no match for him. So, the only time I could even date was when my daughter was at her father's for the weekend.

It is beyond petty, and anyone in this situation really needs to consider long term consequences to the child. I wish I could underline this. Please put petty differences behind you in divorces and consider the children!

I have often wondered why I ended up with such a monster and the one thing I tell my daughter is that her father IS very intelligent. She already is old enough to know his bad qualities gleened from her own experiences, so I like to point out the one positive so I am not adding on or tearing him down. He is afterall her father even though he made me prove it with a blood test. I will never tell her all that I know NOW about him.

Who knows, later on he could change and why should I poison her view FURTHER with what he did to me, personally.

I appreciate all the feedback I have received and will suck up all the negatives I want to say about the b/f so I don't push my daughter away.
I feel that even in sharing; my tale has given me strength

Thank you all for the love, light and healing.

[japple]

14. Hi Digit. You know, if you keep "sucking up all the negatives" you're

going to explode! Honey, you need to find a way to release this negative energy. Do you meditate or do yoga? That might help, in addition to some sort of support group. Ask your guardian angels to protect you and your daughter. Before you go to sleep, ask your higher self/authentic self to communicate with your daughter on a soul-to-soul level.

Sending you and your daughter love, light, healing energy and peace.
And a great big :hug:

[crikkett]

15. You might want to avoid grandchildren by this creep

The best thing my mother ever did for me was to advise me to get on birth control and stay there, until I truly felt I could support a kid, and to teach me that the most prepared woman can support her own children. That's an argument to finish college: prepare, because you never know what life will throw at you, and even the perfect man for you is mortal.

And please let your daughter know that you'll always be on her side. The worst hurt you can do to her is to act as if you're not on her side.

All the best, I'm rooting for you.
Crikkett

[SheilaT]

16. She's over 21.

She's in her last year of college. You can make it very clear, in as loving a way as you can, that your feelings for her will never change, but that you absolutely cannot allow a thief into your home.

Do not be an enabler in this relationship, and quite frankly, if you do anything to help out that's exactly what you're doing.

At some point it's time to understand that our children are adults and responsible for their own lives. it may be that there's a past-life connection here, it may be that she has something to work out with him, or in a relationship like this. You say that she keeps getting hooked up with guys who take advantage of her or who try to control her. You are not responsible for that. Don't let anyone try to make you feel as if you are.

And while you only want the best, and you say you "really want her to come home, work for a year before going back to grad school. I also would like her to find someone her intellectual equal without a rap sheet, who will treat her well instead of picking fights all the time with her." be careful that you aren't trying to control her yourself.

I know it's difficult. Last year my 18-year old son moved out for a month (it was his last year of high school) because we would not tolerate his drug usage and dealing. It was hell, because we didn't know for sure where he was living during that time. Incredibly enough, he finished high school -- I really thought he wasn't going to make it -- and has successfully completed his first year of college. When he came home last week we off-handedly informed him that he needed to earn all his own spending money from now on (school and room and board there are paid for) and he went job-hunting for three days and starts work day after tomorrow.

Sometimes tough love works.

[Ilsa]

17. June 29th is my b-day, 9 pm, 26 years earlier. I wonder how

much drugs may be part of the scene, and that is what is holding her to him for relaxation. She might gently need to be reminded about how inconsiderate this man can be and how manipulative he can be. I think she'll listen although she may not want to change her path yet. Help create some cognitive dissonance to help her feel better about moving on when she finally gets it. She still needs to be having fun with guys closer to her age and experiences.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I hope she can get through this without blemishing her own reputation and grades.

[Me.]

18. Dear Digit

This sounds like a terribly difficult and heartbreaking time for you, and wanting to protect your child is such a strong urge, but I think to keep her, you must let go of her. Damn, blistering hard thing to do. Protect yourself (not let BF in your house) so you will be there in good stead when she needs you. If you can truly do this without rancor in your heart she will come back to you and you will be able to comfort her, for she will need it most likely.

*shadow government*

[Digit]

19. He is not allowed in the house...I established that rule already

Do I need to refrain from making comments that she find someone who treats her better, or not point out he can't keep a job?

To say NOTHING almost feels like condoning the relationship.

During the summer, he was driving his old beat up '88 Corolla without as much as a license or insurance.
One evening I received a call and he was in jail. I was not going to bail him out, so I believe his mother was the one who finally posted bail. I understand he was caught for driving w/o a license and his car was impounded. He did not have money to get the car, so it was finally taken to the junk yard.

I don't know why they let him out of jail since he owes thousands for back child support, and I think he was cited for contempt of court for not showing up at a hearing or whatever you call it.

[Me.]

20. I Understand Your Worry

about silence being assent. But your daughter is smart so do you think she really doesn't know what you think? And for that matter do you think she doesn't know about her boyfriend? She's just not owning up to or facing it. You are powerless in this situation, and it must make you want to scream. I say let it go, as hard as it is. Don't think about it, don't participate in the madness. And every time you think about it, bless the situation, as many times as you need to, until the anger, fear, sorrow, frustration and worry give up their grip on you. Turn this over to a power greater than you and ask them to resolve the matter in a perfect way. Doing so allows you to take action and engages the power of the universe in your cause. And that's a whole lot of power.

[Me.]

21. I Just Remembered

An email someone sent me. It said, "Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big God is". Of course, I mean God in the most universal, creatorish way.

*shadow government*