I don't WANT to Love again... the most painful human emotion

[FirstLight]

loss, loneliness, separation, unrequited emotion... i feel like a teen all over again. My heart is getting too old for this!

The opening of myself to the POSSIBILITY of relationship took alot of courage and keeping my priorities and my boundaries clear.

in the beginning, I stayed cautious, and we discussed 'doing it different' we had many of the same ideas and goals, it seemed congruent. So many ideas to build, so much in common. He is the kind of man that I hadn't sought out in a long time...someone of a diferent caliber. Someone who came from a similar family/upbringing, who was SMART (god is that sexy) and creative too... we had more fun than a barrell of monkeys and had physical connection that was easy and comfortable. (for me, that was huge, considering being abused by my last husband in ways that made me think i was dead inside)

As we unfolded together, over the next 5 months, I kept 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'... waiting for him to dump me or for him to get scared & run for whatever reason...just knew it would be something fleeting on some level, knew we were not meant for the long haul. But I was willing to show up and give of my self and my heart and lessons ANYWAY...because I trusted that I was here for a reason and was willing to learn the lessons offered, and more than willing to get cuddles and sexual joy and all the comfort that goes with having someone in your life that connects with you daily 'just to see how things are going', etc... I thought that would last for a long time, easily.

I tried to keep my emotions in check because I didn't want to ask for too much.(dammitt, why MUST be the type to wear my heart on my sleeve?!) I tried to hold it in and felt the rift begin. At first it was about his past, but it became clear that it was more about his heart not being open, for whatever reason, he was not able to give back the same emotion...at least not openly. Intimately, in those moments of caresses and quiet, we shared with both hearts open...it was easy. But in the reality of life and jobs and bills and struggle...he couldn't/wouldn't allow me to take that next step closer.
And when I came right out and asked for it, like a strong spirit who knew what she needed... he closed the door to his heart, plain & simple and there was no going back. He said he was sorry, I will give him that...and that he didn't mean to hurt me...but in the face of the hollow feeling inside me it feels even more empty. I know he has his own reason for needing that separation, and i may never understand HIS process, but that doesn't make it feel any less painful or like I missed the memo somewhere...

Now, I understand that this may be the 'warming up' for me - that I may find someone with all the connections AND an open heart. And I understand this is only partially about him, and mostly about the lesson
but it doesn't make me stop crying, and i wish i could just go back a month and shut my freaking mouth and NOT ask for any more than he was willing to give so i could still have him hold me...

I don't know what the answer is...there is this crazy glimmer of silly teen angst hope that makes me wish he would call me back and say he misses me too and we can just be together and take it to the next level. I didn't think I was asking for much, didn't want a marriage proposal, in fact I KNOW I am not ready for anyone in that way. I know I have too many details and issues of MY OWN to work through.. but why couldn't we just be there for eachother and care and be the joyful place to have respite from the rest of our stuff that we are working on...?

I hate feeling like this, I hate being so hollow and yet still having the tears spill over when I think of him or how I was SO STUPID to let someone IN. I don't want to feel like I made a mistake in loving someone...but when they take their love away before you can even share it... it begs the question...what is wrong with ME?

please send loving light to help me heal this... i'l keep running energy and maybe eventually that hope wil fade and my feelings will be replaced by fond memories... but this process is hell on wheels right now and I don't know if I can DO it again...

~~~~~
...and on top of it all, the youngest two kids (6& 7) are out of CONTROL...they are being destructive and horrible to the point that i feel i am either gonna end up in the hospital with all the stress, or having to give them UP because i can't handle them. They flooded my bathroom with catlitter & toilet water yesterday, they are climbing furniture and all sorts of crazy behaviors that i am wondering if they got some weird psychotic gene from my ex or something. I don;t want to be a spanking mommy, but i have gotten to the point that i am going to to be "old school" and wash their mouths out w soap if they even TRY to talk back...

