Fellow GLBTer's I need some advice

[William769]

I have been with my partner for 15 years. It is almost time for him to leave this earth to go to the hereafter. He has been living on borrowed time for over a year and there is just no more time left to borrow. He gas full blown AIDS. :cry:

My doctor has been trying to get me to put him in Hope Hospice & I have been fighting it, this is the last step I know that will have David just completely give up. I need help I just can't deal with the situation anymore. David cries to me everyday that he doesn't want to be put in a nursing home & I have promised him I wouldn't. :cry:

Not only do I have this to deal with but his brother is already trying to move on his assets. I have spoken to a lawyer & we have all the necessary paper work but he informed me that in the State of Florida with Gay couples it seems like it's not worth the paper it's written on.

I am about to go insane & lose my sanity.:cry:

P.S. if my post doesn't make much sense it's because I am sitting here in tears with all my fears coming true trying to type.

[TNDemo]

1. You poor thing.

As far as hospice, it's not a nursing home. I have had relatives of mine there at the end and they were very pleasant and beautiful places and the whole intent is to make you comfortable for however long that may be. However, if he does not want to do that then don't. It's nice to have the staff always available for whatever you need and the support. Do you have home hospice working with you now? If he wants to stay home they are a great help there too.

As far as his assets, if he is an adult he can write a will and leave his stuff to whoever he wants, unless of course it is jointly owned or something.

These last days with our loved ones are so wrenching. BTDT so I feel for you but I have never lost my partner so I know it must be much worse.

:grouphug:

[William769]

2. We do not have home Hospice

I am his only care giver besides his Doctor. He does have a will, our house is almost paid for in both names all asstest are jointly, but appearnetly in the State of Florida that doesn't mean a hill of beans (Iv'e been told alot of times they put the natural family first).

[TNDemo]

3. If you jointly own the house then when he dies

the house is yours (unless things are really different in FL). Why no hospice? It's usually free through Medicare or with health insurance - not sure about Medicaid but would think so. You need some help!

[William769]

6. I have been fighting Hospice for Davids sake.

He knows with them thats it, he still is holding on to hope. Thats my dilemma

[elehhhhna]

4. aw honey i'm so sorry.

[William769]

10. Thank you.

[DJ MEW]

5. Have him manage all his assets while he is still here.

My dad's cousin was in the same situation your partner is in only he was dieing of Cancer. He had all his assets sorted out before he passed and made sure that his partner got all the things that he wanted him to have. He even planned out his own funeral so that his partner and family members wouldn't have to do it.

I don't know if that helps or not, but good luck.

[William769]

9. It's a start thanks.

[BR_Parkway]

7. I hate that you are going through any of this. Can your partner

give you all the assets now while he's still alive? God that sounds so cruel to even type, but I'm just wondering what legal signifigance it would make vs having to fight his brother. It would be a load off of both your minds when you already have so much to deal with.

[William769]

8. Thats a good idea

Sometimes the the answer is staring you in the face & for some reason you can't see it.

I will talk to him about this.

[okasha]

11. Two cents' worth

What a dreadful situation. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both. It's appalling that anyone would be petty or cruel enough to make things harder for you at a time like this.

Okay--the advice. First: You've made David a promise. No matter how difficult the situation is now, it will give you comfort and pride later to know that you kept faith with him. Let him make the decision to go or not go into hospice.

Second: Is it possible to get David's assets transferred to you as a gift during his lifetime? How would David feel about putting his assets solely in your name? How much protection would that give you under Florida law?

Third: Whether the above is possible or not, use some of those assets for as much respite care as you can afford. That will help you keep your promise to David and will take a notable load off you. (It will also reduce what the vulture brother may be able to get his nasty hands on if the suggestion above isn't possible.)

Just my two cents worth, for what it's worth. Peace and blessings to you both.

[wiley]

16. Great, Loving Advice!

[William769]

18. I will sit down with him tomorrow about the assets.

As for Hospice you are correct, that decision I have to leave with David. It's been really hard on me I can tough it out a bit longer God willing.

[xchrom]

12. i've been where you are.

hospice is indeed not a nursing home -- however hospice will also come to you.

the question is giving the best possible care in his final days -- that's all.

if your house is owned jointly and you are the person named in his will to inherit -- his family is paying a lawyer for nothing -- even in florida.
it has nothing to do with being gay.

these are very hard days -- and i feel for you soo much.
nobody can walk in your shoes and that's the truth.

just know that you are not alone -- and do the best you can to keep your chin up -- that is about the best any of us can do.

