Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

[joeybee12]

FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God, at which point a tremor registering 8.5 on the Richter scale ripped the earth asunder and Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons.

"They tried to warn us and we didn't listen—Lord, why did we not listen?" said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. "All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!"

"Children of God throughout the nation!" Hanson cried out as he plummeted into the infernal void. "Do not make the same mistake we here in Iowa have made! Save yourselves before it is too late!"

My note--and if course, it's the Onion!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/town-of-davenport-iowa-descends-into-hell-followin,19446/

[DCKit]

1. It was just a matter of time.

I can't wait to get gay-married.

[Chipper Chat]

2. Both of my neighbor married men are salivating

at the prospect of Indiana allowing gay marriage. Even their six kids are ready to bolt their mothers. The wives (both homemakers) are resigned to the fact that probably all American men will desert their spouses when "it" arrives.
Gee.....choice of sexual preference is just what Reverend Faultwell warned us it was! Amazing!

[Khaotic]

3. REPORTING FROM HELL/FORMERLY DAVENPORT, IA

Spring has come early ... hello warm weather!

Hey look, it's Elvis!!!!

... I can joke, for I live in Davenport! Er, I mean Hell!!!!!

Muh ha hah ha ha!!!!

Now I can get Elvis' autograph! ;-)

[Crowman1979]

4. I bet the music stores in Davenport are freakin' AWESOME!

Shelve after shelve of devil music. You could probably buy every Black Sabbath album ever made on vinyl.

[BillStein]

5. Yeah, but

all you can play is Barry Mainilow.

Welcome to my personal hell