I don;t even want to be near them, i feel like having children RUINED MY LIFE rght now
...they aren;t doing simple things and lying about the rest, they think it is funny when i get upset... I feel outnumbered because there's only one of me

I am supposed to start a new JOB assignment next week and be able to do EXECUTIVE meetings...but i am a basket case and just want to run away ...and if my personal life is so ruinous, how can i make ANY kind of progress in the rest of my life?
the breaking point is near, my blood pressure is over the edge and my dr actually just ordered a series of tests because even my heart rate is too high ... couldn;t sleep last night til 3 am, and cried myself to sleep... i have to pull it together, and i feel so empty and alone i just want to cut & RUN. sell everything, get a ticket to paris and go have a whole new life.

[I Have A Dream]

1. I am sooo sorry that you hurt so badly, FL.

I wish that I knew what to do or say to at least make some kind of difference. All I can do is listen when you need an ear and send light,love and energy to help the healing that is needed to take place as quickly and easily as possible.

:hug::hug::grouphug::hug::hug:

[FirstLight]

2. Thanks for your healing light IHAD

I always know it's there...thanks for that.

It just feelis like this life, this TIME on the planet is SOOOO) freaking hard, i am so tired of feeling pushed to the brink so often and having this learning curve...
i know we came here to heal SO much right now, but i just want to tell the Universe "stop the world, i wanna get OFF"


:hug:

[JanusAscending]

3. WOW !!

You just sucked all of the breath out of me!! Take a deep breath honey! BREATH in the light and healing vibes being sent your way right now! I have much to tell you, and much to share. I will have to come back to this later, after I've gathered some strength and cleared my head. In the meantime.........:grouphug: big ones from me!! All I can say right now is...been there, done that, and I'm still here! One day at a time. Love you JA

[BanzaiBonnie]

4. First of all, hugs to you

May you feel all the comfort you need in your time of pain and sorrow.

PLease take care of yourself. You deserve the time and space to grieve for what was. Do not dwell on what might have been because that was your dream. Doesn't mean it is not a possibility in the future. You know what you want. Hold open the possibility of your dream but allow yourself time to heal for now.

You are smart and capable. Take this a step at a time.

Keep in mind that you are the hero of your own life and every hero needs allies. Who are your allies? Who can help you sort things out with the kids? It looks to me like they are reflecting the chaos you are feeling. Take care of yourself before you deal with their shenanigans.

I know it's easy for me to write to you, but know that I've been in the same place and I'm sure others have too. It hurts and there is so much grief. It just seems such a shame. But you will get through this. And you'll be stronger and better than before. You will learn about your suer powers and ow to use them.

IM me if you want to talk. Know that there are many of us here to support you.

[FirstLight]

6. thanks...

The kids have been getting progressively 'worse' all year...the two of them have me running in circles as it IS...but they are really pushing their skills right now. i have them on LOCKDOWN today. Took all their toys and put them in the garage, they are ONLY allowed to read, do homework and color... we'll see how long i can make it stick.

I know that i have the capablitiy to handle all of this stuff but it just hurts and my eyes are SO freaking swollen from crying i don;t know how to feel "okay"
funny, i thought being abused was bad, but it is almost wors when someone is NICE to you and takes their love away. at leats the meanness carries some justifiable anger...when i get upset at Todd, i really have nobody to blame but myself for believing in him,,,

I think that is the part that kills me the most. I hate Believing in ANY other humanbeing, because they ALWAYS let me down...
i know it is an old tape and an old belief, but it feels so true right now. I HATE letting myself believe that men stay around to help raise children, i hate believing in my feelings for someone and then having the rug pulled out from under me...

how do i NOT believe in love, though? Isn;t that the glue that holds the universe together? and why can;t i get it to work for ME?
days like this i think that nobody is gonna want me because i have 3 kids and no real income and i have nothing concrete to offer... but i know i am good at loving and believing in someone when they are in my life...somehow it is not enough

[BanzaiBonnie]

8. I am so sorry that you're hurting so badly right now

Do you have anyone who can take the kids for the afternoon? You need some time to go ahead and scream at the walls about how unfair this is. And vent about how much it hurts.

Is your doctor someone who can be an ally for you? Is there anyone in your neighborhood or area who you can spill to? Someone to bounce ideas of of?