:hug:

[William769]

19. Thank you for you kind words xchrom, they are greatly appreciated.

I am going to sit down with David tomorrow & discuss all this. Hopefully it will all work out.

[Rowdyboy]

13. Hospice care is wonderful if the person is ready...They do good work

at least the ones I've observed.

I have no idea about your legal situation. My guy and I are starting to theink abput he same things (my will is made out, his isn't).

All I can say is you have our love and support. God bless you for taking care of him.

[William769]

20. Thank you for your love & support.

In times like this it is well needed.

[wiley]

14. We love you and David

Hospices have changed greatly.

They are not necessarily places where people go to die without treatment. There is no clinical trial that he is eligible for? You can apply directly to Tibotec for a Single Patient Use Compassionate IND (called a Treatment IND) and get both their experimental drugs at the same time. Maybe you should try another doctor, unless there is just no hope at all.

If you are his Power of Attorney the brother can't move on his assets, even in Florida. If there is a will filed with the state, he can't touch you. He could try taking it to Probate court, but with a will and POA there is nothing he can do, regardless of your being a gay couple.

Your post makes a lot of sense. His brother just wants his assets. Typical insensitive greed. He wants to get them before they are exhausted by long term hospice care. If you do put him in Hospice care, you might be pressured to sign over all his assets to the people who run the hospice care place. Be careful.

Take this time to cherish every moment with him. Make a recording of you two talking. Watch a fun movie. Let him know you are always with him and hold him in your heart. Have a long conversation with him about all the things you have already shared in life.

There are also caregiver support groups all over the place. We've all been there before.

You're doing a great job. Crying means that you have a great capacity to love and share. Don't stop now. It's just hard when you're feeling so much and a jerk comes looking for what can be salvaged. That's just plain wrong.

[William769]

21. wiley, your such a sweetheart.

His tcell count has been a 3 for about a year & a half we have tried everything out there. His viral load is above 200,000, his body is being ravaged by the disease. He has pancreatitis, adrenal gland has stopped functioning, he has aspergerosis & a pulmonary infection.

Ihave in Florida what they call durable Power of Attorney. I did ot know Hospice would try to take assets, thanks for letting me know that.

I stay home with him 24/7, he's the love of my live & always will be.

[Warpy]

15. Hospice is wonderful, and it's not about dying

It's about living the last few weeks or months as comfortably as people can, and they are very liberal with the feel good drugs. They'll also do a lot of counseling with you, and it can help. They will help with practical things like bathing, and they'll give you advice on what you might be able to get him to eat. When the time comes, all you need to do is call them, and they handle all the transfers and paperwork that occur with any death (a real blessing, even if they didn't do anything else). They are usually the difference between allowing someone to die in his own home, surrounded by his own familiar things and the people he most wants to have around him and dying in a sterile hospital or nursing home room where nothing is familiar and strangers surround him.

My mother died at home 2 years ago, and I came out here to care for her when my father finally threw in the towel on caring for her. She was getting home hospice care, and they were absolutely wonderful. The help they gave allowed her to die at home, something she always wanted to do.

As for the greedy brother, just make sure all the t's are crossed and the i's dotted on the will. Consult a lawyer and make sure this is the case. It's really hard to break any legally executed will, Florida or not. But I hear you, Jebbie's Florida sucks, bigtime. I'm here now caring for my dad.

This is my advice: get hospice in ASAP, because they're truly wonderful. See a lawyer about the will and let him know a brother is trying to claim assets. Then spend as much time as you can with your partner and try to enjoy as much of it as possible.

Best wishes to you both. This is tough, but hospice and a decent lawyer can make it far less so.

[William769]

22. Thank you for letting me know how you feel about Hospice

Not knowing much about them has been also weighing on my decision.

[wellstone dem]

17. I am so sorry

I will be thinking about you and sending thoughts of peace and strength to you and David. Would it be possible for someone from hospice, both home and hospice based, come and speak with both of you about the services that are available and what hospice means and how it is different or similar to a nursing home. take care.

Also, maybe post in the Florida forum asking if a lawyer could give you some advice. None of what you said what would happen with the property makes sense to me, but then I'm not in FLA.



edited to correct the spelling and grammer errors that I noticed.

[William769]

23. Thank you for your kind words.

I will be checking in about Hospice.

This may sound strange, but being tied up at home & losing touch with all our old friends talking to people here (even though we don't know each other) sure has helped me.

[wellstone dem]

24. I am so moved

by your love and compassion and caring. But it also makes me want to remind you to take care of yourself too. Reach out to friends, they may be able to help with the little things (shopping, taking out the garbage) the details that can be so overwhelming in the face of your life right now.
And come back to DU, sometimes the distraction is a help too.

[bigwillq]

25. What sad news.

My thoughts are with partner. :hug:

I think you should keep your partner's promise. I'm sure you might be able to find someone to come to your house and take care of him. It might be expensive but I think it'll be worth it, if only for your partner's sanity. I never, ever want to die in a home or hospital.

Please know you have my thoughts and support. :hug:

[William769]

26. Thank you very much.

Go in peace in friend.

[thrift_store_angel]

27. I'd like to echo some of the sentiments about hospice......

They are a great organization, they are available day or night to help you out and they will get you whatever to you need, if you need a hospital bed in the house, they will find it deliver it and set it up, if you need oxygen, they will bring it..... here are a couple of things from the hospicenet website:

7. How many family members or friends does it take to care for a patient at home?

There’s no set number. One of the first things a hospice team will do is to prepare an individualized care plan that will, among other things, address the amount of caregiving needed by the patient. Hospice staff visit regularly and are always accessible to answer medical questions, provide support, and teach caregivers.

8. Must someone be with the patient at all times?

In the early weeks of care, it’s usually not necessary for someone to be with the patient all the time. Later, however, since one of the most common fears of patients is the fear of dying alone, hospice generally recommends someone be there continuously. While family and friends do deliver most of the care, hospices provide volunteers to assist with errands and to provide a break and time away for primary caregivers.

Also don't be afraid to ask around to other organizations for help, there are probably some HIV/AIDS organizations that provide services to the terminally ill, and there are probably alot of organizations you wouldnt expect to be able to get help from that will provide you with something. My sister died of breast cancer a few years ago and at one point she was getting assistance from the MS Society.... not someplace you would normally look for that kind of assistance. Alot of large organizations will go out of their way to help those who are terminally ill. Also, if you decide to talk to the hospice people, you might want to ask them if they know of any support groups in the area for those caring for a loved one who is terminally ill. Sometimes just having someone to talk to who is in the same situation will help.

[William769]

29. Thank you.

I am feeling much better about hospice.

[Meldread]

28. I've gone through something similar.

Last year I cared for my Grandmother who was dying of terminal cancer. It's tough work, but just try and be strong. My advise to you would be to talk to David to see about getting home Hospice. My grandmother had that and... wow... no words can describe how helpful and nice they were.

If he has insurance or Medicare hospice should be covered, I would think. I would encourage David to at least allow them to come over and visit, explain to him what the program is and how it works.

I am concerned, though, that you are staying with him 24/7. How are you paying the bills? I know this is a personal question, and I am sorry if it seems offensive to ask but it doesn't do David any good to be living in the dark with no running water. Hopefully you're doing fine in the cash department, but if not... I wonder if there is something we at DU can do to help? I like to think we are an extended family here.

I also suggest, as others have suggested, to get David to transfer all of his assets over to you now while he is alive. I am not certain, but this may also allow you to dodge paying the "death tax". Gay couples get screwed in that department.

I would also get David to write a letter that explains, in plain English and in his own words, what he wants going to you and why. Have an attorney be present to sign it as well as a witness. This could be powerful "emotional evidence" that could be used in court should it come to that. It is much more humanizing than a formal will that is dry and not very personal. A video tape of him explaining his wishes is also worth having.

With those things, I don't think there is a court in the United States that would have the guts to rule against you.

Sorry, if this sounds too "harsh" or "blunt" sounding. I have a tendency to be that way when it comes to situations like this. I truly am sorry for your pain and all that you are going through. I wish there was something I could do to help and provide you and David both with some comfort.

[William769]

30. I am ok Financially.

David does have Medicare. We will have a long talk tomorrow about the assets & our situation.

I felt like making this post on DU even though we don't know each personally I still fell like a family here. I would also like to thank you for your kind words.