[FirstLight]

10. Oh i have friends..

got college girlfriend whose daughter is my babysitter, got a firned of todds that asked me to come see a football game... so that could happen

but nobody can mend my broken heart, and that is the hardest part. My kids didn't know i was dating, nor my family - we kept it quiet because we wanted to 'take it slow' and keep it light....and that was actually the straw that broke the camel's back. I wanted us to "go public" and just allow ourselves to be Boyfriend & Girlfriend, keping it "casual" but still being able to have a dinner at my house and feel free to hold hands (he came over a couple times for dinner, but we played it off as friends) or go out to play in the thrift stores with the kids or stop by my sister's for a ball game, etc... and while it was okay for him to intro ME as a GF, take me to a part to meet his burning man friends, and talk about meeting his sister, or how i would love to hang on thanksgivin with his mom...etc...he shut down when i asked for that next step in relationship - it was just like a light switch, and that's why i am so raw right now...

[Why Syzygy]

5. I only have one suggestion ...

to deal with the kids. Send them outside to run laps around the back yard; not as punishment, but as therapy. They have 100x more energy than we do. They need an outlet. This one simple exercise kept me sane as a mother. If it's cold, bundle 'em up. They'll warm up. Best case scenario, they will consciously enjoy it and learn healthy outlets for their pent up energy. Worst case, they will complain but be too worn out to climb the furniture!

[OneGrassRoot]

7. Let it all out.....

every miserable, painful, soul-wrenching thought you've ever had. No one here judges anything you're feeling.

I do so wish I could DO something beyond praying and sending hugs and envisioning this all lifting for you MIRACULOUSLY...NOW.

You really need a break. Since you are at your breaking point and your health is being affected, is there anyone who could watch the kids for a week? Could they come stay there and you go elsewhere, or vice versa? I know it's a pain and it upsets schedules and such and people would resist and guilt would kick in for you...but you said it yourself: your breaking point is very near. You can't function at a new job, as a mom, or anything else feeling as you do.

You're in the storm wall of the hurricane and feel you have no control, with life throwing you around like a rag doll. You really need some time in the calm eye of the storm so you can catch your breath, and regain some strength to get out of the storm altogether.

:grouphug:

[FirstLight]

9. a week? no... an hour? maybe

I have a friend's teen coming over to babysit while i go watch a football game with my girlfriend...trouble is, it is in carson and i will be so tempted to stop by todd's house and see him...even if it is just to give him his jacket and a textbook I borrowed...
(i know, I know....I am such a fool...but i still wish that somehow seeing me or hugging me would shift it for him and we could try and make it work...silly girl!)

a week isn't possible, my mother can;t take them together they will kill her in 48 ours... and they are supposed to be in school, too.
(Though my daughter came home with a note from the VPrincipal's office for backtalking the asst teacher... so the behavior os happening across the board, they just think they can have their own way about everything because I try so hard to NOT be abusive, that it ends up in fits & starts...i ignore alot because i don't want to deal with it...and then i blow up and feel bad for getting mad. neither is productve...and the teachers can't help me, we even TRIED to get my youngest some time with the school counselor and they referred me to county mental health which is all but shut down in our rural area because of funding issues...)


ugh...
i just want to go to Cabo for a week, for sure!

[OneGrassRoot]

11. Shit...

I wasn't thinking Cabo (the whole "vacation" thing is so removed from my reality, too, FL...lol); I was just thinking that you desperately need some alone time. No pressures from kids or other daily responsibilities. You just need a break, before you break.

Sure, Cabo or a real vacation would be a friggin godsend, but a break to just BE (as shitty as Being may be right now) really sounds in order.

I'm sorry your heart is broken and you're stressed to the breaking point. Honestly, I've only experienced heartache like that once in my life -- I avoided it for 40 years -- and it nearly did me in. It's brutal. It's why I think I prefer to be alone...lol. I give you kudos for being so brave and open-hearted in the face of what you've already endured.

:hug:

:grouphug:

[FirstLight]

12. thanks OGR..