[Meldread]

31. You are welcome.

My heart goes out to you and David. If you need anything, please post here so we can help. You don't have to face all of this alone. We are all here for you as best we can be, even if all you need is someone to listen to you vent your frustration!

[Maat]

32. I'm concerned about the tax implications here.

Especially if there is a substantial gift here, instead of things passing via joint tenancy. What are the short-term implications? I think that you should get your own lawyer - an expert in wills and trusts. Most lawyers will give an initial consultation for free; then services to be provided, and fees, can be negotiated.

David does not need to be worrying about you, along with everything else.

Please take care. You and David will be in this PFLAGer family's prayers.

[William769]

34. Not worried about taxes right now, to much other stuff to worry about.

I greatly appreciate your prayers, thanks.

[Maat]

37. Cool! (n/t)

[mitchtv]

33. Some things to consider:

The county will want to reasses the property. there may be gift taxes. Our solution was a trust.
When Raymond Burr's estate was challenged by a distant relative( that's all it takes) it turned out his partner was the largest single creditor, by far, and hence had first claim.
You are giving home care, you should be billing for it(legally speaking)
It breaks my heart to hear of your situation. I wish you all the best. I hope someday this will cease. PS Come to CA.

[William769]

35. Sounds like good advice thanks.

Thanks for you wishes. Tried Ca once, but I need to sat close to my roots.

[triakis36]

36. Best wishes and Peace to you both.

I'm inspired by your spirit to fight for your love and not let outside influences come between what you mean to each other. David is very lucky to have someone like you.

[closeupready]

38. I feel bad for you

The love you two share is what life is truly about. That's what we all want, and that you have it with him is very special. :)

I'm sorry I can't really offer much advice in terms of hospice care, but I wish the both of you good health, happiness and peace. :hi:

:hug:

[yardwork]

39. How are things going?

It sounds like you need some help right there, on the spot. Caregivers get burned out. Is there a home health aid who can come and give you a few hours respite each day? Friends?

I'm glad you posted here. I'm thinking of you and your partner today.

[William769]

41. Thanks for your kind words.

Acoupe hours after I posted this thread I had to take David to the Hospital, he is still there. All I can do is wait & see.

[ronnykmarshall]

40. Oh baby .... I am so sorry to hear this.

I've read some of the responces and I really can't add anything but ........ :loveya:

I've been there with my brother and I know what you're going through.

[William769]

42. Thank you.

[gator_in_Ontario]

43. William...

I am so sorry. Prayers are flying for you and your partner.
As a sister living in double-*-hood, I can tell you they can't touch your home, job, or primary car. Of course, that is for straight folks. Get a lawyer!
I can tell you that our Hospice was wonderful. My mom spent her last days there, and the staff was helpful and informative, guiding through the process of passing. It is not all a bad thing, and whatever your beliefs, they will help. Reach out to them as you have here, and I think you'll find a hand.
I'll be thinking of you

[William769]

46. Thank you.

[terrya]

44. Oh God, sweetie. I'm so, so sorry.

I don't know what to tell you or advise you about this situation. I'm not a legal expert about David's brother. I don't know...is there a Lambda Legal Defense chapter anywhere near you? You might contact them and explain the situation.

I'm so, so, sorry. Rest assured that above all that David loves you very much.

And anytime you need to talk, or need a shoulder to cry on...we're here for you.

:hug:

Terry

[William769]

47. Thanks sweetie.

[xyboymil]

45. I am very very sorry.

Sometimes we all need a reminder of how devestating this damn disease still is. My best wishes to you both. I have been with my partner 6 years as of this Wednesday. He means the world to me and I cant imagine losing him that way.

You'll be in my prayers babe.

Take care and take things one day..one hour..one minute at a time if you have to.


:grouphug:

[William769]

48. Thank you I will.

[readmoreoften]

49. I'm so fucking sorry you have to deal with this.

I don't understand how predatory relatives can just move in on us at times like these. Fucking family values my fucking ass. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain you're going through. I have nothing to say other than I'm here for you, because words can't even begin to heal such a tragedy.

We are here for you. Rinse repeat a thousand times if necessary.

[William769]

51. Thank you so much.

I have figured out how to beat the brother, I just can't say it here.

[Maat]

50. Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Investigating setting up a trust is a good idea; it might help both of you to feel 'in control' of the situation.

But spending the time together, and taking care of the emotional self is most important.

Hubby and I just happen to be straights, but we still have PREDATORY RELATIVES. For that reason, we are going to set up a trust. NO ONE gets a dime except for (1) Hubby, and (2) Beloved Daughter (if both of us transition).

You both are in our prayers; please take care.

[William769]

52. Thanks again.

[Obamarama]

53. Here's a cyber-hug and my two cents:

First of all, you have my respect and admiration for what you are doing for your partner. But you can't do it alone. You may be resisting hospice, for reasons that are well understood and admirable, but please, please, please consider reaching out to them.

It's obvious that you two love each other very much. While you have promised David that you won't "put him in" Hope Hospice, there's no reason they can't be involved in helping you care for him in your own home. That's what hospice is all about. They will be as involved as much or as little as you wish/need. If David were well enough to really stop and think about it, I don't think he would want you to carry the responsibility of caring for him on your shoulders alone.

You mentioned in a previous post you are with him 24/7. Again, while that's admirable and I admit I would be inclined to do the same for my partner, you need a break. You are going to be better able to be there fully for David when he needs you if you can get to a point where you can let the wonderful people at hospice give you some respite care. You NEED the opportunity to be able to get the heck out of the house and immerse yourself in the "outside world," even if it is only for two or three hours.

As for David resisting hospice care, see if you can't get him to the point where he can agree to have someone from Hospice come talk to both of you. It sounds like he is having a difficult time accepting that he may be at the end of his journey through this life. Who wouldn't? In addition to medical and respite care, hospice organizations also offer excellent counseling programs for both patients and their loved ones. David will have a much more peaceful transition if he can come to a place within himself where he is at peace with the reality of the situation. Hospice can and will do what they can to help him accept his approaching death with dignity, courage and pride.

After David has left this world, you will also be able to avail yourself of the hospice bereavement programs to help you work through the grief, the anger and the fear that comes with losing someone you love so much.

I was a hospice volunteer for about four years, so I know of what I speak. I have seen patients and their families walking in the same shoes in which you are now walking, and I have seen the positive difference hospice made in their lives. Please, for David's sake and for your own, pursue hospice care in your own home.

My next biggest piece of advice would be to stop worrying about David's family. If the house is in both your names, and it's paid for, then there's no way they can take that - or anything else you jointly own. You do not need to be worrying about uncharitable, selfish people like David's brother at a time like this. Do not allow the negative energy his family is throwing out detract you from caring for David in the best way you know how.

You and David will be in my thoughts and prayers in the coming days and weeks. May you both find the peace and strength to make David's transition one of dignity. Please keep us updated.

[William769]

55. You have give me some for for thought.

Thank you. I am still deciding on what to do for Hospice. & thank you also for your kind words.

[AntiFascist]

54. Hi William, I'm so sorry to hear about this...

I've helped friends in programs take care of AIDS victims, but I can't imagine going through what you must be dealing with.

Here is some info. on living trusts, I've always heard this is a good legal way of dealing with predatory relatives in this situation, but it would be best to speak to an attorney:

http://www.lawinfo.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/Ldc.livingtrust

[William769]

56. Thank you for the link & kind words.

It is greatly appreciated.

[William769]

57. Just to let you all know

It was a hard decision but Hospice is coming out tomorrow to see us. I hope I did the right thing for David's sake.

[Obamarama]

58. Good luck with Hospice. I really think you will be glad you called them.

You are definitely doing the right thing - for David AND for yourself. Please keep us updated.
Peace.

[William769]

60. I will.

[Meldread]

59. That's good to know.

I wouldn't worry to much about it. Hospice is a nice organization that can help you and David out a lot. I think, in the end, you'll look back and be glad you made this choice. It'll certainly make things for David much more comfortable and make things more manageable on your part.

[William769]

61. I agree.

I am already feeling peace of mind knowing I have help 24/7. David has warmed up to the idea also.

[Obamarama]

62. Wonderful....

Glad to hear it!

[Chalice_Thunder]

63. Peace to you and David,

as you go through this time, William.

I trust home hospice will turn out to be a blessing to the both of you. I know it was tremendous for my mother. The people were just awesome - angels disguised as regular peeps.

It's tragic that you must encounter family crap at this most precious moment of life. Bless you for being such a caring partner. Obviously David knows he has the best. :hug:

Sending love,
Dent

[William769]

64. Thank you for your kind words.