well, I DO get time alone when they go to school...so maybe tomorrow morning can be a SPA DAY...

I am coloring my hair before going to the Football thing, trying to get some groove back, flirt with the bartenders, etc...


meanwhile, all i can do is breathe and try NOT to cry at the thought of him. (..ugh...stupid girl!)
seriously, getting involved in work projects and such will be a good distraction. And I NEED to put on my suit and nylons and high heels - that's MY equivalent of armour! lol

[BanzaiBonnie]

13. Armour up then

And you can quit calling yourself "stupid girl" now. No more :spank: yourself.

Again, take the time for yourself to grieve. I can remember crying for a whole month before I even caught my breath after my husband of twenty years left me to take care of our four kids, by myself.

[southerncrone]

14. I understand you are going through a rough time right now, BUT

I agree with Why S....YOUR KIDS COME FIRST.period.

This may sound harsh, but You.Cannot.Afford.To.Be.Selfish.

I know being a single parent is tough, but THAT is your primary role now. You had these children & you must be responsible for them & the behavior they are allowed to exhibit. If you continue to be inconsistent with their discipline, you will end up with more grief & nightmares when they are teenagers, than this blip on the screen will ever cause you. This MAN is no where near as important as your kids! Men will come & men will go, but YOU are going to be responsible for the beings that your children grow up to be, especially if they are just now 6 & 7. Escaping to Cabo is NOT the answer. Being the adult they need in their lives IS the answer. Shake this off & parent!
From your own words, it sounds like you do not have the time right now for a "relationship". Raising kids takes a lot of time & energy. Sounds like you are already topped out in both of those depts.

I strongly suggest you get some counseling on parenting. You probably need to take a "me" break every week, if possible if you have the friend's daughter to babysit. But letting your kids become hellions is NOT doing ANYONE any good, especially THEM. They need consistent structure in their lives starting right NOW. Perhaps their behavior is a reflection of the fact that you have spent more of your emotional energy on this guy than them & they recognize this, thus they act out trying to get your attention again.

Remember: you do NOT have to have a man in your life to be whole.

I'm sure many of you on ASAH are feeling like I'm being too hard on FirstLight, but sometimes tough love is necessary, & I feel like this is one of those times. I say these things to you FirstLight, because I do love you. And I want you & your kids to have a happy future. For this to happen, though, things have to happen in the proper time & place. I'm sure you know this. Please, focus on your kids now. Doing this will most likely help you heal from this heartache. They are not your enemies, nor "problems"....yet. Kids love unconditionally & that is what you need now. I'm sure they need it, too.

Peace, love & light.
southerncrone

[Kind of Blue]

15. Got to go agree with SC and WhySy, FL.

My mother went through a similar situation with my dad, and it was first across continents and then again when the family reunited in the States. Oh, those were rough days but I didn't know how bad till years later. She put us 3 kids first above anything in her life in a country with no friends and no relatives to help.

Years later, she finally admitted her deep guilt for coming into my room crying and talking to me (her oldest) about my dad when she thought that I was asleep. Oh, how I wished that I could have helped her and thanked her for her love and unwavering care in those early years. And she said her strength and joy came from resetting her focus. Your kids will thank you and owe their life to your good care.

My mom set her house in order as soon and as best as she could. And through her sorrowful struggle, everything else followed. Eventually my dad came to his senses, didn't have a fairy book ending but I love my father dearly just the same.

I'm just saying I agree with focus on your top priority - the kids and you, together - is probably the best way out of the dilemmas and everything else will fall into place. And really, FL, you're a lucky woman and I envy you because some us, like me, can not have kids. I'm very sorry to push this hard but sometimes it's about counting our blessings and keep on steppin'.

[BlueIris]

20. A third agreement and suggestion for counseling here.

Call a crisis line if you have to.

[juno jones]

16. FL

:hug:

[FirstLight]

17. tough love is one thing...BUT

I had to chew on this before replying...

I wrote this as part of a PROCESS, as OGR said, to get it all out... because I thought that HERE, at least, I could lay my guts on the table and try to see the augurs of learning revealed...
It's not like I am laying around weeping and wailing over this all the time...i am processing it quietly and finding moments alone to cry and write and then going on about the busines of keeping a house, doing my work, etc...
Part of this is the fact that I hsve been ALONE for 5 years while recovering from my ex...and ya, my family HAS been my main focus, as well as SURVIVAL. I began to feel that it was time to step out of my 'man hating' and woundedness and try to see if I could date and have fun again...i figure I AM entitled to that once in a while...especially after 5 years of intensive self examination and hard work raising the babies to an 'easier' age...

This relationship is a different thing for me, dealing with someone i respect and want to maintain contact with on a friendship level as well as someone who i could possibly even collaborate with on a professional level... so i WANT to get through the hurt and lovesicknes so I CAN move to a better healthier place. AND I want to examine the pieces of my past & proces that make it hard for me to deal with letting go, and why i seem to have some repeating themes in my love life. I thought ASAH was a safe place to do that, since we are very intimate and open here.

The kids- they are a different bag of worms.
I am a fiercely protective mother and i DO love them and care for them and reign in the chaos on a constant basis. They get in my bed every morning for shnuggles and make me laugh constantly.
They are 15 months apart, i have NEVER dealt with siblings like this before, not even in my family growing up... many times it DOES feel like they gang up on me, 80% of the time it is funny or cute...but the other 20% is hell on wheels. (and i posted right after they had a fun incident with cat liter and a flooded bathroom, so i was a little upset about THEM, too) My oldest was easy, very calm temperament and there was only ONE of him and we used to be great buddies and adventure together...even now he has a wonderful sense of humor and looks like he will be a responsible guy (he's 17)
I never was the kind of girl who yearned for children...i had bigger fish to fry. I have had to learn about kids and how to deal with them 'on the fly' and sometimes i admit i am ill equipped for the task. And when dealing with my issues around men, i also feel a sense of betrayal...like the guys who talked me into having kids got to walk...and left ME holding the responsibility. and i AM pissed about that, rightly so.

So it is not as if I am NOT putting them first...but i get a little tired sometimes of ALWAYS being the one to do it all and to handle everything and to be there for them...when there is nobody there for ME, nobody to hold ME, and nobody to take care of ME. It has been this way my ENTIRE adult life (had my first when i was 21 his dad walked a month before he was born).

Call me SELFISH, it is what it is....and after 5 years of HARD work to figure out how to do this love thing different, I wanted to try it out...but not to the detriment of my family. That's why i have been keeping this whole process on the 'down low' so a not to confuse them with men in the house, etc. So I have ben VERY conscious of them - even when trying to fulfill my own needs as a woman.

so that's all i can say...i hate to be defensive of my process, especially here.

[Celebration]

18. I get it

The kids outnumber you. Yeah, that can get tough at times, and you have no one to lean on or go through the process with you. They are probably each feeding off the energy of the other.

And, to top it all off, you are hurting from the relationship thing.

I honestly think the answer to all this is to live in the moment, take one step at a time. Even when you have a lot to be concerned about, you can just resolve to deal with it. The emotions are what are dragging you down now. Just acknowledge them, and turn them into strategies.

That's the best advice I can give. You will get over the hurt, at some point. That is a given.

:hug:

I agree with your needing breaks from the kids.

[Kind of Blue]

19. FirstLight, thank you for including more context

to some of your statements, especially when you wrote you don't want to be near the kids and you feel like they've ruined your life, that did sound an alarm bell and it was disturbing. Take it from me, having to grow up when a parent says that to you is something you carry with you for a long time, even if the parent was overwhelmed and truly didn't really mean it, and it just sounded like you were on the brink.

I'm sorry to be dense, because as traumatic as the previous posts have been and now this clarification, I'm seeing now that you're taking all filters off and there's no need to think the worst. Whew! That's a relief.

[MorningGlow]

21. No worries, FL

I think perhaps your first post was tough to understand if the reader didn't know all your backstory. I didn't think your first post was alarming, because I do know quite a bit of what you've gone through as well as the context/perspective of your situation.

And hey, anybody who's ever been a mom knows that even though you love your children more than life itself, sometimes you want to run screaming from the little buggers once in a while. But all good mommies (and you are a good mommy) go into another room, count to 10, take a deep breath, maybe shed a tear or two, and plunge back into the fray. That's life with kids.

And yes, you do deserve love and affection from a decent guy. I was shocked to find out that your recent ex was not up to the task. (My offer to come out there and bop him onna head still stands!) My advice is to take a break from the whole guy thing for a little bit, and focus on your new temp job for now. Who knows? While you're out in the working world, you might meet a guy "organically" instead of on a dating site, and perhaps he'll be more mentally prepared for a relationship. Or not. It's that kissing a lot of frogs thing.

Hang in there, FL. You're a great person, and your life will come together soon! :hug:

[FirstLight]

22. hehe...BOIL the frogs, don;' KISS em!

any self respecting witch knows those frogs are merely 'brew-fodder' anyway... :rofl:

thanks for the peptalk girlfriend.

...and i agree that the assignments i am going to be doing will probably reveal more 'options' out there than i could begin to count! AND in the meantime Todd is at least trying to be my friend and staying close, even if i am not a GIRLFRIEND, which may ust be a warm-up for ME, too so i can be ready when the right guy shows up. Hehe, at least i know i can still kiss good!

I am working on the release par and the love it & let it go part, and the orig OP was definately written on saturday when i was in the thick of the hurt once again. I am trying to see my own patterns of how I don;t 'let go' of things well. But hey, ya THINK that may have to do with abandonment issues? ya, therapy-sherapy...gotta just get through those OLD tapes in my head and get into the healthy place instead ;)

Thanks for listening - EVERYONE- I feel like a sheepish schmuck for weeping & wailing. Most of thew time i am that strong suculant wild woman...and occasionally the little weepy teenager girl gets the mike and makes me look bad! :rofl:

[southerncrone]

23. The reason I wrote of tough love is because you made some alarming

statements in your OP:

"...and on top of it all, the youngest two kids (6& 7) are out of CONTROL...they are being destructive and horrible to the point that i feel i am either gonna end up in the hospital with all the stress, or having to give them UP because i can't handle them. "

"I don;t even want to be near them, i feel like having children RUINED MY LIFE rght now"

"the breaking point is near, my blood pressure is over the edge and my dr actually just ordered a series of tests because even my heart rate is too high."

In my experience these are statements made by someone who is in serious need of help. Not statements to be made lightly. I did not detect a "joking" tone in your OP.

I am certainly relieved that you have tried to clear up what your intentions were in the OP.

"I never was the kind of girl who yearned for children...i had bigger fish to fry. I have had to learn about kids and how to deal with them 'on the fly' and sometimes i admit i am ill equipped for the task."

Me, too. But it was still necessary that I learn to cope with the required tasks. I had kids now & my "fish" would have to wait a while, or perhaps never manifest. My kids WERE the big fish now.

"And when dealing with my issues around men, i also feel a sense of betrayal...like the guys who talked me into having kids got to walk...and left ME holding the responsibility. and i AM pissed about that, rightly so."

It takes 2 to tango. You were a apparently a willing participant in the creation of these kids. Being pissed about it will not make it go away. What is done, is done.

Releasing your anger will free you up to so much more in this life! Your anger is only hurting you (& perhaps your kids).
Let it go. What positive purpose is it serving? Have you become addicted to your anger? Is it a comfort to you because it has become a habit?

Please reflect on these questions, FirstLight. Sometimes we just can't see the forest for the trees. I think it's a very positive thing that you are exploring your issues with men. You might make a list of the things that attracted you to them & explore that.

I wish you nothing but the best with your new job & the future. May you find your inner peace soon.

Peace, light & love,
southerncrone

[amitten]

24. I am very sorry and sending hugs and happy thoughts to you.

Nothing, NOTHING can ease such heartache except time, and you know that.

Give it time. And be kind and gentle to yourself. And congratulations! You took a chance on love! That is always always always something to be proud of.

There is never any shame in love given.